**Please note, this chapter will feature non-graphic discussion of memories depicting domestic abuse, rape, abortion and suicide which may be upsetting for some readers. Please proceed with caution and skip the chapter if necessary. Your mental wellbeing will always come first**
Two nights passed, sleepless and filled with the sounds of Eibhlin's screams. I had watched the guards change shifts as a means of telling how much time had passed, a trick I had learned during my time on the Dark Aster. Odin had come down with some of the alchemists and mages to imbue the dungeon walls with stronger magic, though not strong enough, it seemed to keep Mother away.
The glow of her Seiðr from Eibhlin's cell was almost a nightly comfort; the warm green color with shimmers of gold and blue was something I waited to see each night while I sat on the ledge of the window, as close as I dared get to the enchantments. Every night when I saw the soft glow illuminate the darkened cell, I looked at the worn leather book. I thought about opening it, of trying again as Mother had urged yet I was afraid to know. What if she was wrong, what if I was wrong... Worse yet, what if Sif had been right four years ago when she'd said that love wasn't a waste and that I wouldn't see or accept it until I too was forced to love someone from afar... Little did she or anyone else know that I had already been doing that for roughly forty years.
As the third night settled in, I moved to sit once more at my breakfast table to wait for Mother's Seiðr to shine from Eibhlin's cell. Instead, I was greeted by her voice.
"Hello, dear boy." I rose, maintaining my composure as best I could as I moved swiftly to embrace her. I knew my arms would go right through her, but it was the closest I would get to holding her, and for now... For now, it was enough. When my arms didn't go through her, I felt her hand come to rest on the back of my head. "Oh, sweetheart..."
"You need to teach me how to project illusions such as this..."
"I have gifted you books to help you learn. I saw you need such."
I smirked, nodding. "Of course, you did." Pulling back slightly, I kept my hands on her slender shoulders. "Why have you graced me with your presence instead of Eibhlin tonight?"
"Your sister is not the only one who is in need of a mother's love at this moment. Nor is she the only one I worry after." She patted my cheek and I was immediately returned to a moment in my childhood where Odin had allowed Thor to hold Gungnir while I had once again been banished to my room for the day; for what I could not remember, though I didn't doubt that it was as inane as the punishment itself. Mother had come to check on me. Having found me longingly looking out into the gardens at the display of affection from Odin I would never receive, she had plucked a daffodil from a vase on one of the nightstands and turned it into a frog. "You look tired, my son."
"Do I? Uh, I guess I am a little, yeah..."
"Still worrying about your sister-"
"Please don't!... Don't call her that..."
She hummed softly, once more cupping my face in her hands. "Are we finally done fighting it?"
I sighed, I didn't know how to explain that in some ways I was done fighting it, yet in others I still couldn't accept that I was deserving of her; that I somehow wouldn't damage her too if I allowed myself to admit my feelings. "Maybe... I don't know. I just know that it... Feels wrong to have her referred to as my sister when how I feel toward her is... very unbrotherly."
Her soft laugh made me smile against my will. "Have you tried the book?"
Shaking my head, I moved and lifted it carefully. "I... I've been-"
"Trust me, it will work. There is no reason to be so afraid."
"You say that like it's easy..."
"Nothing is ever easy, love in particular is not. But it is worth it."
"Is it? I wouldn't know... I've never received any before." Her icy eyes stared daggers into me then and I cleared my throat, quickly setting the book back down. "What do I even say? 'Hello Eibhlin, I've been in love with you for nearly forty years now but it took my being locked away and tortured for two years to realize it'? Because that's positively romantic. Probably should have mentioned it before we were separated for the rest of eternity, though."
Mother was unamused as she scolded me further. "Say what you feel, clearly and succinctly. There's no need to beat around the bush in an attempt to win her over with subtle hints any more than there is a need to pontificate. She knows you; she loves you. Just tell her you love her back." My hesitation was the opening she needed as she took my hand. "I need your permission to share something with you."
It took me a moment to understand, but when I did, I couldn't help but feel uncertain. "Mother if this has to do with Eibhlin's past-"
"No. That is something she must tell you more on her own, though I am surprised she has not. You've never admitted how much you know, have you?" I shook my head as she sighed. "You two truly are perfectly matched... Close your eyes."
I scowled but obeyed. I could feel the warmth of her Seiðr penetrate my mind, instantly filling it with memories she'd held close during the nearly two years I had been missing. I saw Eibhlin lying at the edge of the rainbow bridge a few feet from Heimdall as he urged her to eat, simultaneously holding her back from jumping at least several times. I watched as she sat beside Thor in the east tower, inconsolable as she beat bitterly against his chest whilst blaming herself and crying out that it should have been her instead. Eibhlin bitterly reminding others of my name long after many had moved on; how she had slept each night in one of my tunics. I listened as she had told Thor that she tried harder with spear and dagger not because they felt the most natural of all the weapons he had offered her thus far, but because they had been mine and she wanted to honor me. There was so much more yet the most gripping images she showed me came last.
Eibhlin sat at the edge of the pier just as she had back in nineteen hundred and ninety-nine, only this time the floral garland and candle lay at her feet instead of floating off into the water as she sobbed. She wore a deep brown almost black dress, a mourning gown; she looked just as I had remembered her during my time on the Dark Aster. Still a girl right on the edge of full womanhood in her two-hundred and-twentieth year. I saw Hlíf come close to her, wrapping her arms around the girl as Eibhlin fell against her.
"I loved him, Hlíf... I loved him so much..." My heart broke hearing her words... She had loved me... But did she still?
The image changed a final time. Mother sat holding Eibhlin, now much closer to the young woman who had come to save me from myself. I listened as Mother told her that she hoped she knew that there would be nothing better for her as our Mother than to see me loved by someone who could understand me unlike any other.
"Is it wrong that I wanted to move on... to forget," I heard her ask, my heart skipping a beat with dread.
"All will be well, he will come back to us, to you..."
Mother exited my head then, leaving me with that comment as I shook my head as her Seiðr left me. I took a step back, staring at her as the illusion wavered. She was growing tired, I had to be careful and ask my questions quickly. I knew she had shown me this as proof of Eibhlin's love for me, yet it felt more like that of Thor's comment about how they had all mourned for me. They had thought me dead... That was why Heimdall had not answered me; there had not been a reason to seek out a dead man.
My mind tried to process that, to accept the gravity of such a reality. They had all truly believed I was dead... "Mother..."
"She never stopped hoping, not once. She had other admirers yet she paid them no mind, nor my attempts to suggest adequate pairings. All she has ever wanted, the only person she has ever truly cared for is you."
I sat down, my heart racing as I clutched my chest. My mind was flooded with all the little things she had done over the years that had been meant to show just how much she cared despite my backhanded compliments and feigned annoyance. My hands trembled as I brought them to my face, Mother's voice sounding so far away as she urged me to try the book while I was stuck in a raging flood of emotions. I felt shock, dread, pain, awe, elation, love... I felt love... I loved her. I loved her.
As I looked up to tell her this, I saw that I was once more alone; the book sitting on my table.
Hesitantly, I rose and moved from the reading chair that sat at the top of my bed to the one that sat where my food was often brought. I lifted the seal of the book, watching as it fell open; a strange, pale mint-green shimmer washing over the pages. It was either a promising sign or a foreboding one. Lifting the writing stick, I watched as it shook in my trembling hand. I set it back down, growling at myself. This was not difficult. I had written hundreds of things to her already, though they had all admittedly ended up in the fire.
With a defiant snarl at my idiotic mind, I lifted the twig once more and put it to the paper. Nothing more than a simple hello, yet as it sank into the paper, the mint shimmer growing brighter I couldn't help but to nod, impressed at my mother's abilities once more.
I wrote to Eibhlin at the start of every day to wish her a good morning in hopes that she'd finally open the book as well as each night when I heard her screaming. The rest of my day was filled with pouring over books as I searched for the answers on how to project more solid, intricate illusions. While I never found a solid answer, I diligently practiced what I did learn with Bjørn's help. We started small, just seeing if I could cast an illusion outside of the cell. It took several days to do so without the heightened spells Odin had ordered be imbued into the glass burning me, yet once I managed to do so the goal moved to be able to cast such an illusion into Eibhlin's cell. While that venture did not take as long to accomplish, the exhaustion that followed such a feat was incredible.
"Do you think you'll be able to master this by her day of birth, Your Highness?"
"I do not know Bjørn, but I am going to continue trying." The soldier had nodded as he placed the bowl of fresh fruit and nuts on my table along with additional books of poetry from Mother that he had had to hide in his armor. Odin still was not pleased with me nor her by extension as she had continued to find ways to visit despite him attempting to stop her from what little Bjørn was able to tell me. This never stopped her from visiting though, not now when I was determined to spend Eibhlin's natal day with her in the only way I possibly could.
"That's it, concentrate.... Concentrate..." I snarled, the illusion fading as Mother sighed. "Perhaps we could turn your washbasin into a pyre as I use."
"I doubt we could hide such a thing."
"Then you doubt yourself."
The sigh of exasperation that escaped me then was one I could not hide no matter how hard I tried. "Why is this so difficult?"
"Because you are rushing," her voice was calm yet carried a hint of her own frustration. "You have a natural inclination toward this type of magic and you always have, yet when you rush all of your confidence flutters away. So take your time."
"There isn't enough time. Eibhlin's natal day is in less than a week. No one will be permitted to see her, to offer her the one thing she needs most right now."
"And you expect to do what? Sit and watch her?"
"It would be better than her being alone."
"Better than you being alone, you mean?" I took a step back at her words, her eyes roving over my face.
"This isn't about me..."
"Yet it is. I think if you were to ask the gods, they would agree with you that I was never there for either of you as I should have been. That no amount of wishing or gifts will ever make up for the loneliness you both had to endure, yet I may take solace in knowing that you had one another. Even in the smallest of ways."
"That still doesn't-"
"You, my dear boy, perhaps felt that loneliness the heaviest of my children," she continued, pacing softly. "Always in a shadow, secrets kept from you that never should have been, left to your own devices as you watched and listened saying nothing; waiting and hoping that perhaps someone else would say something first that would remind you of your worth." She paused looking at me, her eyes once more washing over my face. "I should have told you more than just how worthy I thought you were... Perhaps that would have helped."
I stopped her hands from touching my face again, sorrowfully turning away from her. "Not lying to me would have helped more."
Silence. I hated it... I felt my hands clench beside my thighs as I closed my eyes and took slow steadying breaths.
"Loki... I cannot change the past, no matter how much I wish I could. I can gift you a better future, one that you would not have to fight so hard for."
"You cannot gift me her heart, no matter what you believe."
"I have no illusions as to this. I cannot gift what has already been so freely given."
"What if it's not the right sort of love?"
"Has the book not worked?"
I frowned, pacing opposite her. "That's the problem; it has..."
Mother froze then, turning to face more once more. "Loki... Do you remember what I told you and Thor when you were children?"
"You told us many things, you will need to be more specific."
"About love... About what to search for?"
I paused. I could remember the conversation well; it had been the biggest reason I had known that my relationship with Sif was doomed from the beginning. "You said that we should find something we could hold tightly to, even if all the world wished us to let it go; someone who would be there for us even when we could not be there for ourselves... Someone who was not just worth coming home to, but who was a home... Someone worth dying for."
"You may not believe that she is those things yet, but she thinks that of you." I stared at her, my hands shaking once more as I thought of the painting of her face I had made on the wall of my cell. "It's hard to tell the truth when you lie to yourself, something both of you have done for far too long. Yet the most haunting words I shall perhaps ever hear are those she uttered before she stood against that Frost Giant."
"What did she say," I asked hesitantly knowing that the words she was about to say were undoubtedly going to break my heart.
"She said 'you cannot have him'... She was willing to give her life to protect you, and she nearly did. When you arrived at her door that evening, I knew. I knew that I had not misread my visions; that I had brought you the woman you were destined to love and who was just as fated to love you back." She came close once more then. "All I have ever wanted for my children is their happiness; that is all that truly matters in the end. So, if you are not willing to give your life for Eibhlin with the same reckless abandon as she would hers for you, then I need you to stop wasting both of your days."
"I fell into a void for her... There was not a day that went by where I did not think of her," I said, tears stinging my eyes. "She kept me alive when I was alone, she is everything I have ever wanted... Eibhlin was, is, and always will be the only person who I would burn the Realms for if harm ever came to her."
Mother nodded, tears shimmering in her own eyes. "And that is why the Tvær Sálir Eitt Hjarta works for you. Now," she pushed the sleeves of her dress up higher; "let us try again, shall we? There is much to learn and very little time to do so."
Laying on my bed the night before Eibhlin's natal day I tossed a small cup up into the air and caught it, once more unable to sleep. Mother and I had managed to create a quality illusion, one to a place I could not see into her apartments. It was a promising development, yet I was anxious to attempt it in the morning. What if I failed? That was not something I wanted to stomach.
Bjørn excused himself to utilize the water closet after checking on Eibhlin and me, saying that I should use my new abilities for illusion to find him if something went a miss. Nothing would though, nothing ever did down here. A short time later, Eibhlin began to scream in her sleep. The woeful noise different from that of the panic attacks she suffered during the day while confined within her cell had become easier to distinguish the longer we were down here. I sat up, my slippers hitting the floor as I glanced toward the corridor between our cells. Bjørn had not yet returned, I would have to check on her myself. Taking a deep breath, I returned to a comfortable state on my bed to appear as uninterested as I had been when he had left and closed my eyes.
When I opened them again, I was standing in Eibhlin's cell across the room from her cot. She lay there on her side facing me, one hand tucked under her soft chin the other draped over her stomach in an olive-colored sleep dress that was far slightly too big as the neckline fell, exposing her freckled shoulder. She was drenched in sweat, her face flushed as if she had a fever; she shivered and whimpered as if terrified. I knelt beside her cot, kissing her shoulder in hopes of soothing her without waking her. The moment I moved away though, she began to cry out for help as she did every night, her hands moving as if trying to push something away or worse, claw something from her body. I cupped her cheek, softly stroking her bottom lip with my thumb as she shuddered awake, panting heavily as tears glistened in the corner of her eyes.
Her eyes met mine as I pushed some of her damp hair from her face, her lips forming my name though she said nothing. "Shhhh, Little Dove. You are safe... I'm here... I'm here, Little Dove," I told her softly as I ran my knuckles gently along her cheekbone. "Go back to sleep. You are safe." I covered her shivering body with the blanket, wishing I had others to place on her.
She cooed, that was the only way to describe the sound that fell from her lips as she nuzzled into my hand while snuggling up once more. "Good night... Loki..." she muttered sleepily.
"Sleep well, Eibhlin... My Little Dove..."
I had managed to spend most of Eibhlin's natal day with her just as I had hoped. The subject matter of our conversation, however, had been much... heavier and far less festive than I had hoped. Hearing of what Eibhlin had endured in her mortal life before Mother had brought her here was far worse than hearing it from Hlíf's all those years ago. I closed my eyes, recalling that night, the kitchen mistress' words forever engrained within my mind.
"Our little wildling is more than she seems. When the queen stumbled upon her in that farmer's field, she wasn't the tiny frail thing we were gifted fifty-one years ago; she was a beast the size of one of the ponies."
"Thus the ears, I take it?"
Hlíf had nodded. "That's what the Queen and Lord Heimdall believe. That isn't her only peculiarity though, do you know our little lady was once a mortal?" Åge's gasp had made me almost bump my head under the table thinking he had discovered me listening. "It's true. Queen saw it herself. Such a terrible way to die too... Lack of a father's love and protection..."
I opened my eyes, staring up at the ceiling of my cell as tears ran down my cheeks in the darkness.
"He claimed that I was a lust-inducing changeling and that he had to beat the sin from me, so he tried... When the beatings did not work, he moved on to something far more heinous..." I hadn't been able to stop myself from trying Mother's seemingly impossible Seiðr trick. I wanted to calm her mind, I knew it was wrong, but I had always hated watching her tremble in fear or pain. I had failed though; failed to manipulate her mind to calm her and instead I had linked our minds for a time, watching everything she remembered as if I was reliving it for her. I could feel the sting of the whip, hear the grouping of men chanting in the shadows around me as the eyes I saw through, Eibhlin's young, teary eyes, settled on the face of the man I assumed was her father. He smiled, aroused despite himself. It had made me sick and I had clung to Eibhlin tighter and tighter, trying my damnedest to tear us asunder.
I had broken us apart as I felt the wound she'd given to her stomach, the jolt of pain in my lower abdomen breaking the connection as I fought to maintain the rest of the illusion. My eyes had washed down to the place on her stomach where this had happened, the same place where she carried the smallest bit of extra weight still. Having seen what I had and feeling her memories of that time, I now knew why she had decided to stab herself there and why the small puff of body fat remained so stubbornly... Eibhlin had been carrying one of those men's children...
"So, our little lady was... cursed by her own kind then?"
"No, Lord Heimdall believes she was blessed; given a second chance at life and the tools necessary to protect others like her. Mortals didn't see it that way though."
"They never do," Åge huffed, lighting his pipe once more. "I don't understand how she came to be in the cage the Queen found her in though."
"That's because I haven't explained it yet. The mortals seem to think such creatures keep church grounds safe from demons and protect their dead. So, if they can catch one or a mutt that looks liken to one, they sacrifice it as they lay the foundation and bury it there or in the northmost corner of their graveyards."
"I remember hearing tales of such atrocities, never thought they were more than just ghost stories the mortals told one another... So the Queen saved her then?"
"Not for many years... She was left to rot in that cage, the poor dear. Something about being the wrong sort of sacrifice, but they'd already beaten her within an inch of her life... Queen says she's lucky she got there when she did; poor thing wouldn't have made it through their winter..."
My gaze lingered on the ceiling once more as that soft green glow illuminated the room. I rolled over and lifted the book from the floor, opening it. She had seen my message to her about how I would have given anything to hold her all night long but that as soon as I fell asleep, the illusion would end; how I hoped that even so, I had given her some comfort for a restful night's sleep.
You have gifted me more peace than you shall ever know. Dream of me...
It was such a simple comment, yet it made my heart long for her even more.
Days turned to weeks, which turned to months, and before I knew it my natal day was approaching. Mother had continued to visit as often as she was allowed, though they had grown sparser and sparser after Midsummer. From what I managed to threaten out of Bjørn, Odin had threatened to confine her to his sanctum if she was caught visiting with the prisoners. Thor, as Bjørn told me, had been avoiding his father; utilizing his time to go galivanting about the Nine, drowning his sorrows in bloodshed. I tried to relay this information to Eibhlin, yet I didn't have the words to answer her questions regarding Thor when she posed an intriguing question: why was he roaming the Nine if the Bifróst had been restored and he could go and see his lady love? It was an excellent question, yet one I had not the answer nor even an idea for. Thor did as he pleased; always had, always would.
I continued my training even without Mother. I wanted her to be proud of me when she returned, wanted to continue to comfort Eibhlin to the best of my abilities; most importantly, I wanted to prove to myself that I truly could be more. That I was worthy just as I was; to Asgard, to Eibhlin, and myself. I wrote Eibhlin poems when I was too tired to continue while she drew me pictures in the Tvær Sálir Eitt Hjarta. She told me of the life she wanted with me, I told her of the places I wanted her to see across the Realms, and together, slowly, we began to find the light in the darkness of this world. She made the intolerable tolerable, just as she always had.
A week before my natal day, Mother was able to visit and with her, she brought Thor and Fandral. Both men walked past me without so much as a glance, Fandral carrying a bouquet of vivisteria and lilies. Of course, Fandral had been one of the other suitor's Mother mentioned Eibhlin having had while I was gone; he had always been inclined toward her, even if it was only because she reminded him of his late, mortal life, the Lady Marian of Leaford.
They did not stay long, from what I could see while pretending to listen to Mother, they stayed long enough for Thor to teach her a game made of hand gestures, though I had a feeling there was more to it than that. After everyone had left with promises to return for my natal day, I visited with Eibhlin myself. She taught me the game, laughing as I failed to understand her explanation.
"No, no; Rock does not beat Paper. The Paper covers the rock." She giggled, placing her hand atop my fist.
"This is a stupid game. The rock would simply sit upon the paper and trap it; it makes no sense."
"Thor returned to Midgard recently..." She admitted gently as we tried the game again, her laughter subsiding. "He did not visit with Jane."
"For Bor's sake, Eibhlin, you cannot always pick rock when it bests two of the options," I huffed as she explained once more that each only bested one. Mortal logic was ridiculous. "Why did he not visit with the mortal?"
"He would not say."
"Why do you think he did not?"
"You would have more insight to him than I."
I felt the smirk before it appeared on my face. "I do not believe that is as true as you would presume it to be."
She sighed, reclining back near me. My illusions had become firmer like Mother's. While I was still not capable of holding all of Eibhlin's weight in this state, I was able to hold her or have her head rest upon my lap or shoulder; something she had taken to as effortlessly as I had taken to thinking of her at all hours of the day. "I think... Well, I worry that he has not gone to see her because he is afraid that she will be upset that he did not seek her out after everything that happened when we came for you."
"That was not his fault," I had hesitated to speak. She was trying to be kind, as she always was, yet this... this was not something she should have been kind to me about. "And if she loves him as much as he seems to love or have loved her, then I see no reason why there could not be forgiveness."
"Like the forgiveness I have given you?"
"You mean the forgiveness I did not nor do deserve?" Her mossy eyes rolled as she shook her head at me, her beautiful ears relaxing against her head. I kissed the closest one softly, watching as it shivered. "Fight it all you wish, yet you know that such a kindness is something I have not earned."
"And you may fight it all you wish, yet my heart will never be able to accept that you would have done as you did had you not fallen from the bridge; had someone not twisted you into believing that that was the only way."
"You see far too much good in me where there is none," I kissed her shoulder through the thick wool of her tunic.
"And you are blinded to all the good you could do by years of pain and betrayal."
"How do you not become so jaded to this world then?"
"You..." She said softly, touching my face. "And Mother... and Thor."
I smiled lazily, sighing as I pulled her closer. "Show me the game again..."