It was Friday. We were done with our case, making the arrest this morning. On the ride back to the station, Tom was driving. I was looking out the window. The kid we arrested in the back seat. Tom was looking over at me. But we rode in silence, except for the radio.
Tom took the kid to his cell and got him booked. I was doing the paperwork at my desk.
Tom said, "Great job Officer." I said, "thanks you too."
Tom sat at his desk. I said, 'I'm done with the report" Tom nodded. He said, "you got a minute." I said, 'yes." Tom said, "I'll go take this to Adam, then meet you outside, so we are alone."
I panic. Great Tom is going to cancel on me for tomorrow. I won't have a date to the wedding. I will have to go alone or go with Jay and Allison. I really now can't even be my dad's date; I mean since he is in the ceremony. I feel sick. I knew something was up with Hanson. He has been so quiet all day today. When we rode to school to make the arrest it was not like usual. He didn't say a word, and the few times I looked at him and he looked at me he had a weird look on his face. I mean I couldn't read it.
I am trying to calm myself down. But I am having a mental image of how bad it's going to be tomorrow. I mean walking in alone or with Jay and Allison, everyone staring at me, I will look like a fool. And I can't wear that dress to the dance. I mean not even sure I will be able to wear it with Tom as my date. I'm not really comfortable showing that much skin.
I bent over and was saying, "just breathe Sydney. Breathe" I was trying to catch my breath.
Tom said, "hey are you ok. Are you sick?" I did not want to go off on him. I mean I have no right to do that. Because it's my fault, I mean I knew this would happen that he would cancel on me, and I still let him, and Judy talk me into him taking me. I should have followed my gut and told them no. I would have been better off. Because I love working with Tom, and I don't want to be mad at him.
I looked at Tom. Telling myself do not fall apart out here, just go in and get to the bathroom.
I said, "Tom I have to go to the restroom." But before I could finish that I started to cry. Dammit no tears please not in front of him.
Tom said, "Hey what's wrong? Why are you crying?" I said, "it's ok Tom. I'm going to try really hard to get past this. Besides it's my own fault not your fault."
Tom said, "What? Did I do something wrong? Did you want to do the booking and me do the paperwork" I said, "no I mean about you having to cancel. I'll be back." I started to go and opened the door. Tom was to the door before me and shut it.
He said, "what are you talking about me canceling. Canceling what? I said, "isn't that why you needed to talk to me alone. You can't take me tomorrow." Tom ran his hands through his hair.
Tom's view:
Dammit. She still doesn't trust me. I don't blame her, but it hurts. All I wanted to do was see how she was feeling, about tomorrow and if she wanted to take the rest of the day off, and go hang out, and then I could try and cheer her up with junk food, or going to the mall shopping, and then I thought I could just stay over at her house or her mine. Don't get mad Hanson. But I don't listen to myself. Before I know it, I'm snapping at her.
I said, "Wow that hurts Sydney. You still don't trust me. I told you I was sorry about the way I acted at the bar. I was upset that you ripped me in front of those men. My pride was hurt. I'm sorry that I forgot to pick you up, I still don't know how I could have done that. But I thought we had moved past that."
She said, "Tom we have." I said, "it doesn't look like it, because you still think the worst of me." She said, "Tom I don't." I said, "Really well it feels like it. I mean you just said that you thought I was going to cancel on you tomorrow. And said it was your fault for what trusting me, for believing in me. Dammit Sydney. That really hurts."
She is staring at me. Tears in her eyes. She said, "Tommy I" I said, "For your F---- information, I was just going to ask you if you wanted to take the rest of the day off, and maybe go do something. Anything that would cheer you up. Like I'd take you to the mall, or arcade, or to eat. And then I thought maybe I could stay at your place tonight or you at mine, so that we could get ready together. No not together, I just so that I wouldn't have to waste time picking you up."
She said, "Tommy I'm sorry." I said, "no I'm sorry. I don't blame you for not trusting me. I'm sorry for yelling at you." She said, "I'm sorry. I just thought that something was up with you this morning. I mean usually you talk to me, when we are in the car. This morning you were so quiet, and never said a word. Tommy I'm sorry. I panicked when you said you wanted to talk to me alone. I mean when we were alone in the car, you looked like you had something to tell me, but you didn't say anything."
I said, "I didn't because I thought maybe you were not wanting to talk. I mean Sydney I can't imagine what you are feeling right now. I mean even though you know you are better off, and this guy doesn't deserve you. Still, you loved him for 4 years. You were committed to him, and he picked the one girl who would hurt you the most to screw around with. I can't imagine having to go to the wedding of an ex and ex best friend. I wouldn't be able to do it Sydney. And the fact that it's not even been that long since you dumped him. I wanted to tell you I'm here for you, but I didn't know if you wanted to talk. I'm sorry."
I said, 'do you want to hang out today or" She said, "actually I can't. My brother was wanting to take me to lunch and he's treating me to a spa day. I thought I told you Adam already gave me the day off." I said, "oh ok, have a good day with your brother." She said, "Tommy after I'm done can I come over." I said, "of course. I'm going to work all day, but I'll head home as soon as you are ready to come over." She said, "Tommy I was I mean can I stay the night. On your couch I mean. I really don't want to be alone tonight. Jay said I could come stay with him, and my dad said that I could come home, but if it's ok with you." I said, "yes of course Sydney. You are welcome to stay at my place whenever you want. You don't need to ask, just tell me. She said, 'Thank you. Before I come over, I will head home and get my two dresses. And my makeup. Judy said that she will come over and help me with my makeup. Since I'm really dreading tomorrow and feel sick already."
Sydney's day:
I left work after apologizing once again to Tom. He said it was fine, and he said he was sorry he got upset. I feel terrible, that I thought he was going to cancel. If I'm being honest with myself, I think deep down I have been afraid that when this day came, Tom would cancel. I feel bad about that. I guess maybe he is right. I don't trust him. Not entirely. I mean I don't trust anyone easily with being betrayed, and having my friends not tell me and cover for them. It surprised me, but it was easy to trust Judy. She and I have really bonded and became great friends. It's easy to talk to her, maybe because she confided her worst trauma. to me and trusted me with it.
As far as Doug, Harry, Dennis, I get along well with them, and have fun hanging out with them. They are all sweet guys. Funny make me laugh. And working with them has been great. But since we are just coworkers and friends, I guess there isn't any need to really trust them. It's not like I confide my secrets to them.
Tom is a different story. Because I can't stop thinking he is so hot Even though I have tried to just think of Tom like I do the other 3 guys, I can't do it. Tom and I have only hung out the two times that I was all upset and crying over him. The rest of the time, it's just been in a group setting and when we are working cases. I've only been to his house the 2 previous times, and he has only been to my house the 1 time. After I went over to Tom's house that Friday night then he spent Saturday at the mall with us, and he spent the night, we haven't hung out since.
It's a good thing, because I need to find a way to stop the feelings, I'm feeling for him. But I guess I was also a little disappointed. I mean just because when I'm hanging out with Tom, I have a good time. He makes me laugh. And I thought maybe he would ask to come over or ask if I wanted to come over. He never did. And I am not going to just show up at his place.
Jay took me to lunch at this new Italian restaurant. Very fancy. Very expensive. Then I went for my spa day, it was the spa, a massage, and my hair and nails done at the salon.
I went home. Judy came by. To tell me she is here for me. She talked about how her day went with her case, and I told her all about my day from our case being closed, to me thinking Tom was canceling, to Jay and the spa. She hugged me and then said to call her if I needed her and she would see me tomorrow morning at Hanson's. To help me get ready. Tom called. He asked if I would rather, he just come over and pick me up, that way I would not have to drive my car to his house. I told him that works fine. I'm home now so anytime. Tom said he would leave work now.
Tom came and told me I looked beautiful. Asked if I felt more relaxed after the spa. I told him yes that this spa was so fancy and expensive that when I was having my massages, they gave me sangria wine. Tom said, "you are a little buzzed huh." He laughed. I had my dresses in their protective sacks. Tom said, "I'll take those and get them in my car." I gave them to him, then I got my overnight bag, that had my sweats and a tee shirt to sleep in, and my makeup. Then I locked the door and went to his car. He opened the passenger door for me, then went around.
My dad called asking how my spa day was and I told him fine, he wanted to know if I wanted to come have dinner and spend the night, I told him that I had made plans with my friend at work. To have dinner and stay at their house. He said, "Oh Judy that is so nice of her. I'm glad you have such a good friend." Judy has met my dad and Jay. I asked Judy if she wanted to go with me to my dad's for dinner a few weeks after I started. They got along great.
I told him yes. He said, "I love you honey. I know tomorrow is going to be so hard, if you are not ok with me" I said, "Daddy it's fine. I love you. I'll see you tomorrow."
Tom said, "Sydney you should have told him" I said, "Tom Jay and I argued over this today, please not you too."
I was thinking as Tom was driving. Why did I let my dad think it was Judy. I mean well I know why. If I would have told my dad I was with Tom, and staying at Tom's house, my dad would get the wrong idea. The wrong idea about me staying with him, I mean I'm on the couch, and I could explain that, but my dad is extra protective of me right now. I mean he was before Rob, but now I think that there is going to be a problem, if I ever did want to start dating.
I mean which I don't. So, I don't have to worry about it. But from things I have heard my dad say, and stuff Jay has said, if I were to date a guy, I would feel sorry for him. Because they are going to put him through torture. My dad and brother have both told me that I am not allowed to be dating a guy, without bringing him home to let them grill him. They told me that I need to bring him over, and then leave him with them.
It's a good thing I don't want to date. Not going to ever have a man. Risk being hurt again. LIke if I was wanting to date and found a man who wanted me, he'd bail the minute he found out he is going to have to face the inquisition of my dad and my brother. Jay is not threatening to look at, but he and my dad are both great attorney's and are intimidating and know important people. I mean they both could ruin someone if they wanted to. I would not want to make any guy jump through hoops with them.
We got to Tom's. He came around and got the passenger door for me. He always insists on doing that. Which to me is sweet. Rob was never like that. I mean I got my own door, and when we went places, he didn't hold the door open for me. It was whoever got to the door first. Tom is not like that. Tom holds the door no matter where we go and lets me go in first.
Tom said, "Sydney let me get your bag." He carried my overnight bag, and my dresses. I said, "Tommy I promise I'm not moving in. I mean I know my bag is really heavy. I just needed a lot of stuff just for the night and morning." Tom laughed. He said, "yeah I'm like what all you got in here." I laughed. He said, "you can move in if you want, but I'm sure you would not want to, considering how beautiful your house is."
Tom told me to sit down. He said he would hang my dresses up in the closet. He left to go to the bedroom. I was already feeling sleepy, but sitting on his couch, now I'm like finding it hard to stay awake. I laid my head back.
Tom's view:
I came out of the bedroom. I said, "Hey Sydney I can order food to be delivered, you want Chinese or pizza or if you'd rather just sandwiches." No answer. I look and she is sound asleep. She must be exhausted. Or it's the alcohol. She's beautiful when she is asleep. She looks like an angel. But I'm sure that has to be uncomfortable. I mean sleeping sitting up.
I go over to her, and gently lift her legs, and position her so she is lying down. She is deep in sleep; she didn't even wake up. I get a pillow and then put her head on it and cover her up with a blanket. I sit across the room and watch her sleep.
Sydney's view:
I wake up. Tom is in the kitchen. I look at the clock. It says it is 8 pm. Can that be right. I said, "Hey Hanson I'm so sorry." Tom said, "hey you had a really nice nap" I said, "yes I did. Wow. Is it really 8 pm" Tom said, "yes, it is." I said, "I'm sorry." Tom said, "Don't worry about it. You needed the sleep." I said, "I'm still really tired." Tom said, "Judy called to check on you. "Tom said, "do you want anything to eat, I could order delivery or make you a sandwich" I said, "Delivery is fine." Tom ordered Chinese. I called Judy. We ate and talked awhile. I asked Tom if I could use his bathroom to take a bath. He said of course.
I took a hot bath, then got in my sweats and tee shirt and came back to the couch. Tom said, "I'll let you go to sleep. You look tired. I'll see you in the morning" I said, "Hanson" He said, "yeah" I said, "Thank you for letting me stay and for taking me. I'm sorry about earlier today" He said, "Don't worry about it and you're welcome. Any time Sydney."
I watched Tom walk to the bedroom. I still feel really awkward around Tom at times. I mean I think it's because I think he'd be horrified if he knew how hot I think he is. I mean we are friends and coworkers only. But sometimes, like just now, I was wishing I could give him a hug. My mind flashes back to the only two times that I have been in his arms, that I have hugged him. Both times I was a crying mess. It feels good to be in his arms. He makes me feel safe. Makes my problems not seem that bad. I wanted to hug him to thank him for letting me come over and stay the night. But instead, I stared at him and told him night and watched him walk away.
It is just awkward also with him, because sometimes he is so quiet. Like this morning in the car. Like I look at him driving and it's like he's lost in thought and doesn't even know I'm looking at him. I wonder what he's lost in thought about. I mean he never volunteers personal information really. I mean so unlike me, who he knows my whole pitiful story. I can see sometimes deep pain in his eyes. I am assuming about his dad. I don't even know what happened, how his dad died. Judy knows I'm sure, but I would never ask her. She wouldn't tell me and it's not my business. Tom says I don't trust him, and he's right I guess, but he doesn't trust me either. Not really. I mean not like he trusts Judy. I hope in time, that as we continue to be partners and work cases, he knows that he can trust me, that I would never betray his trust. I will keep his secrets. I guess it bothers me a little that he doesn't trust me, because I have told him my stuff, and I guess I feel vulnerable. I mean I do not want the guys to know any of this stuff with Rob. I am so humiliated and feel so stupid that I didn't see any red flag.
I mean after I found out, I recognized all the red flags and signs I missed. Like getting off work and coming home and my cousin at my house with Rob there in just his shorts, no shirt, out of breath, and he would say that he just finished a tough work out. I believed him. Yeah, the tough work out was sex. Or like when we would have her and her boyfriend over, and she was dating a doctor, so he would have to sometimes leave to go to the hospital, and Rob would insist on driving her home, rather than her taking a cab, and he would be gone. He always had an excuse. He stopped off to have a drink with a buddy. He was going to head to the gym he preferred the gym late nights, not as crowded. I could call him on his cell if I needed him, and he'd tell me if he doesn't answer I can call the gym front desk. They would come up and get him. I mean of course the guy at the front desk would cover for Rob. They were friends. Anyway I just don't want one more person to know how stupid I was, Judy and Tom are the only ones who know. I want to keep it that way. I trust he won't tell, it's just he keeps his secrets to himself, but I tell him everything.
Well, I'm not ready for tomorrow, but I guess tomorrow will be here soon.