The problem with plans? They never worked. Not for me at least.
Every time I made plans, it seemed like my skin made plans to ruin them.
At some point, it became a convenient excuse to avoid facing my problems, like a shield I waved around whenever things got uncomfortable. It was a heavy shield but at least the pain was familiar.
Cody's words kept playing in my head over and over. When I was ready.
The monster had become drowsy lately. I was finally sleeping through the night again. My skin wasn't as dry as before and I only had a small rash on my arm.
My biggest problem was one thing. How the hell should I talk to Killian?
As Wednesday evening rolled around, marking the first week back at school, Cody, Suz, and I gathered in the living room to strategize. Or rather, they attempted to give me a much-needed pep talk.
At least, that had been the idea, but two episodes into the newest K-drama Suz had picked—Vagabond—they both sat at the edge of the couch, their eyes glued to the screen.
"Guys," I started, my voice barely audible above the sound of explosions going off on the TV. "Didn't we want to discuss my next steps?"
Cody, his gaze never leaving the screen, responded without missing a beat. "Call him. Talk. Done."
I reclined with a groan. "But what if he doesn't want to talk? What if he hangs up? What if he doesn't pick up in the first place?"
The male lead finally made a breakthrough, prompting a synchronized cheer from Suz and Cody. She hit pause, turning her attention to me. "Easy solve. Just corner him at university. Give him no way out, so he can't run. That's how I'd do it."
"Exactly," Cody added confidently. "And I told you, he's not fed up with you."
"But...I mean, we haven't talked since then." And there was this small part of me that had expected him to...call. Maybe sent a text. Anything really. This radio silence had put my nerves on edge. What if I had pushed him away too far?
"Tay, don't beat yourself up," Suz said. "You went through a tough time and maybe you could've handled it better, but you also could've handled it worse. You weren't exactly in the right mindset at that time. I was honestly scared you'd become depressed. But now, you've found your way back. That's important. You guys hungry?"
"Starving," Cody chimed in.
She rose from the couch and picked up the dairy-free, gluten-free, and egg-free baked potato casserole her cousin had dropped off earlier. The diet change had shown promising results, reducing the eczema flare-ups to a small spot on my arm.
"I guess so," I replied after picking up a plate. "We still should do something for your cousin by the way. He's really good at this."
Suz and Cody exchanged a glance I couldn't quite decipher. "Sure," she said in a hesitant voice. "Maybe next week or something. I'll talk to him."
Satisfied, I dug in. The dish tasted heavenly.
"I agree with Suz by the way," Cody said. "I think you should do it tomorrow. He said he wanted to go to the library before class. That should give you enough time."
A burst of panic shot through me. "T-tomorrow?"
"It's only getting worse the longer you wait," Suz added.
They had a point, of course. There was just this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I should've been faster. That it took me too long to crawl out of the hole I'd buried into. I shook my head. I should just go for it. "O-okay."
"Good." Cody grinned.
I sank back into the cushions, my bouncing heartbeat making it impossible to follow the happenings on screen. Tomorrow morning. I would talk to Killian tomorrow morning. It felt so close and at the same time years away. But I could do it. I had a plan. What could go wrong?
Apparently, a lot.
Which was how I found myself running through the hospital instead of the library. The call had come half an hour ago.
Please, be okay. Please.
I found her lying on a hospital bed, her head wrapped in a bandage but otherwise seemingly fine. "Sofia!" I ran up and quickly took her hand in mine.
She greeted me with a warm smile. "It's just a mild concussion. No need to sound so alarmed."
"You were in a car crash! You scared me to death. What the hell happened?"
"It was nothing crazy. I was actually lucky." She chuckled. "I don't know what happened to the car. They said it was probably an animal chewing on the cables, but the brakes just stopped working. I'm sorry to ask this, but can you take care of Angie for tonight? My colleague is gonna pick her up from school right now but she can't stay and they want to keep me overnight for observation."
"Of course. I got her. I'll tell her we are going to a sleepover at Suz's place later."
She gripped my hand more tightly. "Thank you, Tay. I wouldn't know what to do without—"
"Nonsense. Of course. Focus on recovery, okay? I got Angie. I can even take her for several days, alright?"
"Ah, Tay. You're really a gift."
"No, you know how much I love her. You've been gone for so long I was starting to feel sick without my little sunshine."
Sofia beamed at me. "So...how are things between you and your little troublemaker?"
My heart lurched. "I... I haven't talked to him yet..."
"But the new diet seems to work well, doesn't it? You look much better. And I don't mean your appearance. You seem better overall."
"I am. It's just. I've only been better for a few days. And I don't know how to approach him..."
"You miss him, right?"
I missed Killian. Now that I wasn't stewing in my misery anymore, I realized that I missed him so terribly that sometimes it was hard to breathe. I would usually feel some sort of relief pretty quickly after breaking off with someone. But this time it felt as if my insides were ripped. Even watching K-drama felt flat.
"Why would you think so?" I asked tentatively. Here, I thought I'd hidden it well whenever we'd talked.
"You got that look."
"What look?"
"The you're-in-love look."
My reply was instantaneous. "I'm not in love." I let out a nervous chuckle, continuing, "I mean, we haven't known each other for that long. How could I..." I trailed off. Then why did it feel as if I had just told a lie?
Sofia got an odd look on her face. "Did I ever tell you about Angie's dad?"
"No."
She gave a nervous laugh. "I don't like to talk about him. Cause it makes me feel weak."
"Is he still...around?"
"He's alive if that's what you're asking. But he's not allowed to see us. Four years ago, he was imprisoned—" There was something in her tone that made me tense. I didn't have to hear the next words to know what was coming. "—for domestic violence."
I could only stare at her in shock. I'd always suspected there was something more to the story, but Sofia always seemed so strong and capable. Now I knew that strength came from a dark place.
Leaning forward and tried to take a few deep breaths.
She patted my hand as if I was the one who needed comfort. "It's funny how you rationalize in your head why your husband is hitting you. He came up with whole stories as to why he hit me. I stayed with him longer than I should have. He was a police officer, very well respected, and I thought Angie needed a father. That she needed a family that was whole. And he didn't abuse her. Not at first."
I lifted my head again. No. The way she said it—
Sofia glanced at the ceiling and then she continued in a subdued tone, "Then one day I found bruises on her. She told me she fell at school. I... I really didn't notice at first. That's the worst part. That I failed her as a mother. When I found out it was him, I blew up. We had a huge fight. Things escalated and then Angie came home. He pushed her and she fell down a flight of stairs. Thankfully, the neighbors heard something and called the police. Even he couldn't weasel out of that one."
Hot, white rage cursed through me. He'd dared to hurt them. My hands tightened into fists. I'd never been a violent person, but now I understood why Killian had gotten into a fight with Rick and the others. I wanted to smash that guy's face in.
"You didn't fail her, Sofia. You're the best mom there is."
She managed a shaky smile. "Thank you for saying that."
"Angie said she doesn't know her dad," I said carefully.
Sofia paused. "That's because she doesn't. She doesn't remember a single thing." A tremor entered her voice. "She hit her head when she fell down the stairs. When she woke up, she didn't know him. As if she erased his presence from her mind. The doctors said that it was a defense mechanism due to the emotional trauma. That sometimes your body deals with it by forgetting because it knows you couldn't deal with it."
Sofia continued, "A few months ago, I got the news that he got released. On good behavior. It's embarrassing how the mere mention of his name makes me shiver in fear."
A sudden realization hit me. "That's why you went to your parents."
"That's right. But it's done. It's finally done."
"What is?"
"The restraining order. He can never approach us again. Unless he wants to spend the rest of his pitiful life in prison, that is."
She squeezed my hand. "Tay. Fear is always the motivator of our suffering. I feared leaving Angie without a dad, to speak up and I nearly paid the price. You don't know but there was a good man after him. I'd been at my ex-husband's mercy for so long that I didn't trust myself to start something new. After all my judgment had failed me before, hadn't it? I've regretted it ever since. And I know you're the same."
"What? I—"
"I know you feel like you're at the mercy of your condition," she said gently. "Because of that, you try to do everything yourself and shut people out. But Tay, you're not at its mercy. You're not failing because you rely on someone else. You don't have to battle everything yourself, my dear. You can have allies. Don't let your fear get in the way or only regret will stay with you. When you find a good man, you have to hold onto him."
I sat shocked into silence, her words resonating through me. I didn't have to fight everything myself. I had Cody, Suz, and maybe Killian, if I stopped letting fear dictate my actions. And if I followed that trail of thought then...
My mind began to replay all the moments we had shared together—the way he kept bothering me, the way he made me feel safe, and the way my heart skipped a beat whenever our paths crossed. Slowly, the pieces of the puzzle came together. I loved Killian, right? That was why I didn't feel better and why I was too scared to talk to him.
My heart ran away as a warmth slowly spread through my chest. It was an unfamiliar sensation, yet oddly comforting.
"Sof, I-I think I gotta go," I said after a moment. I had to see him. The quicker I did it the better. Sofia's colleague picking up Angie at school should give me more than enough time to go to school and look for him. Cody had said, he had classes in the afternoon, but if I left right now, I might be able to catch him before his next one.
"Go get him," Sofia called after me as I rushed out of the room, but I barely heard it.
Because my old plan was still in motion. Corner Killian at school. Easy, right? What could go wrong?