For once the campus café was unusually quiet. With most students away for the holidays, the usually crowded space seemed oddly large. The smell of freshly brewed coffee wafted through the air, and I inhaled, savoring the bitter aroma in my mouth. True to her word, Suz had helped me stick to the diet which strictly forbade any caffeinated drinks. And my daily coffee had been replaced with chicory coffee. Not bad but not the same. There was just something magical about an afternoon cup of coffee that lifted your spirit.
With a sigh, I took a sip of my peppermint tea, snuggling deeper into the oversized PSU hoodie. Killian's hoodie, to be precise. I wasn't sure if he knew I had kept it, but since he hadn't asked for it back. It was safe to assume he'd either forgotten about it or didn't care. Or maybe in his mind the cloth was discarded. In any case, I needed the comfort tonight.
To my great dismay, it seemed that the best way to combat social anxiety was to venture out and, well, interact with people. So, Suz had sent me on a sort of practice mission. Or perhaps she intended for me to mend another fractured relationship. After my "break-off" with Killian, I had unintentionally distanced myself from Cody as well.
A few minutes later, Cody walked in, clad in university attire, mirroring my own outfit. As soon as he spotted me in the back, he made his way over and took a seat across from me. I greeted him, attempting to conjure a smile, though it likely came across as more of a grimace.
"How have you been doing?" Cody asked, and I immediately felt guilty again.
Every time I picked up my phone to give him a call or reply to his messages, it felt as if someone had pulled a rope around my chest and yanked it. I knew I wouldn't be strong enough not to ask about Killian, and as soon as I went down that rabbit hole, it would be over. I was barely holding on as of now.
I bit my lip. "I've been better, I guess."
"Yeah, I can tell."
We lapsed into another silence. I cringed at the awkward atmosphere between us. This was also my fault. "I—I'm sorry, Co. I should've—"
"Stop it," Cody interrupted me. "You don't have to apologize. I get it."
"Oh. Okay."
"I mean with Killian being my roommate and all."
My ears perked up at the mention of Killian, and I straighted, fiddling with the cup of tea in front of me, a question burning in my throat.
"You can ask me about him, you know?"
I gulped. "I suppose Killian's doing okay?"
Cody chuckled dryly. "You mean the elder that's living with me? I suppose you could say he's okay, depending how you define okay."
My heart dropped. "Um... What?"
"It's like he's channeling his inner grumpy grandpa. You know, the kind who scowls at everyone and complains about the world going downhill. I half-expect him to start shaking his fist at passing clouds and muttering about 'the good old days'. Well, that or he's pushing himself so hard in his workouts that he's practically moving like an exhausted old-timer. Sometimes I poke him just to check if he's still alive."
I had no idea what to say to that. If the situation was any different, I would've laughed.
Cody was about to say something else when a group of guys spilled into the café. Jared was at the front, followed by some of the team. They saw Cody first, and I hunched my shoulders, keeping my head down as they all came up to greet him.
Jared acted like I was air. So much for being friends. Not that his behavior was that surprising. I'd seen it many times before, especially with guys.
"What was that about?" Cody asked, his gaze following Jared's back.
"Nothing."
"Tay, he was all over you even after you blew him off."
I blinked. "Well... I guess I'm not pretty enough anymore, right?"
Cody stared at me in disbelief. Then his eyes narrowed, and his gaze snapped up, narrowing onto the corner they'd chosen to sit at. "Is that what this is about? That you think you're not pretty enough or some shit like that."
My stomach knotted. "I mean—"
"Don't tell me he said something to you?" he asked in a low voice.
"No. He just said the usual."
"Like what?"
"Just...well, he just noticed it and dropped some...advice."
"Advice?" Cody ground out. "He offered advice? As if any of his advice would actually help."
"It's fine," I mumbled and finished my tea. "I'm used to it."
Cody's sharp voice made me freeze. "You're used to it?"
I shifted in my seat. "Um...yeah. It's not the first time... Anyway, it doesn't matter."
"Come on." Cody shot the group a disgusted look, snatched my bag, and ushered me out.
"Where are we going?"
"My car. I'll give you a ride, and the two of us will have a proper talk. In private."
Uh-oh. "Okay..."
I settled into the passenger seat and waited, but Cody didn't show any sign that he wanted to leave. He fiddled with the radio until some soft rock music filled the silence between us.
"Tay," he began in a careful note. "We're friends, right?"
My heart tightened. "Of course."
"Then how come I learned that you're dealing with a chronic illness from Suzy?"
"It's just a skin condition..."
He raked his hand over his short hair. "Just a skin condition? For mild cases, maybe. Tay...you shut yourself in for over a month for just a skin condition? You can barely sleep just for a skin condition?"
My eyes went wide. "Did you talk to Suz?"
"Of course, I talked to Suz!"
I could only gape. Cody never raised his voice.
"Do you know how worried I was? You wanted to end things with Kel, fine, but did you ever stop and think about how I would take this? Because it felt like you didn't want to see me anymore either."
I bit my lip, willing myself not to cry. He had a right to be angry. But how should I explain that I hadn't had the energy to do pretty much anything without it sounding like some lame excuse?
He sighed. "Still, I get it."
"What do you get?"
"I talked to Suz, didn't I? And from the way you talk, I can guess that you didn't have a lot of friends sticking with you through stuff like this. Doesn't mean I'm happy about it, but I understand. Okay? On that note...he wouldn't mind either. Trust me."
I sniffled. "How can I dump all this stuff on him right away? Killian doesn't know, but I know what it's like. It's not fair. And then he's already busy with his family stuff... I-I can't start a relationship like this. It's not healthy. It's not balanced..."
Cody's voice was gentle. "It's not fair for you either. I'm not saying I don't get your reasons. I'm just saying you can trust him with this. He won't care."
I sniffled some more.
"But, focus on yourself first for now. If he really likes you, he'll wait, alright? Don't stress yourself out over an idiot like him. He'll understand."
My eyes fell onto his arm, noticing the green stitched letter "C" adorning the sleeve of his hoodie, just like the letter "K" on mine. What had Killian said? They always mixed their clothes. Something broke away in my chest. A laugh bubbled up from within me, bursting forth like a dam breaking loose, followed by a fresh set of tears streaming down my cheeks.
"I-I don't—I just didn't want to drop all this on him," I managed to get out between sobs. "Because it's ugly."
"You're not ugly," Cody said sharply, handing me a tissue.
I pressed it against my eyes. I hated crying. "That's not what I meant. I—I can't sleep. I scratch myself all the time. Nothing really helps. And the worst part is, I don't feel like myself anymore. Not just on the outside. It's like I'm disappearing. I think about my skin all the time. The whole day. I—and it's not the first time this happened. I know what it's like. And I know how people get when you don't get better after a certain while... It's—" I broke off.
Cody patted my arm awkwardly. "Hey. It's okay. You'll get better."
"But—it just keeps coming back and—"
"We'll help you, alright? Fuck, I'm even going to watch that Asian stuff you guys like. What was it again?"
I let out a shaky laugh. "Korean drama?"
"Yeah. Whatever. I'll watch it, okay? You're not alone in this. We've got your back. Fuck those people. Fuck Jared. If he thinks you're only looks, he's fucking blind."
I blew my nose and gave him a watery smile. "Thank you, Cody."
"Anytime. And Tay?"
"Yes?"
"Next time, you'll call me, right? So I don't have to feel bad about snooping behind your back to grill Suz with some maniac breathing down my neck."
A strangled noise escaped my lips. "Some maniac breathing down your neck?"
Cody heaved a long sigh. "You know how he gets. Do you think just because you blew him off, he doesn't care?"
"No..."
"See? There's some sense left in you. But don't worry, I'll handle him. Focus on getting better for now."
"But...doesn't he hate me?" I asked in a small voice.
Cody laughed. "Hate you? That's hilarious. He couldn't hate you, Tay."
"He didn't like me at first," I said. "He only talked to me because he thought I was in the same situation as his sister."
"At the beginning, maybe," Cody shrugged. "In his defense, the first day you met him was the day he found out about what's been going on with her. I sorta expected him to pummel the next guy who even looked at him twice. But funny enough he suddenly asked about you.
"Because he overheard me arguing with Chris," I explained.
"Yeah, but he didn't know who was involved at that time," Cody said. "It was kind of hilarious, really, how much you bothered him out of nowhere. Trust me, he's not the type to waste his time on someone just because her boyfriend sucks."
Warmth spread through my chest. I squinted at him. "You're just saying that to make me feel better."
Cody lifted his brows. "Did you know it was Killian who realized you were nowhere to be found at the lake party and suggested we take two different ways back? And did you know that on Halloween he decided who took which wing? And that he took the most probably one?"
My heart skipped. "But that was basically just lucky a lucky guess, right?"
"He checked the map to see where it was most likely to get lost. Which building would be the most confusing, had the most side hallways."
"I don't really get why he would do that though."
"Because he cares." Cody sighed. "Tay, you are just so easy to have around. You have no idea. I knew we would get along from the first time I saw you."
I stared at my hands. "But Killian couldn't count on me, right? Not when it mattered."
"You can't beat yourself up over that. You were running on fumes. Nobody expects you to shoulder somebody else's problems when you're drowning in your own. And Tay, you do care, even though you have your own whole lot of problems. That's pretty rare by itself, and more importantly, it's enough. I'm not expecting you to carry my load. You'll listen when I need it. What more can I ask?"
"You're not just saying this because you have a crush on me, right?" I joked.
"A friend crush maybe. But don't worry... I—well, I actually have someone I like..."
He did? "What? Who?"
He cleared his throat. "I'm only telling you this so you're not the only one sharing tonight. But promise not to tell a soul. Especially not Killian. If you want me to live, that is."
"But I thought, you're the better fighter."
Cody pulled at his sweatshirt. "In a fair fight maybe but not when it comes to this. He'd play dirty for sure. Well... um... you know—"
I gasped. "Oh my God! You like his sister!"
Cody grimaced. "Well, it just happened. Kind of."
"That's awesome!"
He rubbed his neck. "I don't know about that. After all that went down, I don't think he would be too happy about this."
"What's not to be happy about? You're amazing. It's not like she would find anyone better."
Cody snorted. "It's cute that you think so."
"Well, it's the truth. Why would you think this wouldn't work?"
"Why would you think you guys wouldn't work?"
"Touché." We both grew quiet for a while until I finally asked, "But what if I don't make it? What if I just drown?"
"Of course, you'll make it," Cody said with conviction. "You'll learn how to stay above, and before you know it, you're swimming. Look around you. I mean, what would Suz even do without you?"
"Suz has Nick."
"You're underestimating yourself. Do you know why Suz hung out with Jessica's group? Because she felt lonely. And I haven't seen an inch of loneliness since she and you got close. And believe me, that's got nothing to do with Nick."
"You do realize I'm gonna have to tell her that you agreed to watch K-drama..."
We both laughed. After that Cody drove me back to Suz's. Now there was only one thing missing. How should I contact a certain grandpa?