September 14th, 1984
-
After the night I found out that Dave got back into heroin, we never spoke about it. He never said anything to me, and I never confronted him out of fear, of how he'd react.
Nonetheless, me finding out didn't change much. Let's just say we don't exactly sleep in the same bed anymore.
The arguing had gotten worse, and more frequent. He'd get mad over every little thing now, he's pushed me a few times, but nothing major. Even Junior has to step in to get him off my ass sometimes.
I don't even remember the last time we said, 'I love you.' to each-other. Any sliver of hope I once had for this relationship was slithering away.
It's exhausting, but I can't bring myself to walk away. If I walk away from Dave, I feel like I'm just giving up on him. The night when Junior looked at me, practically pleading me not to with his eyes, and asked if I was gonna leave him won't leave my mind.
After the I just can't bring myself to do it, not for this. I feel like I need to help him somehow, I mean he was there for me.
It's just growing harder and harder each day, and I still am at a loss of what to do.
I had gone out drinking with Marty and Nick last night. Dave and Junior were non-stop arguing, so we slipped out while we had the chance, and went to get some drinks.
I don't think I've ever gotten so fucking drunk in my life, and I don't think I've ever seen someone drink as much as Marty and Nick did.
The second you'd think they were done, they just ordered more drinks, and somehow talked you into helping them finish 'em off.
We were all completely fucking shit-faced before we even left the bar. I don't remember going back to the tour bus, or what even happened when we got there for that matter.
I'm assuming Dave and I had ended up drunkenly arguing, like I said I don't remember, and glad I don't at that.
All I know is that I was definitely fucking paying for it now. This has got to be the worst hangover I've had in my entire life, I've puked at-least five times, and my head feels like it's being hammered on.
Unfortunately, the guys go on in about two hours, so I'm gonna have to suck it up soon.
I stumbled to my feet, slowly making my way toward the bathroom. I momentarily shuffled through the cabinet, searching for some pain meds, but shortly gave up once I noticed there weren't any left.
I groaned in frustration, as I heard footsteps approaching.
"This is why we don't drink like a fucking dumbass." Dave smiled sarcastically, looking at me as I pinched the bridge of my nose.
"Dave can we please not do this right now? I seriously feel like shit." I mutter, heavily sighing afterward.
"Your fucking fault not mine." He scoffed, crossing his arms and leaning in the doorway.
I blankly looked up at him, then back at the floor. I felt like I was about to collapse.
"Dave please, where are the pain meds?" I questioned weakly, rubbing my forehead.
I saw a glimmer of concern in his eyes for a moment, but it quickly went away.
"Shit outta luck, someone prolly' took 'em all." He shrugged, looking down at me.
I was about to say something, before I quickly threw myself over the toilet puking yet again.
"Gross." Dave muttered from behind me.
I wiped my mouth before to glare at him.
"No shit." I retorted bluntly.
"If you're gonna be fucking puking everywhere just stay home." He snapped.
I sighed heavily, bringing my knees to my chest.
"I'm gonna miss the show though, I thought you liked-" I was cut off before I could even finish.
"I don't care. It's whatever." He shrugged, walking out and closing the door behind him.
I felt tears brewing in my eyes. Little things like what just happened, really got to me. It's almost as if everything we had was just gone the second he shot up again.
It felt like he simply just no longer cared about me, and maybe he really didn't. It just hurt, so bad. At first I'd lost Kirk, and while Dave was still with me physically, the version of him I'd loved before was long gone.
I decided to try and sleep off as much of the hangover as I could. I pulled myself up off of the floor using the counter, and made my way to my bunk.
I laid down and turned over, closing my eyes. Part of me hoping I'd wake up, and everything from the past month or two would just be a nightmare or some shit.
-
I woke up, sighing heavily with relief since I felt better. My head wasn't pounding anymore, and my stomach stopped churning.
I sat up slowly, examining that I was alone in the dark tour bus.
I turned to to look at Nick's alarm clock, seeing the guys didn't start the show for 15 more minutes.
I quickly jumped up, brushed my hair, and changed my clothes in attempt to make myself look slightly more presentable, and less like I went through hell and back.
I quickly ran off of the tour bus and toward the backstage area of the venue, yet again flashing the security guard my pass.
By the time I made it back there, I was fairly out of breath.
I walked up to Dave dressing room, hearing his loud music blaring from the inside. I tried to turn the doorknob, only for it to be locked.
I furrowed my brows in confusion. I turned as I saw Junior out of the corner of my eye, standing by a table and drinking a beer.
I quickly ran over to him, almost tripping over myself.
"Hey Junior, where's Dave?" I looked at him with confusion, and panic taking over my face.
"He should be in his dressing room hun." He replied, taking another swig of his beer.
"The doors locked, could you help me open it? He could've OD'd in there or something I don't know." I mumbled.
He nodded and followed me over to Dave's dressing room door. He rummaged through his pockets before finally taking out a key.
He put the key in the lock, and unlocked the door, opening it for me after.
Junior and I both stopped in our tracks once the door had fully opened.
There Dave was, alive and well, fucking some slutty blonde bitch with fake tits.
I just felt hot tears brewing in my eyes, I couldn't speak or move.
Junior scoffed and walked in, turning off the loud music Dave had blaring, and clearing his throat.
Dave's head shot up, looking at Junior angrily.
"What the fuck!" Dave snapped.
Junior scoffed again, motioning his head in my direction before he started walking towards me.
Dave shifted his gaze to me, horror taking over his face. He quickly jumped up, pulling his pants on, and running over to me.
"Hailey, I promise it's not what it looks like." His words slurring, his eyes were extremely red.
He reached for my arm, but I shuddered and shrugged him away.
I just silently turned away, not saying a word, and walking out of the venue.
"Dave your on in two let's go!" One of the stage crew guys yelled.
I heard Dave groan, but he didn't come chasing after me or anything. Honestly I didn't expect him to.
I just silently walked back to the bus, a sickening knot tying in my stomach.
Once I got on the bus, I just broke down and cried. I just don't understand what I did wrong, I don't understand why I was so fucking unlovable.
The only two guys I'd ever loved just walked out like nothing, and just fucking cheated on me.
If there was anything that could've made me feel more worthless, it was this.
I sat there and cried for about an, chugging down a bottle of Jack I found under Marty's bunk.
After I deemed myself drunk enough, I decided to start packing up my stuff. Which took a long ass time, considering it was all scattered throughout the tour bus.
I was about to put the last few things into my suitcase, the bus door abruptly swung open, and Dave stumbled inside.
"Where are you going?" He said through slurred, panicked words.
"Home." I muttered.
"Are you serious? You're just walking out on me like that? C'mon it was a mistake I seriously didn't mean to, just please don't leave." He stumbled closer to me reaching out for my arm.
"Dave, you cheated on me. I'm not staying." I sighed, trying to hold back the tears from falling down my face, as I placed the last few things into my suitcase.
He scoffed at me, in disbelief.
"It's not fucking cheating, we never once established that we were actually together." He snapped, crossing his arms.
I just stared at him blankly, not being able to comprehend what he said. Maybe we weren't 'together' officially, but he's still a fucking traitor.
"Well, then there isn't a reason for me to stay." I smiled weakly at him.
He sat there, looking for words to say. More than likely regretting the last thing that had left his mouth.
"Goodbye Dave." I mumbled as my voice broke, picking up my suitcase, and walking out of the bus.
-
I walked into the airport, sliding the lady at the front desk every dollar I had left.
"Last minute ticket for L.A?" I questioned, slightly smiling at her through my sniffles.
She sympathetically frowned at me, as she slid the ticket toward me.
I thanked her, and boarded the plane quickly.
I don't know what's gonna happen now, but I pray to god something good will finally come my way after this.
Home sweet home.