September 15th, 1984
-
I woke up with nerves swarming around in my stomach. I was so fucking nervous it was hard to function. I haven't actually seen Kirk since he left for tour back in February, and I haven't spoken to him since a few days after my overdose.
I just didn't know how he'd react, and my fear was that it wouldn't be good. I was worried he'd maybe start yelling at me or something, and to be honest I don't think I could handle Kirk yelling at me.
Call me a pussy for that, but it's true.
I let out a deep shaky breath, before slowing sitting up, and lifting myself out of bed. I decided to take a shower since I was borderline disgusting. I had smeared makeup all over my face, greasy hair, and tear stained clothes. I looked in the mirror, and I actually looked horrible.
I quickly took a hot shower, letting the steaming water run down my face. Once I got out, I let my hair fall into it's natural, hazelnut brown, ringlet curls. I threw on an old Kill 'Em All T-shirt that I had lying in my closet, along with some jeans.
I slowly walked down the stairs, seeing Cliff on the couch, watching TV while waiting for me. He averted his attention from the TV, to me.
"You ready?" He questioned, as he got up from the couch he'd sunken into.
"I guess so." I sighed, the nerves getting so bad that I felt like I was gonna puke any second.
"Don't be nervous, kid. It's gonna be fine I promise." He reassured me, putting his hand on my shoulder, and leading me out the door.
He threw me my car keys. I ran to my car, slipping into the drivers seat, as I started the engine.
Cliff slid into the passenger side, putting in a Led-Zeppelin tape I had lying next me, before we drove off.
-
Fifteen or so minutes later, we'd finally gotten to James's place. My nerves increased with every passing moment.
Cliff got out of the car, and motioned his head at me to do the same. I swallowed hard, and hesitantly got out of my car, trailing after Cliff as he walked up to the door.
"It's gonna be okay, I promise." He chuckled at my nervous state.
Cliff opened the door, and mindlessly walked in, then down the basement stairs.
I heard an eruption of laughter, and loud talking from James and Lars once Cliff had went downstairs. The only voice I didn't hear, was Kirk's. Partially leading me to think he wasn't there.
"Come on!" I heard Cliff shout up the stairs.
I finally heard that sweet voice of his. It was quiet, but I heard him ask Cliff who he was talking to.
He was here.
I swallowed hard, and took a deep breath. I slowly crept my way down the stairs, and poked my head around the corner so I could see them, before coming all the way down.
"Hi." I muttered awkwardly.
I looked immediately to Kirk, who was staring at me, stopped dead in his tracks. James and Lars both cheesily grinned at one another.
Kirk sat his guitar down. Then practically sprinted over to me, engulfing me in a tight hug, which nearly knocked me over.
He clung onto me as if I'd disappear at any given second, and buried his head in the crook of my neck.
"I missed you so fucking much." He mumbled shakily.
I wanted to burst into tears, not sad ones though, more like cries of relief. The second I felt him wrap his arms around me, that feeling of miserable emptiness faded away.
The void I had been longing to fill. That I tried to fix with drugs, and even things with Dave, was suddenly filled. I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of relief and happiness.
Unfortunately, I had to remember he left me. As hard as it was to avoid, I couldn't just immediately melt into him like this.
But fuck it, I can do it for just a moment.
"I missed you too." I mumbled softly, tightly squeezing him.
He slightly pulled away, keeping his arms around me, but becoming face to face with me. His eyes were glossy with tears, and he had sad smile plastered on his face.
"Can we please talk, Hailey? I have so much to explain to you." He spoke with slight desperation in his voice.
I nodded in response, turning my gaze to James, Lars, and Cliff. Who I think both me and Kirk had forgotten were in the room.
Kirk turned around to face them, slipping his hand into mine subtly as he did so.
He cleared his throat awkwardly, "We're uh, gonna take a walk."
"Dude, we're supposed to be fuckin' practicing!" Lars groaned, on for James to harshly nudge him with his elbow.
"That's fine, just don't take too long." James said, sending a small smile my way.
Kirk squeezed my hand lightly, and led me upstairs and out of the front door.
Once we were outside, he let go of my hand, and shoved his into the pockets of his leather jacket.
We momentarily walked in silence, but it was the comfortable kind. Just enjoying each-others presence, as the crisp fall air surrounded us.
Kirk sighed, kicking a pile of leaves before he spoke.
"Where did you go? I was worried something happened to you, nobody heard anything." He questioned while frowning.
In all honesty, I didn't wanna tell him. I know it'd break his heart, but then again he left me so he can't necessarily be mad.
"I was on tour with Dave, let's just say it didn't work out." I mumbled, partially embarrassed.
I saw a tinge of pain in his eyes as I said it, but he quickly tried to shake it away.
"What do you mean it didn't work out?" He asked softly.
"I mean we technically weren't officially together, but he cheated on me I guess. He fell back into his addiction too, he was like pushing me and being a total dick. So I just had to get out of it." I shrugged.
"He's an asshole. You don't deserve that." Kirk said, looking at me sadly.
"I don't know I guess I was really only with him to try and fill this empty void I felt." I muttered guiltily.
"What void? When did that start?" He furrowed his brows at me.
I hesitated partially embarrassed, before looking back at him. His soft brown eyes, pleading me to just talk to him about it.
"After you left." I said lowly.
I looked at him momentarily after I said it. I could tell by the look on his face, that his heart shattered the second the words had left my mouth.
"Hailey I'm so fucking sorry. You don't understand how horrible I felt that morning." He blurted out, choking on his words.
"I just don't understand why you did it.I thought things were going well." I frowned at him, trying to refrain tears from spilling out of my eyes.
"They were going well, I promise you. Honestly things were perfect. So perfect that I just started feeling really strong things, really fast and it scared the shit out of me." He quickly rambled, swiftly turning so he was walking in-front of me.
"Why'd you get so distant then? You could've talked to me I would've helped you." I said softly.
"That's not why I was distant baby." He paused, and frowned.
I furrow my brows at him, with concern.
"I got addicted to coke. I'm fine now, I got clean, but I just didn't wanna tell you. I couldn't bare to hear the disappointment in your voice once you found out." He sighed.
I felt my heart shatter, the thought of Kirk going through that physically hurt. I couldn't even find the right words to say after that. What if something happened to him?
Kirk looked at me, his expression dropping more. He stopped walking and turned to me, cupping my face with both of his hands.
"I'm okay now, I promise you." He said choking up again. "And in all honesty I'm even better now that you're here again."
I felt tears welling in my eyes, I was overwhelmed with so many emotions, and it extremely was confusing.
"I still don't understand why you left." I muttered, my voice breaking.
He sighed and sat down on a nearby bench. He gently grabbed my hand, and pulled me to sit next to him.
"I got really fucked up one night, I snorted a shit tone of coke and was drinking on top of it. I was sitting with these guys that we went on tour with, and long story short one of them started saying shit about you, and urging me to break up with you, and I tried getting him to quit but he just wouldn't stop. A few drinks later I just got so fed up, that I just did it without thinking." He explained, his voice breaking more with each word.
"I know it's not an excuse, but I don't want you thinking that you meant nothing to me, because quite frankly you're my entire fucking world. It was the biggest mistake of my life, and I kick myself in the ass for it every fucking day." He looked at me with glossy eyes, squeezing my hand.
I was again, at a loss for words. I was partially filled with relief to know that he wasn't just using me and that I actually did mean something to him. At the same time though, I wish he wouldn't have given in so easily, or even why he gave in so easily.
I was so overwhelmed that I didn't really know what to feel. I wasn't mad at him by any means, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt. Again I seriously didn't know how to feel.
I've gone months, hardly feeling anything. Then the next thing I know, all these emotions are hitting me like a truck.
"Hailey, please say something baby." Kirk looked at me, a few tears rolling down his cheeks.
"Kirk I-" I paused trying to find the right words. "This is just kind of a lot, I need some time to think." I looked at him sympathetically.
"Okay." He sighed, giving me a sweet saddened smile.
We walked back to James's apartment, yet again in silence. It didn't feel awkward, at-least not to me. I was just happy to be around him, even considering the situation.
Once we made it back, he gave me another tight hug as we said out goodbyes. Cliff was going out to the bar with them after practice, so I decided just to go home.
... and do exactly what I told Kirk.
Think.