Umbridge sat in her office, the walls, painted pink, hung with portraits of cats.
'Oh wow...that's certainly a statement.' Lily blinked.
'Guys, I'm going out on a limb here, but I think she might like the colour pink- not to be presumptuous or anything.' Barty commented.
'That's an awfully long word Barty, didn't know you were capable of using such vocabulary.' Evan teased.
'Fuck you Rosier. I'm literally a genius.'
'Oh of course.'
'I got all O's in my OWL's.'
'All except one- remember the E.'
'Hey! That was Astronomy- doesn't count. Stars are fucking stupid.'
'Hey!' Every single Black exclaimed at once in offence.
'You got all O's and an E in your OWL's?' Marlene checked, face the picture of shock.
'Yeah?'
'How? Dude what the fuck- I didn't know I was in the presence of a god.'
'Marlene shut your mouth, do not go boasting his ego.' Regulus groaned and Barty smirked.
She added a spoon of pink sugar into her tea.
'Bro why's it pink?' Sirius exclaimed confused.
'Okay but I'd actually quite like pink sugar.' James admitted getting weird looks from the others, 'what?'
The table was trimmed with lace and pink fabric. There was a knock on the door and Umbridge took a sip of her tea,
'Come in.'
'You couldn't pay me to go in there...well maybe 10 galleons.' Marlene reconsidered.
'5?' James countered making the girl tilt her head to the side in consideration before shrugging,
'Hell, who am I kidding- I'm broke, I'd do it for a galleon.'
Harry entered the office and Umbridge smiled fakely at him before setting the cup down. Harry sat at the desk in front of her.
'Why does she smile like that?' Marlene objected, 'that bitch needs to be slapped.'
'You're going to be doing some lines for me today, Mr. Potter.'
'To be fair, that could be worse- pretty chill detention.' Sirius shrugged.
'Yeah, she could have you cleaning cauldrons.' Peter shuddered.
He reached for his quill but Umbridge stopped him.
'No, not with your quill. Today you're to be using a rather special one of mine.'
'Okay well that sounds suspicious.' Remus frowned, 'what's she up too?'
She passed him a quill, a fake sugary smile on her face once more.
'Now...I want you to write, "I must not tell lies."'
Regulus rolled his eyes,
'I can't wait for them to find out he's telling the truth.'
Harry clenched his jaw, clearly fighting the urge to yell at her again, before gritting out,
'How many times?'
'Nah cos he's better than me, I'd-'
'Of slapped her?' Lily finished Marlene's sentence.
'Well I was gonna say punch but yeah.'
She walked slowly over to him and leant over his shoulder,
'Well, let's say for as long as it takes for the message to sink in.'
'Why's she acting so sketchy?' Remus frowned, 'I don't like this one bit.'
Harry paused expectantly,
'You haven't given me any ink.'
Umbridge waved him off,
'Oh, you won't need any ink.'
'"Won't need any ink"? Why wouldn't he need ink?' Bella said with a frown.
'Maybe it's like a regular pen.' Lily suggested making Bella frown,
'No ink?'
'Well they do have ink, but already in them so you don't have to constantly dip them in it every 5 seconds. Ingenious design to be honest, quills are so stupid.' Lily explained.
'That's so cool.' Bella awed.
'Literally- what were wizards thinking with quills, they're magic and they couldn't come up with anything better.' Alyssa agreed.
'I want a pen.' Bella announced, can you get me one for my birthday?'
Cissa rolled her eyes,
'Ill consider it.'
'There are scented ones too.' Alyssa added causing Bella's jaw to drop,
'Scented? With what?'
'Tons of different scents.'
'Sick. I want flavoured pens.'
'Scents not flavours- you're not eating the ink.' Alyssa corrected.
'Right, that.'
'Oh I know!' Sirius exclaimed, 'maybe it's one of those prank quills where whatever you write disappears so he'll be writing forever.'
Harry frowned but began writing anyway, red etching onto the paper as he wrote out "I must not tell lies". As he finished the line, he gasped in pain, looking to his hand which now bore the words on the parchment, scratched into his skin.
'Wow, okay, that's worse than my suggestion.' Sirius blinked.
'What the fuck?' James exclaimed in horror. Everyone stared in shock at the memory.
'What kind of a detention is this? She's torturing him!' Lily said angrily, 'how the fuck did she get hired?'
'That's a blood quill- those are illegal. This is ridiculous.' Remus said in shock.
'That bitch.' Marlene scoffed, 'I wanna slap her even more now.'
'Better yet, let's just throw her under a bus.' Barty chipped in.
'Bet- when're you free.' Marlene agreed.
'I'd cancel all my plans for this.'
'Why is Hogwarts incapable of hiring a competent DADA teacher?' Regulus asked in astonishment.
'Hey!' Remus and Barty exclaimed simultaneously in offence.
'Other than you Lupin.' Regulus corrected himself.
'Uh hello?' Barty scoffed, waving his hand in front of Regulus' face making said boy shake his head,
'Oh no, I stand by what I said about you- shit teacher.'
'Bro! I'm your bestest friend.'
'You tried to kill your students and were secretly working for a blood supremacist serial killer. Not to mention you taught 4th years illegal spells.'
'Point made.' Barty scowled.
'Not gonna lie you were actually one of our best teachers despite all of that.' Alyssa shrugged.
'I feel like that really speaks volume about the type of teachers you had.' Lily pointed out.
He stopping writing in shock, looking up at Umbridge whose smile was still intact.
'Yes?'
'Oh that little bitch.' Marlene said angrily, 'please slap her Harry, please slap her.'
'Marls, you can't fix everything by just slapping h- you know what? Who am I kidding, slap the bitch.' Lily cut herself off mid sentence.
Harry gritted his teeth, shaking his head,
'Nothing.'
'What? No!' Marlene groaned in frustration, 'that boy better not just keep writing.'
'This is torture.' Alice frowned.
'Harry, stop being so proud and STOP.' James yelled.
'That's right. Because you know, deep down...you deserve to be punished. Don't you, Mr. Potter?'
'No. No he doesn't- Harry stand up for yourself.' Evan said.
He began writing once more.
'Dude stop!' Marlene groaned.
Lily looked further distressed,
'Oh Merlin, he's gonna really hurt himself.'
The memory cut to Alyssa knocking on Umbridge's door later that night.
'No, not you too.' Peter said with a sigh.
'You better tell her to go fuck herself Lyss.' Marlene said seriously making her laugh,
'Yell at a teacher? I could never.'
'Come in.'
The door opened and she entered, a glare already fixed on her face.
'Ah, Miss Granger. Go ahead, take a seat.' She smiled as Alyssa sat down, 'now, you'll be writing lines for me.'
'No.' Lily frowned nervously.
She passed the girl the quill from her desk which she accepted with a scowl,
'What should I write?'
'That's right- keep scowling.' Marlene nodded appreciatively.
A smile appeared on Umbridge's face,
'Write "I must not disrespect my superiors".'
'Bitch stop smiling!' Barty exclaimed, 'what a creep.'
'Does she just enjoy watching children bleed?' Sirius scoffed.
'Okay but I feel like this is a safeguarding issue.' Alice said causing Frank to give her an incredulous look,
'You think?'
Alyssa scoffed, rolling her eyes but she began writing, stopping mere seconds in as her hand began to hurt. She dropped the quill in shock.
'What the fuck?'
'Yes, now tell her to go fuck herself!' Marlene urged.
'Is something wrong?' Umbridge asked with a smile.
'"Is something wrong"? The fuck do you think bitch.' Sirius scoffed.
'Uh yeah actually- you're using a fucking blood quill on me. You do know these are illegal.'
'Lyss, how the fuck do you know what a blood quill is?' Remus asked in astonishment.
'Is that a dig at my intelligence?' Alyssa asked, 'cause I take great offence to that.'
Remus shook his head in disbelief,
'You haven't actually answered my question. I mean Harry evidently didn't know what it was.'
'Yeah, well Harry's not exactly the brightest is he?'
At Lily's glare she quickly added,
'Lovely guy all the same. And, Remus, if you must know, I read about blood quills.'
'Where?'
'An academic book.'
Remus narrowed his eyes at her disbelievingly,
'"An academic book"?'
'Mhm, "dark artefacts of the wizarding world" by Jane Andrews.'
'You mean Jane Anders?' Lily corrected her.
'Oh same bloody thing.'
'And you just decided to read that 1000 word book?' Remus checked.
'Yes, and it was quite riveting.'
'Really?'
'Yes!'
'Really though?'
'Okay fine, I accidentally locked myself in the toilet and it was the only thing in there- I read precisely one and a half page and there were quite frankly way too many unnecessary words for it to make any sense!' Alyssa admitted.
Remus nodded smugly making Alyssa glare at him whilst Peter frowned,
'Why was there a book on dark artefacts in your toilet?'
'Mia, she reads whilst brushing her teeth- bloody ridiculous if you ask me but whatever works for her.' Alyssa rolled her eyes, 'anyway, now that Remus has disputed the idea of me being an academic, shall we continue to watch the memories?'
Evan leant over to Barty, muttering,'Disputed means challenged in case you were confused.'
Barty scowled, shoving him over with a yelp.
'Miss Granger, you will keep writing lines because deep down you know that you deserved to be punished, don't you?'
'Damn, she's reusing lines- how embarrassing.' Marlene laughed, 'you already said that to Harry moron!'
'Not only is she a bitch but she's a repetitive bitch.' Sirius rolled his eyes disapprovingly.
'The fuck i do! This bullishit may of worked at your shitshow of a ministry but I'm out.'
'YES!' Marlene cheered, 'thank you very much.'
'Thanks god.' Lily sighed in relief.
'I beg your pardon.'
'Beg all you want you vile git, I doubt it worked with Fudge and it ain't working here.'
'Oh shit!' Barty burst out laughing.
'The fact even Fudge is repulsed by her says a lot.' Regulus agreed.
Alyssa went to stand up.
'Miss Granger! If you leave that chair you will receive 3 more hours of detention.'
Umbridge said harshly but Alyssa ignored her, pushing her chair back, standing to her feet.
'Don't you walk away from me-'
Alyssa walked to the door.
'If you open that door-'
'This one?' She asked mockingly, pulling the door open.
'Honey I love you but you're getting expelled.' Marlene laughed.
'Worth it.' Lily said, 'someone need to stand up to her- nice job Lyss.'
'Miss Granger I can have you suspended!'
'On what grounds? Walking out of your daily torture sesh? What's wrong? Do you feel deprived of seeing children's blood as they scratch bullshit into their hands?'
'So true.' Barty cheered.
'Miss Gr-'
'I'm not finished talking Umbitch! You know what...I actually can't remember what I was going to say now so thanks a lot.'
'"Umbitch"- I'm gonna use that from now on.' James smirked.
'2 weeks of detention.'
'I feel as though she's downgraded her punishment. She went from suspension to detention.' Severus pointed out.
'That rhymed.' Luna smiled.
'Sorry?'
'I said, 2 weeks of-'
'No no no, i was apologising to your cats that have to share an office with you.'
'Say goodbye to Hogwarts girl- but you're my idol so who cares.' Marlene laughed.
'Bit sad- having your daughter as your idol.'
'Okay James, you've been fangirling over your son the moment we started watching these memories.'
'Okay but isn't he the coolest?' Jame gushed making Marlene roll her eyes.
'THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH!'
'Mhm?'
'I-I-I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU YOUNG WOMAN! DETENTION FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR!'
'No, go on, speak louder- i don't think the giant squid can hear you yet.'
'You-you-you mudblood!'
'And we're back to blood supremacist slurs.' Pandora sighed, 'of course we are.'
'Shouldn't a ministry worker be about this?' Xeno said.
'The ministry a total shit show, I wouldn't be surprised if half of them are blood supremacists. Some of them are literally death eaters.' Alyssa pointed out.
'Guys, I know I was low-key a blood supremacist like a week ago so this sounds hypocritical of me, but the slurs sound so stupid. Like the one for muggleborns...it sounds ridiculous.' Bella pointed out.
'You're so right- i sounds like something a kid would come up with in the playground at primary school.' Lily laughed.
'Ouch! That hurts, that hurts right here.'
Alyssa placed her hand mockingly over her heart.
'I'm going to make your life a living hell you disgusting, ungrateful little child.'
'Fuck you, you pink piece of shit!'
She hit her fists together.
'That was a Friends reference. You'd get it if you were cultured and didn't spend your time torturing kids and laughing like a demented fairy.'
Umbridge blinked, opening and closing her mouth, no words coming out.
Alyssa stormed out the office, slamming the door behind her.
'Yes! Put her in her place. Literally never been prouder.' Marlene grinned.
'I love Friends.' Lily smiled.
'LITERALLY! amazing show.' Alyssa agreed.
'Also she really does laugh like a demented fairy- now you've said it I can't unsee it.' Barty agreed.