Bailey
The interview dropped at 5pm sharp. It helped a little bit, I was being defended a little more thankfully, especially because it was established early on he and I were longtime friends, but there was still speculation. It's precisely why I have barely been on my phone today and left my house once, now sitting in my childhood room eating popcorn and watching a movie with Danny and Arya.
Also feeling like a major third wheel but whatever.
"So you and my brother aren't fucking?"
"Do you have any sort of filter?" Danny questions with a mouthful of popcorn.
"No, get used to it." She states, looking at him before turning her attention back to me, "So?"
"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response," Shaking my head at her. She of all people should know that neither of us would ever cross that line.
"Liv was pissed so I guess it's not all bad,"
"No that's very bad." I sent a glare her way. "Look Arya I understand you don't like her but regardless she's your brothers girlfriend and you need to respect that. Aside from that, this may be selfish of me, but if they breakup anytime soon imagine the amount of shit I am going to get for it."
"Or, just hear me out, they break up you work your ass off to get my brother back and the universe is restored and all live happily ever after,"
I know she is joking and I know she wants to make light of the situation but that right there does the opposite. It hurts knowing that will never happen, it would be so beyond selfish of me to let that happen, no matter what I might want and the reminder of that just makes it worse.
Danny immediately noticed how I go quiet, suggesting we turn another movie on. I decide to take a break, leaving to grab more popcorn.
The house was quiet, for the first time in days, everyone was out doing their own thing. My brothers with their significant others, my parents on a date night. Ty and Wes both had work meetings, it was nice to have a second of quiet.
But I missed everyone. I never minded being being alone before, I was okay by myself and I still am, but seeing everyone find their person makes me want something more. Sure I have my job, and my family but I want a life with someone. Even with Vince, I had someone. I mean shit, I feel like I'm third wheeling my two best friends right now. I just want my person.
So walking upstairs, I decide to visit the one who was.
"Hey guys, I think I'm going to go on a walk?" Stepping into my room I place the bowl on my bed beside them. Noticing the two significantly closer than before I left.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah I just need some air, besides it's night I think I'm safe from any pictures," I paste a smile on my face grabbing a sweatshirt and sending them a suggestive look "Have fun,"
Arya rolls her eyes but Danny just grins and nods, earning a real laugh out of me. I loved the guy to no end.
The cemetery wasn't far from my house, and the night was nice enough that the mile there felt refreshing. My heart didn't feel heavy until I saw the entrance, and I pushed myself to keep walking straight to the known headstone.
"Hey Jordy," I pick at the grass around me, "I don't know what I'm doing right now, and it's times like this where I'm really pissed you died because you would literally smack me and then give me some really good advice," I feel my eyes well up but I will myself not to let the tears fall, "Though I don't think I'd be in this situation to begin with if none of that happened."
The wind blows around me, so I decide to lay down and wrap up in the old hoodie I'd found.
"I still have feelings for him Jordy,"
It's the first time I'm speaking those words. I haven't wanted to acknowledge it, but after that night with him and his teammates I couldn't ignore it. When I'd get asked to dance by any other man, I'd deny it because there was only one I actually wanted to dance with.
My feelings for him never left, even eight years later, a few weeks in his presence and I'm back to how I used to be in so many ways. The worst though, I can't do anything about it.
I have never been in the spotlight, and now I am in the worst possible fucking way because everyone knows what I now have to deny.
"And he's getting fucking married. How fucked up am I, having feelings for an engaged man? The same man I left. I have no right to mourn the relationship that I ruined but I am, so so much."
The wind blows again, like he's answering me. He's not, the wind has blowing all day but in this moment, it's a comfort that I need.
"Sometimes I wish it was me instead of you." I always have. He would've been amazing had he been given the time. This time I couldn't blink back the tears. "Eveything I have done, you were the first thing on my mind, knowing that you should be there too,"
So I laid there and cried. This was what I needed after a day like today, where everywhere I looked I was reminded of something I'll never have.
I willed myself this morning to go over there, when I know I should avoid him. Everyday I'm around him is another day I feel myself growing more and more attached. He is the definition of good, and kind and I am clearly not, he deserves someone who is.
I don't know when I did but I fell asleep, right then laying in a cemetery as morbid as it may be, it was peaceful, my mind had a minute to go quiet. And I didn't wake until I was scared out of my mind at the feeling of someone nudging me, though instantly calming at the voice of who it was.
"Belle what are you doing here?"
"You scared the hell out of me," hand on my chest, I'd shot up at the wake up immediately on alert.
I didn't even realized I'd fallen asleep.
"It's almost one in the morning and cold as hell why are you asleep in a fucking cemetery?" Almost as if it were second nature, he takes off the jacket he was wearing and tossed it around my shoulder before sitting across from me in the grass.
"I didn't mean to fall asleep, I just needed to get out of my house." My heart was still racing. For a second I was thrown back to the violent wake ups I used to have.
"I'm sorry I scared you," he says quietly, "I got freaked out, I thought something happened,"
"It's okay," I nod, "I just accidentally fell asleep , who knew our best friends grave would be so comfortable?" I didn't mean to joke, but what else was I supposed to say? 'yeah I'm here because I realized I still have feelings for you and freaked the fuck out'...yeah no.
He just stares at me though, before bursting out laughing.
"Very fitting for him," he adds through his wheezing laugh.
He was here all of three minutes, and immediately my mood was lifted. It's just him.
The two of us quiet after a second, neither of us not really knowing what to say.
"Why are you here?"
"Liv and I just got back from our dinner, I needed to relieve some stress and the gym is closed so here I am," he huffs, looking anywhere but me.
So I take it it didn't go well.
"How was she?"
"Pissed as expected, she barely talked to me," he nods as if accepting his fate.
"She's got to know it isn't true right?"
"She does, but her image is understandably important to her and so is her reputation and I fucked that part up for her I guess,"
"What's she say?"
"What? Before or after calling me a fucking idiot?" That same smile was on his face but is was so far from happy, he was defeated it was obvious.
"I'm sorry Co, I never meant for this to happen,"
"Come on now, it's not your fault." He nudged my foot with his own, "No one's at fault it's just a shit situation, I'll figure it out though Bails I promise."
"I think we might have to let it run its course, I mean unless I start seeing someone and we avoid each other completely it's not going away," I wrap the old carhartt jacket around me even more at the cool wind that blows around us.
"Do you want that?" He looks hurt that I'd even suggest it and I hate that he'd believe even for a second that it'd something want. Years ago he would have laughed at the idea, there was no way we could've avoided each other for more than day if we tried.
"God no, I don't want that. But if it helps you and your relationship then I'm willing to if that's what it comes down to on your end Co,"
"You know it's annoying how self sacrificing you are," He just looks at me, like he was observing my every move. "I don't care if that's what helps me or my relationship, that is my responsibility not yours. I ne-" He paused, choosing his next words carefully. "I want you in my life Belle, regardless of what Liv, or anyone else says,"
Did Liv not?
I'd understand why honestly. But Nicks words ring in my mind, not that I would but if it came down to it, and he needed to stay away, I wouldn't go anywhere even if he never came back to me. I would wait.
"Hey, I do things for myself,"
The look on his face says he doesn't believe me at all.
"Okay then what was the last thing you did for yourself?"
"I went to your fundraiser,"
"No that was for me, we're talking about you Princess," he grins, picking at the grass around him.
I sit there and think. He takes that as a win, the grin growing on his face.
"Exactly,"
"I went to a musical," I say at the same time, "It was footloose,"
"And how long ago was that?"
...When I was dating Vince.
Now this silence is his actual win and he knows it.
"You're going to do something for yourself this Summer, after the wedding and the planning and all this shit," He says, as if I actually will, "You deserve it Belle, even if you don't believe it,"
"It's annoying how right you think you are," I throw his words back at him.
"I am though," he simply shrugs. "I mean it, you don't go back to California until August, so tell me something right now you want to do and we'll do it,"
"Well Danielle wanted to go to-"
He just laughs and shakes his head. "I love the kid, but I don't care where she wants to go, right now I care where you want to go. Wherever you want and we'll go, we all will,"
"Don't you have a wife to get back to?"
"Fiancée,"
"Technicality,"
"Considering she left after our date night and didn't tell me where she's going, the only thing I have waiting for me is a quiet house," He leans back, making himself at home, "Answer,"
It takes me a second to think, where would I like to go?
"The beach house,"
"That's it?"
"Yeah,"
"You realize I can fly all of us anywhere right?"
"Yeah I know you pompous prick," I get a smile at that.
"There she is," and an eyeroll. "You seriously want to go to the beach house?"
"Yeah, it was our happy place growing up I could use that," I grin, "All of us there again, it could be fun. And before I say this I'll preface it with I am choosing it for me but I think everyone would have fun there, plus it'd get you and Liv away from all the cameras,"
"Then we'll go," he nods with finality. That was easier than I thought it'd be honestly.
We sat in silence after that. For a long time, so much so that I lay down and get comfortable again, I didn't want to go home just yet. And he does the same, keeping the distance we've had.
"I think Liv is going to break up with me,"
Well that's a fucking curve ball.
My head turns so quick to look at him I just about her whiplash. What the hell?
He reads my mind when I just stare at him, nothing emitting for my mouth.
"She's been distant, she has been for months. Or she's all over me, like overly affectionate. There's no in between and I thought coming here would help but it's just pissed her off even more than she was." Looking at the hurt on his face, and hearing the defeat in his voice is nearly heartbreaking.
When he loves, he loves with his whole heart, no one will treat you better than Caleb if he loves you, and knowing him he's willing to do damn near anything to keep her happy. He has.
"It's like nothing has been good enough for her, like I'm not good enough for her." He continues, releasing a breath, "I shouldn't be telling you this either, but my mom and sister don't like her and neither do your brothers and I know they'd be elated if we broke things off. I just need someone who's objective and surprisingly enough that's you," It's like he word vomits his stress out. Not knowing how to say what's in his mind correctly so it all spills out at once. I used to call it the Jordan effect. He could pull anything and everything out of you, I guess even in death it still works.
"How do you feel about it?" It's all I can say on this moment. He needs an objective perspective, I'll be that objective perspective. I will be whatever he needs me to be.
"Hurt, obviously I'm sad. I would never propose to someone I genuinely did not see a life with an now it all is failing. I want a life with someone I love, with a home and a family you know?"
I remember, he and I would talk about it all the time, where we'd live and the kids we'd have . Things are different now, but he can still have that, at least he still has that.
Some of us have lost that possibility.
"You can still have all of that Co, you're only twenty six, you'll find someone," I truly am at a loss for words right now as he looks at me and nods.
"You're right, i just thought she'd be it."
"Who knows maybe this is just a rough patch. You say I'm an over thinker but I think you might be even worse." This gets his lips to quirk up at least a little bit. "Aside from that, speaking from experience, that would be the dumbest thing she could ever do, and she doesn't seem like an idiot." I don't know if I should've said that or not, but I think he needed to hear it because he just nods and looks back up at the stars. Or what is visible through the night clouds.
I would kill to be in his head right now.
We'd been sitting out here for hours, it now nearing three thirty. I still had to get up at eight for the bachelor party but I didn't want to leave just yet, knowing I had to sooner rather than later.
I take the lull in our conversation to sit up.
"I think I should go back,"
"Yeah it's late," he agrees but doesn't move.
"You should too Co," at this he's sitting up and standing beside me.
"Yeah," he nods, "I'll walk you back."