"What do you think the problem is, Steve?" Christian said, picking up his golf club.
"Our relationship was perfect. When we began discussing children she got cold feet. Two months after that she was ready to try. The pregnancy was hard on her physically so she leaned on me for everything. Kassie depending on me to meet her every need was a bit of an ego boost. Now that Kyla is born she's mentally unavailable. It's like she doesn't want me around at all." I swung my golf club letting off some steam.
"Honestly, did you think dating a nineteen year old would lead to marriage?" Christian replied.
"No, but Kassie was different. She is different." I looked for any sign that she wasn't ready for a serious relationship, but I didn't find one.
"Maybe Kassie realized she's in over her head." Christian remarked. He was against Kassie and I dating from the start. Our age difference was his first complaint, but Kassandra at nineteen was more mature than he was at thirty-one. He didn't shy away from constantly remarking on her beauty, but somehow she wasn't worthy of being in a relationship with me.
He turned and stared at me. I knew where this conversation was heading.
"That's not an option. We have Kyla to think about and I don't believe in divorce." I watched Christian swing and miss. He's almost drunk so I'm not surprised.
"So you're going to force her to be with you?" He said looking back at me as if I caused him to miss.
"Let's just golf." I placed my caddy in the back of the golf cart.
"You brought it up. I prefer to play golf in silence." He replied, carefully placing his golf ball on the tee.
"Crying over Lily threatening to leave you isn't silence." I said. Christian's first hobby is giving advice he doesn't take.
"I would've lost everything."
"Christian you slept with your kids' babysitter. She should've left you."
We grew up together, but our method of thinking is completely different. Christian was over par so he lost as usual. We sat at the bar.
"Can we get two whiskeys?" Christian ordered. My dad's an alcoholic, I've seen the effects of that so alcohol isn't appealing to me. "She's cute." Christian whispered when the bartender walked away.
"You enjoy crying on the golf course don't you."
"Maybe if you had someone on the side Kassie's feelings wouldn't matter so much." He laughed, taking his drink from the bartender's hand.
"Funny huh? You know what would be hilarious? If I called Lily and told her you're about to hit on the bartender." I said loud enough for the brunette behind the bar to hear.
The air between us was thick until Christian spoke. "Well, I'll see you next Wednesday."
"Definitely." I downed the remainder of my whiskey.
Christian was always an asshole, but his words bothered me today. Did Kassandra regret marrying me? Everything happened quickly. We were engaged six months after our fateful meeting at the bar and married five months after that. She was everything I wanted. I couldn't let her slip away.
Most people considered Kassie the lucky one, but it was me. She brought a spark I never had into my life. She was free, she didn't care about the constraints of the world. She wanted to enjoy the time she had.
Memories of Kassie grabbing my hand so we could kiss in the rain flashed through my mind, her singing karaoke without fear and forcing me to be her backup singer. Then dancing on the sidewalk to my car. The night would end with us making love wherever she wanted.
Now she's a shell of that person. I know everyone grows and things change, but Kassie isn't like that. She's herself no matter the time or place. It's unsettling to see her change so drastically.
A cloud has loomed over Kassandra since Kyla's birth. Her OB evaluated her for postpartum depression, but she didn't have any symptoms. Which Kassie had already stated, but better safe than sorry.
My thoughts are interrupted by my phone. I glance at the screen to see my mother calling.
"Son." She screeched.
"Yes." I replied.
"If you haven't bought your mother a gift for her birthday. The family jeweler is designing a new pair of earrings or there is a Maserati I've been looking at." She went on about her birthday wishes.
"Why don't you buy yourself whatever you'd like and I'll reimburse you because this isn't how gifts are supposed to work." I don't mind a suggestion, but a full blown list is a negative.
"Steven you wouldn't do your own mother like that would you?" She took my silence as an answer. "Anywho, are you and Kyla coming to my birthday brunch?"
"Yes, we all are, mother."
"Kassandra doesn't have to come if she doesn't want to, but you must bring my precious little Kyla."
Now, I'm frustrated. "Mom, why would I bring my daughter and leave my wife at home? Do you think it's appropriate?"
"Well, Steven. I didn't mean to cause a tiff so I'll let you go." She hung up her phone and I enjoyed a nice, quiet ride home.
I could hear Kassie talking to her sister over the phone with Kyla babbling in the background.
"Moriah, I know. It's just when I look at Ky, I feel wrong. Noah will never get the chance to have children so why should I? I love my daughter. I just feel guilty like I shouldn't be happy."
My heart dropped out of my chest, but I quietly listened to Moriah speak.
"Kassie, you can't punish yourself because he isn't here. You have Steven who is perfect as far as I'm concerned. He goes above and beyond for you. My niece is amazing. She's a beautiful mix of you both.
Moriah's words calmed me.
"She really is. I have the best daughter. Josephine is having a birthday dinner and we're supposed to go."
"Girl..." Moriah interrupted Kassie. I made myself known. Moriah always speaks her mind. I know my mom isn't perfect and Moriah was going to convey that in the worst way possible.
"Moriah, Steven is here." Kassandra said quickly unaware that I was previously listening to their conversation. They said their goodbyes.
"How was golf with Christian?" Kassie questioned wrapping her arms around my torso.
"It was good."
"Did you win?" She asked looking up into my eyes.
"Always baby." I kissed her forehead as I chuckled. Kassie released me from her grip and I took the opportunity to pick up my daughter. "Did you miss dada while he was gone?" I blew raspberries on her belly causing her to laugh.
"If she didn't, I did." Kassie added.
"What's wrong Kass?" I focused my attention on her.
"Nothing, I just missed my handsome husband." She leaned in, kissing me then taking Kyla from my arms.
"Go shower so we can eat." I hope that's not her subtle way of telling me I smell bad. I haven't been musty since... Hell never. I've always properly groomed myself. I sniffed my shirt.
"You don't smell, but you're sweaty, babe." Kassandra laughed. "Let's watch a movie after Ky goes down."
—-------
My shower was followed by Kassandra and I snuggling on the couch. She bundled under the cover.
It's not that cold.
"Kass, you've been thinking about Noah a lot lately." I opened the floodgates not knowing how the conversation would go.
"I know and I feel so guilty about it." She expressed, actually discussing the situation.
"Why can't you let him go?"She sat up and looked at me without replying. "I know what happened was hard to deal with, but it was eight years ago."
"Steven, I really don't know. I wish my thoughts would stop. I want to be open and honest with you because that's what you deserve. At the same time I don't want to hurt you. It's just when I look at Kyla I always wonder what my life could've been."
"You don't even know if he would still be with you. You're holding onto someone that may have broken your heart. Don't you ever look at my daughter and think about another man." My words were harsh, but so were hers. No matter how nicely she said them.
"It's not like that. I would never have a child without you. Noah knew I didn't want children. I can't picture anyone other than you being my daughter's father. I had Kyla out of pure love for you. I've given you more of myself than I've ever given anyone and asked for nothing in return. I love you. I'm just having a hard time."
The emotions she attempted to hide displayed across her face. Kassie stood up and started to walk away.
"Wait sweetheart. I didn't mean to yell. Since you called me his name..." I took a moment to gather my words. "Thinking that our relationship is contingent on someone's death is horrific. I could've missed out on the most perfect woman that's now my wife."
"I believe I would've found you no matter what." She whispered as I kissed the back of her hand.
"Me too." I decided to give up on that conversation eventually Kassandra would realize that it'll always be us.