A/N: sorry it took me so long to post. I've been working on updating 5 different stories at once as well as world building for a new crossover fic I'm planning on writing and 2 other fics I haven't posted yet... I'm doing all of this on top of working almost full time as well so needless to say it's been a bit hectic... anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter! Let me know what you think about the ships and feel free to suggest new ones. The only one I'm really heavily locked in on are ofc saiouma. The one I'm most flexible on is Kaede x Miu... so yeah, without further ado I present to you the next chapter 💜💙💜💙💜
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Shuichi POV:
"Oh Shuuuumaiii!"
A sickeningly sweet voice calls my name from the other side of the door.
"Shumai! Come play with me! I'm soooooooooo bored."
I feel my heart skip a beat as heat rushes to my face. Why me? Of all the people he could choose to flirt with, why did he have to choose me?
"SaiharaChan, it's not nice to keep people waiting y'know, nishishi~"
I feel a thousand butterflies fluttering in my stomach. Where's Gonta when you need him?
" I know you're in there~ I can see your shadow under the door frame~"
Ugh there's really no getting out of this is there? I give an exasperated sigh as I slam the door open only to be met by a sickening thud.
"Owwww! Shumai that hurt."
I see ķ̶͍̳̱̃̏̅̔̈́͞ỏ̵̧̞̰͔̫̈́͞k҈̨̲͙̩̖̈̎̍͞į̵̪̪͔̍̀͆̕ć̸̨̤͇͉̈̈́͞h̵̢̯̗̰͊̋̎̍͝i҈̨̜͇͇͖̄̽̅͐͠ curled up on the floor holding his head in his hands, refusing to show me his face.
"K̴̨͖͈̗҇̀̑͛o҈̧̪̲͎̐̌͝ͅ-҉̠͍̬̗̂̈͐͢͡ K҉̧̫͙͕̣҇͐̌͛ȍ̴̧͉̲̓̏̃͝k҉͍͇͔̞͉҇͛͒̚͢ȉ̴̧̱͙́͠c҉̳͙͇̞̫̊͛̒̅͢͞h҉̰̦̌͋͌̎̀͢͠i̶̧̯̟̣̜̇̽͂͞! Are you alright?!"
He might have been obnoxious but I never meant to hurt him. The butterflies turn to knots as I watch him stumble to his feet, swaying slightly before turning to me with a mischievous grin, accidentally revealing the large gash on his forehead. Blood oozed out like molasses at first, then flowed faster, picking up steam as it streamed across his face. I watch the moment of realization where he recognizes what he's done. Without hesitation, he steals my hat and runs through the halls.
"Let's play tag, Saiharachan!~" he calls while rounding the corner and disappearing from sight. I stood there in shock for a few seconds before sprinting after him. If Kirumi were still here she would have taken care of him, but she's dead and if I don't help him no one will.
"K̴̨͖͈̗҇̀̑͛o҈̧̪̲͎̐̌͝ͅk҉͍͇͔̞͉҇͛͒̚͢ȉ̴̧̱͙́͠c҉̳͙͇̞̫̊͛̒̅͢͞h҉̰̦̌͋͌̎̀͢͠i̶̧̯̟̣̜̇̽͂͞!Wait! WAIT!"
I lose track of him for a bit, but the drops of blood betray him and I eventually find him gasping for air in the garden, steadying himself on the edge of the fountain, drops of bright magenta blood staining the water a sickly cotton candy pink.
"K̴̩͍̥̑͌̾͆͜͞Ơ̴̧̗̳̭̊̇̓̇͛Ķ̵̤̣̰̜҇̒̊͆I҉̨͇͔͈̱̅̓͊͝C҈̡͇̙͖̗̅̒̿̐͠H҉̨͙̦͔̞͇̋̽͛́̕I̴̧͚̮̝̤̤͒͒̍͆̄̕!"
I rush to his side and hastily inspect the wound. It's not that deep, but the location makes it a tricky spot to heal and the width of it makes blood loss more of a problem than the blow itself.
"Heh, You caught me.."
His breath was shaky and his face was pale. He hadn't lost that much blood yet, but it was clear that the minor concussion the blow so graciously gifted him clearly wasn't helping the situation. My gaze softens as I take in his condition. He looks like he could faint at any second. He could probably walk a few steps but I don't want to risk having him walk all the way to the nurse's office...
"K҉̧̫͙͕̣҇͐̌͛ȍ̴̧͉̲̓̏̃͝k҉͍͇͔̞͉҇͛͒̚͢ȉ̴̧̱͙́͠c҉̳͙͇̞̫̊͛̒̅͢͞h҉̰̦̌͋͌̎̀͢͠i̶̧̯̟̣̜̇̽͂͞, is it ok if I help you?"
"And what makes you think an ultimate supreme leader such as myself would ever need help?"
"I know you could do it yourself, but I want to help you. An ultimate supreme leader like you shouldn't have to clean those wounds all alone."
I felt rather clever coming up with that one. I never know how to go about talking to him, but there's a part of me that likes that. He's unpredictable, a rollercoaster of emotions and lies. He's exhilarating, he makes me feel alive and I'm addicted to that rush.
I gently pick him up, cradling him in my arms and carrying him to the nurse's office.
"Shumai, I'm so dizzy. Ughhh I think I'm gonna be sick"
"Hang in there, K҉̧̫͙͕̣҇͐̌͛ȍ̴̧͉̲̓̏̃͝k҉͍͇͔̞͉҇͛͒̚͢ȉ̴̧̱͙́͠c҉̳͙͇̞̫̊͛̒̅͢͞h҉̰̦̌͋͌̎̀͢͠i̶̧̯̟̣̜̇̽͂͞, we're almost there."
"Why does the ceiling look fuzzy? Wait, Saiharachan look at all the pretty dots! They're like little orbs of rainbows and they're squiggling around like little fishies nishishi~"
Ok now I'm concerned, either the concussion is more severe than I thought or he's lost a little too much blood.
My thoughts are interrupted by the most adorable yawn I've ever seen.
"Shumai, I'm tired, can't we just cuddle so I can take a nap"
I flinch in shock and embarrassment at the suggestion.
"K̴̨͖͈̗҇̀̑͛o҈̧̪̲͎̐̌͝ͅ-҉̠͍̬̗̂̈͐͢͡ K҉̧̫͙͕̣҇͐̌͛ȍ̴̧͉̲̓̏̃͝k҉͍͇͔̞͉҇͛͒̚͢ȉ̴̧̱͙́͠c҉̳͙͇̞̫̊͛̒̅͢͞h҉̰̦̌͋͌̎̀͢͠i̶̧̯̟̣̜̇̽͂͞!!"
"What.. I'm tired, just put me down and let me use you as a pillow so I can sleep peasant"
With that explanation I breathe a sigh of relief. He's not thinking clearly and he's sleepy so of course he wants a pillow or something so he can sleep. He feels pretty cold too, so the heat radiating from my body must feel pretty nice.. he doesn't mean it romantically of course! Why would he? He's not gay... right? Or at the very least he clearly doesn't like me like that.... Probably.... Maybe.... Hopefully.
I repeat the words in my head but deep down I know it's a lie. I'm enjoying this just as much as he is. He feels light and soft in my arms. The way he's wrapped himself around me while I carry him is comforting. Everytime we touch I can't help but feel like this is how it was meant to be. He just feels so right. I was never one to believe in soulmates, but the feeling I get when I'm near him makes me wonder if I was wrong.
" I love you shumai~"
This time I actually dropped him. I don't mean to, I just panic and immediately let go, but he has the reflexes of a cat in its 9th life. He lands on his feet wobbling from side to side trying to keep his balance. He looks at me in betrayal then realizes where he is and what he said. He turns around and tries to run but I catch his wrist just in time, staring at him quizzically as he hisses in pain and tries to pry my hand off of him, but he's not getting away that easy.
"Owwww! OWWWW! Fuck! Shuichi! Please, you're hurting me!"
I pull away in shock and horror and watch as small pink dots stain the concrete and a small white figure vanishes from sight......
"I love you too, Kokichi"
.
.
.
The world around me shifts to black and refocuses on a dark industrial room. There's a hydraulic press and small frail figure lying underneath it, waiting to be crushed by the thick metal slab. Each second blurs into the next and I come back into focus on a stark white face with tragically beautiful glazed over purple eyes, devoid of all life. Teardrops mix with vibrant blood making lines down his emaciated frame.
He was so small, so frail, so cold.
He was gone, dead, with nothing left but a fragmented memory to haunt me in my sleep.
He died and it's all my fault.
I did this to him.
I failed him.
........
......
....
..
.
I wake up to the same blank room and familiarly soft streams of light trickling through the melancholic window that looked out on the empty courtyard.
Another night, another confusing dream. Not quite a nightmare, but distressing nonetheless. Everytime I have one like that I find myself desperately clinging to anything I can hold onto. I never know if they're memories or my cruel imagination taunting me. Is this fantasy or reality?
The truth, or just another lie?
What do I do with these flashes of a past I don't remember, of a love I can't quite place?
How do I learn to cope with a sorrow I can't understand, one that burrows itself so deep within me that I swear it fuses with my bones leaving me in a hopeless world of despair?
If I knew the reason behind these feelings it could be easier to face them. For now I'm just stuck with the phantom pains from this "phantom thief" of hearts (a reference to yet another dream I've been having).
I want to remember.
I want to know who he is, who we were to each other. I feel like I've lost a part of myself, like a cat that lost it's tail but forgot it even had one to begin with. Something is clearly wrong, there's a part of my being that's been stolen from me, but I don't know what or where. I spend my days in the fog, the blur between fantasy and reality, desperately chasing the truth to a mystery I can't even recognize. I'm completely lost in the dark and it's equal parts frustrating and terrifying.
No one seems to understand that. They can't seem to grasp the concept that losing these memories has hurt me in a way I've never experienced before. It cut deep, deeper than I'd like to admit, but at least I know I have a wound. The others deny it all while I slowly bleed out, begging for someone, anyone, to come save me.
I'm dying, but even still everyone seems to agree that it's better this way. They've formed an unspoken pact to avoid giving me any information about kokichi. Surely the memory of him can't hurt that bad? When I dream of him I find myself happier than ever, even when one of us is hurt, just being with him makes everything seem better. The world without him is immediately colder and almost feels dead, as though life itself orbited around that mischievous grin.
I have few memories but the feelings remain. That's the cruelest part, the pain without the love. I get all the hurt and none of the love I sacrificed for.
It's so lonely here without him. I don't even know him, but I recognize that much. The others try to avoid me now that I've started asking questions, the refuse to answer so they just turn and run. Rantaro and Keebo are the only ones willing to talk about him, but even they refuse to share much. I can tell it hurts Keebo to talk about kokichi like this. Each meeting reopens an old wound, making it impossible for him to move on with his life. At a certain point Rantaro always steps in and ushers me away before going back to his boyfriend to calm him down. I feel awful every time it happens. I swear I mean no harm, I just seem to have a knack for asking the worst possible questions... How was I supposed to know that the start of their friendship was a traumatic experience? I just wanted to know more about what he was like.... Watching Rantaro and Keebo together is like salt in an invisible wound. It's a special type of loneliness, less of the forever-alone type of sadness and more of the loved-and-lost kind.
They talk about me like I'm someone else. They talk about past me like a memory, and I suppose that's not too far from the truth.
The weight of my uncertainty bears down on me, seeping into every crevice of my being. There's a gaping hole in my heart, a void that can only be filled with memories I can't access. I spend my days adrift in a sea of forgotten moments, surrounded by people who speak of a version of me I don't recognize.
The others, they treat me like an outsider. Their voices grow hushed when I enter a room, as if the mere mention of the past is forbidden in my presence. Pity lingers in their gaze, as if they believe I'm fragile, incapable of handling the truth. I catch glimpses of their conversations when they think I'm out of earshot, their words laced with sympathy and doubt.
They're walking on eggshells around me. Their voices grow hushed as they see me enter a room. It's like talking about it is off limits around me. All I get is pity. Sometimes I'll catch them talking when they think I can't hear.
Today they're in the cafeteria hospital's cafeteria. The doors are closed and I can make out the words as I approach them but the voices are still unclear.
"Poor Shuichi, he looks so sad without kokichi here"
Even though I can't really make out who said it, the pity in their voice is infuriating. Everyone treats me like a child, a stupid little kid that can't handle the truth. I'm so sick of their pity. It's unproductive and is actively hindering my ability to properly investigate since I'm constantly being monitored by them.
"Do you really think he forgot?"
Yet another voice I can't quite place. This one hurt more than it should have. The suggestion I could be lying to avoid talking about it when I'm trying so hard to find the truth is insulting. Everyday I straddle the line between being annoyed by the ones that pity me, and the ones that doubt me. The doubt is honestly a bit refreshing, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. The ones that do both make my blood boil.
As I inch closer to the closed door I hear a familiar booming voice that could only belong to the ultimate astronaut, Kaito Momota, luminary of the stars.
"What do you mean? Of course he forgot, my sidekick wouldn't lie about something like that."
"It's honestly for the best"
The chilling monotone cadence of her speech gives her away in an instant. It's Maki.. which honestly makes too much sense.
"Nyeh, he's better left forgotten anyway."
And who could forget Himiko's annoying whining. She constantly sounds like a toddler and if she wasn't being such a bitch I could over look that, but right now I kinda despise her, not that I'd ever let that show. Even so, I didn't expect that from her. She normally refuses to talk about kokichi so this is the first time I'm actually hearing her opinion on the matter. Anytime kokichi is brought up in conversation she does seem rather annoyed so I guess it makes sense...
"I hope he never wakes up"
Ah yes, Miu Iruma the horny Mei Hatsume wannabe. Of course it was Miu! She hates him more than anyone! Which I suppose is fair since he did get her killed.. but in kokichi's defense she was planning to kill him so... meh, it is what it is.
"Miu! You can't just say that!"
Right on cue, there's Kaede keeping the peace.
And then, like venom seeping into my veins, Miu's voice cuts through, filled with malice and hatred.
"I hope he never wakes up. He made life a living hell for all of us. The little shit is just getting what he finally deserves."
Kaede interjects in a manner similar to that of a scolding mother.
"Miu!"
"What? I'm just saying what everyone's already thinking. It would be better for all of us if he just died"
The room falls silent, the tension palpable. The words sting more than they should. I don't even know him so why am I so upset? I instinctively want to disagree with her, but how would I know. It's not like I really know him. All I have to go on are contradicting stories and unreliable memories that come to me in the form of dreams. I have no place in this argument. I can't defend someone I've never really met. I can't exactly condemn him either.
Just like that I'm put back in my place, an outsider listening to whispers behind closed doors just trying to piece things together.
Thankfully, I don't have to be the one to defend him. Angry older brother Rantaro is back again and this time it sounds like he's ready for a fight.
"One more word about it and I'll rip your tongue out and feed it to the birds! You don't know him! You never did! Kokichi was so much more than the mask he put on, you were just too stupid to look past it!"
As fun as it is to hear them argue, I'll admit things may have gone a bit too far.
"Who you calling stupid, guacamole?!"
"What's wrong piss princess, you need some more toilet paper to keep you quiet?"
Piss princess... can't say I've heard that one before but with her death in the killing game it kinda fits. I find myself holding back laughter, until Kaede interrupts yet again.
"STOP! Just stop it, please..."
Her voice is so stern, I've never heard her sound like that before. To say Kaede sounds upset is an understatement. She's never been one for conflict. She doesn't like to rock the boat and she much prefers the power of friendship over insults and petty name calling. It seems like there's something more going on here though. Kaede has been hanging out with Miu a lot lately, and Rantaro is her best friend. It's understandable that she would be so upset by the two of them arguing like this. I guess there are a few perks to being an outsider.
After a brief silence Kirumi comes to Kaede's aid, just trying to keep the peace.
"I agree with Kaede that's enough."
All they want is to diffuse the situation, but Rantaro is hurt. He's the one that found him the second time, he's seen things no one should ever have to see, especially when it's a close friend.
He clearly sees Kirumi as an ally here, and when he speaks his words are laced with betrayal.
"Kirumi, you were like a mom to him, he trusted you, you can't seriously be siding with Miu on this one?!"
Kirumi isn't usually one to show emotion. When she speaks her voice stays calm and professional, so when I hear her yell I'm shocked. It's only for a brief moment, but the fact it happened at all is surprising to say the least.
"I'm not!" She takes a deep breath regaining her composure before continuing, "I just don't think this is the way to solve things. We're all feeling conflicted about kokichi's condition, some of us are just handling it more constructively than others. Miu is allowing all her pent up guilt and anger to come out as antagonistic insults and misconstrued anger. Do not stoop to her level"
And with that Kirumi has delivered the sickest of burns. Miu, having always been one whose bark is far bigger than her bite, whimpers her reply like the coward she is.
"W-what?! Am not!"
"Hey Miu, dearest, I think it's time we go. Tensions are high and I don't want anyone to say things they'll regret."
Hold up. Since when did Kaede call Miu dearest? Is that why they've been spending so much time together? Of all the people she could have picked Kaede had to go with Miu! The ultimate horny bitch?! The super highschool level cum dumpster?!
How did that happen?!
Why does it almost hurt so bad to have yet another secret kept from me. Kaede is my best friend! Best friends tell eachother these things! I guess I can't even do that anymore, yet another freedom that was stripped from me in the name of my own protection.
As much as I hate to say it, I can see why they're protecting me. I'm weak. I never stand up for myself, and I hide all my pain for the sake of others. My therapist even gave me back my hat a few weeks ago to help with some of my panic attacks. All the confidence and character development I gained from the killing game was gone the second I woke up. In the end the game was just a game and everything that happened there died with my memories.
So yeah, I am weak. I'm pathetic and fragile. I'm timid. The second I sense danger I curl back in on myself and hide behind my hat like the sad emo turtle I am. If I saw me from the outside I would probably feel the need to protect me too.
If I don't stand up for myself, if I don't put my foot down and demand the truth, then this will never end. I'll always be the outsider. I'll be sheltered and protected from everything for the rest of my life, always kept at arms length from the truth.
I can't live like that.
So now is the day I decide to be brave.
With a deep breath, I gather my resolve and push open the door, ready to confront them, to demand answers. I was so close to finding myself again.
Their eyes turn towards me, voices trailing off into an uneasy silence.
That's when I freeze. All words leave my brain and my head suddenly goes empty. All thoughts are replaced by fear and pain.
I open my mouth, but no words come out. I'm frozen like a deer in headlights. The weight of their unspoken truths crashes into me killing both my confidence and my voice on impact. Tears well up in my eyes, blurring my vision. I feel panic creep it's way up my spine making a home in my bones giving me the strength to run. My fight or flight has been triggered, but I'm a coward so it's only ever been flight for me.
Like the coward I am, I turn on my heels and bolt. I run, tears streaming down my face, my heart pounding in my chest. It feels like the world is crashing down around me. I just need to get out, to get away from these thoughts, these feelings that haunt me. The hallway becomes a blur as I race towards the solace of my room, desperate to escape.
I slam the door shut behind me, and sink to the floor, my hands shaking as I try to wipe away my tears. I really am weak. I'm pathetic. If I can't even stand up for myself then maybe it's better this way. Maybe I'm just so fragile that the second I find out I'll break.
In the midst of my despair, a soft voice calls to me.
"Shuichi, please... please open the door. I'm so sorry."
It's Kaede, her voice filled with genuine remorse and concern.
"We never meant for you to hear that, and I'm sorry you had to. It shouldn't have been said in the first place"
I assume she's talking about Miu's latest kokichi bashing campaign and can't help but feel a sense of betrayal.
I want to be petty, to yell at her to go away or to go hang out with her new girlfriend, but I'm too emotionally vulnerable and a hug sounds incredible right now.
Hesitant, I slowly open the door, revealing a tear-stained face and quivering lips. I guess she really does feel bad. Without a word, Kaede rushes forward, engulfing me in a tight embrace. I cry on her shoulder and she lets me stay there for the first time in a long time, gently patting me on the back in an awkward, friendly manner. Things have been weird like that ever since she started hanging out with Miu... I guess now I know why. Miu always was the jealous type.
The others continue to argue amongst themselves, their voices echoing in the distance. The world is still broken and my tears are slowly morphing into a panic attack, but at least I'm not alone.
I wish I could say it helped, but it didn't. My sobs morphed into a full panic attack as I broke away from Kaede's embrace, pulling myself into the corner and trying my hardest to breathe. I'm gasping for air but it never comes. I feel like I'm drowning. At this point Kaito is by my side, trying his best to calm me down with an awkward side hug and some reassuring words while Kaede finds my therapist. Maki is guarding the door, Rantaro is trying to coach me through my breathing, and Keebo is grabing a nurse to bring me my anxiety meds.
I don't usually have these in front of people and all the attention is overwhelming. I'm grateful for their help, but it's making things worse instead of better.
It's too loud. I would say that but I can't seem to speak. I don't know how, but maki seemed to take the hint, closing the door and waiting outside. Rantaro continues to demonstrate the breathing techniques and Kaito tones his voice down to a whisper. The relief is almost instant. It takes me a while to come down to earth, but when I do I find myself alone in the room with my therapist, Dr. Mitsume.
"Hello Shuichi, glad to see you're back with us"
She says with a knowing smile. She's good at her job. She always seems to understand how her patients are feeling. It's nice to feel seen.
"Heh, yeah... thanks"
"I brought you something"
"Oh?"
She pulls out my hat, the same one that has given me strength and comfort my entire life.
She always seems to know how to help
"Thank you"
This hat has become a lifeline for me. I feel like it's somehow connected to him. He seems to steal it a lot in my dreams. It's one of the only tangible things I have to remind me that he is real, even if I don't remember him yet, he's still with me.
"How are you feeling?"
I usually dread this answer, especially after a panic attack, but today it's actually nice to have someone actually care enough to ask me instead of just assuming.
"Better"
"Good. Are you ready to talk about it?"
Am I ready to talk about it? I mean, I think it's pretty obvious what caused this one. I don't want to seem dramatic or ungrateful, but Dr. Mitsume has never made me feel like that before. I feel like I can actually trust her.
"Maybe?"
"Ok, Im just going to ask some questions to see if we can figure out what caused it, unless you already know the answer?"
"I do actually... it's about my memories. The others have been keeping things from me and I heard them talking about him in the cafeteria and just snapped... they wanted him to die... I... I just wish I could see him again. I miss him so much and I don't even really know him. It just hurts. It's so confusing and frustrating. It's driving me insane... I went to confront them, but I panicked and now we're here"
She pauses for a moment trying to find the right words.
"I see. Before we unpack any of that I'd like to compliment you on your self awareness. You were able to identify the cause, which is step one to finding the solution. Speaking of, what do you think the solution would be in this scenario?"
She asks a lot of questions like that. She knows I like to come to conclusions on my own and piece things together by myself, so she usually guides me through the solution instead of just telling me how to fix it.
"If I could just see him again, talk to him and have him actually respond to me. Honestly if I could just remember him, to know who he is and who we were to each other, that could be enough. The memories are gone but the feelings are still here.
If I knew the reason behind them it would be easier to face them. I just need to know the truth. There are so many lies that I don't know where to start. How am I supposed to move on from something if I don't even know what I'm moving on from?"
Her face goes blank and I can tell she's debating something in her head. She seems to be concerned about the solution she's going to suggest that normal. She doesn't normally suggest solutions either. She normally helps me figure out where to go from here on my own... everything about this is unusual and a bit alarming. I would be lying if I didn't say I was a little scared of what she might say next.
"I see... I've been hesitating telling you this because it could be more traumatic than helpful, but there is a way to get those memories back."
"What! Really?"
I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't that.
"Yes... it's not going to be easy and it's a huge risk, which is why I haven't told you about it yet, but if this is the only way you can learn to cope with this it may be the only option."
I don't even hesitate. I'd it means I remember him then it's worth the risk.
"What is it?"
"Tell me Saihara, how would you feel about reliving those memories? Is it really worth going back to the game?"
"For him, I'll do anything"