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"So, what's next?"
Meredith's voice rang through the phone. Amelia stared back at Herman's brain, at all the scans on the wall, at her reflection in the scrub room glass. Her mind tick-ticked, until...
Pick a path.
"Navigation Probe," Amelia commanded, turning back to the fleshy pink matter beneath her fingers. Eyes deep in the microscope, she focused. She'd made her choice.
"Dr. Shepherd is identifying the Lamina Terminalis so she can go around the Commissure, laterally dissecting away from the perforated arteries." Edwards narrated.
"Amelia?" Dr. Webber arrived, standing off to the side. "Mark asked me to come in. Is that okay?"
"It's fine," she nodded. She'd need all the support she could get. "Bipolars." She began to carefully dissect her path across the cortex, around the Commissure.
"Can you avoid splitting the Fornix?" Meredith asked, still on speaker.
"I sure as hell hope so," she muttered, using all her concentration to avoid the arteries.
"Keep going. Find your way out. I've gotta go. Lexie needs me."
"I'll be alright."
"I know you will."
Painstakingly she made her way through Herman's brain, along the path she mapped out in her head. Everything else around her faded and dulled. She stopped hearing the beeps of the monitors, the comments and requests from the nurses and those watching, even Edwards' narration faded into the background as she picked and pulled at the tumor.
There was a shift in the air. Amelia looked up. The scrub nurses were swapping out, finishing their shift. Amelia turned to her resident.. "How're you feeling, Edwards?"
"Good." Stephanie arched her back and loosened her shoulders. "I'm good," she said.
"You sure?" Amelia said, offering her an out. She knew Edwards must be tired and sore already. She was. And she was used to long surgeries. "This is the point of no return," she said. It would be too difficult to replace her after this.
"I'm here," her resident spoke with confidence. "I'm with you, Dr. Shepherd. You're not gonna find a better assist than me, I earned this spot."
Amelia couldn't help the small smile creeping on her lips. She wasn't as alone as she thought she was. "Are you ready?"
"Are you?"
"Smartass."
xxx
Arizona carefully finished the embolizing the second last artery. It was taking too long, but it couldn't be helped. It was taking all her effort and concentration to complete this task.
"This is taking way too long," Bailey muttered. "Increase ventilatory support," she told the anesthesiologist.
"Ligating the last artery," Robbins said tiredly. Suddenly the monitors shrilled. Her head snapped to the sats on the screens.
"We've lost the fetal pulse. Is the cord compressed?" Karev asked.
She quickly finished her last stitch, "No, he's in cardiac arrest." Dammit. She'd been almost done.
Bailey fruitlessly dabbed with lap pads. It wasn't helping.
"Put your hand on top of the wound like this," Arizona instructed, watching as Bailey did so. "Now, put your other hand underneath." She guided her colleague's hands around the baby's back. "Press down. It's okay, he won't break." This young, she'd discovered how strong and resilient a fetus was. Their bones, cartilage and muscle were actually quite malleable. "Good, good. Push his chest up."
Bailey did so, whimpering in fear.
Arizona felt it too, but she couldn't live in fear. Lives were on the line, and she had to save them. Both of them. "Push five micrograms of epi, while I start compressions," she said, rapidly pressing on the fetus's chest with her thumb.
"Oh dear lord," Bailey cried, watching the fetus flail lifelessly in her hands.
Arizona frantically worked as the solid flatline filled the OR. No. She would not give up. One baby already died under her watch today. She wouldn't be responsible for another.
"Robbins, he's not coming back," Karev said.
"C'mon baby, oh come on." Bailey said, voice straining with hope.
Arizona kept pumping. It had only been a couple minutes. She wouldn't give up. Not yet. Babies, even unborn babies were resilient. There was still a chance. She stared at the monitor, willing the fluorescent line to peak into a mountain. And finally... Beep. Beep. Beep.
The baby made no movement. There was no breath, no gasp of air... but Arizona felt the little heart beating under her thumb. Thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa. A sudden heady rush of joy and accomplishment filled her, made her almost woozy. They'd done it. It was going to be okay. Everything would be okay. "Bailey, You can let go now," she said quietly.
Bailey's small hands gently released the little one as Arizona carefully handled him. "Oh. he's not even... I held him in my hands and he's not even born yet," she said.
"I know that feeling," Arizona said. Under her fingertips, in her great care, she'd held life that hadn't taken a breath yet. That still relied on a cord for nutrients. She'd held him months before his mother ever would. And then, gently, carefully, she put him back. "It's privilege. Great privilege," she said. "Let's close her up."
xxx
"Mark, something's wrong," Lexie cried, clutching his shoulder. Mark helped her onto the exam table, heart thudding with anxiety.
"It's going to be okay," he said, even though he couldn't guarantee that. "Shh, it's gonna be alright." He just wanted to calm his girlfriend.
"I'm having a miscarriage," Lexie said. "I know it."
Mark shook his head. "Let's just wait for the OB." Things happened. Pregnancies were weird, he knew that from many stories from Addison. So he refused to give up hope.
"Mark. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she mumbled.
Sorry? Whatever for? He didn't understand. There was nothing to be sorry for. Even if she lost the baby, (God Forbid) it wasn't her fault. It wasn't like she'd do it on purpose. He shook his head and simply hugged her.
The door swung open. Connie stepped in. "Dr. Grey, Dr. Sloan."
"She's been cramping," Mark said.
"How far along are you?" Connie asked.
"I don't know," Lexie said. "We had an appointment for tomorrow," she leaned back on the table, letting Mark hold her hand. He gripped it tightly and kissed it. He was here. No matter what.
"Okay." Connie nodded. She snapped on some gloves and pulled out the stirrups. "Any bleeding?"
"A little, I think." Lexie said helplessly. "Mark, can you get my phone and call Meredith? I need my sister."
"She's already on her way," he said. She'd offered to come as soon as she heard there might be something wrong. She just had to wait for Carolyn to come back. That was a while ago, so... she should be here.
"Okay," Lexie gulped, watching Connie prepare her equipment and draw some blood.
Mark touched her cheek, directing her attention to him."No matter what happens Lexie, I love you." If they lost the baby, he would be sad. He would be sad for her... but, it wouldn't change his feelings. Yes, he wanted a child. But he loved Lexie, and he would love her no matter what happened. She didn't need to bear him a child. He already had Sofia. He was already an uncle.
He stroked her hair. He hoped the baby was alright, but all that really and truly mattered was that Lexie would be alright too.
Connie draped Lexie below the waist and flicked the ultrasound on. "Let's just take a look, okay?"
xxx
Arizona trudged back to the little hideaway she and Dr. Herman had created. She felt strange. Happy, but dazed, confused. Closing the door, she rested against it, staring at the bulletin board still covered in a half dozen colored index cards. She'd done it.
Saved a life. A baby. All by herself. Twice now...
She gently pried Glenda Castillo's card off the board.
Why did she feel so strange? So empty?
Robbins, You're not gonna hear this from me that often, but you did very, very well in there.
Oh, I'm so touched I could cry.
I really picked the right horse.
Yeah please don't call me a horse.
It really is an accomplishment, not just to do it, but to become as good as you have become... It's a real exercise in perseverance. Really something to be proud of.
Thank you.
I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about me.
"Arizona?"
She blinked out of her daydream, seeing Callie in the doorway. "Hey," she said quietly.
"You did it," Callie said.
"Yeah. I was overwhelmed. I thought I wasn't ready. But I got ready. I pushed through." She managed a smile. This was great news! She'd overcome all the odds and pulled it all together to save a baby not even born yet.
But...
Callie stepped slowly into the room, stuffing her hands into her labcoat pockets. "I knew you could do it," she said. "I'm sorry. I've been making things difficult between us," she said, probably referring to her assumption of her cheating.
"You didn't," Arizona said. "Not really." In all of this, Callie had done her best to be supportive of her career, despite her wanting another baby. "We just couldn't get on the same page."
"I guess."
"She's in my head, Callie. All this time, this non-stop work. She's in my head." Arizona said, finally realizing the painful source of her feelings. Herman. Dr. Herman might not ever perform surgery again. She might not live. All of that seemed to eclipse the victories she'd made."I'm not ready for her not to be in my head."
"Shepherd's still working on her," Callie offered. "We could-"
"No, I can't." It was too much. She was too scared to watch.
"Okay," her wife said.
Arizona heard the door close, and the soft shuffle of Callie's Reeboks. The couch cushion beside her sank under Callies weight. Warmth emanated beside her and she unconsciously leaned toward her. Callie leaned into her too, wrapping an arm around her.
"Callie?"
"Yeah?"
"I think I can do it. I think I want to do it." She couldn't believe what she was actually saying. But this felt right somehow. Maybe, because it finally wasn't about making her wife happy.
"Do what?"
"Have a baby."
"Arizona-" Callie pulled away to look her in the eye.
"Not now. But, ask me... ask me in a few months, okay?" Frankly, she wasn't a hundred percent sure yet. But... it didn't seem like a dealbreaker anymore.
"You don't have to," Callie said. "Not for me."
Arizona knew Callie had been working hard to quell her desire for a child. Trying to focus on their marriage. But it wasn't about Callie's feelings this time. It was about hers... and that strange emptiness she felt after surgery today.
"I felt his tiny heart beat under my thumb. I held him before he was even born... It was awesome. It was a miracle. How can I deny myself a chance to experience that?"
Callie sighed, and kissed her on the temple. "Let's just... not rush okay?"
"Okay."
xxx
"Well," Connie snapped off her gloves after she'd shared the news. Gently, she patted Lexie's shoulder. "I'll give you some time alone."
"Lexie," Mark held her as she sobbed quietly in his arms. It was unfamiliar, these convoluted feelings that rumbled inside. And he didn't know how to handle them or acknowledge them.
So he just hugged her.
There was a knock. "It's me, I'm here." The door opened a crack, and Meredith appeared. "What happened? Are you-" she started.
"Mere-" Mark released Lexie.
"Oh no. Oh, Lexie..." Her face fell into sadness. Meredith swiftly gathered Lexie in her arms. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." she said.
"Meredith, you came..." she cried into her big sister's shoulder..
"Of course I did. I really wanted to be an aunt," Meredith cried too.
Mark cleared his throat to share the truth. It wasn't what it looked like. "Grey. It's alright, you're still gonna get your chance."
"You're going to try again? Are you sure?"
"We don't have to," Mark flicked his gaze to Lexie's soft eyes.
"I'm still pregnant, Meredith," Lexie said. "I... um," Lexie stumbled for words. "Mark?"
"We were pregnant with twins," he said. He shrugged sadly. "One of them... didn't make it." That was it, the whole convoluted thing. The pain of loss but then... not loss.
Meredith looked at him, stunned, and turned to Lexie.
"I'm barely seven weeks, Mere," Lexie added. "Connie said it happens more than we think. It's just... I had cramps."
"Oh, Lex." Meredith still held her. Mark sighed, relieved. Of anyone, Meredith could empathize, and it was just what Lexie needed at this moment.
"I'm so tired..." Lexie sighed.
"C'mon love, I'll take you home." Mark supported her, gently pushing her up off the exam table.
"The tumor." Lexie stood up suddenly. "Amelia. I still need to-"
Meredith gently pressed her back down "It's okay, she's got it."
"We were stuck, and-"
"She's figuring it out, Lexie. Amelia won't give up."
"Good," Lexie nodded. "Mark, I don't want to go home yet. Amelia's almost done."
"Okay," he sighed. Solidarity, he figured. She could practically talk him into anything at this point. Except going back into the OR or the Gallery at this point. "But you need to rest. On call room?"
"Okay."
xxx
It was slow-going, brutal, meticulous work. Amelia's back ached. Her shoulders and neck hunched and curled. Everything was tight. But bit by bit, Amelia was peeling Herman's tumor away from healthy brain tissue. Every ounce of focus and thought aligned with that pink tissue and her small tools working inside.
Finally, she pulled back. "I think," Amelia blinked her tired eyes, looked back through the microscope and confirmed using the scans. "I think I just cleared the optic nerve." The sudden relief was a weight off her shoulders, and she joined the collective sigh heard throughout the gallery and the OR.
"There," Webber said from behind. "That wasn't so hard."
"No comments from the peanut gallery," Amelia teased. "Okay, we are going radioactive. All non essential personnel need to leave."
She turned, "Non-essential means you, Dr. Webber," she said.
"I'm happy to stay," he offered.
"I'm alright. Edwards and I have this. Right Edwards?" Her resident had endured each passing hour like a champ, and she was very proud of her. "Edwards?" Edwards answered by collapsing in a heap on the floor. "Or maybe you could scrub in..." Amelia said to Webber.
He looked up to the gallery at the few people remaining. "I know just the right person."
xxx
Mark held Lexie to his chest. She'd fallen asleep despite her resolution to stay awake in solidarity for Dr. Herman's surgery. He didn't want to wake her. She felt perfect lying in his arms. Each breath expanding her torso reminded him that she was alive. Alive and his. There was a time when he was foolish, and he gave up on her. Because she didn't want more. She just wanted him.
But he couldn't stop loving her. He couldn't settle for anything less than her. He tried once, and failed miserably. And after the plane crash, the mere thought of life without her was asking to die.
Yeah, he wanted a kid in the mix too. They'd make perfect children, with her smarts and passion and his gorgeous good looks and suave. But today, truly... he realized something. In the tense moments of uncertainty, when he was preparing for the worst, he didn't care about having it all.
He just cared about Lexie.
Mark's phone beeped, waking Lexie. She stirred and rubbed her eyes. "Oh, I fell asleep," she mumbled.
"Yeah, sorry... I couldn't-"
"S'okay," she half smiled, shifting on his big frame.
He looked at his phone. It was Meredith. "They cleared the optic nerve," he said.
"She got it. Amelia did it. Good," she sighed. "Now they just have to place the radioactive seeds. They're almost done."
He caressed her back. He couldn't wait to take her home. "Lexie?"
"Mm?"
"For a minute there... I thought... I thought we lost it."
"Me too."
"And then I thought, I just want you... and everything else is gravy."
"You thought our kid was gravy?" Lexie softly teased.
"Marry me." He'd been entertaining the idea for some time now, it was just... with his accident and everything, it was hard to shop for a ring, much less go down on one knee. But today he'd realized it with perfect clarity. He didn't want to wait. "I want to be with you. Forever," he continued. "One kid. No kids. A million kids. Let's get married."
Lexie sniffled, digging her face into his chest.
Her hesitancy worried him. He swallowed. He shouldn't have asked. It was a loaded question. He'd dropped the bomb and devastated her. Damn it.
"I was scared," Lexie finally said. "Waiting for Connie, I thought, this is it. I lost it. And miscarriage is common, I mean, it's a one in ten chance. And... I knew... I've known for a long time that you wanted more. And I felt horrible that I couldn't give you that."
"Lex-"
"Shh," she put a soft finger on his lips. "And then I saw your face. You weren't scared just for the baby. You were scared for me."
"You're my world." He kissed her on the forehead.
"I thought the exact same thing."
"So...?"
"So, yes. I want to marry you too," she said. She cupped his face, her palms warming him, drawing him closer. His lips met hers and caressed. Softly, sadly...joyfully.
xxx
"I can't. I can't do this. The seeds are too small." Amelia fumbled with the tiny radioactive seed. It was too hard to place them accurately. And she couldn't afford to make a mistake. She tore off her gloves. There was only one way to do this.
"What are you doing?" Meredith asked, alarmed. She'd been with her for this last leg of the surgery, giving her a much needed supportive boost, but right now, Amelia was ignoring her.
"If I don't place these seeds, the tumor recurs, and all this work will be for nothing!" She picked up the warm seed and pushed it into Herman's brain, a few centimeters from the tumor site. Then the next.
"Without the gloves you're cutting your exposure time in half! The tumor could recur anyway," Meredith said.
"But it won't be because of me!" she said, slipping the fourth and fifth seeds into place. Brain tumors were tricky. Yes, she'd removed the conglomeration of cells that had formed the mass in Herman's brain, but there was still the potential of a stray cell that had transported itself far from home that could begin to reproduce again.
"Amelia."
Ignoring everything around her, she focused on each seed as she jammed them, one by one, into and around the hole left by the tumor. Radiation sickness be damned. She had to do this.
"Done! I'm done!" Amelia whooped. If she had the strength, she would have lifted her arms in victory. But all she could manage was a tilt of her head to the heavens. "Okay, call back the troops. It's time to close," she said.
Beside her, Meredith shook her head."That was..."
"Really dumb?" Amelia asked. It was dumb. But she didn't regret it.
"No," Meredith said. "That was badass."
xxx
They were in the home stretch. Amelia's knees felt weak. Every muscle in her body ached, even her fingers. It had been seventeen long aching hours. "Juice," Amelia asked. A nurse plugged a juicebox under her mask and she took a long grateful sip. "Thank you."
"How are you doing?" Meredith asked.
"Just need to get the dura closed with a water-tight seal," she rasped. Just a few stitches to close, and she'd be done. Her earlier dopamine rush of accomplishment was gone, and all that remained was a determined stubbornness. She just had to finish this.
"Well, anyone can do that. So why not let someone else take this?" Meredith said.
Amelia looked up, blinking... what?
"Dr. Shepherd!" Edwards burst into the room. "I'm here. Please tell me it's not too late."
It was like an answer to prayer. She glanced at Meredith, who nodded her approval. "You're just in time, Edwards. You can finish closing." If she could smile, she would've, but her brain was too exhausted to focus on things like facial expressions.
"Really?" Her younger colleague asked in amazement.
Amelia stepped back from Dr. Herman's brain. "You started this with me. You should finish it."
Edwards didn't hesitate this time, and ran back to get suited up and scrub in.
"Don't let her mess up the stitch, okay?" she told Meredith. "I don't want Herman seeing a big ugly scar every time she looks in the mirror."
Meredith nodded slowly, reminding Amelia of the scar she herself wore."You got it," she said.
She trudged out of the room, scrubbing out as Edwards finished scrubbing in. Every step was painful. Every movement hurt. But it was worth it. She'd done it. The unimaginable. The impossible. She'd clawed and scraped and fought the good fight.
Amelia stumbled into the restroom, her legs barely holding her up. She splashed some water on her cheeks and stared into the mirror. A tired, pale stretched face looked back. Her face. Those deep blue eyes, Shepherd eyes. But not Derek Shepherd. Amelia Shepherd. Dr. Shepherd. The Dr. Shepherd. Her legs gave out, and she sunk to the floor, sobbing. Finally, she won.
"Amelia?"
Amelia saw turquoise and pink runners on the floor in front of her. Huh?
"Amelia? Are you all right?"
Oh. It was Maggie. Well that made sense now.
"M'okay," she managed, staring up at the dark blob that was Dr. Pierce. "I'll be fine."
"Are you sure? Do you need anything?"
She squinted, considering. She was too tired. She couldn't move. A nap on the floor seemed like a great idea. "Pillow might be nice," she said.
"Okay, you're not making any sense. Come on, I'll take you home."
xxx
It had been quite the day, Carolyn surmised, sipping her tea. She'd been called back from the spa and dinner out by Mark. Something was wrong, and they needed Meredith.
She'd entered into a disaster zone when she got back. Toys and papers and markers and fruffy dresses filled the living room, and the girls were fast asleep on the couch.
Meredith seemed overwhelmed and apologetic, but Carolyn passed no judgement. It was obvious the girls had been fed and taken care of, and it was easy enough to put them to bed, tired out as they were. In the long run, that was what really mattered. She had no doubt Meredith would get the hang of parenting.
Carolyn gazed at her daughter asleep on the couch. While Meredith had chosen to go with Lexie to Mark's apartment for the night, Maggie had brought in Amelia, stumbling from exhaustion at three a.m. this morning. Amy took one look at the stairs and eschewed them, choosing the couch instead.
"I don't hate her anymore," Maggie said. She sipped her tea.
Carolyn raised a brow. "Oh?"
"I didn't realize it before, but she's very much alone, isn't she?"
Carolyn felt a tinge of regret over Amelia's circumstance as she poured more hot water into her cup. "I admit, after her father died, I left it to Derek to parent her. Too often. And when their relationship soured... I didn't try to fix it."
"Why?"
"They were adults then, and neither of them talked to me. I just..." she shrugged. "I figured either Derek would get past his black and white thinking, or Amelia would grow up and take responsibility..."
"But Derek never got his chance."
"No, and Amelia never got any closure. You don't understand Maggie, he was her world, her idol. She wanted to be just like him like he wanted to be like his father."
"He didn't see it, did he?"
"He saw it, but not in the way he was supposed to."
Carolyn regarded Maggie's questioning expression. "You didn't grow up with siblings," she said.
"No." She sighed.
"Derek either saw Amelia as a responsibility and something to protect, or he saw her as a pesky little brat that followed him around and got into his things."
"Ah."
"Yes." Carolyn removed her saturated tea bag from the cup. "Amelia had her struggles, and unfortunately, there were just some things he couldn't forgive. Some things, I couldn't forgive."
A sound got their attention, and she opened the door to the living room and peered through. In the dim light, Anna tiptoed down the stairs, one hand clutching Derek's bear tight to her chest, the other gripping the handrail.
"Darling, what are you doing?"
"I had 'mares," Anna shrugged, her dark hair falling over her eyes, Amy-like. She walked toward the kitchen but stopped halfway through, noticing the small curled up body on the couch.
"Auntie Amy is very tired. She just finished a very long and difficult surgery," Maggie explained.
"Did she win?" the girl asked. "Is the patient better?"
"I hope so."
Anna delicately pushed some of Amy's thick locks out of her face. Then she patted her cheek. Dead asleep, Amy didn't move. With a small huff, the little girl crawled up and nestled her body into Amy's, even pulling Amy's arm to drape over her torso. She wiggled and hugged her bear. "Auntie Maggie? Can I get another banket pwease?"
"Sure, honey," Maggie pulled a throw off the love seat and draped it over them both. "Is that good?"
"Yeah. G'night Auntie. Night, Gram."
"See?" Maggie said. "I just can't be mad anymore."
"Indeed," Carolyn said. Leave it to a child to show them all love.
A/N: Thanks for reading! More to come soon! Check out Mistletoe for some fun and Please, if you like this story, (or don't like it,) and haven't left a comment, please do! I would love to hear from you!