Josephine
My scars are getting better but I'm wearing long boots to cover them up anyways. Never in my life did I think I would be hiding parts of my body from the world. Never in my life did I think I'd be getting haunted by my ex-boyfriend. He lingers around the room at every show, on the street, and in places where I think I'm finally okay.
He did tell me he was going to make my life a living hell and he sticks to his word because not a day goes by where I feel safe or even happy to be alive. Being alive means another day of enduring his stupid fucking mind games and being hurt by him.
I head into the venue to get ready for tonight's show, walking into my dressing room to change into a different t-shirt when Theo walks in. "Josie!" My shirt pools over my waist, causing his eyes to basically pop out of his head. "Jesus, Jos, as your brother I'm genuinely asking, when was the last time you had a meal?" He asks, taking in my whole body.
I shake my head, not answering his question by asking another, "What did you need, Theo?" I ask, heading over to makeup so Stas can work her magic on my face "Robbie is out tonight, he's sick and needs the weekend to recover. Can you play for us, just tonight?" He asks, respecting my wishes by not pressing on the food topic.
"Yeah, I can. He's bass, right?" I ask, sitting in my chair and closing my eyes as Stas pins my hair back. "Yeah, thank you so much, J. You're the best sister ever!" He yells running to his room to tell the band. Tonight is going to kick my ass.
Theo's band gets up on stage as Alex gives me an introduction, "Robbie our bassist is out so for tonight we have the honor to have Josephine Lee helping us out!" He smiles at me as if he isn't the biggest jerk to me off-stage. I wave at a few girls in the front, as someone hands me my bass.
We're almost done with the setlist, needing to play one more song as Alex introduces his next song, "This next song is called '18' and I wrote it about this chick that was older than me, but it was never going to happen. This is the song I wrote about Josephine, enjoy!" He smirks at me and Theo, causing the two of us to furrow our brows not knowing what to do with this new information.
"I'm not old enough for her, I'm just waiting 'til I'm eighteen!" He sings into the mic, finishing the song, giving me time to storm off stage to let my anger out. I see Theo lashing out at Alex so I make my way over to them to calm them down. "If you ever get near her again I'll fucking kill you! That's my sister you fucking prick!" He grips Alex's shirt tightly.
Alex tries pulling Theo's hands off his shirt but there's no shot Theo is letting go. Alex looks over at me watching the entire interaction before saying, "Not my fault your sister is a fucking smoke show and wears those little ass outfits. She's asking for it, bud." When I said there was no shot Theo was letting go, that comment is enough to make him let go but only to crash his fist against Alex's face.
I wrap my arms around my stomach, suddenly not liking my outfit, or how people perceive me. Alex gets off the floor, wiping his lip before shoving Theo's chest and saying, "I quit, good luck without me, you'll never make it," He chuckles before walking out. Ryan and Josh have to hold back Theo so he doesn't go running after Alex for a second round.
Theo looks over at me, tears building up in my eyes from everything Alex had said about me, but before Theo can grab me, I'm running to my dressing room to change into my next outfit. Tonight I wear a strapless black dress with a sheer star dress over it, pairing it with some tall black boots. Needing some extra reassurance I send Jack a picture of my outfit
Josie❤️:
OOTD:)
Jack💋: Geeeez, my sweet girl you're gorgeous.
I miss you so fucking much, I just want to kiss you all over
Josie❤️: I miss you too, can't wait to kiss you soon:(((
I gtg, I'm on stage in a few minutes, I love you
I run into Theo outside of my door who wears a very guilty-looking face. "You look great, Jo. I'm sorry you had to hear any of that," he apologizes on Alex's behalf even though that guy is never coming back. "What are you guys going to do, without your lead singer?" I genuinely wonder as he walks with me. He rubs the back of his neck, hinting at the fact that they might've been considering kicking Alex out for a while.
"Is it you Teddy? Ya' taking after me?" I joke with him, trying to lighten up the somber mood Alex put over us. "Y-yeah, we've been talking about kicking him out for a while and the guys said I should be the lead guy," He answers, popping his knuckles, showcasing his similar anxious habits.
Before going up on stage Theo grabs onto my wrist softly, making me flinch away from him. A flicker of hurt flashes through his eyes before he backs away to say, "Don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't wear. You're my beautiful sister, and I'm not just saying that because we look alike. I'll beat up anyone who makes you think otherwise," I hold Theo close to me, hugging him tightly unsure of what will happen tonight, but for right now I'm okay because I'm here with Teddy.
"Hi again," I smile, holding a few of the girl's hands as I start singing 'Difficult' I twirl around the stage, loving my star outfit tonight. I get thrown a few flowers, flags, and small gifts making my tired heart remember why I love doing this. Tonight I decide to sing another unreleased song called, 'Fault Line'
A tear or two slips out as I belt out, "And all my imaginary friends are scared of you. I've gone and cried to them in our bedroom. Most nights I will pretend, I left this sooner." I wipe my nose and eyes, this subtly being my cry for help. I need help, but I can't risk any of my boys losing their careers because of me.
After tonight's show, I find myself being shoved against a wall, scraping the side of my leg as he presses me up against my dressing room door, unable to move because he's holding a knife to my throat as he whisper yells at me. His fingers dig into my hips and arms, already leaving harsh marks that he was there. "What the fuck was that Josephine?" He lowers the knife to my thigh, cutting a life right across it.
Just enough to bleed, just enough to send me into another panic attack, and just another time I'm reminded that he is and will forever be a monster. His touch is forever engraved into my brain, if I try sleeping he's my sleep paralysis monster. I lay paralyzed in bed only feeling his angry touch, against my skin. What scares me the most about my sleep paralysis is how I don't fight back, because I can't move, but in real life, I can move and I still don't fight back.
When will I gain the courage to fight back?
"I'd watch yourself, Josephine, I see everything, remember that." He taunts me before running out of the room. I clean up my most recent cut, pulling out the first aid kit I have to carry with me now in case anything happens. After I bandage my leg up, I pull on some black jeans and a black sweater.
After my night today, I wish I could have as much Jack on my body as I have Brendan's, and that's when inspiration strikes. I search up 24-hour tattoo parlors and ask my driver to take me there. She waits outside of the shop as I step inside, getting ready for my new tattoo. I let the tattoo artist know what I want and he distracts me by asking about him.
Noah, the guy hard at work on my tattoo, does it so fast that I feel like I only just started talking about Jack. I look in the mirror, lifting my bra to see the small 'J' I have right next to my heart near my boob, so I have him with me at all times. "I love it, thank you so much," I give him a huge tip before sending Jack a picture of me getting a tattoo but not what it is.
Josie❤️: LOOK
Jack💋: 1. WOW, you're gorgeous 2. Tell that dude to back up 3. What did you get?
Josie❤️: Dunno, you'll have to wait to see it in person...
Jack💋: You're awful, why would you do this?
Texting Jack as if the only issue going on in my life is missing him is hurtful. I hate lying to him or I guess hiding the truth from him but it's the most I can do at the moment. "Just to the hotel now, Deb, thank you," I tell my driver as I buckle up in the backseat of the car.
It's not long before I get back to the hotel where I decide I want nothing to do with my room. So I walk up to Theo's room, knocking gently as I hear him trudging over, to open the door. "Jos?" He asks sleepily, opening up the door further to let me in. "Can I sleep here with you tonight? I'm getting the heebie geebies being in my room all alone.
"Yeah, sure, there's clothes in my suitcase," he says before tucking himself back into bed. I head to the restroom to change into my new clothes, before tying my hair up and getting into bed beside him like we used to when we were kids. I'm glad to have this circle around me, even if I'm in the eye of the hurricane at the moment.
For the first time in a month and a half since tour started I sleep like a baby. Even though I have a new cut on my leg, I wear my boyfriend's and best friend's initial right next to my heart where he'll always be.
Until I can get home, I'll bring home to me.
It's all I can do to keep myself floating.
A.N// heyy guys </3 how are we feeelinggg?? I'm sorry again... I kind of packed together two parts of the drama I wanted to add into this one chapter so I'm not completely dragging this drama. Anyways I hope you enjoyed this even if it's pretty sad. I love you guys forever and always! Text me if you ever need anything!
Love Lottie 💐💐💐