I woke up early. Around 2 am. Feeling sick. I had a bad dream. It upset me. I remembered it in detail when I woke up. I turned on the light and went to the kitchen to have some sprite. Hoping to settle my stomach.
Tom came into the kitchen. He said, "are you ok?" I said, "yeah I just had a really bad dream."
He looked so hot. He had a white tee shirt, and blue pajama pants on. He had a robe on. He looked like he was still half asleep. His hair in his eyes. As bad as the dream was, just looking at him, and how hot he was made me feel better. Instead of how I was feeling sick, and tense just before he came out. Now I'm finding it hard to focus.
Tom sits down at the table. He said, "Do you want to tell me? You don't have to, but if it would help to talk about it." I said, "you look exhausted. If you want to go back to bed." Tom said, "I can if you want to be alone. I just wanted to check on you, I saw the lights go on."
I said, "we were at the wedding. And the minute we walked in all eyes were on me. Staring at me. Pointing, whispering, laughing. Then all of my old friends, the girls they came up to me, pretending to be nice, but they were only wanting to go on about how Kris is so beautiful, and Rob is so lucky to have her, then they started flirting and hitting on you. Then I was going to go over and talk to my brother, he was across the room, and I tripped, and fell and everyone laughed Tommy."
Tom said, "I'm sorry. I know how real dreams can be and upsetting." I nodded. I said, "I feel better now just talking to you. Thank you." He smiled. His perfect smile. Making me almost forget my own name.
Tom said, "Syd I want you to know. I can't control if any girls hit on me." I said, "I know that." He said, "But I won't let them flirt, I will shut that down. Please don't worry about that. If you think that it's going to be like it was the night we met, it won't be. I promise you. Sydney you will never have to witness that again." I said, "Thanks Tom. You should go back to bed." He said, " Are you going to be ok?" I said, "yes I feel better now. I think I will go try and go to sleep." Tom said, "if you need me come get me ok. Or yell I'll keep my door open." I said, "Thanks." Tom left.
Tom came back. He said, "hey I just want to tell you I'm in awe of you, how strong you are. I could not have done that; I mean I just no way was I that strong." I said, "What." He said, "never mind. Try and go to sleep and not worry. I mean I really don't see why any of those ex-friends of yours would be laughing at you. They should be apologizing and be afraid to face you."
Tom's view:
Damn this girl the way she gets to me. Under my skin. I lose all control to think. To focus. I mean why did I blurt that out to her. No one knows about that. Not even Judy. And I'm going to keep it that way. I will never tell a single person. Even to this day I'm humiliated by it. I feel stupid. I don't know what Judy or Sydney would think. I mean it makes me look like less of a man. I don't want Sydney feeling sorry for me or pity. And she's so sweet she would.
But I am in awe of her. I mean the guts she has to even go to this wedding. Especially when she is afraid people will laugh at her. I do imagine she is right; all eyes are going to be on her. On us. I'm hoping that I can help her as much as she lets me. She can lean on me. I'm going to tell her that before we go. She can hold on tight to me, hold my hand, whatever she needs. Hide her face on my shoulder. I'm sure everyone is going to be looking to see how she reacts, especially to her dad walking that bitch down the aisle. I mean I can't even imagine what that is going to do to Sydney.
Her dad has asked her several times if she is ok with it, and I have tried, Judy has tried, her brother has tried to get her to tell her dad that she's hurt by it. But she refuses. Stubborn. I get her reasoning, she loves her aunt, but still. I don't think Sydney realizes how it may hit her, when she is there witnessing it.
I'm sure that no one is going to be laughing at her, in fact, she is going to look so hot, so beautiful, this ex of hers is going to feel sick, seeing her on my arm. And I intend to have her not just on my arm. I mean, we are always going to be just friends. She would never want to date me, never will think of me more than a friend, which is good, because I don't date, I don't commit, I don't have relationships or girlfriends.
But I have fallen hard for her. I love her. I will never admit it or tell a single soul. I will take that secret to my grave. Not even telling Judy, because no one can know. Sydney can never know. Since this is the only date that I will ever have with her, and since she is going to have an audience, I am also going to talk to her about what I was thinking we could do.
I mean I know I'm being a jerk to her. Part of me, I'm being selfish. Because I am in love with this woman, and I can never have her. I mean even if some day she was willing, to maybe make love, I would have to refuse, tell her sorry as bad as I want her, as bad as I crave and obsess with sex over her, we can't do that. I mean for one thing; I can't make love to her then not be with her. I can't have her in my arms, and love her like that, and then go back to just being friends, partners.
And I don't do relationships or commitment, and I would never hurt her like that. I mean if we had sex, and then it was just like friends with benefits, she would be hurt. Sex to her is a commitment, and I can't make that commitment. As much as I might want to, I will never. I mean I will never open myself up to humiliation, betrayal, pain, and heartbreak. No girl will ever hurt me. As hurt as I was, it was nothing compared to what it would be if Sydney did that to me. I know now I've never felt like this about any other girl, and Sydney would destroy me.
I'm going to be selfish. I'm going to ask her if she well let her know that I'm willing to do whatever she needs at this wedding. I feel like I'm kind of taking advantage of her. And it makes me feel bad about myself. But this is my only chance. And actually, I know that if I were to kiss her cheek, whisper in her ear, make her life, flirt with her, her kiss my face, or if I could really kiss her on the lips, it would make her ex go insane. He would not be able to even focus on his new bride, and it would hurt her cousin, ruin her big day. I mean what bride is going to be ok with having her new husband's ex come and then him be obsessed with staring at her, obsessed with how hot and sexy she looks and how she is into another guy. Me.
I have been thinking about this a lot. And that is why I've been so quiet around Sydney, also why I've avoided hanging out with her after that weekend we spent together. As perfect as it was to have her stay here on Friday and then spend all Saturday with her and stay at her house, and as much as I've missed her, I didn't ask to come over, or ask her to come over here, and she didn't ask me.
We can't hang out alone like that. I mean I'll never turn her away. If she needs me. If she calls, I'm there. If she wants to come stay or if she wants me to come stay. But I can't hang out with this girl. That weekend really got to me. I mean her fixing me breakfast, and dinner, us spending all weekend together. It wasn't just like two friends. It felt to me like we were a couple. Like doing couple things. Cooking, eating together, dishes. I can't do that with her. Because it will just make me want her even more and make me wish I could be with her.
I've just been too chicken to bring it up to Sydney, and I have been up most of the night thinking about it. I am running out of time. I need to talk to her before Judy comes over.
Sydney's view:
I have tried to go back to sleep. But I can't. I keep picturing how hot Tom looked. What it would be like to be with Tom then wake up to him every morning. I also wonder what Tom meant when he said that.
Tom comes out. He said, "hey Syd you awake" I said, "yes." He said, "Can we talk a minute." I said "yes" Tom turned on the light. Damn he looks so hot.
Tom said, "Sydney I've been thinking. I have an idea. But I don't want to upset you, so if you are not ok with it. If you are uncomfortable with it. You have to tell me. Promise me" I said, "I will."
Tom said, "you might be too nice a person to even want to do this, but I have a way that you can ruin your cousin's wedding. I mean not actually ruin it but ruin her happy mood." I laughed. I said, "I'm not too nice tell me."
We laughed. Tom sat down. He said, "my guess is Rob is not over you, and that you are going to be more beautiful than the bride, which is going to upset her, because she is going to see that Rob is obsessed with you, how you look in those dresses, and more important if you were to be all into me, like letting me kiss your cheek, whispering in your ear, making you laugh, you kissing my cheek, us holding hands, my arm tightly around you, it will drive him crazy, I'm thinking with you in that dance dress all over me, or me all over you, he won't be able to stand it. She will realize it."
Tom said, "I mean you're a woman. What woman would want her new husband at their wedding unable to stop looking at his ex and her date. I mean if you are so into me, that you are ignoring Rob. It will prove to Rob that you are over him. And then she will be hurt and all mad. Ruin their wedding night for sure.' We laugh. I said, "And you would really be ok with doing all that. I mean I'd love to." Damn no I need to fix that before he knows I am falling for him.
I said, "I mean I'd love to ruin some part of her day. Like I really though think you are wrong. Rob does not want me. If he did he wouldn't have slept with her." Tom said, "Sydney he's a pig. I think he will be jealous." I said, "And you wouldn't be sick if I kissed your cheek or you mine. I mean kissing me wouldn't make you feel sick."
Tom's view:
Those words break my heart. How could she think that kissing her or her kissing me would make me sick.
I said, "Sydney no, of course not. That is the dumbest thing or silliest thing I've ever heard. I have told you many times that what I said to you that night we met, I didn't mean it. I lied to you about all of it. Sydney you are hot. You are beautiful. I mean of course we are friends, partners, but kissing you is not going to make me sick. I want to help you through this day. I mean that is what a good friend, a good partner does right. I mean when your partner is down you help them up." I said, "Right Tom. I want you to know I'm here for you, whenever I mean if you ever needed to talk about any problems or anything." I said, "Thanks."
She said "Whatever you think will work, I mean even if it doesn't bother him, and ruin her day, it still would make me not look like a fool, so I'm ok with it. Thank you." I feel like a real jerk. She is thinking me. When I really just want to use this day to be able to pretend that we are a couple. I can kiss her. I can hold her. I can whisper in her ear and touch her. Dance with her.
Then I'm going to have to distance myself from her. Just as long as it takes for me to get over these feelings, I have for her. It's too risky with how I feel about her, to be close to her.
Like I said, I will never turn her away, I will be here whenever she needs me, but the rest of the time, I'm going to keep my distance. Not enough that she will notice or think something is wrong. Still see her in group setting, work with her on cases. But I am not going to ask to come over or invite her over here. If she calls and asks yeah of course.
I go back to bed. Finally able to sleep. When I wake up, I smell food. Damn she makes my kitchen smell so damn good. Like she is the best cook. My mouth is salivating at the thought of eating all she made me. I go out and she has my breakfast ready. Everything is so delicious.
But she's not eating with me, she has toast, then is going to take a hot bath to relax. I would love to wake up every day like this to Sydney, watching her sleep, then eating breakfast with her. But that can't happen. I need to stop thinking about it.
Judy comes, and then she takes Sydney's hand, and they disappear into the bathroom. Like for hours. I go and knock on the bathroom door. Asking if everything is ok. And I have to get in there, and then take a shower get ready.
I said, "ladies' things ok in there." Judy yells "yes Hanson" I look at my watch. We were supposed to leave at 11. I said, "Sydney I need to get in the bathroom, and then also take a shower, so that I can get ready." Before I finish the door opens. Sydney and Judy come out. Sydney looks so damn beautiful. I almost stop breathing. My heart races.
Judy said, "Hanson how does your date look? I keep telling her she looks beautiful, but she doesn't think so."
I said, "Sydney you look so beautiful. I mean wow. You definitely could stop a man's heart." I smiled at her.
She said, "Are you sure I look ok in this dress. I just don't think I look good in this dress. But I don't know what else to wear." I said, "Sydney you look beautiful. Incredible. I'm not just saying that." Judy said, "Hanson you better get your butt in the shower and then get your suit on. You don't want to make Sydney late." I said, "excuse me Judy. I mean I've been waiting to get in my bathroom for a couple of hours, so that I could get ready." I smile. Hoping Sydney knows I'm not mad just teasing.
Sydney said, "Sorry Tommy" I said, "I'm teasing you. It won't take me long." Judy said, "That is one thing that is so unfair about you men. You don't have to do anything to get ready. Take a shower, put on a suit, comb your hair. That's it." I said, "The joy and benefit of being a man" The girls give me a look and roll their eyes. I laugh.
Sydney's view:
Damn I wish I would have just bought two dresses for the wedding, then the dance one. I mean that way once I put this one on, if I didn't like how I look in it, I could change. What do I do? I can't change. I'm stuck with it. Tom and Judy tell me I look fine. Tom said, beautiful. But he's too sweet to tell me I look bad. Judy asked me how my nerves are holding up. She tells me that she would not be able to attend, nor see her father walk her down the aisle. She said that would hurt her so much, and she thinks she would turn violent and go kick the girls ass if she even tried to walk down the aisle on her dad's arm. Judy gives me a hug, and leaves. I thank her for all her help.
I am pacing now back and forth. I just messed up so bad. Picking the wrong dress.
Tom comes out. He looks so hot and so handsome. He had his suit on. His hair is wet. Making him even sexier.
Tom said, "Sydney you are going to wear yourself out." I said, "Tom I messed up big. I should have picked out two dresses I mean for the wedding itself. Because I don't like how this dress fits me." Tom said, "Sydney you look perfect. You're beautiful." I said, "Tom I don't have the build to fill this dress. I look like a clown" Tom said, "that is not true. That is just what is in your head. You are beautiful. This dress looks perfect. All the dresses you tried on, this was my favorite, except for the one you are going to wear tonight." I said, "The one I will maybe wear tonight. I mean Tom I'm not sure about that. If I look like a clown in this one, how bad the other one. I mean and showing so much skin"
Tom said, "Sydney you are covered up tightly in that other dress, not showing anything but your mid-section. And you look beautiful in this dress. Please don't worry about how you look. You fit that dress perfectly" He gives me a smile. A perfect smile that puts me at ease.
I said, "Well I don't think I look good, but I will say that you look very handsome Officer Tom Hanson." He smiled. He said, "Thank you Officer Mitchell, and you look absolutely gorgeous." I said, "thanks, I know for a fact that all my ex-friends will be staring at you, and hurrying over to get your name, and probably your number." Tom said, "they aren't getting it nor will I be talking to them at all. Please don't worry about that."
I said, "Tom thank you so much for doing this for me." He said, "you're welcome. You ready to go?" I said, "no but we need to. My dad and Jay have already called.
Tom took my hand and then we went out to his Mustang. He opened the passenger door. I got in, then he put my other dress lying across his back seat. In case I did change into it for the dance.
My aunt had booked the Grand Hotel. The wedding was going to be in by the waterfall, and then the ball room for the reception, and another ball room for the dance. I said, "Tom, I can't imagine how much this wedding is costing. The Grand is the most expensive hotel in our city, and then to have one ballroom for the reception, and then rent out the other ballroom for the dance"
Tom said, "Another reason never to get married huh. Weddings are expensive. I mean Charlie was griping to us guys. About how expensive. I mean her dress was thousands of dollars, only to be worn once Sydney. It's so freaking stupid. To waste money like that." He said, "Sorry you are a girl, so you probably think different." I laugh.
I said, "While yes it's terrible to spend so much on a dress, if I was, I mean when I dreamed about being a bride, I wanted a beautiful dress. So, I guess I don't think it's as horrible as you do."
Tom said, "But Sydney come on ok I get it you were a little girl and you dreamed about weddings and stuff. I mean see men and women are just so different. But still, you have to admit that weddings are so expensive. Like not talking a fancy wedding like this one. You're right I can't imagine the cost of this one. But I'm saying just your average church wedding is thousands Sydney. And it's all a waste of money. I'm glad that I'm never ever going to get married. I would refuse to waste all that money on a wedding."
I said, "they are expensive." He said, "and then a lot of people are divorced after a few years, all that money down the drain, and they don't even stay married. Make that make sense." I laughed.
Tom pulled up to the hotel. He said, "this hotel is fancy huh. I never been here." I said, "yes, it is. I've not stayed here but been here for some banquets when my dad got an award. It's beautiful. I have to say they picked a beautiful location. I mean with the waterfall in the atrium."
They had a valet, so Tom said, "Sydney what should I do about your dress. I mean I can come back and get it or should we take it, and then" I said, "oh Tommy, I didn't tell you, I was meaning to. My dad told me this morning, that he booked a room for me. He said that I don't have to stay here, but he thought I might want to have a place to go, if I need to be alone. You know right after the wedding, or before the dance." Tom said, "ok I'll grab your other dress, and your overnight bag." I said, "Thanks."
He had my dress over his shoulder, and my bag on his shoulder, and then he took my hand, and we walked into the hotel. I said, "I guess we need to check in first, and then we can go take my dress up to the room." Tom said, "ok"
We are in line to check in. I see a few of my ex-friends. I said, "oh no." Tom said, "What." I said, "I just saw some of the girls I used to be friends with." Tom said, "Ignore them."
We checked in. And turned to go to the elevator. We got to the elevator; I was relieved the girls were gone. But when we turned the corner to the elevator. They were all standing there. More of them.
They saw me. Elizabeth, and Samantha came up to me and said, "Sydney" I looked at them. My arm tightened on Tom's hand. I said, "hi" Carly said, "who is this hottie.;" Tom said, "Sydney's man." Tom pushed the button to the elevator. I feel sick as I could see all the girl's eyes all go up and down Tom's body. Like totally ignoring me as if I wasn't even there. While we were waiting, Tom said, "hey baby." I looked at him. He kissed me. Almost making me faint. It was a sweet kiss, but passionate, and intense. My body exploded; I mean sensations all over my body. He broke the kiss. And I felt like I was on fire, my body burning up. The girls were all staring.
The elevator door opened. Tom said, "Baby let's go to our room. I want to get you alone for a little bit before we have to go to this boring fiasco." We got in. The girls said, "please hold the elevator for us." Tom said, "Sorry I'll send it back down. I really can't wait another second." I laughed as the door closed on them. He rolled his eyes. He said, "Damn I cannot picture you ever being friends with those sloppy bitches." I laughed harder. Tom said, 'I'm serious Sydney. I mean damn girl" I laughed.
We got to my room. Tom opened the door, letting me go in, and then he put my bag down. I took my dress and spread it out on one. of the beds.
I said, "Tommy I'm such an idiot. I totally forgot when my dad called, to tell you that he got a room. I mean you could have brought a bag. I mean that is if you want to stay here, we don't need to, or you can leave me here" Tom said, "um uh it's fine Sydney. I don't need an overnight bag. I'm a man remember, we travel light." I laughed So did he. He said "it's up to you. We can stay here or go to my place or your place. Or I can leave, and you stay here. It's all up to you. I'm fine if we stay."
Tom's view:
I went into the bathroom. Ran the water and splashed my face with it. Cold water.
I run my hands through my hair. How am I going to do this? I mean damn that kiss, I have never wanted to kiss someone as bad as I have wanted to kiss her. But I was not expecting what it would do to me. Making every nerve on my body come alive. Not to mention the throbbing part of my body definitely is alive. How the hell am I going to stay in this room with her. I mean I was not prepared for that. Staying on the couch at my place, I have my room, I can escape to, and at her house, she has that spare room, but here I mean yes there is two beds, and a huge couch, but the difference is at my house or her house, we aren't kissing, we aren't touching, we aren't dancing. How do I spend all day with her, being so close, kissing her, touching her, and have her in my arms dancing, then come up to this room. I know one thing I will need to have a cold shower, maybe stay in there for an hour. Then I'll be able to go and take one of the beds. But damn that kiss. I have never felt that what that kiss did to my body. Did to all of me. How it made me feel. Took everything I had not to take her right there in the elevator. I can't do that. I can't make a move on her like that. Even though all I want is to love and kiss every inch of her beautiful body.
Sydney's view:
I know Tom only kissed me because of those girls. And I owe him for doing it. I mean it was like I thought they think he's hot. Of course, they do. They were acting as if I don't exist, like I'm invisible. So, he kissed me. But damn what a kiss.
I go look in the mirror that is by the desk. I am touching my face. My lips. Reliving that kiss.
I have never ever been kissed like that. I mean ok I haven't been kissed by too many guys. 3 now, to be exact. But Rob never kissed me like that. The kiss was sweet, and gentle, but also deep and probing. Like his tongue probing the inside of my mouth. He gently bit my lower lip. Not only did the kiss affect every part of my body and making me definitely feel something in that part as well, but it made me unable to speak, except moan, and almost left me feeling like I could faint.
If he can kiss like that and do that to me, with just one kiss, what would it be like if he made love to me. I need to stop thinking about him like that. It's torture.
I don't want to hurt his feelings. He's been so sweet to me. But I've decided that after this day is over, that I am going to have to distance myself from Tom. I mean I've thought about it a lot. And for sure after this, there needs to be distance.
I'm going to do it in a way that he doesn't even notice. I am not going to talk to him about it. I just think that I will just say that I'm busy. I mean if he tries asking me if I want to hang out. In fact, I think I'm going to skip Marco's night for a while. I will just say that I have to go to my dad's, he needs me for something, and it won't be a lie, I will just go over to my dad's. I may just stay with my dad for a few weeks. That way I won't be tempted to ask Tommy to come over and play with Jay's video games. I mean. I can't be around Tom after this. I need a break.
That kiss what it did to me, it's going to make it impossible to stop from falling for him, so I will have to keep distance from him, until I can handle it better. I really hate that I'm falling for him. I mean I'm in for a world of heartbreak and pain. Even though Tom and I will never be anything but friends partners, if I can't stop from falling for him, I'm going to be hurt.
Tom is the sexiest most handsome man I've ever seen. And every woman thinks so. I mean like at the bar that night, every girl was trying to go home with him. It's always going to be that way. And I know he is focused on his job, and trying to get that promotion, so he is not out hooking up a lot, but eventually he is going to go hook up. I mean he's a hot man, he has options, and he has needs. And it will hurt so bad to know he's out hooking up. That is why I have to put distance between us. Maybe if I stay away from him, then maybe I can stop from falling for him.
I'm thinking I might even ask Adam if I can have some time off, for a little trip. Maybe I can tell him I need a mental break, had some issues in my family. That might be the best thing. Go away for like two weeks. Not see Tom. Maybe when I get back, I can manage to forget about him.
Tom's view:
I know after kissing her, and if I survive this night, with her in my arms, I have to go ahead with my plan to keep distance between us. I don't want to hurt her. I'm not going to tell her. But I think I'm going to have to leave town for at least a month. I mean I have built up lots of vacation time. I haven't used much sick leave, and I don't take many days off. I have at least a month that I can use. I will tell Adam that I need off. That my mom needs me to come home. I have to get away from this girl. She's driving me insane. I'm not sure I can survive much more. I am going to miss her so damn much. I will tell her if she needs me to call me and I can come from my mom's. But this is for the best. I have to find some way to stop from falling even harder.