This includes: Angst
Taehyun is in the middle of an extreme existential crisis. And Soobin is there to soothe him.
Takes place before Everlasting Shine era.
Warning ⚠️: this oneshot involves the heavy theme of existentialism. If themes such as mental crisises trigger you, I suggest for you to click off.
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🎶: 'Lonely (ft. Taeyeon)' by Jonghyun
Taehyun was sick.
Not sick in the sense of with a cold, or a fever, no no no, thankfully not that.
But he was sick.
In his heart and mind.
The past few days, Taehyun has been going through an existential crisis. He had no idea how it started.
He was just innocently watching a movie with his members, laughing and smiling along as it was a comedy.
When suddenly, he started to wonder and question life's existence.
He wondered how it'd be if life itself, this very moment, his members, and everything around him, just— wouldn't exist.
Taehyun's smile dropped, and he started to feel extremely tense and anxious on the inside. He moved closer to Beomgyu, who was surprised at the pink haired boy's sudden clinginess.
"You okay Taehyun?" he asked.
"Yeah. Just cold."
He couldn't lie it was chilly.
But he didn't want to worry Beomgyu with the thought he just had.
It's just one thought, right? It will go away, just like all of his thoughts.
Well, Taehyun was wrong with that.
Very wrong.
Those thoughts did not go away in the span of the same day. They stayed the next day, the day after that, and the week after that.
They were driving him nuts.
It wasn't so much that he had that curiosity. It was the damn side effects that bothered him the most.
He would feel like the ground would collapse, and that was just great, especially since they're practicing day and night their choreo for Drama. He can't count the number of times he tripped over his feet and bruised his elbows and knees so badly that he could barely walk back to their dorms.
His heart would beat so fast out of his chest that he would feel dizzy, and sometimes like throwing up.
Oh yeah.
Food.
Taehyun could barely swallow one piece of bread down for breakfast, let alone a whole lunch. Most of the time, he was just poking around his dumplings or tteokbokki or ramen, and did not want to eat it.
When the members, specifically Yeonjun, wanted to know why he wasn't eating, he would smile at them and say: I'm just not so hungry right now.
He didn't want to worry them.
After all, he wants to keep remaining as their strong and mature Taehyun, who doesn't let things bother him.
However, it wasn't long before the members, or specifically, Soobin, noticed that something was wrong with one of their maknaes.
And that was the day when they were practicing Drama, three days before their Japanese EP would drop.
Taehyun was slacking even more on the choreo, as the thoughts were nowhere near giving him a break.
He tried to focus and just concentrate on the choreo and nothing else, but it wasn't working.
His own reflection was distracting him so badly.
"Cut!" their dance instructor yelled.
The music stopped abruptly, and the members of TXT all stopped dancing.
"Taehyunie, you messed up the tempo again. What happened; you were usually the best at keeping rhythm?" she asked.
Taehyun bowed his head in shame.
"I'm sorry."
"Come on, I'll show you again."
Taehyun followed her steps, but again, the thoughts invaded his head. His face scrunched up furiously as he tried to perfect his steps again, but to no avail.
The instructor sighed as Taehyun tripped again, and fell harshly to the floor.
"Alright guys, take a break for a while."
The members sighed, Beomgyu and Yeonjun immediately grabbing their water bottles to refresh.
Hueningkai walked to Taehyun, but the slightly older boy didn't look at him.
"Hey, is everything okay—" he began.
"SHUT UP!"
Hueningkai staggered back as Taehyun sprang up and ran out of their practice room, slamming the door behind him.
"Okay, what the hell is going on with him?!" Hueningkai exclaimed.
"What do you mean?" Beomgyu asked.
"There's something obviously going on that he isn't telling us!"
"I have the feeling that you're right. Is it just me, or does Taehyun look a lot skinnier nowadays?" Yeonjun questioned.
"I've noticed. He's also been slacking off during school hours. And... last night, when he was taking shower, I think I heard him crying," Beomgyu said.
"This isn't normal," Soobin suddenly spoke up.
"No shit Sherlock," Hueningkai replied.
"Okay Kamal, you write down fifty times in your notepad that you don't curse in this household," Yeonjun said.
"OH COME ON!"
Soobin meanwhile walked to their dance instructor, who was busy monitoring their videos.
"Can you give us a fifteen minute break? I'll go check up on Taehyun and talk with him," he asked.
"Of course Soobin. I'm rather concerned for him; I hope you can help him. He trusts you as the leader after all."
"I hope so too."
Taehyun had fled to the lounge room, and threw himself onto the big blue couch in the corner. To his relief, no one was there doing a Vlive or anything.
He was so scared.
Scared of his thoughts.
Scared of himself.
And most of all, scared that this won't ever go away. He did not want to live like this, having to constantly question life's existence with every step he took.
"I hate this... I hate this so much," he whimpered, tears beginning to build behind his eyes.
"Taehyun? Taehyunie, are you in here?" a voice called to him.
The pink haired boy looked up to see his blue haired leader walking inside the lounge, calling his name.
"Go away hyung," he said.
Soobin glanced at his direction, and just walked over to him to sit down beside the younger.
"Taehyun. Look at me."
Unwillingly, Taehyun glanced up at Soobin. The leader almost felt his heart shatter when he saw the glisten and tiredness in Taehyun's eyes.
He's never seen the usually bright maknae like this.
"Is something wrong?" Soobin asked.
"No..."
"Please be honest with me Taehyun; you haven't been acting like yourself the past few weeks."
Taehyun finally realized there was no way to escape it on his own.
Someone needs to help him.
He sighed as he lifted himself up from his lying down position and sat up, shuffling closer to Soobin so he could cuddle up to the leader. To which Soobin returned, wrapping his arm around his shoulders.
"Will you tell hyung now what's wrong?"
Taehyun stayed silent for a moment.
He needed to gather his thoughts.
"Soobin hyung."
"Yeah?"
"Have you... ever wondered how it'd be if the world and life itself didn't exist?"
Soobin stared at Taehyun with a raised eyebrow.
"Why do you ask?"
"Because... that's what's been bothering me."
Taehyun finally spilled it all out. All of these thoughts and bottled up emotions came flowing out of his mouth like a river.
"... and I can't stop thinking about it, no matter how much I try to do! I-I feel so lost Hyung, w-what do I do?"
Taehyun's voice had been wobbling and close to breaking down, but now, his fragility was at a breaking point, and he finally let the tears out.
He buried his head into his palms, crying out all of the emotions he had inside of him.
Soobin just sat there, trying to figure out everything.
So he's afraid of the unknown, but also afraid that he would have not had the experience to live life. Is he also... scared of not having an answer? Taehyun always liked having an answer... oh god.
He pulled Taehyun into a warm hug, softly stroking Taehyun's back as the younger continued crying into his shoulder.
"Shhh... it's okay Taehyunie... I'm here... we're all here for you..."
"You don't understand! All of that just feeds my negative anxiety even more, I-I can't even sing o-or talk to M-MOA anymore because of how s-scared I g-get!"
The more Taehyun talked, the more effort it took for Soobin to not start crying too.
He felt so sorry for the younger.
He didn't deserve to deal with this, seeing how much of a toll it took on him and his mental well-being.
"Taehyunie... look at me."
Taehyun glanced up, and softly gasped as his doe eyes widened too. Was Soobin... crying as well?
"Taehyunie, it hurts me so much to see you like this. Please... why didn't you tell us sooner? I-I could have asked our manager to help you find a psychologist to give you some tips."
"I-I'm sorry Hyung. I-I was just too scared to ask!"
Soobin inhaled as another tear rolled down his cheek.
"Don't ever be afraid to ask us for help Taehyun. We're a team. We're in this together, no matter what! We love you so much, and we don't want to see you sad or upset how you are right now. We'll never give up on you."
Taehyun nodded, and he hugged Soobin tightly again, feeling small and safe in the elder's arms.
"Thank you hyungie," he mumbled.
"You're welcome Taehyunie. Would you like to go live later tonight? It may help you take your mind off things."
"I don't know if I'm ready for that..."
"The moment you feel anxious, you stand up and go. I'll take it as a sign and I'll end the vlive for you."
"Okay..."
Soobin pinched Taehyun's cheek, and gave him such a sweet smile.
"Just remember this next time you think these thoughts: 'I am worthy to live. We all are worthy to live. And again, the key word is 'if'. Life exists, and we don't need to ponder about how it'd be if we weren't'. Okay?"
Taehyun smiled at his leader.
"Okay. I'll try."
Soobin hugged him again, and patted his back.
"Come on. Let's get 'Drama' down and then I'll order us a bunch of delicious food."
"That sounds nice hyung."
"And I'll let you cling to my arm."
"Yay!"
Taehyun clinging to Soobin's arm as they entered the practice room together was just a sign that Taehyun will get better.
All he needs is time.
And affection, specifically from his trustworthy leader.
A/N: this oneshot seems... personal, doesn't it? Well, it is. I wrote this based on my own existential crisis, one that I had twice within one and a half years. The first one lasted for five months, the other one luckily only a month. But I'm nevertheless worried it can come back and put me through so much hell. Those were some of the worst times of my life, because it was so scary getting through the day. Most of what happened to me during that time is described in this oneshot so... I don't really wanna explain any further.
I'm better now, but like I said, I still worry it'll come back one day. Hopefully I didn't curse myself just now 🥲
If you're someone who's going through this, please don't be afraid to ask for help. I'm still internet shy but if you really have no else to talk to, don't be hesitant to write me a Wattpad message. I'll do my best to comfort you 💞