Later That Night
After spending the day roaming the streets of the city, I felt way too guilty letting my mom treat to a lunch, knowing she would insist on paying for everyone, so instead I suggested that Josh and I make everyone dinner back at the apartment.
Despite the fact that neither of us have really cooked the entire time we've been here, it would just have to be a learning experience for all of us.
He took my hand, guiding us back to our building.
"You know, it'll be like our first time hosting together." I said, playfully nudging him. I could see his smile grow, keeping his eyes forward.
"You okay?" I asked, feeling like something was just.. off with him ever since Jake and I had talked. I hoped he wasn't overthinking things again. There was nothing to worry about. Not this time. I knew what I wanted now, and I was happy. We were happy.
And it was all going to be okay.
"Yeah. I'm fine." He said simply, forcing a smile like I didn't know what that looked like. I squeezed his hand tighter.
"You sure? Because.. I don't know, you kinda seem.." I said, my voice trailing off. He nodded again.
"Yeah. I'm sure." I had no choice but to take his word for it, despite the fact that I could tell something was up, hoping he'd tell me about it later when it was just the two of us.
As we made our way back up the stairs, I turned back to everyone while Josh searched for his keys.
"Okay, so.. it might be a little cramped." I warned, feeling my cheeks burn. "After all, it was only meant for the two of us but.. it's still nice, and-"
"They're gonna love it, don't worry." Josh said softly, smirking back at me, unlocking the door and letting everyone in.
I was thankful that I decided to clean the whole place from head to toe last night in a nervous whirlwind, my mind racing thinking about today. I guess anxiety could be useful sometimes.
"Oh, honey this is adorable." Mom said, following us closely behind. It could be a box on the street and she would still find someway to make me feel better. And for that, I would always be thankful. I peeked over, now watching Jake as he slowly moseyed his way in, hands tightly shoved into his pockets as he looked around, his eyes lingering on the photographs on the walls a little too long.
"I'll get dinner started." Josh said, taking off his graduation robe and hanging in on the back of the door. "Jaime, you wanna get everyone drinks?"
And for the next few hours, I got to live out one of my oldest daydreams; him effortlessly gliding around the kitchen like he had done this a million times, me filling everyone glasses and making sure they remained full the entire night that consisted of nostalgic conversation and loving banter, my favorite way to spend an evening.
It made me miss home that much more.
Soon enough, I saw Jake wander down the hallway towards our bedroom. I decided to take this opportunity for the two of us to finally.. talk.
"Hey." I muttered. He instantly turned around, as if he had been anticipating that I would follow him. I guess he knew me better than I knew myself.
"Hey." He said, stopping just before my bedroom door, leaning back against it. His eyes were already bloodshot, no doubt having snuck more pours than I could keep up with. Part of me felt guilty, knowing how he got, wanting nothing more than to just not feel anything at all when things started to get like this.
"Can we talk?" I asked, motioning behind him. He bit down on his lip, hesitating for a moment before subtly nodding, pushing back against it to open it. I followed him in, quietly shutting it behind us. He looked around, I'm sure searching for something that would inevitably make him even more upset than he already was.
I never understood why he loved to torture himself.
By now, the wine was already starting to take over, my body radiating enough heat to where I knew my cheeks gave away my now flustered demeanor. But this didn't always come from drinking too much, just another side effect of the two of us getting a little too close.
I sat down on the bed, watching as he continued to wander, trying his best to maintain composure, but I could already tell he was feeling it too, knowing his tells a little too well; the way he subtly kept his hand out for balance, or the way he leaned a little extra on his right leg, all of his little quirks that just made him.. him.
Finally, he turned to face me, leaning back against my dresser, staring me down with eyes that I had seen in our bedrooms one too many times to not know what they mean. His face was flushed an adorable pink, matching the staining of his lips that I knew tasted far sweeter than they looked.
"I am happy for you, you know." He finally said. "About.. everything. All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy, and.. it seems like you are."
"I am." I said softly, now avoiding his eyes. He sighed, making his way over, careful with every step until he plopped down next to me onto the bed. I could feel my heart beating faster as his leg brushed up against mine, I'm sure just testing to see how close he could get before I'd stop him.
And then I looked down, his shirt now catching my eye. How I hadn't noticed it before was beyond me, perhaps just getting too wrapped up in the fact that he was finally in front of me for the first time in months, after only having seen him in my dreams. But now it was all coming back. I reached out for him, grabbing onto it, pulling him in closer.
"I didn't think you were gonna notice." He said softly, his smile growing. I sighed, smiling back up at him.
"Thank you for not losing it." I joked. He playfully rolled his eyes.
"You know I would never lose it, Jaime." I nodded.
"I know."
The silence was heavy between us, and I wanted nothing more than to fill it, having plenty of things I wanted to talk about, but none feeling quite right.
"I miss you so much." He finally said, reaching up, gently caressing my face. My heart jumped at the feeling of his hand, brushing against my skin again. How many nights I spent thinking about the way he used to touch me, hold me, wondering if I'd ever get to feel this way again.
"Jake.."
"I haven't been with anyone since you left. I just.. can't. I see you everywhere, Jaime, and.. it kills me that you probably haven't thought about me once."
"Jake, I thought about you every single day." I blurted out. His face dropped, his eyes going wide.
"Really?" He sighed. I nodded, looking away, but he instantly turned my head back to face him.
"I wanted to come see you."
"I know. But.. it was better that you didn't." He was quiet again.
"I love you. I love you more than anything."
"I think you're drunk." I giggled. He shrugged, smirking back at me.
"Maybe. But that doesn't change how I feel." He said, his words now starting to slur. "Do you still love me?"
Of course I did. But Josh and I were engaged now, we wanted our own family, and had already begun trying. I couldn't keep doing this, no matter how much it killed me.
"Jake, I.. I need you to let me go." He instantly shook his head, now looking away.
"You know I can't do that."
"I need you to, because.. I don't think I can do it either." His eyes lit up, peeking back over at me, understanding what I was saying. He stayed quiet for a moment, treading carefully as to make sure I didn't up and run again once it got too serious.
"Have you changed your mind?" He asked. I felt my heart start to beat faster.
"About what?" He shot me a look, like I should already know what he was referring to. And of course I did. But he was the last person I wanted to talk about this with, especially considering how it was going.
"No." I muttered, avoiding his eyes. He nodded, letting out a deep sigh.
"I'm.. I'm sure it'll happen." He said, but I could tell how bitter it tasted leaving his lips. "When it's time. It'll be okay." I peeked back up at him, giving him a gentle smile, appreciating his efforts despite knowing how much this was probably killing him.
"Jake.."
"Mhm?" He reached up, caressing my face again, his thumb gently brushing against my cheek. In that moment, I felt like I could melt right between his fingers.
"That night.. when you said that.. you wanted a family with me, did you mean that? Or.. was that just.. I mean, we all say stuff we don't mean sometimes, were you just-"
"I meant it." He said simply, but oh so surely.
"Even with the band?" I asked. He nodded, giggling to himself.
"There's not really much of a band right now."
"But there will be." He stopped for a moment, eventually nodding again.
"I would love to have my family on tour with me. Family meaning.. you, and whoever else we brought along."
I saw his eyes quickly move down to my ring before looking back up at me, his hand slowly moving down to my neck. Then, he started to lean in.
I quickly moved away, pushing myself up from the bed as fast as I could manage without toppling over, my head already starting to spin.
"We should go back." I said. "They're probably wondering where we went" His face dropped, now staring back up at me.
"Right." He sighed, hesitating for a moment before getting up, making his way over to the door.
He opened it for me, motioning back out into the living room. I quickly made my way down the hall, hearing him shut the door, following me close behind.