L E V I
round sixteen ||
july 11th
[ 2:47 PM ]
"I choose you."
"But even if Charlotte chose me, would I stop running? Because I had her? Or would I end up like Dad and end up running toward things that'll hurt the both of us?"
Charlotte can't seem to stop grinning. The decision has seemed to fill her with peace and relief, but I find I can't think of anything else except the tremendous shock traveling through my system. Ambrose was wrong? But what about her with Quentin? Didn't she choose him? If she didn't choose him, did she eliminate him? Am I the only one left?
Did she just hang all of her hope on me?
She's waiting for me to say something, anything. Her hands are shaking as she delicately places them into mine. I feel her tighten her grip, intertwining our fingers. She's looking at me as if she knows how I'll answer, how I'll react, and she's hopeful in this. She's looking at me as if she's never had eyes for anyone else, but I think I'm going to throw up.
Her brows furrow at my silence. She's waiting so patiently, but my mouth won't open. I can imagine the hurt flashing in her eyes, much like when we were back in the garage when she came to surprise me. We made it through that fight. But that was nothing compared to this moment.
Here I thought she was coming to tell me to leave and instead I found her telling me to stay? Forever?
With her?
Everything inside screams yes. Of course I'd rather stay here. Of course I'd rather be with her. Of course, of course, of course, but still I can't answer. Because I'm running and it's as if Charlotte is telling me to stop but I don't know how to do anything else. She's pulling on me to stop, to slow down, to love her, but my feet won't stop because they know the truth. They know the hurt and pain down the road that is inevitable.
They know that I can't stop running to be with her, because I have to run to stop myself from turning into Dad. And if I stopped now, how soon would it be before I became him?
"I—" I manage, but I swallow, cutting myself off. Charlotte sits up expectantly, hand gripping mine tighter. "I'm... I don't know what to say," I admit, letting out a breath, struggling to keep my voice level. "Are you sure, Charlotte?"
She doesn't hesitate, unlike how I know she's been feeling since we came back from the home visit. "I'm sure." Now her gaze drops to her feet, no longer able to meet my eye. Ever so slowly, she faces me once more, her voice low as she continues, "I love you, Levi." The emotion is her words break me, and I squeeze her hands tighter.
I meet her gaze, my eyes filling with tears.
"Levi?" she asks softly, but the only thing I can hear is a ringing in my ears.
"Hmm?"
"Are you okay?"
I shake my head, taking back my hand to comb through my hair. "It's just... it's a lot." I clear my throat, needing to look away from her and gather my thoughts. But it's hard with her holding my other hand and staring at me so intensely, I swear, my heart will explode. "Charlotte," I start, swallowing. "Why? Why me?"
I didn't expect the small amount of hurt to cross her face before she attempts to explain.
"Sorry," I murmur, yanking myself away from her grasp, scooting on the creeper until I have removed myself from under the car. I sit up, putting my face in my hands before I hear Charlotte move as well. I stand quickly, distancing myself from her as she comes into view. She watches me with a solemn expression on her face, as if she knows the extent of the war inside of me.
Maybe she does. Maybe I'm not hiding it well enough. Maybe everything is clearly written on my face and she's about to make the decision to let me go instead. I still can't determine which is worse, if she let me go or held onto me.
Ambrose's words fight their way into my memory. I was the best person for her, Levi. I glance over to Charlotte, the pit in my stomach growing. She can't even see that. What makes you think you can be if I'm being eliminated?
"Is—" I take in a breath. "Is everyone else gone?"
She nods. "Yes. There's no else here, but you."
I look at my feet. She's hanging all of her hope on me.
"What if—" My hands are shaking so I place them behind my back. "What if they were better for you?" I whisper in horror, wondering if all along, Ambrose was right. If he truly was the best person for her, the best person for this nation, the best person for the role of the king. Then where would that leave me as the person Charlotte chose?
Should I have simply just left on my very first day here?
"You deserve better," I whisper, staring at my hands. My hands, so dirty and covered in tattoos and grease. Hands that aren't meant to hold someone like Charlotte.
"That's what you don't get," she says, and she's exasperated. She crosses the room to stand in front of me. "I don't care if I deserve better, because I want you."
I lift my head. She takes my hand.
"There is nothing better than you."
Before I can respond, before I can tell her every reason why I'm not better for her, she has pressed her lips against mine, holding onto me and pressing her body closer. For a moment, I can only stand there in shock as she kisses me, but then I lean into her, hands wrapping around her waist.
"Wait," I find myself whispering, pulling away, the emotion clogging my throat. Charlotte falls back onto her feet, hands still around my neck, watching me silently. "I still need— I still need time." She pulls her hands away. "I'm sorry." I hang my head, taking a step back.
"I-I understand," Charlotte whispers, and my head lifts in surprise.
I nod back, working my mouth, turning to the exit of the garage. Before I convince myself to stay, I turn around and head back toward the castle.
—
"Levi, please come in."
I was not expecting the summation from King Will, but I find myself in his office at midnight, closing the door behind me as I face him. The office is dimmed significantly, and I can hardly see his face as I take a seat in one of the many cushioned armchairs.
"Make yourself comfortable," he says curtly, straightening himself in his own chair.
It's hard to get comfortable, and it's not because of the chair. It's because I am assuming he knows what happened this afternoon, and this meeting will tell me whether or not he wants me as his future son-in-law. He will either accept me or he will send me away.
"Charlotte has told me of your... dilemma," he starts, leaning forward in his chair. He looks away, taking in a deep breath. "I suppose I should have known from the very beginning that she would choose you." He meets my gaze. "But I see it's you who has refused her. I may even begin to like you a little for it, Mr. Hernandez." He grins, as if he just told a joke, but I know he's serious.
"I have not refused her," I say, crossing my arms over my chest. "I simply... need time."
He nods. "Yes. She has said as much." He almost looks disappointed. "Now, Mr. Hernandez, I am about to suggest something that not even Charlotte herself knows about. And I need you to consider these next words very seriously." Any pretense of a smile has now vanished, and he stares at me with a rigid expression. "Am I understood?"
I nod sharply.
"Now, obviously, I am thinking of my daughter as I say this..." he prefaces before continuing, "I wish to send you home... for a few days. To give you some time to think about Charlotte's offer without the pressure of seeing her every day as you hope to reach a conclusion." I am surprised at his offer, but before I can express this, he continues, not finished, "There would be a limit, of course, to how long you could be away. I am willing to offer you five days. At the end of those five days, a car will be sent for you. If you come back then, we shall all know your answer."
I swallow.
"And if you do not return..." His eyes slowly find mine. "We shall also know your answer."
I clasp my hands together, resting them on my lap, weighing my options.
"You do not have to take my offer... but I am suggesting you do. Time away may be a good thing for you, as well as Charlotte." King Will takes in a deep breath. "To figure out what is best for you... and what is best for Charlotte." His gaze pierces mine. "What do you think?"
I almost cannot believe he is giving me an option. It's my decision. Whether or not I go home for a few days to let me reach my decision. I am not sure how I feel about Charlotte not knowing about this arrangement.
"When would I have to leave?"
"Early tomorrow morning. It will start your first day."
I pause. "And will Charlotte be told?"
He nods. "Of course. I will tell her myself."
I shift uncomfortably. This is not what I was expecting when I came in here. I was not expecting the king to allow me options. I was expecting to come in and have him try to convince me, yet again, to refuse his daughter. I was expecting myself to be torn as I weigh his opinion and Abri's opinion and Charlotte's opinion, as well as my own opinion, but instead I find that he's offering me a way to think about my decision. And I expect he is hoping I will stay home at the end of those five days, but all I can think of is how grateful I am for this offer.
"I'll do it," I say, clearing my throat into the silence. "I'll leave tomorrow for a few days."
King Will smiles. "Wonderful. Bard will give you all of the flight information in the morning. No need to pack a bag. I assume you have plenty of belongings already at home." He stands, and I do the same. "I believe this is a good choice, Mr. Hernandez." He offers me a smile and a handshake.
I shake his hand back, but I find my smile nonexistent.
"Perhaps we will see each other in five days."
His smile is a little too smug.
"Perhaps," I humor, turning around, stepping out of the room, closing the door behind me.
july 12th
[ 4:34 AM ]
"Here you go," Bard says as he hands me my ticket. I grasp it, shoving it into my bag. I look up to meet his gaze, but he won't look at me. He stares off into the darkness surrounding us as I take the final step down the stairs from the castle. The car beside me is running, offering the only sound in the dead of this early morning.
I didn't sleep at all last night. I thought that making the decision to leave would offer some sort of peace but all it did was send me further into a restless night. I spent all last night tossing and turning and packing up everything I brought and then unpacking everything I brought.
"Hey, Bard," I say, clasping a hand on his shoulder. He turns to face me, finally. "I'll see you soon."
He scoffs. "Don't make promises you aren't willing to keep, Hernandez." His jaw tightens. "Just..." He takes in a deep breath. "Just remember, Levi, how much this will hurt her if you don't show up again. If you don't come back."
I swallow. "I know."
"So come back. For her."
"I'll try my best," I offer, but it sounds terrible, even to my own ears.
He nods. He knows I can't promise anything more. I give him a quick hug and watch as he walks back up the stairs, disappearing inside. I turn back to the car, releasing a deep breath. I look past the car to the surrounding grounds and feel a faint smile grow on my face.
I am about to get into the car when I hear, "Levi!"
I turn just in time to watch as Charlotte squashes me into a hug. I am too stunned and she pushes me back against the car, crushing me in a fierce embrace. I wrap my arms around her, leaning into her and her touch. "Charlotte," I whisper. "Why are you up this early? You should be sleeping."
She shakes her head against me. "I couldn't sleep. I didn't sleep."
As I peer down at her, I notice the dark circles under her eyes, and guilt pokes at my stomach.
"I had to see you off," she whispers against my chest, and I hug her tighter.
"I'm sorry—" I attempt to say, but she cuts me off.
"No, no, please don't be sorry." She lets go of me, stepping away. "If this is what it takes for you to reach a decision— and to come back to me... then I'll take it." She looks at me and I can't pretend not to notice the tears filling her eyes.
"I—" I can't continue. I can't give her any promises. And it breaks my heart that she knows that. She's already nodding. She already knows. "You're a lot stronger than I am, Charlotte. You know that?"
Her bottom lip quivers.
The driver of the car sets off a beep. We both jump.
I swallow, turning to the car once more, out of words and wanting with every fiber of my being to give her some sort of hope. Because if I gave her hope, it would be like giving myself some as well. That maybe this could all work out. That we could work out. That I won't be the cause of her destruction, as well as mine.
So instead of getting into the car just yet, I turn around and plant a small kiss on her lips. Then I open the car door and take my seat, closing the door, just as fast. The car begins to move, and I watch Charlotte the entire time through the window until she's no longer visible.
And even then, I'm still watching.
—
Abri lifts her head as soon as I step into the house.
"Levi?" she asks, setting down her laptop, closing it quickly. She stands and walks over to me. "What are you doing here?" Her eyes widen. "Oh, please don't tell me this is it. That you're done."
I shake my head. "It's not done. Or..." I swallow. How to break this to her softly... "Charlotte made her decision."
"And?" she asks, poking my stomach.
"And she chose me."
I was expecting her to celebrate, but not by shrieking. She grasps me by the arms and shakes me, then hugs me, all while screaming with a massive smile on her face. I don't think I've ever seen her so excited over anything. Not even when I let her ride my motorcycle by herself for the first time.
"Abri, Abri," I attempt to calm her down, but she won't shut up. I grab a pillow and shove it over her mouth to muffle the screams. "All the neighbors are going to think I've murdered you or something. You have to be quiet." I pause, swallowing. "Because that isn't all I have to tell you."
She's eerily quiet as she sits on the couch and listens to me explain my conversation with King Will. I was expecting all sorts of commotion from her with everything I said, but I'm surprised that she says nothing. She only nods at the end of it.
"That's it?" I ask, bewildered.
"If that's what you think is best, Levi, then that's what you think is best."
"But you always have an opinion to offer up."
"And I'm sure you can guess what it is." She sits up straighter on the couch. "How long do you have to decide?"
"Five days. Starting today."
"So... till Saturday," she says. "Okay, so five days. What do you need? Are you going back to work while you're here? Is that going to help you think about it?" She takes in a deep breath, attempting to calm herself. "You only have five days, Levi. You have to use this time wisely."
I nod. "I know. I'll go back to work for a few days, because I know if I don't I'll go crazy. I'll try to stay busy, but, yes, I know, I really do have to think about it." I clasp my hands together. "Trust me when I say that's all I'll be doing." The plane ride was pure hell, being left alone for so many hours with naught but my thoughts.
"You haven't really mentioned Charlotte. How is she taking this, you leaving?"
I shrug. "I don't really know. I'm sure she's not happy about it. But I think she understands."
Abri thinks for a moment. "Is that all she said? That she chose you?"
I love you, Levi.
"Yeah, pretty much," I say, glancing away from her while simultaneously taking a seat on the couch. Abri joins me, crossing her legs as she leans forward, catching my eye. "What were you doing before I got here?" I reach for her laptop, but she snatches it away from me.
"Nothing!" she says, a little too quickly. She clears her throat. "Nothing. Just chatting with Emmie and playing games." She places the laptop behind her. "Are you hungry? I have cold pizza in the fridge calling your name."
I grin. "Sure. Cold pizza sounds great."
"Okay, then. You can go get it yourself." She pats my arm lovingly.
I roll my eyes, pushing her head playfully to the side as I walk past her to get to the kitchen.
july 13th
[ 3:12 AM ]
BARD
I watch as Wynnie comes out from Charlotte's bedroom, closing the door behind her. She doesn't seem to see me right away, but once she does, she jumps, placing a hand over her heart. "Bard!" she whispers in accusation. "You startled me."
I have a hard time concealing my grin from her. "Sorry. How is she?"
Even in the darkness, I can see Wynnie's concerned expression.
"Not great. She held it in all day yesterday after Levi left, but since she went to bed last night... she hasn't stopped crying." She wipes at her forehead. "It breaks my heart to see her like this... I honestly didn't think it would come to this, that he would leave, even if it's for a short while." She sags against the wall.
I knew it could have happened. And I didn't warn Charlotte against it. Because I know Levi's a good guy. But he even told me his feelings, even if I was told over a month ago. It shouldn't matter. I knew he was having reservations, I just hadn't realized they had continued this far. Far enough to push him home for an extended amount of time.
Although I know that is ultimately King Will's fault. He's the one who offered it to him.
"I should have known," I mutter darkly.
Wynnie pushes herself off the wall. "Bard, please don't blame yourself for this. Levi and Charlotte are both adults. They can figure this out. And Levi did this himself; you had no part in it."
I sigh. "Yeah, I know, but Levi told me. He told me, although a while ago, that he was scared to love Charlotte. And I understand his reasoning, I understand where he's coming from..." I hold my tongue so I don't share more about myself than I will mean to. "But I could have told Charlotte. Maybe that would have pushed her toward someone else."
Wynnie is quiet for a moment. "But do you think anyone else is right for her?" she asks softly.
"No," I admit. "No, no one else is right for her except Levi. I just hope he figures that out while he's gone." I rub my temple, listening to the quiet surrounding us, and for a split second, I hear Charlotte's cries, although muffled. It makes me want to punch something. I haven't heard her cry for a while and it always kills me to listen to it.
"I'm sure he will," Wynnie says confidently. "He has to."
My brows raise, even though she can't see them. "How do you know?"
"Because as scared as he is, he still loves her. He'd be an idiot not to come back." She grins. "And I know Levi isn't an idiot."
I let out a small chuckle. "So you saying that Levi will come back is contingent on him not being an idiot? That's a lot of faith to put in him." I pause, serious now. "To put on a man who thinks very similarly to how I view love." I lean my head against the wall.
Wynnie follows suit. "And how do you view love, Bard?"
I swallow, now realizing the opening I just created. The pathway to the gravesite I've since abandoned. I slowly sink to the ground, propping my elbows up on my knees. "With a very cynical view," I omit. "My example of love growing up... was not a very pleasant one."
Wynnie sinks to the ground next to me. She hasn't said anything, but I know she's prompting me forward.
"I have two older brothers," I begin. "And no matter what I tried, I could never get my parents' attention. They were the favorites. And they still are." I had very lonely nights as a kid. Instead of having parents who loved me and took care of me, they ignored me and anything I did. I was forced to care for myself and to learn not to speak because they never had any interest in what I had to say. "They were the ones who were good at sports and music and theater, and I was only ever good at art. Not something they were too thrilled about me doing. That didn't have as much of a future as anything they did."
Wynnie tucks her hand into mine. My other hand grips the shovel I'm using to dig.
"Love in my mind was described as overly possessive. Forgetful. Blinding. I didn't want that kind of love. They claimed to love me but... I knew they didn't. As soon as I was able, I left. I haven't seen them since."
"What happened after you left?"
I swallow, glancing over to her once before looking away. She wants to know more? Even after I just told her how I view love? I wasn't expecting to be asked to share so much about myself, especially not to Wynnie. I haven't even told Charlotte the whole story. I have a hunch that she knows anyway, but I've never told her all of it. People tend to look at me differently once I tell them everything that got me to the castle.
"Well, I had to get a job. I didn't have many skills, other than painting, but I knew I couldn't possibly do that to raise money, so I took a job bartending." Saying this feels as if I am breaking down barriers between the two of us, barriers I spent so long building. It's as if I am placing a part of who I am into Wynnie's hands and she would have every right to crumple it up and toss it over her shoulder. "It didn't pay well, but I had flexible hours and I liked my boss."
"How long were you there for?" Wynnie asks gently.
I've done my best to forget my life then. To forget the brokenness I lived in. I had no intention of digging back up the past, but I care about Wynnie a tremendous deal, so I suppose I'm willing to dig just a few feet down. It takes all my strength not to abandon the shovel and leave it buried. "A few years, I'm not sure of the exact amount." My jaw clenches.
"And why did you leave?"
Another foot deeper.
"I wasn't... I wasn't used to having someone want me around. My boss... slowly became a bit of a father figure toward me. He could tell that I was struggling, and did his best to help out, even sported me a few bucks when I needed it. But I wasn't used to that. I wasn't used to being taken care of."
My hands are gripping the shovel and my limbs are getting tired.
"My whole life, I wasn't sure what love had looked like. So when it was offered to me, I wasn't sure what I was looking at." I suck in a deep breath. "I quit. I wasn't sure what else to do."
Wynnie's hand tightens in mine. The shovel in the other loosens just a bit.
"And then?"
My grip on the shovel resumes, tighter than ever. I'm still digging.
"I moved around a bit, hopping from job to job."
"And then?"
The shovel digs and digs and doesn't stop. My arms are aching. My eyes are stinging with fresh tears. The dirt surrounding me is piling. I hadn't realized I had buried it so deeply.
"And then I shot myself."
The shovel hits the coffin.
I drop the shovel and I drop Wynnie's hand.
"You—" Wynnie swallows. "You shot yourself?"
I nod, now digging around the coffin. Tunneling it out. Bringing it out of the earth and into the light. "I did. Everywhere I went, every person who cared for me, only reminded of the loss of love I had from home, and I couldn't begin to understand why. I was so used to blending into the shadows, being forgotten, I ran from any attention or love I received. I wasn't sure what I was doing with my life, if I even deserved to have a life at all."
"Bard—" she starts, voice breaking, but I won't let her continue.
"I shot my stomach. I couldn't bring myself to shoot my head." I chuckle darkly. I was a coward that night. I was afraid. I was so tired of living. "I had been bleeding out when a castle guard found me." The coffin is almost free from its grave.
Wynnie finds my hand again. She's scooting closer now, her arm against mine.
"He took me to the hospital. They fixed me up. Liam Aiken, the guard who found me, offered me a job at the castle. I didn't know what else I wanted, so I accepted. I accepted and thrived. It took me a long time to get used to being there, but Liam helped. He slowly became a mentor, as well as a father figure."
The coffin is free. I bring it back up to the surface. But the lid remains closed.
I don't want Wynnie looking inside.
"That's also where I met Charlotte." I smile as I think of the memory.
"How old was she?"
"Seventeen, I think."
"How did you meet her?"
My hand is gripping the lid.
"My bullet wound had opened on the job. I was still in training, and I had moved too quickly and ripped out a few of the stitches. Charlotte had been around and noticed the bleeding. She attempted to help, but I pushed her away. Then she insisted I take a break and let her help me."
Wynnie chuckles. "That sounds like Charlotte."
I nod in agreement. "Yeah, she was very insistent."
Wynnie sits quietly, no doubt taking in the corpse of what I just unearthed. That's everything. Everything I am. It's laying out in front of her right now, casket open, my past staring up at her with lifeless eyes. It's old and rotten and I can't bear to look at it. I bury my head in my hands, hiding myself from her.
I am not expecting her touch as she slowly pulls my arms away from my head. Then she scoots even closer, and wraps her arms around my neck, embracing me. Her face is buried in the crook on my shoulder, and the huge relief that piles onto me is immense. My arms wrap around her, pulling her closer to me.
"Thank you for sharing," she whispers against me.
My bottom lip trembles. "Thank you for not looking away."
july 14th
[ 11:12 AM ]
My head lifts as soon as I hear the bell ring.
But instead of a customer, I find Abri. She glances around the garage for a second before landing on me, and she walks over, a few papers in her hands. She stops in front of me and crosses her arms over her chest. I raise a brow. "Yes?" I ask.
"Oh, nothing. I was just hoping this action brought back a fantastic memory I am about to unlock." She glances at the papers once more before taking a few steps away from me.
"What memory?" I question.
She grins cheekily. "You mean, you don't recognize my stance, the papers I'm holding, as well as the large grin on my face?" she asks, her tone incredulous. "Come on, Levi, it was only like, eight months ago this happened."
I am about to ask once more what this is about, but then I remember. The day that Abri came into the garage and read Charlotte's interviews out loud to everything, in hopes to get me to think of the princess and get excited about the Selection I was going to be forced to apply to. She tried her best, she really did, but there wasn't a lot that piqued my interest. Not when it was being shoved down my throat.
She did the same thing she's doing now. Flaunting around the garage, papers in hand, clearing her throat in order to capture everyone's attention. I wonder what the point of this is, if this is what she thinks will help me choose Charlotte. As if this will help me think about my decision.
But I haven't stopped thinking about my decision. Not since Charlotte told me she picked me.
Out of everyone, she picked me.
"So tell us princess," Abri begins, starting the same way she did eight months ago. "What is it like knowing 35 eligible bachelors are all going to be vying for your attention?" She sends me a look full of glee, and I send her a pointed look.
All the guys in the garage stop and glance toward Abri. Onyx catches my eye and raises a brow. I shrug in return.
They all had plenty of questions when I came back. They thought I was eliminated at first, but Onyx wouldn't believe it. He knew I hadn't been eliminated. But I haven't told any of them the real reason I'm back. It would be too much to have them all know.
Abri continues reading, "Honestly? It's almost a little terrifying. It's been so long since I've been on a date, over six years to be exact. So I'm not exactly in the dating game and now to have 35 suitors at once? It's definitely intimidating." She reads Charlotte's answer, and my stomach churns. She was terrified of everyone coming to the castle.
But she was excited when she saw me. The night of the masquerade ball.
"Will you see any of the applications ahead of time? Will you be picking any suitors for yourself?" Abri reads another question. I know that is a lie now. Charlotte picked my application. She chose mine specifically. "No, not at all. The first time I'll learn their names is on the Live Report when I draw their names," Abri says Charlotte's answer, and I shake my head.
I remember not believing the princess the first time Abri read that answer out loud. But then I thought when I was picked that maybe it was fate. That maybe it really was anonymous and that out of everyone in Calgary, my name was drawn.
"So you're saying it's entirely anonymous? All by chance?" Abri continues. "Well of course there's a vetting process. A panel will be going through the applications and running background checks but from there, yes, everything is fate."
Then I came to find out it was a lie. But not the lie I was expecting.
Charlotte chose me from the very beginning.
And she's hoping I'll choose her back.
Before I have time to sit in this, Abri continues, "And what are you looking for in a man? What does your perfect Prince Charming look like?" Abri reads aloud the next question and next answer, "Oh, that is a really difficult question. I mean, ideally I would like someone to be my partner. Someone who can stand by my side and support me and of course, make me laugh."
Someone to be her partner. To stand at her side. Support. All the things my dad never was. All the things Mom needed. All the things I've strived for. Is that how Charlotte sees me? As a partner? To stand at her side and support her? Someone to make her laugh?
Do I see her the same way?
"What role will they play in your future?" Abri reads, turning away from the other guys listening, meeting my gaze. "They'll be my husband, of course, their role will be that of any other marriage," she finishes off with Charlotte's answer.
Genn walks into the garage, iced coffee in her hand. She glances toward Abri, brows raised, and then she sees me. I haven't seen her since I got back, and I guess she was off until today. A slow smile spreads across her face as she looks at me. She takes a sip of her drink and walks toward us.
"Levi," she greets. "You're back." She stops in front of me.
I nod, looking up just enough to meet her gaze. "Yeah. Just for a little while."
The smile fades just a smidge. "Oh?"
"Yeah, I'm going back in a few days." As I say the words, Abri whips her head to me in surprise. But then she nods in agreement to Genn, thankfully knowing I don't exactly want Genn to know anything about why I'm here.
"So soon?" she asks, taking another sip. I nod, turning back to my work. "I thought for sure the Selection would be over by now. How many guys are left?" She grabs a wheelie chair and drags it over toward us, taking a seat, crossing her legs and tilting her head at me.
"A few," I say, the lie tasting bitter in my mouth. Abri glances down at her paper once more before turning to look at Genn.
Genn catches Abri's eyes and notices the paper herself. "What are you reading, Abri doll?"
Abri grimaces at the nickname. "Just Charlotte's interviews."
She extends her hand, motioning for the paper. Abri takes in a deep breath but hands it to her. Genn takes a look, glances over to her, and asks, "So where are you at?"
Abri points to a spot on the paper.
Genn clears her throat. "Ahem. Can we expect children in the near future then?" She laughs a little to herself, continuing, "Sandra! I haven't even met the men yet!" She nods to herself. "She's not wrong. Where's the next one?" she asks, extending another hand.
Abri won't give it to her. "I was actually going to read them to Levi."
"Oh, I'm sure he won't mind if I do it," she coaxes.
"This is her thing, Genn," I say, standing. "Don't you have things to do?"
She works her mouth. "Yes, I do. But so do you." She sits up straighter on her chair. "You know, Levi, I'm actually surprised you've been in the Selection as long as you have." She licks her lips, fingering her drinks straw.
I pause before I turn away from her. Abri shakes her head at me. "And why's that?"
"You clearly belong here, in the garage, with Abri. Charlotte's just being selfish, keeping you there. I don't exactly blame her, but still. Is she only thinking of herself and not what it would do to Abri if you stayed there?"
Before I can answer, Abri already has, "Levi wouldn't make his decision based on me, Genn. This is his future you're talking about, not mine. And it's not just Charlotte's decision, it's Levi's too. You can't pin her being selfish on wanting to find a husband."
Genn looks unbothered by her outburst. "I'm just saying, Abri doll. She only seems to be thinking about what she wants, and it shouldn't matter if she's a princess or not." She glances toward me now. "I'm only looking out for you, Levi. Your life is here. It shouldn't have to uproot just because she says so."
Abri rolls her eyes. "Lay off, Genn," she snaps, drawing attention from those around the garage. "You're only upset because you've liked Levi for years but he's never given you any sort of attention. And you're only bringing Charlotte down because she's the one who has Levi's heart."
The words are a slap to Genn, whose expression transforms from her calm self to outrage. She bristles at her words and eyes me before crossing her arms over her chest, ready for a fight. "Listen, Abrielle, just because you are willing to send Levi off again doesn't mean that the rest of us are." She holds her head up high, sending her a superior look.
Abri's jaw drops in indignation. "This is nothing like sending him off to the Coast Guard," she seethes, taking one more step toward Genn, hands clenched into fists. "And you weren't even there. You had no right to say that."
Genn grins. "Just because I had no right doesn't mean it isn't true." She takes the final step, closing the distance between them. "That's all you've done, Abri, isn't it? Send Levi off? To the Selection. To the Coast Guard. You ever wonder why he never came back to visit you while he was away for five years? You ever think that maybe it had something to do with you?"
Something crashes inside of me, and I almost miss Abri's lower lip trembling.
"Genn," I call, voice thick with emotion.
She barely glances at me, but once I catch her eyes, I continue.
"Leave her alone." When she doesn't listen, I grip her arm, slowly pulling her away from Abri. "You have no idea what you're talking about." I shake my head at her, gripping her arm harder. "Why would you ever say that to her?"
Genn pouts angrily. "I'm only trying to look out for you, Levi. I've only ever done that."
"If that was true, Genn, then you wouldn't have said that to Abri. Because that girl right there—" I point back at Abri, "—is part of me." I release her arm, taking a step back. "Now if you'll excuse us, Abri has something to read to me and I have to get back to work."
She moves away from me, and we both walk past her.
july 15th
[ 6:34 PM ]
I have until tomorrow morning to make my decision.
Instead of working today, I took the day off and spent it at home. Even though I haven't come to the final decision yet, it was nice to spend the day with Abri. She claimed to be the best sister in the world because she had plans for today but canceled them for me, but she didn't seem too bummed about that. And instead of pestering me about Charlotte and about my decision, she put that subject on the back burner and we talked about other things, and did other things to keep my mind off it.
But I have a feeling she offered to clean the dishes and put the food away because she knew I still needed time to think about it tonight.
Every night since I've come home has been nothing but restless. I'm surprised I was even able to function at work with how little sleep I've gotten. I keep thinking about what I'd gain if I said yes, about what I'd leave behind if I said yes, what I'd lose if I said no, and what I'd gain if I said no, and there are too many possibilities in my mind to settle on just one outcome.
I would be leaving behind a life I created for myself. A life I created for Abri. A life for the both of us. It's hard to imagine that I would have to leave it, to leave her, to live somewhere else instead of Calgary. I've never lived anywhere else.
And the garage. My only source of social activity with my friends. It's where I grew up, where I would hide on my bad days, and where I discovered my love of mechanics. It's hard to toss my old life behind me, even if I would be gaining so much if I chose Charlotte.
But I have to ask myself what am I willing to lose if it comes down to this life or Charlotte?
I sit on the edge of my bed, staring forward at the photo of Mom on the wall. She's leaning on a young boy, me, with a small baby in her arms, Abri. She's grinning so widely, her eyes are so big, her joy so loud. I play with my fingers, wondering what she would say if she was here. What would her advice be, I wonder, if she was alive right now? Would she tell me to go for it, to go be with Charlotte, or would she want me to stay at home, stay with them?
Would she be willing to give her son up again, not for the Coast Guard, but to a princess?
I clasp my hands together, staring back up at her photo.
I wonder how different life would have been if she hadn't died. Would I have come home? Would I still be in the Coast Guard? Or would it have claimed my life eventually like I had been hoping it would? Would Abri and I have been as close? Would I not be as afraid to turn out like Dad?
Would I have ever met someone before Charlotte?
"Can I come in?" Abri asks, knocking on my door frame. I nod, watching as she settles at the end of the bed next to me. She leans her head on my shoulder, staring at the picture in front of us. "What are you thinking about?"
"Mom," I say.
Her head lifts in surprise. "What about mom?"
I shrug. "Just... how differently things might have turned out if she hadn't died."
Abri swallows, turning to the photo once more before turning back to me. "And what did you come up with?"
"Not much. Mostly questions."
"Did you answer any of them?"
I shake my head. "No."
She goes back to leaning her head on my shoulder. I pick at my fingernails once more, and I see her watching me.
"Levi?"
"Hmm."
"Have you made your decision yet?"
I take in a breath. "No, Abri, I haven't." I tilt my head toward the ceiling. "I don't know what to do. I don't know how I could possibly make this decision."
"The same way she did. By choosing you over everyone else."
I squint at the ceiling. "But I have a lot more to lose."
"What are you losing?"
I glance down at my kid sister, smiling a bit. "Well, I'd be moving. I wouldn't live in this house anymore. I wouldn't live with you anymore." I poke her stomach and she swats at me. "I wouldn't work at the garage anymore. There are a lot of things I'd have to let go of."
"But those aren't the real reasons you haven't made your decision..." Abri murmurs, looping her arm through mine. "You aren't afraid of loss, Levi. I don't think you ever have been. And not that it's not hard for you to deal with loss and change, you're just better at it. You've had more experience." She looks up at me. "You're afraid of something else."
I swallow. I don't want to admit that maybe she does have a point.
"I am afraid of loss, Abri," I whisper. "It terrifies me. I don't ever want to lose anything else, but I know that's not possible." I look at her. "I don't want to lose all of this but I also don't want to lose Charlotte."
"And?"
"And you're right. I'm afraid of something else."
Abri sits up, pulling herself free, turning her entire body to face me. "Levi. Can I ask you something?" She crosses her legs, leaning back on her hands, brows raised.
I nod, crossing my own legs, pulling myself up further onto the bed. "Yeah."
"Why did you never visit us?"
I think of all those ripped up airport tickets. Of all the canceled flights. Of the lies I told them.
"Why didn't you write back as often after a while? Why didn't we ever do our video calls every week like we had when you first left?" She picks at the hem of her jeans. "Why did it seem like you had forgotten about us?"
We sit in the silence for a while as I struggle to find the words to say. Abri is patient as I do, continuously glancing toward the photo of Mom as well as back to me.
"Abri..." I start, swallowing every lump of emotion stuck in my throat. "Do you know why I left? Why I decided to go to the Coast Guard in the first place?"
She shrugs. "I'm not sure. I guess I always assumed you went to serve, but I don't think I ever asked. I just assumed it was something you had to do. Why?"
I close my eyes. There's so much, so much she doesn't know, and she has no idea what she's asking. She has no idea what I'm about to bring back to life.
"I left because of Dad."
Abri's brows furrow. "What do you mean?"
"I couldn't—" I pause. "I couldn't stand being in that house. I couldn't stand living in the same place he lived. I thought signing myself up for the Coast Guard was my way out." I can't meet her gaze. I'm not sure what she's feeling or thinking and I can't face that. Not yet.
"Your way out?" she asks, voice small.
I nod, eyes still on my lap. "Yeah. I joined, knowing I would have very little... contact... with home." I lick my lips, squeezing my eyes shut, hating myself for saying this. For doing this to her. For even thinking that in the first place. To think that I had to leave that home so badly that I was leaving Abri and Mom.
Abri doesn't say anything, and my eyes are glued to the bed.
"I—" I can't say it. I can't say the words. I know the damage that'll incur if I do. But they have to leave eventually, and Abri's listening. "I joined thinking that I would stay... until I died."
A gasp tears out of Abri's chest and that's when I look up.
Her expression is full of horror as she stares at me.
"You joined..." she starts, hand pressed against her chest. "To die?"
I nod. "Yes."
Her other hand claps over her mouth as her eyes fill with tears.
"You hated us that much?" she whispers, and that's what kills me.
I cannot shake my head enough as I pull her into my arms, holding her as she cries against me. She's fighting me, fighting my embrace, but I told her tight. "No, Abri, no. I didn't hate you. I never hated you. I never hated Mom. I just... I couldn't stay there. Not when I knew that I would never be able to escape him if I stayed."
She pushes at me until she's free. "That's why you distanced yourself, wasn't it?" she guesses, eyes pooling with more tears. "Because that was easier than being here? Than being with us, who also probably reminded you of dad?" She takes herself off of the bed, pacing around the room. "All this time, Levi, mom told me you couldn't call us back or talk to us because you were busy, but instead it was because you didn't even want to talk to us? Because you tried to forget us? Forget me?"
I have no answer. Because it's the truth.
I can only nod and look away.
Abri is crying openly now. I hate that I caused her tears. I hate that I thought this. I hate that I did this to her, to Mom. I hate myself for it. And I hate that there is so much more to the story that is going to cause her even more pain.
"I did try," I start, wiping my own tears off my cheeks. "I did try to forget you both. But only because I didn't want a reason to live. I didn't want either of you to be the reason I came back. I didn't want a reason to come back. I thought... I thought distancing myself was better for everyone in the long run. Because then you wouldn't have seen my death as such a loss." I bury my head in my hands, attempting to block out her tears as I feel her sit back down on the bed.
"Levi, how could you?" Abri cries, hitting my shoulder. "How could you do that to us?"
I lift my head, meeting her swollen red eyes. "Because, I— I was running. I was running so hard and I didn't think about how this would have affected either of you. I didn't think about that. I was being selfish. I was afraid. And I'm so sorry."
Abri shakes her head. "What were you running from, Levi? What could have possibly been so terrible that you felt the need to run from your family?"
"The fear of being him. Of turning into him."
She shoves her face into the comforter. "Levi," her voice is muffled, but I hear her. "Don't keep using dad as an excuse to hurt us. Please stop."
"I'm sorry." Now I stand, moving away from her, bumping Mom's picture. "I'm sorry, but it's the truth. It doesn't excuse what I did. It doesn't, and I know that. But... as a terrified eighteen-year-old who didn't know what else to do, all I knew was that I didn't want to be him. I didn't want to be him. And I thought that I would if I stayed. So without any other thought except to stay as far away from where he was, I left. I left and I'm sorry."
She stares at me, rubbing her bloodshot eyes. "But then you came home."
I'm suddenly back on our date. My date with Charlotte where I confessed this exact same thing to her, about Abri, about leaving, about the reason I stayed.
I nod, back to the present. "Yeah. I had to. I couldn't leave you. I just couldn't. You were the reason I came home. You became the reason for me to stay alive."
Her eyes fill with more tears and another dam bursts from her.
Once Abri calms herself, she sits up on the bed. "Okay. So you came home. And you haven't stopped running. But why? Haven't you seen the difference in yourself? That you are nothing like him?"
"No, because—"
"You aren't anything like him!" Abri shouts suddenly, and I'm taken back. "How can you not possibly see that?"
"Because!" I start, voice raising too, matching hers. "Because I am like him. Because— because of the only reason I ever did anything after I came back." I bury my head in my hands, letting out a strangled breath.
"What does that mean?" Abri asks.
"It means," I say, head lifting. "Everything I ever did... everything from going to college, getting multiple jobs, providing for you, was done out of guilt. I did it because I was angry at myself for staying away. I was so guilty because I had done everything in my power to forget about you both that I missed out on so much of your life. Of the remaining years of Mom's life. I was so ashamed that my entire mindset was to do things to make up for the fact that I still left."
Abri shakes her head. "Levi, that doesn't make any sense. You did those things because you cared about me. You did those things because you were my guardian and my older brother. That was your job."
"Yes, but—"
"No, it's that simple."
"But it isn't. Because I wouldn't allow myself anything else, Abri. I didn't allow anything else into my life because of it. My life has been to care for you. To live for you. To give you the things that I didn't when I was gone. I have excluded everything out of my life because I thought that my sole purpose in life was to care for you."
Abri glances at her lap. "You didn't have to feel guilty, Levi."
I take a seat back on the bed. "But I was, Abri. I still am."
Her eyes lift. "Is that why you've never been in a relationship? Because of me?"
I shake my head. "I don't— no, that's not because of you. That's because of—"
"Dad," she finishes. "Yeah, I should've known that." She looks away from me, running a hand through her hair. "So you don't believe me, then? When I say that you aren't anything like dad? And it's all because you think of the reason you did everything since coming home?"
I nod.
She buries her head in her hands. "Levi, please don't tell me your guilt has been eating at you for this long?"
I remain silent.
She lets out a frustrated groan. "Levi, I can't believe you did everything out of guilt. I can't. Because I know there had to have been more. You love me. Right?" I nod, outraged she even had to ask, but before I can say anything, she has continued, "Okay, so you love me. Then you didn't do everything out of guilt. You couldn't have. Maybe at first, but wouldn't that have turned into doing it because it was your duty and because you loved me?"
I shrug. "I don't... I don't know."
"So what about Charlotte?"
"What about Charlotte?"
"So you're running... and you still are. And because you believe you are exactly like him, that you could never be with Charlotte because you don't want to hurt her?"
"Yes, as a summary, that would be it," I reply, wiping away the drying tears on my cheeks.
"I don't see the problem," she states.
I let out a dry laugh. "No?"
"No. Because you aren't dad. He didn't care about not wanting to hurt someone. But you do. Doesn't that tell you everything you need to know?"
I shake my head. "No. It doesn't. Because I could still hurt her."
She lets out another frustrated groan, standing. She slaps the bed, catching my attention. "Okay, fine. You are unreliable because of the way you see yourself. Fine, I accept that. But think about this." She stops across the floor until she is in front of Mom's picture. "What about mom?"
I glance toward her picture. Instant tears fill my eyes. My gaze tears to Abri. "Okay?"
"Mom lived with dad. She endured what he did to her. What he did to you. She knew him longer and had to deal with him for much longer than you ever had to, and in a different capacity. Right?"
I nod. "Right?" I ask, unsure of her point.
"Do you think she did a good job of raising us? As well as a mother could?"
I nod. "Of course."
"Then isn't she proof that just because you live with someone abusive doesn't mean you automatically turn into them? Isn't she proof that you can still love and raise your kids the right way even though you had dealt with a previous abuser?"
I stare back at her picture, words leaving me.
"Levi?" Abri snaps her fingers, capturing my attention once again. "Does that make sense?"
I nod. "Yeah. A little."
"Levi, when will you get your head out of the past and focus once on your future?" Abri sits back on the bed, poking at my chest. "You want to know what you did for me? You came back for me. You loved me when I wasn't very lovable. You took care of me. You provided for me. You let me have friends over and taught me things and befriended me and cared to learn things about me. You weren't just a guardian to me. You were a father. You are the closest thing I have ever had to a dad." Her expression transforms into a look of grief. "And I don't even care that you did it because you were guilty. You still loved me better than my real father did. And that has to count for something." She reaches forward and gathers me into a hug.
I hold her tight.
"And I don't care why you left. Only that you came back when I needed you the most."
My grip tightens, and I think if I let her go, I would break.
"You gave up everything for me, Levi," she whispers. "You said I was the reason you stayed alive, but you still weren't living. Not the way you should have been. Not the way that you could if you married Charlotte."
She pulls away from me, wiping her thumbs under my eyes.
"You said in an interview that you would know if you loved someone if you were willing to give up everything for them." Her bottom chin trembles. "That's how I know you didn't do everything out of guilt. Because you gave up everything for me."
I touch her chin, offering a small smile.
"So now you have yourself a different question, Levi."
I hold my breath.
"Are you willing to give everything up for Charlotte?"
My chest tightens.
"You have to answer now. You have to say yes or no because then you would know. You would know and you wouldn't have to run anymore. Because either you know or you don't. And I won't let you put yourself through more than you need to when I think you already have your answer."
She grasps my hand.
"So answer, Levi. Do you love her or not?"
"Yes," I say without hesitation. "I love her."
"And are you willing to give up everything you thought you needed to have to satisfy your guilt, for her?"
Everything I thought I needed to satisfy my guilt.
I glance back at the photo of Mom. Then at Abri. I'm still running, and I haven't known anything else, but then I remember Bard. And I remember what he said to do instead. Instead of running away I should be running toward something. And he said that something should be—
"Yes," I say out loud.
Abri's brows raise. "Yes?"
I nod emphatically. "Yes. I would give that all up to have her."
She grins. "You're done running from dad?"
I take another glance toward the photo. Toward my mother who strived her entire life to protect me from Dad, a man she claimed to love. A man she claimed was good to her at one point in her life. A man who had been good to me once too.
A man who must have spent his life running too.
Running away from the life he could have, a life he could have loved. A life with Mom, with me, with Abri. He was running too, I realize, and I promised myself so long ago that I couldn't be like him. I would never be like him.
So maybe I should run to Charlotte and then stop running altogether.
Running from guilt. Running from fear. Running from love.
I nod toward Abri. "Yeah." I let myself smile. "I'm done running from Dad."
Her arms fly around me faster than I thought, and soon, she's shaking me and yelling, and all the while I can only think of one thing.
Going back to Charlotte.
"I have to go," I say, standing, pulling myself out of Abri's embrace.
"Go? Go where?" she asks, standing too.
"To Charlotte."
july 16th
[ 1:02 AM ]
I let out a groan, listening to the third announcement about my flight being canceled. I lean my head back into my chair, restless and antsy, having been sitting in my chair for the last hour. I glance toward a sleeping Abri before I decide to take a walk around the airport. I stop in a few of the stores, looking around, only half paying attention to what I'm seeing. I was hoping to get right on a flight and sleep, but it looks like that's not happening.
I walk past another small gift shop, looking through the windows at first. But then something catches my eye, and I head inside.
"There you are," I hear a voice exclaim. I turn to find Abri behind me, rubbing her eyes. "I thought you had got on the plane without me," she murmurs.
I shake my head, wrapping an arm around her shoulder, tugging her closer. "Looks like neither of us will be getting on a plane anytime soon. Our flight keeps getting canceled." I glance toward the jewelry section, toward the lone piece my eye had caught.
"What are you doing in here?" Abri asks, yawning. "This isn't exactly the section for dudes."
"I'm not here for me," I mutter, walking forward, Abri following.
I stop in front of the jewelry section.
Abri pokes me. "What are you looking for?"
"I don't have a ring for Charlotte."
She stiffens under my grip. "And you're planning to buy her a ladybug ring from an airport gift shop? Are you crazy?"
"No, not that ring," I grumble, picking up the ring I saw first. "This one."
"Oh. That makes more sense."
It's a small, delicate, golden sunflower ring that I'm sure was designed as a child's ring, but it would fit Charlotte perfectly, and I don't want to propose to her without something.
"But it's a kid's ring from an airport gift shop."
I poke Abri back. "It's a placeholder for when I get her an actual ring, numbskull."
"You could just get her a fancy necklace or something."
I send her a look.
"Okay, fine." She raises her hands in the air. "You want to buy her a plastic toy ring, be my guest. Don't forget the insurance." She grins, allowing me to pull her along as I walk to the register.
I quickly pay and head back out of the store.
"Well, I'm sure Charlotte will be happy to know you paid all of one dollar for her ring," Abri muses as we head back to our seats, arm linked through mine. "It is pretty, Levi, I'll give you that," she cedes, collapsing back into her chair.
I roll my eyes. "Why, thank you, Abri. I'm so glad you think so."
She grins and lays her head on my shoulder as soon as I settle into my seat.
"When are we leaving?" she asks, closing her eyes.
"I don't know." I look over to the front desk. "I'm hoping soon."
She nods, yawning again. "Just wake me when they decide to release our plane they're holding captive."
—
"Abri, wake up. We're here." I nudge my sister, hoping to wake her from her deep slumber.
Her arms flail at her sides as she sits up in her seat. "Are we there yet?" she asks, bewildered as she glances about the plane. "What time is it?"
"Like, ten, I think." I glance toward my watch. "Yeah, about ten-thirty."
She yawns, falling back against her seat. "I really hate delayed planes." She rolls to her side, watching as everyone begins to leave the plane. "It would have almost been easier to just wait until they came to pick you up."
I shrug. "Yeah, maybe. But I had to get—" I don't finish my sentence, standing immediately. Abri jumps at my sudden movement, clutching at her chest.
"What the heck, Levi?" she exclaims. "I know you're excited, but you don't have to send me to an early grave." She sits up in her seat. "What's up?"
"I need your phone," I mutter, outstretching a hand. "Abri, I need your phone," I say again.
"Okay, okay," she murmurs, pulling her phone out of her back pocket, placing it into my palm. "Sheesh, I don't think I've ever seen you so stressed about anything. What are you doing?" She watches me as I quickly scroll through her contacts, landing on the one I need. "Why are you calling Bard?"
He picks up immediately. "Abri?"
"No, it's Levi."
He's silent.
"Listen, Bard, I know I screwed up—" I start, but he doesn't let me finish.
"Yeah, you did," he growls, swearing under his breath. "You do realize they came for you three hours ago? They came to your house but no matter how long they waited, you didn't come out, and then they left. And you know the first thing they did?"
My heart drops into my stomach.
"They told the king, who proceeded to tell Charlotte."
I rub a hand over my face. "Bard, Abri and I just landed in Angeles."
He's silent again.
"You're— what?"
"We left last night. I had made my decision and I just had to get here." I glance toward Abri, who is now standing, eyes full of concern. "But our flights kept getting delayed, and I didn't even think about the car they would be sending to the house. You have to believe me." I run a hand through my hair, desperation clawing at me as I wait for his answer.
"Levi, you weren't there when they told her—"
"I know, I know." I can't even wrap my mind around what Charlotte could have possibly been feeling when they told her what they thought my decision was. I can't even imagine what she must think of me.
"So you're in Angeles now?" Bard asks.
"Yes. We're about to head off the plane." We get in the line of people exiting the plane, following them all the way to the door. "I was just planning to rent a car to get to the castle, and—"
"I'm on my way. Wait for me at the exit."
I can tell he's about to hang up, so I say, "Wait! Can you send me Wynnie's number? I also have to talk to her."
"Yeah, I can."
"Thank you," I say, but he's already hung up.
"What did they tell Charlotte?" Abri asks as soon as we get off the plane, walking through the hall. "Levi?"
I have a hard time swallowing. "They told her I said no. When they sent the car around this morning..."
"No one would have been there..." she finishes, slapping her forehead. "Levi, but—"
"I know!" I exclaim. "I know, she probably hates me right now, but we just have to get to the castle so I can explain everything. Everything. But right now, I need to call Wynnie."
I dial her number into Abri's phone, waiting impatiently.
She doesn't pick up.
I try again.
She picks up on the second ring. "Hello?"
"Wynnie? It's Levi."
I hear her pause, and instead of going into the same thing I went through with Bard, I get right to the point.
"Listen, I know I messed up, but I'm in Angeles now and I'm waiting for Bard to pick Abri and I up from the airport." Abri grabs my hand and leads me toward the pick up area. I let her pull me, trying to focus on speaking to Wynnie. "I was calling because I need you to do me a favor."
She's still quiet.
"Hello? Wynnie?" I ask into the phone.
"Oh, thank goodness," she murmurs, taking in a deep breath.
"You're not... mad?"
"Oh, I'm furious, and I was about to track you down myself, but at least this way, you're coming to me." She sighs. "Levi, why didn't you just wait for the car? Then Charlotte wouldn't think—"
"I couldn't wait," I say quickly. "We would have been there a lot sooner but our flights kept getting delayed, and—"
"It doesn't matter. You're coming back."
I take in a deep breath, finally reaching the pick up area, taking a seat on the bench next to Abri. "Can... can you tell her that—"
"I'm not at the castle right now... and she's in a meeting, and I'd hate to tell her over text. Plus, you need to be the one to tell her. What do you need from me?"
I had a lot of time on or off the plane to think. I didn't sleep at all, and the only thing I could think of was what I was going to do once I saw Charlotte again. I didn't want to propose to her on the castle steps, so I decided to find a place to take her. And I settled on the perfect place.
"I need you to have Charlotte, as soon as she's out of her meeting, get dressed and go outside on the castle steps. And if you think I need to explain everything, then don't tell her the reason. Let it be a surprise."
Wynnie clears her throat. "Anything specific to wear?"
I shake my head. "It doesn't matter."
"But you are going to propose, so, something along those lines." It's not even asked as a question, because Wynnie knows and she knows Charlotte. I knew she would know what to do. "I got it, Levi. Thanks for calling. And don't think you and I aren't going to have some serious words once this is all over."
I let out a chuckle. "I wouldn't expect anything else."
"Good."
Then she hangs up.
I hand the phone back to Abri. She takes it and stuffs it into her pocket.
"Do you have a plan, Levi, or are you just winging this?" Abri asks, crossing her arms over her chest as she glances over to the long line of cars coming through.
"I have a plan," I say, glancing at my feet. "It was hard to sleep with you snoring the entire trip, so I had to do something." I nudge her.
She rolls her eyes. "I can't help what I do in my sleep, Levi, and you know this."
I smirk, then glance toward the line up.
Almost immediately, I spot Bard.
I stand, walking over to him. Abri follows closely behind, dragging her bag behind her as she struggles to catch up.
Bard has barely gotten out of the car before I have crushed him into a hug.
"Thank you," I whisper.
He pulls away, grinning. "You can thank me after you've fixed what you broke." He punches me in the arm before turning to see Abri, offering her a hug as well. "Hey, Abri. I didn't know you had planned to make this trip too."
She crosses her arms. "If you think I would miss Levi's engagement, Bard, you don't know me at all." She hmphs before offering a grin. "Let's get in the car, gentleman, let's go. Levi's got a girl waiting for him."
I grin, allowing Abri's words to settle into my mind as we all get into the car.
—
The entire ride to the castle is filled with silence.
Partly because the only thing I could think about is what I'm going to say when we get there. Abri and Bard have a few conversations, but once that dies out, everyone keeps to themselves. I'm sure they can feel the immeasurable pressure I'm under, but the silence slowly begins to drive me mad.
And as soon as we pull into the castle driveway, I think I might pass out.
"Levi?" Abri's hand is placed onto my shoulder. "Are you okay?"
I shake my head. "No," I release, eyes on the castle steps just before us. Bard puts the car in the park, turning over to me. "No, I'm not okay." I meet Bard's gaze. "I've already broken her hearts more times than I care to admit and—"
"Levi," Bard interrupts, shaking his head at me. "She already chose you."
I swallow.
"Trust that a few days hasn't changed that."
I nod. "Okay."
He grins. "But do remember, if she does say no, I have the right to beat you up."
Abri slaps his arm. "Be nice," she scolds. "We'll make ourselves scarce, Levi."
"You're taking the car, right?" Bard asks, opening his door, hopping out.
"Yes," I say, also hopping out, my feet hitting the concrete. Bard tosses the keys over to me and I catch them. Abri shuts her door as well as mine, startling me.
"Do you know when she's coming out?" Abri asks, turning me to face her. I shake my head. "Okay, then, I guess you'll be waiting for when she does come out. I'll probably head around back, and I'll be here when you guys get back." She grins, propping up my chin. "Good luck, Levi," she whispers. She gathers me into a hug. "Sweep her off her feet."
I chuckle as she pulls away. "I'll attempt to."
She fingers my shirt, wrinkling her brows. "If you only had time to change..."
I push her toward Bard. "Go on."
She sticks her tongue out at me as Bard leads her around the castle. I watch them until they're out of sight, and that's when I'm forced to focus on the door, a set of stairs in front of me. I lean against the car, glancing toward the bottom of the steps, taking in a deep breath.
I've rehearsed what I'm going to say to her over and over again in my head a million times since we left the house. It's changed multiple times, and now my thoughts are all a mess, and I'm not sure what will come out of my mouth when I see her.
The door opens.
My head lifts expectantly.
But it's just a guard, heading down the steps past me and around the car. I watch as he walks into the yard, disappearing, and I clasp my hands in front of me, turning my gaze back to the top of the steps.
That's when I see Charlotte.
She's already watching me, hands gripping a handful of her yellow dress at her sides. And for a moment, I'm back to a few days ago, when she surprised me at four in the morning, coming down the stairs to tell me goodbye before I left. But instead of allowing her to run to me, I find myself running to her, taking two steps at a time until I'm right in front of her.
My hands are trembling as I lift them and cup her face. Her hands grip mine, squeezing tight.
"You're here," she says tearfully, and that's what breaks me.
I did this to her. I made her spend the last few days wondering if I would ever come back. And then this morning, I put her through hell by forgetting about the car coming to my house. I don't even want to imagine what sort of pain she felt when her father told her I wasn't coming back.
That's when I almost pull away. I'm not good enough for her and I've already done too much to hurt her.
But then I remember. I'm done running. I ran to Charlotte. And that's it.
"I—" I clear my throat. "I'm here."
A sob escapes her mouth just before she collapses into me, wrapping her arms around my chest. My arms tug her closer and closer, leaning my head down to rest on top of hers, quietly comforting her as she cries into my shirt.
"I'm so sorry," I whisper into her hair, rocking back and forth, knowing that my apology could never be enough. I could never be enough, but I know I'm going to try.
She doesn't let go of me, even after her sobs have quieted.
I lean down near her ear, whispering, "Charlotte, I have some place for us to go. If you'll allow me to take you."
She slowly pulls herself away from me. She looks up at me, swallowing. "Okay," she says softly. I take her hand, leading her to the car, where I open her door first. She climbs inside and I shut the door. I jog over to my side, open my door, and join her inside.
Starting up the engine, we begin our trip.
I plug the directions into the car right before we leave the driveway. It won't take us very long to get there.
"You—" Charlotte starts. "You weren't at the house."
I meet her gaze, noting her hands twisting in her lap. "I had already left."
Her brows furrow. "You already left?"
I nod, keeping my gaze on the road. "We had meant to be here much earlier but our flights kept getting delayed and we almost changed flights at the last second but then decided not to and—" I suck in a breath. "It was a crazy night," I murmur, meeting her eye once more before focusing on the road and the directions.
"'We'?"
I grin. "Abri's here. She insisted on tagging along."
A graceful smile touches her lips. "I'm glad." She straightens in her seat, glancing toward the road. "So... where are we going?"
I send her a sly smile. "You'll see, princess."
She stares at me with trembling lips and a dazed expression, as if she's not entirely sure I'm here or not. I reach my hand over to hers, and intertwine our fingers. I give them a squeeze, letting her know that I am here and that I'm not leaving.
After another fifteen minutes of silence, we arrive at our destination.
I wasn't even sure I'd be able to find a place like this. But after searching the entire early morning, I was able to find one.
A sunflower field.
I hadn't realized the effect it would have on me as soon as I stepped into the first row. But my heart immediately clenches and I have to force myself to take the first few steps into the field. Luckily, Charlotte's hand is laced with mine, enabling me forward even further.
"This is beautiful," she murmurs, fingering their soft petals.
I nod in agreement, glancing down toward a flower.
It seems right, proposing to Charlotte in the middle of a sunflower field.
I pat my jeans pocket, making sure the ring is still there.
Charlotte takes a few steps forward, releasing my hand, traveling further along. I stand and watch as she stares along the lines of sunflowers, in awe. I attempt to do the same, but my eyes don't stray far from her. With her dancing smile. And her captivating eyes.
"Charlotte," I call, catching her attention from far away.
She turns toward me now, smiling. "Yes, Levi?"
I grin, wondering if I'm supposed to feel nervous at all. But I don't. Not even as I know what's coming next. Not even as I know what kind of conversation I have to have. Not even as I say these words.
"I love you."
Her steps halt.
"And—" I start before she can say anything. "And I should have told you that before, when you told me you chose me. I wanted to so badly. But... I was terrified of telling you." I can't take another step forward, I can't go toward her, not yet, not when I know there is too much to be said and I can't do it when she's so close.
She seems to recognize this because she stays where she is, but perhaps she is just as frozen as I am.
"There's a reason I never looked for a relationship," I say, and even though these are words I have dealt with before, to say it to Charlotte feels as if I am baring my soul to her. An ugly and deformed soul that has been buried for so long it's become unrecognizable. A soul that had remained lonely for so long because I had told it to. "There's a reason I thought I would die alone."
Charlotte's eyes flutter close for but a moment, as if remembering a painful memory.
"I told you I had been running when I went to the Coast Guard. And that was true. But I haven't stopped, even after I came home. Even after I had a different life with Abri at the garage. I was still running, Charlotte, and I was still running even after you told me you loved me."
She clasps her hands together, watching me with a solemn expression.
"I thought— soon after Dad died —that I would turn out just like him. I would become him, should I ever get married and have kids." I can finally move, and I'm one step closer to Charlotte. "He was the reason I left in the first place but I made up my own reason when I came home. Because I had run just like he did, I knew it was only a matter of time until I hurt someone."
Another step forward. Charlotte stays where she is.
"So I stayed away from any romantic relationship, because I knew how it would end."
Charlotte seems to be holding her breath.
"And then the Selection happened and I met you." I shake my head. "I was terrified then, too, because I thought it would be easier to dislike you. I thought it would be easy to get eliminated and sent home because I wasn't expecting... you. I wasn't expecting you to seek me out when no one else did. I wasn't expecting you to care about me so much. And I wasn't expecting to care about you in return."
One more step.
"But I did, and I do, and I'm still scared. I was still running, Charlotte, even when I left a few days ago. Because I knew what would happen if I said yes and I married you." My hands are shaking at my sides and I have a hard time tamping down my emotions, knowing they will erupt if I don't. "But— I still had a choice to make. I wanted to choose you without regret. I wanted to choose you without being afraid of becoming him."
Another step and she's in arms reach now.
"And then I realized... Dad made his choice. He made his choice a long time ago to be the man that he was. And I have that same choice. I have the same choice, Charlotte, and I decided I don't want to make the choice he did. I don't want to be him. And I thought that by running I was escaping him but all that ever did was push me away from the people I care about. The people whose lives I missed," my voice breaks, surrounded by every single flower that reminds me of Mom, but I keep going, "So I'm making the decision, here and now, to choose."
Charlotte's eyes are filled with tears.
"And I'm choosing you."
She takes the final step, arms wrapped around my neck, body shaking and trembling.
"That is..." I whisper into her hair, "if you'll still have me."
Charlotte laughs, squeezing me tighter than ever before releasing me. Before I forget, I cram my hand into my pocket and pull out the ring. Charlotte's eyes snag on it immediately, placing a hand over her mouth.
I chuckle. "It's plastic. I bought it at a gift shop on my way here, and—"
"I don't care," she says abruptly. "Levi, I don't care." She looks up at me with wide eyes. "It's beautiful." Her eyes fill with more tears.
I finger the ring, rubbing my thumb over the golden sunflower. "Charlotte," I start, taking in a deep breath, meeting her gaze. "Will you marry me?"
She turns to me with fresh tears in her eyes that have begun sliding down her cheeks.
"You have no idea how hard it was here without you," she confesses, trying to smile through the tears but she has a hard time. "I missed you like crazy and I almost wanted to hate you for leaving. And I wanted to hate you when I thought... when I thought you weren't coming back." Her head dips and I shudder away from her. "But I couldn't and I almost wished I did, but... but I was still holding out hope that you would come back."
I glance down at the sunflower ring.
"And you did. You did come back."
My head lifts.
Charlotte's grinning through her tears. "You came back, even when you were scared. You came back, even though you thought all you had to offer was the broken pieces of a man who spent his entire life alone. But I have never seen that." She comes one step closer. "Of course I'll marry you, Levi. I barely survived five days without you, I couldn't possibly do it for the rest of my life." She laughs to herself, but I hear the seriousness to her words.
I slide the ring onto her finger.
"I never knew your dad, Levi," Charlotte continues, and my eyes lock with hers. "But you have proven to me, over and over again, what kind of man you are. The kind of man that has compassion and protects and understands... and who has shown me continuously that he could never hurt me." Her hands clasp mine in urgency. The hands I used to be so afraid of. "You couldn't hurt me, Levi. You have found yourself running from your father when I saw it all along that you have never been like him."
I reach down and press my lips against hers.
I hold her as if I am unsure if she truly feels the same about me, softly and delicately, but there is no hesitation as she pulls herself closer. No doubt in her mind that I'm the one for her. And it's as if these past five days live in this kiss, the one we should have had when Charlotte first told me she loved me. The one we should have had before I left her.
I taste the salt of the tears on her lips, pressing against her further to assure her, an apology of sorts for all the times I made her cry and for the all times I will in the future. Her words press against my heart, ignoring every urge I have to pull away and run. It would be so easy to give into the doubts and fears that flood my mind, but I keep having to remember my choice.
My choice is Charlotte.
Charlotte's feet hit back against the ground, pulling me closer, and when we finally break away, she's laughing against my lips, delirious with happiness as she loops her arms around my neck, nestling her head into my shoulder. I pull back, lifting her feet once more off the ground, leaning into her, laying small kisses on her neck.
"Thank you for saying that," I whisper into her ear.
She nods against me. "Thank you for coming back."
I grin, setting her down. "I should have a lot sooner."
She kisses me.