𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍
𝐬𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐫𝐚𝐝
𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐰:
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･☼
My mind was clouded like dark storm clouds that would conceal the sun from its glory, Olivia's words from these past few weeks wouldn't stop playing in my head. It killed me because I knew she was right- that was the worst part.
It felt like no matter what I did or didn't do I would mess things up and it always ended up with the same person being hurt. But it pained me to see her miserable because of me, even from the first day they arrived I could see the sadness in her eyes when I wasn't my usual self.
But how could I be? How could I be myself when I have this constant dagger in my back dragging me down from the secret that I shouldn't even know?
But that was beside the point, I had to pretend it wasn't really happening, I had to act for the others and partly myself that my mom wasn't sick again because I couldn't face the truth.
Which is why I'm now on a boat, with Cleveland, pulling rotted wood away from the pannels. The whole thing was rotted, it was like an infection it just kept spreading and spreading; it never ended.
"God, this is bad, man." I groaned, becoming increasingly frustrated with the amount of rot as I tore the wood apart.
"Fսck! Ow." This was all that I needed, I pulled the piece of wood from my finger and ignored the pain as I kept pulling the wood. There had to be at least one piece that was savable.
"You're a little on edge, my friend." Cleveland stepped forward carefully which made me feel like I was a piece of glass that would shatter at any wrong move.
"It's been a bad week."
"Is your dad back in town?"
"No, other stuff."
"How are things looking with that girl?"
"Not good." This other girl that I had told him about was Olivia, she's driving me crazy and he's the only person I've told because even if he does have something going on with Laurel I know he won't go telling people.
"And this isn't looking good either, man. I mean, it just keeps going and going. The whole goddamn thing is infected, and I didn't notice. It's everywhere, and I didn't notice!" I threw the wood to the side, how could I have been so stupid not to notice? I had been on this boat for weeks.
"Conrad, whoa! Whoa. What is going on, man?"
Every sounded muffled, Cleveland's voice echoed like he was miles away, in that moment all I could hear was the increasing beating in my heart like It was going to burst any second.
"My heart's beating really fast, and, um... " I gasped for air but nothing was going in, it felt like I was being suffocated almost choked in a way, "It's really hard to breathe."
"Hey. No, it's normal. You're having a panic attack. It's okay. Okay, you look at me. Deep breaths. Okay?" I finally looked at him as he told me to breathe in and out, I followed and copied what he did and I slowly felt my breathing return to normal.
I knew I was having a panic attack it just surprised me because I haven't had one in years, I thought it was something I had finally gotten over but clearly not. I remember the first time I had one was actually roughly around this time, it was definitely summer and my mom had just been taken to the hospital for her first round of chemo.
I was so scared for her, everyone was, the Brookes and the Conklins were both there the whole time but it just all became too much. I was in my room with Olivia and then I just couldn't breathe; it was awful but she never left my side and she calmed me down so easily as well I wasn't sure how she did it.
I wasn't sure how she did anything if I was honest, she's so elegant and gentle, that's what I loved about her. She was also feisty and wasn't scared to speak her mind if she knew something was wrong and I had never spoken to any other girl like that before.
"How do you know all this stuff?" I finally spoke, the silence becoming too insufferable and I couldn't stand it.
"It was when my second book came out, that's when I had my first full-blown panic attack. I went to the E.R. thinking I was having a heart attack." He chuckled like it was the easiest thing.
"I've uh- I've had a panic attack before just not for a really long time so I thought they had stopped you know?"
"Conard, they don't just stop, you just learnt how to handle them better."
"But that's the thing, I can't handle them not without Olivia." I rambled, my eyes widening after I mentioned her name.
"Maybe you should tell your mom you know." I think he sensed that I had become uncomfortable so I was grateful he changed the conversation.
But I was less grateful that it was about my mom.
"Yeah, I know I want to I swear, but every time I try, I don't know how." I sighed.
"I nearly told Olivia so many times I mean, she's becoming suspicious and she's smart you know? I wouldn't be surprised if she found out."
If Liv did find out it would kill me, it was the worst possible scenario but it was inevitable; eventually, everyone would know and then summer would be over.
"I feel like maybe if-if I... I just keep it inside, you know... maybe that's what keeps her alive."
"You're afraid to step on a crack, you're afraid that you'll be the one to make it real." That's exactly how I felt, how is he so good at reading my emotions? It was kinda weird.
"This isn't something you can control, this is happening whether you say it out loud or not. Conrad, it's not on you. Okay?" He was right, and I knew he was right I just had to accept it.
"It's not on me."
ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ 𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄!
- bit of a shorter chapter but i felt
it was important to get Conrad's side
and his emotions. hope you all enjoyed
and again thank you for all your support!
ˏˋ°•*⁀➷
𝙞 𝙢𝙞𝙨𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪, 𝙞'𝙢 𝙨𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙮, 𝙩𝙨𝙞𝙩𝙥...
⇄ ◃◃ ⅠⅠ ▹▹ ↻
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