Everyone saw the pictures over the winter break.
Having them put it out for all to see felt like a sin. They were blurry with rain and taken from afar but the scene was still clear to everyone.
He looked beautiful, he was beautiful, as he stood alone his feet digging into the muddy ground. It was merciful that you couldn't see his eyes, they were so red but he still didn't cry once, he couldn't.
The rain in Belgium was heavy that day his coat soaked. A flower grasped so hard in his fists the thorns had long since embedded themselves and made a home in his skin. It was cinematic and beautiful but it was ugly all the same.
It was ugly in the way he stood there alone, in the way that the blood from the thorns dripped to the ground, in the way it was stolen by a mediocre photographer and plastered everywhere.
here he was It was Amadeus completely vulnerable all for the world to see.
And they will see him because just like that a week later Amadeus was walking the paddock in Australia trying to act like everything was perfectly fine.
His mother hadn't just died. Everything was fine.
........
Amadeus would say he was a good actor, great even. If no one knew he had buried his mother a week prior they would have never guessed. But the problem was that they did know. everyone knew.
All eyes were on him, pats on the back, and empty words meant to comfort him.
"she's in a better place," someone said.
Amadeus couldn't help the chuckle that left his lips at the sound of these words.
rose was not in a better place because if she was then the bar must be truly on the floor.
He wanted to cope as he always did. Push everything down and focus on racing, he had a new team and expectations to live up to and that is what he wanted to lose himself in. Unfortunately the freshness of everything and being thrown into the spotlight almost immediately after was not helping.
So he spent the entire conference fiddling with his ring and waiting for the pleasantries thrown at him to pass, waiting for the man sitting next to him to stop staring at him like he was going to erupt at any moment.
...
daniel watched intently as the boy sat next to him.
He heard the news he saw all the posts made by f1 by Redbull honoring their late engineer one of the best in the history of Redbull. But Daniel also saw the pictures he saw how tense Amadeus was.
Now he was sat next to him at the pre-race conference. all his answers were short and clipped. Daniel looked at him as he shook his head at another "I'm so sorry for your loss" his hair fell in front of his face. He had cut it. The long black hair that used to flow down his back was now cut to barely graze his shoulder.
He looked so much older.
Daniel remembers vividly the first time he met Amadeus. He remember the quiet 18-year-old that Christian dragged towards him. A lanky kid with the longest hair Daniel had seen on a boy and eyes that carried a glint of excitement and youth. Now the Amadeus sitting next to him was so obviously not a kid with a sharp face, the glint in his eyes was long gone.
Daniel was snapped out by the interviewer's question.
"Amadeus first and foremost my deepest condolences truly Rose was one of the greatest engineers in redbull and I know that she will be missed dearly by all of us"
Daniel watched Amadeus. His gaze hardened his jaw locked. Only a slight nod to let the interviewer continue.
"How are you approaching this season with your move to Lamborghini after a phenomenal two years at McLaren and with everything that's been going on."
"I will do what I always do i will give my all to the team and that will be my one focus to get the best results I can out of the car" the Belgian voice filled the otherwise silent room.
"why Lamborghini?"
"..sorry?"
"You started your career in Torro Rosso, and you were even better than Max you could have replaced Kvyat but you refused, then you moved to McLaren and drove a tractor yet somehow won third place in both the constructors and the championship, and yet when your contract is out you could have replaced Daniel raced a car that you know is fast a car your mother has designed, but you refuse again... So my question is as I am sure many are wondering, why not Red Bull?"
Daniel knew the answer the real answer he had gotten from Amadeus when Christian sent him last year to try and convince him to take the Redbull offer.
" If I'm gonna be the best I'm not gonna do it there, I'm gonna do it on my terms, not on hers "
so Daniel couldn't help his small smile as he heard the pr answer.
"Max is doing great and I'm sure Alex will do the same...there is no place for me there not that I want there to be." he smiles
" and it is not cash, what Lamborghini offers me is something way more important to me than that and hopefully, we can achieve something great together"
Daniel got a few questions here and there but the eyes were all on Amadeus and the more they asked the more he watched the walls around him grow higher
Daniel knew what everyone in this room did not. The people in this room knew Rose the engineer the pretty Belgian with blond hair the one that made bullets for cars. They praised the ground that graced her. but They didn't hear the constant fights that came from Amadeus's driver room back when he was in Torro Rosso. They didn't see the faint marks her hands left on his face.
Not that Amadeus knew that Daniel had seen any of that.
No Amadeus would hate him if he knew.
when it was over Daniel watched as Amadeus slipped out quickly his manager beside him.
..
He found himself at the hotel bar with Max later that night. They didn't drink of course seeing as it was a race weekend but they did eat some dinner as they had promised each other to have a little catch-up after the break.
They were about to leave when Daniel caught a familiar black-haired boy sitting at the bar.
"Hey mate you go I'm just gonna do something" he nudges Max, who follows his gaze to the bar nodding his head slightly before he walks off.
as he approached he heard Amadeus's frustrated voice seemingly arguing on the phone, he couldn't tell what was being said because he was speaking in Dutch but just seeing the way his fist clenched told him it was not good.
Daniel was thinking of leaving him be when Amadeus abruptly ended the call and put his phone down.
"Are you okay?" he found himself saying.
daniel watched as Amadeus startled slightly and looked at him.
"wha- yeah yeah okay, as okay as I can be right now"
"Well I mean you aren't okay None of this is okay I mean just you seemed angry"
Amadeus rubbed a hand violently down his face.
"yeah my mom's lawyer and the will and a bunch of shit I don't have time for, I wasn't planning my season around my mother dying"
Daniel cringed slightly
"I have a good lawyer...maybe make things a bit easier"
"It's okay thanks mate but you know...nothing was ever easy with her"
Daniel sighed he wasn't good at this.
"if you need to talk or you know, what you are going through isn't easy"
it was like that sentence was the final straw to the boy's composure.
Amadeus looked down at his hands. He watched slowly as his shoulders slumped and his head moved down into his hands.
he exhaled out a chuckle as he looked back at Daniel.
"you know what sucks...I don't even hate her"
"fucking hell I should hate her but I don't, a sick part of me misses her"
"It's okay Deus, she was your mother," Daniel said moving his hand to rest on the boy's shoulder.
"She was a shit mother but, I spent all day hearing people fucking...kissing the ground she walked on, a woman cried to me today... about how much she inspired her, I didn't know what to say...I wish this was the way I remembered her"
"I'm so sorry-"
Amadeus sighed
"Daniel please don't try to...coddle me... just sit here, stay here... but don't do any sorry's I can't hear that anymore just..please can you talk to me about anything else"
Amadeus looked exhausted, he was trying to compose himself again but his eyes were almost pleading with Daniel to do anything.
So Daniel sat there filling the silent void with stories he had just told Max about his winter break. Little fragments of his life, and stupid things he knows. And if Amadeus's eyes silently shed tears as he laughed at one of Daniels's jokes he pretends he didn't see them.