Bailey
Thankfully the rehearsal was informal, I was so tired I don't think I could apply makeup. Not having a chance to sleep after waking up at the hotel this morning my body was slowly shutting down, I needed to eat and sleep soon.
Between set up and the rehearsal I had a second to shower. I no longer felt like a Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I smelled like straight alcohol and sweat this morning, it was probably the most disgusting I've felt and looked in ages. But as soon as I walked in the door Cheri put me to work, and there are few times you say no to that woman, this morning not being one of them.
Following my shower, I forewent makeup with the sole purpose of knowing I'll fall asleep with it on if I did apply it, and two nights of sleeping in
makeup would leave my skin looking like shit tomorrow. I tossed on a pair of Jean shorts and a Stanford crew neck. I just about collapsed on one of the chairs we had set up in the backyard waiting for everyone else to arrive.
"Are you okay Bailey?" Spence sits beside me, he'd had a rough morning himself. Though it wasn't without a small victory, him and Brett's youngest sister hit it off very well last night.
"Yeah just hungover and tired," I offer a lazy grin, "How are you feeling?"
"Pretty good," he smiles, patting his shoulder, "You can rest your head and close your eyes for a few minutes if you want, I'll wake you when everyone else gets here,"
"Aw Spence you hate when people touch you," it was a sensitivity thing for him, he wasn't a very physically affectionate person if at all.
"I know but you can," the sweetheart pats his shoulder and I can't help but smile as I curl up against his side. I haven't had a lot of chances to hangout with him too much since coming here, having constantly been running around or out with our entire group, I kinda miss my nights where it was just him Danny and I curled up on our apartments couch watching trashy tv.
It doesn't feel like my eyes were closed that long, but I did end up falling asleep, only to be woken by Spencer softly nudging me awake. He wasn't always like this, having been a very straightforward awkward guy, he'd really come out of his shell since I've known him. I loved the kid to death.
"We're going to start," Tyler stood at the front of the aisle taking direction from the wedding planner that had arrived. Ironically, he was the one officiating for the two, having been ordained on a whim, the grooms thought it would be hilarious.
The wedding planner was instructing everyone on the way we should walk and the order in which we will. Caleb and I were the last two before Brett and his oldest sister and then Ace and Cheri. He wanted to give her that honor since my dad had me to walk down the aisle. There were no complaints from my dad.
"Okay let's do a run through quickly and adjust from there" I force myself to stand and join Caleb behind everyone else at the back of the yard, hidden behind fake walls of Ivy vines that had been set up earlier today.
It was crazy the transformation my childhood backyard had gone through in just a day. Obviously the small things like table placements and other decorations would wait until the day of, but the bigger things like the light arches and the chair set up along with the tables, chairs and dance floor over the pool were all things that needed to be put up today
"You look like your going to collapse," Caleb snorts as he sees me approach.
"I'm beyond tired right now, I chose taking a shower over napping," I grunt standing beside him
"Hmm so that's why that smell is gone," He grins
"You telling me I smelled bad Kazer?"
"Like stale tequila Belles," he nudges my side, signally for me to move up
"Shut up, not like you were smelling like peaches and roses dickhead," he just laughs at that, quietly so only I heard.
"It's so easy to push your buttons when you're tired,"
"I will walk down this aisle without you," at that he placed his hand over his heart in mock hurt.
"You would never," in fake dramatic offense.
I just grin and roll my eyes. Turning my attention from the man beside me to everyone walking ahead of us. As I peak around the corner of the wall beside us, I watch as Tyler high fives Wes as he stops at the altar-like setting we'd constructed alongside one of Brett's sisters.
It wasn't until we were about to walk that he offers his arm, and I link mine through his. Knowing Liv had come, sitting in of the crowd chairs I tried to focus solely on Caleb and the walk to the front, not wanting to give her any more reason to not like me.
"I like this song," he chimes. It was the instrumental version of a Cleopatra by the Lumineers. Though the song may not have been very wedding, the music was perfect. Upbeat and pretty despite its lyrics.
Those were the best songs honestly, when the music itself was upbeat and made you want to jump around and dance yet the lyrics made you want to do nothing but cry.
"The Lumineers?"
"They're good as hell,"
"I know that I didn't know you knew that,"
"So would it surprise you if I said I loved Rainbow Kitten Surprise and Caamp?"
My eyes widen as I look at him. I never would have guessed it, knowing his music taste was strictly oldies, country and early hip hop R&B, the folksy indie bands were not on his repertoire of music.
"Eyes ahead Bailey Belle," he nudged my side with his elbow. "I've widened my music range," he snorts
"If you like them, you gotta listen to Noah Kahan, he's amazing," he just nods as we reach the end. Whispering a quick 'I will' before we went our opposite ways across from each other.
Technically after us it was Ben and Danielle's turn to go, however they were both still napping, the lucky assholes, so we just skipped over their part and hoped for the best tomorrow. Leaving only the grooms to follow.
Both were beaming as they walked with their escorts, like it was the real thing you couldn't wipe the smiles off their faces if you tried.
Hell even Tyler was practically buzzing in his place. There wasn't a single person here who was less than overjoyed for the two. Aside from Arrex and Em, they were the two that lasted and always will. They were the lucky ones who stayed together through everything and I couldn't think of anyone more deserving than them.
The rest rehearsal was flawless. Aside from Tyler being yelled at for making jokes by the young planner who I was seventy percent sure he was in love with. Thankfully we didn't have to read any speeches considering I haven't written mine yet. I'm a procrastinator what can I say.
"Okay guys can we get some food?"
"Are you guys hungry?" Walking out of the house to the backyard, everyone had been working almost all day to finish setting the backyard up for the wedding. Despite the wedding being tomorrow, everyone except the grooms of course, weren't stressing too much.
"Yes," the guys all groan as they sit down around the backyard that now doesn't even look like my backyard.
It was cool to see the transformations we've put together, it'll look even better when the florist and the planner comes the day of.
"What do you guys want?" I question
"Fried chicken," Ty grins "with extra ranch and hot sauce,"
"Shit yeah chicken does sound really good right now," Wes sets down whatever tool he had in his hands "Y'all want chicken?"
A chorus of yes's are heard from around the yard everyone in agreement.
"Belle grab my card out of my wallet," Ace chimes. He was exhausted, having been working all day and not completely over his hangover im sure he was just about to pass out. It was his only saving grace during our argument this morning that I had to keep reminding myself of.
"Dude it's your wedding week, I can cover it," Caleb shakes his head as he takes his wallet out
"Caleb I'm paying," Ace refutes, pushing his hand away from me to replace it with his own debit card.
"But-"
"Both of you shut up, I got it," I roll my eyes at them both "Just text me what sides and sauces you guys want I'll get five big boxes of chicken chunks from Chicken n Shake oh and drinks too,"
"Do you need help carrying it all?" Caleb questions
"Oh yeah probably," I nod, I may have many talents but carrying all of that is not one of them.
"Seb, go with your aunt," Zach orders his oldest, it was nice they came to hangout. Well granted they had to be here for the rehearsal but they stayed long after.
"Wait no I need him to help me with something really quick," Ace says
"I'll go with," Liv volunteers, smiling "If thats alright,"
"Yeah perfect," I offer a smile
"Babe take my truck you'll have more room for everything," Caleb tosses her his keys before we start our walk out. She goes over to give him a kiss and I force myself to look away. Regardless of how I feel about him, it's not my place to interfere. Friends, it's all we'll ever be.
"Text me anything else you guys want!" I call out as Liv joins me once again following a quick conversation with Caleb. And the two of us walk across the street, surprisingly in comfortable silence.
"You know where this place is?"
"Yeah it's not super far, we'd usually get stuff from here as kids, it was either that or Kane's,"
"So you really never left here for seventeen years?"
"We'll I spent a year in Chicago when I was sixteen for this advanced academic thing," I smile remembering my year, even more-so how excited I was to come home. "But yes I didn't leave this town until I went to school,"
"Wow that's crazy, I couldn't imagine,"
"It wasn't that bad honestly. It got a little repetitive but all of us were together and we always figure out different things to do or shit to get into," I shrugged
"I bet you all caused chaos," she snorts
"Just a bit," I match her grin. We caused our fare share of problems I'll give her that,
"This is your first time being back too right?"
"Yeah I haven't stepped foot in Texas since I left," Praying she doesn't ask why I look back out the window,
"Caleb too. I mean he's been back to the state but never here, I don't blame him though or you," my heart drops at the thought of her knowing. I mean she's his fiancé it would make sense for him to tell her about Jordan but at the same time that's one of the most sensitive moments of our lives, based on how long it's taken to tell her, I'd guess he hated talking about it just as much as I did.
"How so?"
"Small towns aren't my thing," she grins, "I'm a city girl through and through," oh, she doesn't know. Okay.
"Where did you grow up in the city?"
"Technically I grew up in the north suburbs, but was always working downtown then moved downtown as soon as I graduated from school," She explains
"That's awesome, Chicago is probably my favorite city,"
"Really?"
"Oh yeah it's beautiful, plus the sports are nice I've been a Cubs and Bears fan since I was little," I smile. I haven't been to a game since my Senior year, but I never missed one on TV.
"Really? A Cubs fan?" She snorts, "Im a Sox fan through and through, though I never go to the southside,"
"Really why?"
"Not the best area, very poor and a lot of crime," She says casually "Caleb always wants to do work there with kids in the neighborhood but he doesn't get that it's not safe there," I nod, not really understanding her point. Yes it's unsafe, but someone like Caleb could and without a doubt would make a huge difference in those kids lives.
I just continue looking out the window, until I realize exactly where we were, feeling the walls close in almost instantly. No, I cant go this way.
"Wait Liv-" I try to interrupt her but she just continued talking, not realizing the road she was turning onto.
"He just doesn't get it, I-"
"Liv I don't mean to interrupt but we need to turn around,"
"What? Why?"
"We need to take a different road," I was feeling the throat close up. We were getting close.
"But the maps say this is the fastest way," she gesture to her phone where she'd pulled to direction to the place.
"I don't care if it is the fastest way, I cannot be on thsi road Liv," I state maybe a little too harshly, the anxiety rising in my chest taking away any softness to my words. It was dark, just before full sundown.
"It creepy but it's the fastest way, it's fine," she shakes her head.
My eyes start to well up with tears and I feel like I'm going to puke.
No. No I'm actually going to puke.
"You need to pull over right now," I manage to choke out as I struggled to fill my lungs with air. Fuck. This hasn't happened in so long.
"Bailey."
"Now Olivia I need to throw up,"
She does so immediately after that'd sparing me jsut enough time to fall out of Calebs truck and puke on the side of the road. After Emptying everything sitting in my stomach, my legs give out on me as I fall to the ground.
"Shit Bailey, are you okay?"
"No," I shake my head as my chest heaves, tears stream from my eyes. "Call Beck."
I don't hear anything else, my head was between my knees as I struggled to stop my body from shaking. I could normally handle my anxiety attacks by myself but it's been so long since I've had one to this degree.
We were ten feet away from the exact spot.
"Caleb? Caleb? Fuck he hung up," she was frantic but I didn't fucking care at this point.
I told her not to turn down this road.
I don't know how long I sat there, but I felt my vision going blurry as I stared at the ground. I was frozen, my eyes were open but I couldn't hear and I sure as hell couldn't move.
I wasn't conscious of my breathing, or if I was breathing at all. I don't even know how long I'd been sitting there, live speaking softly trying to calm me but nothing actually working. I could t do anything.
"Olivia what the fuck?" I heard him before I saw him "I told you not to go down this road,"
"I didn't think it was a big deal!"
"It's a huge fucking deal Liv!" He yells at her "Take my truck and go back to my house. Please."
"I'm not leaving," I watch her stomp her foot like a child as she looks at him. "I didn't think it was a big deal I thought you were being dramatic Caleb!"
"Go back to my house." He states, with fury in his voice.
"Why are you so mad on her behalf? Fuck Caleb I told you to send Beck,"
"I'm not going to let her sit here and deal with this shit without me."
"Why you? Huh?" I knew what she was insinuating.
"Becuase I'm the only one that watched our best friend die in her fucking arms ten feet away from where we are standing right now! That's why. Get my truck back to my house. I will talk to you when I don't feel like im about to scream at you."
It was quiet, the only noise heard was a car door slamming and a car driving away.
"You shouldn't be here," he hated being here as much as I did.
"Neither should you," he crouches down beside me.
"She didn't know," I try to defend her
"I practically begged her not to drive down this road with you in the car. She should've listened," he states, "Let's go home Belle,"
I feel like I can't move, frozen in place.
"I- I just, I just need to sit here for a second," my breathing leveled out but I was still crying. I needed this though.
Without another word Caleb sits in front of me, grabbing my shaking hand and enclosing then within his. Telling me he's here without actually verbalizing it.
He's here.
"I'm sorry,"
"Why are you apologizing?"
"I don't know," I pull a hand from his to wipe my eyes. The year just keep coming. He died right there. "I haven't don't this in a while,"
"Do you need anything?"
"No I just need to sit," I tell him, I'll be exhausted later. The mental drain gets to be too much and I just sleep for hours after normally. "Unless you want to leave, shit, we can leave let's go,"
"No, no, Belle it's okay," his voice is calm and soft, as he gently urges me back into my sitting position. "You need to sit, so that is what we will do okay?"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes Belle," he grins, "Whatever you need," I just nod.
"He should be here," I force myself to talk. Talking to him will keep me grounded.
"He should," he managed to choke pout. His voice was strained almost, "He would have had the best time, even last night he would have been in his glory,"
"Imagine the attention he'd be getting, even with you around," Caleb just snorts at that.
"I know," his voice shakes, I realize that he needs me just as much as I need him right now. "He loved you Belle, I hope you know that,"
"I know," I nod, he loved me so much. "Before he-he went, he told me to keep smiling but it feels like I barley have the last few years,"
"That's a fucking crime,"
"What? To not smile?"
"Yeah, for you and everyone around you bails. A world without your smile in it isn't one I want to apart of," He says flat out, finally tearing his eyes away from our joined hands to look at me.
I don't know how to respond so I don't. I couldn't.
"I used to think he was in love with you," He starts again at the silence, "I would get jealous as hell for a little while there, that he was the one always with you and he was the one making you smile. He was my best friend but drove me fucking insane. I would give anything to have that back,"
"You got jealous of your best friend?" I look at him, forcing myself to not look behind him on the clean road.
"I got jealous of anyone who could make you laugh the way I could,"
"You know no one else could do that," I tell him quietly. He was special like that, granted he could bring that side out in anyone, it was just who he was. But I loved that part of me, the way I felt when I was with him, I've never felt more free despite being committed to one person. That's how things should be in a relationship.
"Yeah," the corners of his lips lift quickly, and I just looked at him. Really looked at him. He was older, he'd lost the little baby fat he had, his face full of sharp edges yet his eyes remained soft like they always had been.
I loved him. I never stopped.
He was my one. And he can never know it.
"I'm sorry Caleb,"
"Stop saying those words,"
"No I am," I state, "I should have been here, with you. I left you at the worst moment of your life, it wasn't fair to you,"
"None of it was fair Belle."
"It wasn't, but things could have gone so differently. You would be better, you'd be happy and we-" I stop myself from finishing that sentence. I couldn't. We'd be together, maybe even engaged by this point, we'd have a life together, the house, the promise of kids, all of it. Just like we talked about.
"We'd what?"
"We'd be okay."
"We are okay," But he knew what I meant. "I wanted it too,"
"At least we had that," the short little time, those few months that felt like a promise of a forever with him.
"I wish things were different," He says
"Me too," I nod, feeling the strain in my chest loosen. "You helped me more than you know,"
He is the one who gave me the strength to leave that night. Finally having enough of being someone punching bag, especially after finding out about the biggest heartbreak of my life. I knew I deserved better, I knew he'd be shattered to see me so battered and bruised, a shell of the person he loved. The thought of his is what kept me going and forced me to leave Vince.
"That's all I've wanted Belle," to help me. Be there for me, and I wouldn't let him.
"I know,"
"You have too," He admits, "For the longest time, just the thought of you was what kept me going,"
Taking a few deeps breaths in, I'm able to start calming down, taking myself away from that night to this moment, just him and I.
I go to pull my hand away, just for a second to wipe my eyes but he doesn't let go, instead pulling me to him until I'm wrapped up in his arms completely surrounded by him and only him. Pushing the hair out of my face gently like he though I'd break, we hold each other right there, sitting in the side of this fucking road that scarred us immeasurably.
"I need you in my life Belle," I needed him.
"I will always be here," I don't care how much it hurt me to see him with another woman. He could have a rotating door of fifty and I wouldn't leave even if it fucking destroyed me. I want to right the wrongs I've made, nothing will prevent me from being in his life.
It finally feels like I'm getting my best friend back, only this time that is all we will ever be. And I think we can accept that.
We have to.