"How are you feeling?" Midoriya asked as he sat an omelet in front of his friend.
"I'm okay," Kaminari frowned. "Where's Sero?"
"He just laid down for a nap. He said to wake him up around lunchtime." The trio arrived last night, and Sero forced himself to stay awake until they were both up for the morning since he wasn't sure he trusted either of them in the middle of the night. He wasn't as worried about Midoriya. He was terrified Kaminari would wake up and hurt himself.
"Are you feeling any better today?" Midoriya asked. He hasn't seen any new cuts in the last couple of days, but he has seen Kaminari press on them from time to time.
"Not really," the blond sighed. "I feel like I'm avoiding the inevitable by being here. We both know I'm going to go home to Hitoshi on Monday, and we're going to fight."
"You don't have to go home to him, you know? I know you love him, Kaminari, but you must put yourself first. Nothing is worth you taking your own life," Midoriya sighed.
"I didn't want to take my own life. I just wanted something to remind me that I'm okay. That I'm still alive. I didn't plan to go as far as I did. As soon as I thought about it, I called you. I want to keep living." Kaminari pushed his plate away from him. Any appetite he had left was gone.
"I know how hard it is to reach out when you need help. I'm so proud of you for reaching out, and I am so thankful that you're still here." Midoriya reached across the table and grabbed his hand.
Kaminari squeezed his hand with a frown. "What should I do about Hitoshi?"
"Is his addiction worth your life? That's the question you need to be asking yourself. If you love and want to be with him, he has to put in the effort."
"What if he doesn't want to put in the effort?" Kaminari asked. That's what he was the most afraid of. The love of his life not loving him enough to get help for his addiction. He was scared he wasn't enough for Shinso.
"Then you have a decision to make. Nobody can make that decision other than you," Midoriya frowned. He could not even give him the right advice because there was no right one. How could love hurt so much? "I think we should look into therapy for you. You need it, and I can't provide it. One, I shouldn't be counseling the people in my life like this. I'm always happy to help when I can, but I can't help you as much since I'm biased. Two, someone with a degree will be more helpful than I am."
Kaminari shook his head. "They're just going to tell me to leave Hitoshi."
"Kaminari, therapy isn't that simple. They're not going to give you an answer to whatever question you ask. They're going to teach you how to remember your self-worth and think about all your decisions and options. They're also going to help you with your self-harm."
Kaminari knew he had no good reason to say no. Not when he could have taken his own life so easily a few days ago. He needed help, even if he didn't want it.
"When we get home, I'll look into it." Kaminari pulled his hand away from Midoriya and slid his plate toward him again. He still wasn't hungry, but he knew he had to try.
"What are you planning on doing when you get home?" Kaminari asked, shifting the focus off himself. They were there for both of them, after all.
Midoriya shrugged. "I will ask my boss to drop me down another day. One of these days, I'm scared he will let me go. I only work three days now. I don't know how happy he'll be if I drop to two."
"If he's not happy with it, then find another boss who is. You can't lecture me about my mental health and ignore yours," Kaminari warned. He wasn't trying to be mean, but he knew Midoriya. He knew he wouldn't care for his mental health unless someone made him.
Midoriya rolled his eyes. "I know. I just don't know what I want to do yet. I'm going to talk to Katsuki and see what he thinks. He's probably trying to rack his brain right now to figure out what he thinks the best option would be."
The blond was happy his friend had someone in his corner like that. However, he felt envious because he didn't. His boyfriend never saw a problem with what he was doing. He was never there for Kaminari. Not really.
"What do you want to do today?" Midoriya asked. "And moping around isn't an option." Sitting there and feeling sorry for themselves wouldn't do a thing.
"We can't go anywhere without Sero," Kaminari mumbled. Sero had the only set of car keys, and he was passed out on the couch. They had to find something around them, which didn't leave a lot of options.
"Well, we can watch a movie in the bedroom, go for a hike, or play a board game," Midoriya said. "One of those has to sound appealing."
"I think I'm going to go shower, and then we can watch a movie," Kaminari said while pushing his plate away again. He couldn't stomach the food.
Midoriya nodded his head. He and Sero removed anything sharp from the cabin and checked Kaminari's luggage. He wasn't necessarily worried, but he checked the time as Kaminari walked inside. He would check on him if he were longer than thirty minutes.
Kaminari quietly walked to the bedroom and grabbed a fresh pair of clothes before retreating to the bathroom. He gently shut the door and locked it behind him. He stared at it for a moment before unlocking it with a sigh. He didn't think his friends would barge in to check on him, but he would rather avoid paying for damages in case they did.
He turned the water on before turning his attention to the mirror. He had dark bags under his eyes, and his skin was pale. "I look as terrible as I feel," Kaminari mumbled.
His wrists burned as he took the cuffs off and laid them on the edge of the sink. He swore he wouldn't hurt himself again, but that didn't stop the urges. In fact, it only made them stronger. He didn't bring his razors, although he wished he had.
⚠️Self-Harm Scene⚠️
Since he couldn't create any new cuts, he tried ripping open the fresher ones with his nails. The one going up his arm shed a little blood, but it was enough. Enough pain to relieve the urges.
He released a shaky breath before ripping his clothes off quickly and stepping in the shower. He didn't want to leave any evidence behind, including drops of blood. The water was ice cold as it hit his back. He didn't bother adjusting it, liking how it hit his arm and wrists. It was an extra stinging sensation that brought a little relief afterward.
When he finally processed what he had done, tears fell down his face, mixing with the water. He swore he wouldn't hurt himself again. He didn't want to. He just wanted the urges to stop. He wanted to be okay again.
He wanted his boyfriend to love him as much as he wanted to love himself.
————————
When Kaminari got out of the shower, he immediately went to Midoriya and told him what he did. He came here this weekend because he wants to get better. Hiding is only going to do the opposite.
"There are a few methods you could try when you get the urge," Midoriya frowned. The urges wouldn't go away on their own, and if Kaminari couldn't push them away, he had to do something. "You could try gently snapping a rubber band on your wrist, pressing an ice cube to your cuts, or drawing on your arm whenever you get the urge."
"I feel like the rubber band one will be the best, but I don't know how I feel about swapping one form of pain for another," Kaminari mumbled.
"You snap it lightly. Not enough to give you welts, just enough to stop the urge. Ideally, you should call someone or go to something if you want to hurt yourself. If it doesn't go away, I recommend trying the rubber band or ice." Midoriya frowned. There's nothing worse than watching someone you love and care about be in so much pain and not be able to make the pain go away.
"What if nothing works?" Kaminari mumbled. That's what he was most terrified of. Something not working, and him taking it too far.
"Then maybe you should go into an in-patient program for a little while. Figure out what will work for you and get the help you need." Kaminari dropped his head on the table lightly.
"He's not wrong, you know?" Sero said from the doorway. They both jumped in their chairs and turned around. They didn't know he was awake and listening. "I know you haven't been first in a long time, but you have to put yourself first."
Deep down, Kaminari knew that. But his first thought was Shinso and how he was willing to do almost anything to keep him in his life. He wasn't sure if this time away would be enough to make his boyfriend realize how bad he was hurting, but he hoped it would be.