songs for this chapter are:
Au Revoir - one republic
Try - the xx
Car radio - twenty one pilots
Still - The Japanese House
as always, enjoy !
-
Ariana.
It's been an awful day.
It was a regular day because I did not do anything in particular and I stayed in bed all day, as per usual. The only thing I did today was attend all my classes, which was very unusual because I would skip classes nearly everyday.
Once I was out of class, I dragged myself back home to repeat the process all over again every day. But today was much worse actually. Today was the day that I did not feel a single thing, the only thing I could do was reminisce.
All I could do was think about all the little things that had happened in my life. One topic in particular: Harry. And it was no longer tearing me into shreds, the pain was still here, it remained sizzling throughout my whole body but I could finally think of him without breaking down. It terrified me. I would much rather break down into uncontrollable sobs than be this numb.
It was not like I couldn't feel a thing, because I sure as hell could, but it was much worse than it sounded. Being numb was not about not feeling a single thing, it was about feeling everything but not having a single reaction to it. It was a constant emptiness in the pit of your chest and you could feel all the heartache and annihilating pain that came with it but you did not react to it. You just let it sizzle all throughout your body and bones without any care and there was absolutely nothing you could do about it. You let the excruciating agony eat you alive without any attempt to stop it because it was too late, and you were too weak to even form a single thought.
All I could think about today was our memories. They were actually quite delightful to think about but the thought of never reliving them again crushed me back down. It made me insanely happy to know that he was my first love, and I him, but the memories carried along with our relationship were excruciating.
When I had him, our love was like no other. My first love was everything all at once. Our love was a kind of love you never fall back from, never try to or want to. A love so big, so strong, it never dies, never fades, never loses it's electricity. A kind of love you fight for. A kind of boy you fight for.
I fought for him in every way. And I didn't know if he had any strength left in him to fight for me.
It hurt me to think about these beautifully haunting memories but everything that I did throughout the day reminded me of him. It was quite strange to have all these flashbacks and reminders of the person I lost indefinitely. I did not want my mind to build up these thoughts any longer because they were painful, but all along it was my heart yearning for these opportunities.
When I was walking to campus I would think about the way his hand would be in mine and we would swing them back and forth as we walked silently and sipped on our usual coffees.
It would all just come back in flashes, I couldn't stop myself from thinking these thoughts because I never expected them coming.
I could not even concentrate in the lessons during classes because my mind was too stuck on these memories. It was not like I minded, though, I truly enjoyed day dreaming about these things, it put me at a certain kind of peace I needed.
So I sat on this couch in nothing but silence, day dreaming about each and every memory that has occurred. There were certain memories that came to mind almost instantly as my eyes wandered around the living room. The most memorable ones in particular.
Light and almost inaudible snores echoed throughout the empty room where we were both sitting on the couch watching late night television. Of course, I was the only one that managed to stay awake all this time so instead of watching television, I watched the beautiful boy beside me.
I stared at him in awe as he slept so soundly against me. His head rested on my lap as my fingers wove through his soft hair and lightly raked his scalp only to pull him into the depths of sleep. His head was turned to the opposite side of me, towards the television because he watched it with me before falling asleep.
From what I could see from my angle, he looked at peace. His lips were slightly parted as he lightly snored with each breath he drew out. His eyebrows were no longer knit together in frustration. His long hair was sprawled out against my lap in all directions and his skin had a natural glow to it. Long lashes rest on the tops of his cheeks as his eyes shut. One thing I could definitely not ignore was his bulging jawline. My eyes traveled from his plump lips to his perfectly structured jawline and down the expanse of his neck.
I barely noticed the pads of my fingers trailing from his hair to his jaw until he started stirring in his sleep. My finger tips gently traced over his jaw until his eyes shot open, the burning jade of them immediately meeting mine before he lazily smiled. Perfect white teeth were fully exposed as he fully smiled now because he realized he fell asleep on my lap.
"What time is it?" Harry questioned, his voice laced with sleepiness and was incredibly deep and raspy.
"Nearly 3am," I replied before leaning down to press a gentle kiss to his parted lips.
"Why are we still awake?" Harry asked before he leaned in for another kiss.
"I was awake, you weren't." I remark and he chuckles. Harry shifts his body to wrap his arms around my back as he remained in his laying position with his head on my lap. One arm wrapped beneath my thigh as another wrapped around the small of my back.
"I meant, why aren't we in bed?" He mumbled against my tummy that was pressed up against his face.
"Because you were sleeping on my lap so cutely." I pressed a kiss to his nose before gently shaking my thighs to push him off me. He only groaned as I tried to shake him off. Instead, he held me just a bit tighter before I was sent rolling onto the ground beneath us. A squeal pushed past my lips as I landed on top of Harry with my thighs parted on either side of his hips. His hands rested firmly on both sides of my face before he gently pressed his lips to mine only to disconnect them a little too soon. Strong arms were then wrapped around my back as I was pressed tightly against his chest.
"Goodnight, love." Harry said before pressing another kiss to my cheek as if he was actually going to sleep on the soft carpet for tonight. There was no way I would be able to sleep on the ground tonight, so of course I had to put up a fight.
"Let's go to bed." I pulled on his shirt in attempt to drag him to our bedroom.
"Let's stay here." Harry suggested, sounding more like a clarification.
"I'm not sleeping on the floor tonight, babe."
"Why not? We have pillows, blankets, and a soft carpet! What more could we ask for!"
"A mattress. Now come on you lazy bum." I nudged him with my elbow but he only groaned louder before holding me even tighter.
A few seconds later I given up on fighting him, it was no use, Harry was too sleep and lazy to drag himself into our bedroom for the night. He would definitely not let me escape into the bedroom without him either, so I relaxed back into him and nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck while he traced unnamed shapes on my back.
And a few minutes later, without anymore of my restriction, we had fallen asleep wrapped into each other's limbs on that same soft carpet.
It was quite funny that in the past we could not last a day without sleeping with one another but now, two months later, we slept alone every night.
I just had to accept that we humans hold on to memories so when something's gone, we have something to remember. We have something to fall in love with all over again. We have something to be happy for.
A sharp creak echoed throughout the empty hall as I opened the door from the restroom, puffs of fog immediately escaping into the fresh air of the apartment as I exited the steam filled restroom from where I emerged from the shower in nothing but a towel wrapped loosely around my body.
My hands tightly gripped the towel because it was slipping from my body and I had yet to dress before Harry saw me. I awoke earlier than usual because it was finally my birthday, my twentieth birthday. And I knew Harry had something in mind because he had been dropping clues all week. He had made sure to remind me every day that I was one day closer to being an official adult.
So I had to dress into something quick before he awoke because he was just a few feet away from me and absolutely anything could wake him. I tiptoed down the hall and made sure I did not slip on the way to Harry's bedroom in attempt to get my clothes. My shaky hand gently twisted the door knob before pushing it open and letting myself into the dark room.
My eyes immediately darted to the messy sheets and the two empty spots on the bed. I sighed to myself and figured that maybe Harry was in the kitchen making us coffee as he usually did. It was actually quite exciting that Harry was taking this day so casual, I wanted this day to go smoothly and I felt like staying in all day with Harry. There was nothing more I wanted than to spend a full day with him, learning more about him, laughing with him, talking with him, loving him even more.
Before anything had happened, I had to make sure we were staying in all day because I really was not feeling like going out on my birthday which was very rare especially on this special occasion. So I pulled my hair up into a quick messy bun before walking out of the bedroom and into the empty living room where I saw two mugs of steaming coffee sitting on the coffee table. Beside it was a plate stacked with eggs, bacon, and pancakes. And of course, two fresh cups of almond milk.
I walked to the small table with my jaw ajar. Harry did this? I couldn't believe Harry would do such a sweet thing for me when he really did not have to, it was just my birthday. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes at the realization of how lucky I was to find such an incredible man like him.
But before I could get too sentimental, I felt my heart skip a beat as I felt warm lips press against the curve of my neck. A soft breath drew out from my parted lips as I sunk back into Harry as his lips stayed connected to my neck. I felt his hot breath hit me before his lips pecked on the sensitive skin there, he planted slow and open mouth kisses along any part of exposed skin on my shoulder and neck before I let out a light whimper as his teeth dug into the skin there.
"Happy birthday, baby girl." Harry whispered cheerfully against the hot skin on my neck. I let out a contented sigh in response, there was no way I could even form another sentence with his slow teasing. I had suddenly forgotten about the delicious breakfast right in front of us from the way he had already worked me up.
"Thank you for the breakfast, baby, it looks so damn delicious." I murmured as my stomach tightened multiple of times. I had desperately wanted to devour everything that was on that plate but it was too late, Harry had successfully worked me up into insanity.
"Mhmm, we'll eat it later." Harry stated as he let his tongue dart out to run along the curve of my neck. My knees nearly gave up on me at this action but Harry was quick to catch me by wrapped both arms around my waist.
"It's going to get cold," I said, my voice not very much convincing. Harry didn't answer though, he was determined to tease me to no end right now so eating was our least concern.
Before my mind could even process what was happening, my body had twirled around and our lips had crashed together instantly. His hands cradled both sides of my face as he kissed me slow enough to burn all throughout my body. When his plump lips captured my lower lip like they always did, I let out a load groan at the feel.
My hands pulled at his hair, his shirt, his sweatpants, anywhere just to get some clothes off his body as soon as possible. If this was Harry's way of gifting me, I was definitely not complaining. As soon as I was able to yank his shirt off his body, he pulled back only to press his lips to my neck.
I felt a familiar shock throughout my whole body as he shifted his hips forward, his hard bulge was pressed against my stomach and I was glad his slow teasing was getting to him too. I gasped as I felt his skilled fingers work their way up my body only to untie the towel wrapped around my bare body. He then proceeded to kiss me before he gently placed both hands on my shoulders to push me down onto the couch.
I was not sure of what he wanted to do but whatever it was I was satisfied with. His lips trailed from my cheek, to my jawline, and down the expanse of my neck before trailing back up to gently nibble on the shell of my ear. From the way I could feel him pressed against me, I knew he was ready but I knew he had something else in mind by the way his lips seemed to dip even lower on my skin as he touched nearly every inch of my skin.
Wet and open-mouthed kisses were pressed all over my bare stomach before his tongue darted out to run along the smooth surface. My fingers tangled into the mess of his hair as he continued his slow exploration of my body with his mouth. My breathing was the heaviest it has been yet from the way he had worked me up so well. I felt my stomach tighten as he dipped the lowest he had been yet to press a lingering kiss to my hipbone.
"Baby, can I try something new?" Harry whispered against my skin, his hot breath washed over me which caused me to shudder and sink back into the couch.
I knew exactly what he meant by 'something new', and I have never been so excited my entire life. I sucked in a quick gasp before nodding quickly, approving that this is exactly what I wanted him to do.
"Just, erm... tell me if I'm doing anything wrong." Harry awkwardly said. He had always been shy when it would come to these things, he would either back away from me because he thought he was doing something wrong, or because he did not want to embarrass himself from his lack of experience. It was adorable how awfully shy he was at times but I knew he was very comfortable with me to be doing these kinds of things.
He planted light and wet kisses all over my lower stomach and the insides of my thighs before he positioned himself comfortably between my thighs. With one last kiss on my inner thigh, he darted his eyes to mine before I felt his breath wash over me in the most indescribable way possible. It was soft at first but increased in pressure as he get closer to me. It was the exact moment when I felt his tongue gently swipe over me that I had completely lost it.
With a whisper of his name, I had lost myself in the way Harry was making me feel and his gift.
I shuddered at the thought of his touch that I longed for. I had lost my mind at the thought of him. I just had to accept that this is how it was going to be for the rest of my life. I had to accept the fact that the memories were here to stay.
I felt a stinging burn all throughout my body and even straight through my bones as these memories kept repeating themselves all over again. I couldn't stop them, they were still too fresh to forget about.
Instead of breaking into uncontrollable sobs, I remained emotionless. I let the annihilating pain sear a hole right through me with absolutely no resistance. There was no use on crying, he would never come back. So I just let the heartache sizzle all throughout my being.
The wind tore at my skin and hair as I ran, my feet hitting the ground, a definite purpose in each of my steps. The sound of my heels hitting against the cement was methodical and repetitive, one foot after the other again and again. The only other sound that echoed throughout the empty streets was Harry's footsteps that matched the quick pace of mine. As well as the heavy rainfall dripping from the dark night sky and onto us, soaking us completely.
It was about 3am, but Harry and I did not care in the slightest because we had been out in the streets since 12am talking and walking all through downtown. We definitely did not expect any rain, let alone a storm during our peaceful night, so we had no umbrella or vehicle to protect us from the heavy waters pelting down on us.
Harry's hand came out to touch my shoulder signaling me to slow down. I immediately stopped running at his touch.
"What?" I breathed heavily through flared nostrils.
"What's the use of running back home when we're already soaking?" Harry tried to catch a breath in between each syllable of his words but failed as he crouched down to catch his breath. "Holy fuck, that was a lot of running."
"I know," I agreed and crouched down beside him on the sidewalk in hopes of my breathing steadying. "Come on, babe, lets walk."
"I'm too tired." He panted, "Why'd we even go out so late!"
"Because after our late night bang, you wanted to go out for some fresh air and I suggested we walk here!" I replied with a wispy laugh.
"This is all your fault then!"
"It's your fault for wanting some fresh air after sex! You couldn't just opened a damn window." I complained in a huff. Harry rolled his eyes and stood to his feet only to walk to a bus bench right beside us to sit on. He patted the seat next to him and with an eye roll I walked over and filled the empty space beside him.
"What if we get sick? It's cold as fuck out here." Harry shivered as a gust of wind blew past us, only messing my soaked hair even more.
"Who cares."
"I do, if I get sick then I can't go to work and when I don't go to work I don't get paid."
"You mean the job you only go to once a fucking month?" I sassily remarked. He stared at me for a moment before the corners of his mouth stretched into a beautifully wide smile and a few seconds later he began laughing.
"That's so damn true!" Harry laughed. After a few seconds of our laughter filling the empty streets, he had laid his head on my shoulder as if he were about to sleep. "Look at us, it's pouring out here and we're just sitting on a bench instead of finding a cab."
"Hey, you're the one who sat on this bench first!" I pointed out before poking his cheek.
"Why didn't we just bring the car?" Harry half questioned, half laughed.
"We've established this already," I groaned as my hand rose to tangle into the mess of his soaked hair. I gently pulled his head off my shoulder only to press our foreheads together.
"What're you doing?" Harry smirked. He already knew I was aching to kiss him again. The corners of my lips turned up into a smile as I stared back at him. His eyes were dancing with excitement as he stared at me before his eyes shifted down to my lips before flickering back up to my eyes. "Do you want to kiss me, Ariana?"
"Yes," I breathed as my face inched towards his.
"Damn, wasn't our couch sex enough!" Harry teased. I let out a loud squeal in embarrassment before I broke into fits of laughter. My hand wrapped the collar of his soaked t-shirt as I let the laughter shake through me. Harry held both sides of my face as we both laughed uncontrollably at his remark. "I'm just kidding, babe. Now kiss me woman!"
This kiss wasn't anything slow or heated, it was a mess and mostly teeth because our smiles were to wide at this point to even share a kiss. We didn't care if the rain was the heaviest it had been yet, we didn't care if we were going to get sick, we were both completely content with what we had and we were the happiest we had been yet. Although our relationship was sometimes dysfunctional and it had taken a while for us to get here, it was perfect in every way possible. Our love made every obstacle, every trouble, every one of our losses, completely worth it.
A contented sigh pushed past my lips at that particular memory because right after that night we had gotten sick. It was actually quite strange to think about all these memories and to not feel a thing. It was relieving yet terrifying.
I finally accepted that these memories were to never fade.
Memories are the only things us humans can hold onto for a lifetime, for they never fade like people do.
-
UPDATE:
I HAVE NO MORE SCHOOL IM FINALLY ON SUMMER VACATION THANK YOU JESUS
THIS ALSO MEANS FASTER UPDATES/THE ENDING OF CLUELESS/THE LAUNCHING OF RELIANCE
btw I hope you're listening to the music that I list above because they sorta match the chapter as you read along !
ANOTHER THING I REALLY CANT THANK YOU ALL ENOUGH FOR EVERY READ/VOTE/COMMENT THEY ALL MAKE ME SO HAPPY AND I CANT EVEN BEGIN TO EXPLAIN HOW HAPPY YOU ALL MAKE ME I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH AND THANK YOU FOR STICKING WITH ME ALL THE WAY UP TO HERE BECAUSE WERE ALREADY UP TO CHAPTER 55 LIKE I REMEMBER BEING ON CHAPTER 20 LIKE YESTERDAY LOL AND I JUST THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT AND LOVE BECAUSE EVER SINCE I HAVE STARTED WRITING CLUELESS I HAVE GROWN AS A PERSON AND WRITING HAS REALLY BEEN MY GO-TO MOST OF THE TIME AND MY WRITING SKILLS HAVE GOTTEN MUCH BETTER FROM WHEN I BARELY BEGAN WRITING THIS STORY (it's tru reread the beginning of this story there's so much spelling errors and things I need to correct its embarrassing lol) AND I JUST LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH
things are about to change in Clueless and im spoiling it but this next chapter will be the most important chapter of this whole book. that is all im saying. stay tuned because things are coming, big things.
All the love x