C H A R L O T T E
written by animationchic/aOK706
round sixteen ||
July 11th
2:47 pm
"I choose you."
I can't stop my smile as I say the words, finally, out loud for Levi to hear. There, it's done. I finally told him. I finally told Levi that I choose him, that I will always choose him, that I've always chosen him, even when he was just a name in a pile of applications. Finally, I can breathe again and I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my chest.
I glance over at Levi, waiting for him. He seems stunned and I hope it's a good thing. I hope this is good news for him, though I guess I never really asked Levi how he felt about me. But I thought I knew... I mean, I do, right?
I reach out and take his hands, almost surprised by how much my own are shaking. Once I interlace our fingers though, I feel myself relaxing once more. Him letting me touch him is good, even if he still hasn't said anything.
Why hasn't he said anything?
I can feel my face start to fall as I squeeze one of Levi's hands. That seems to get through to him because his voice starts to work once more, though not very well.
"I—" he swallows, cutting himself off and something about him seems off. Now that I look closer, that seems like panic in his eyes. I lean up on my elbow, squeezing his hands tight and that seems to get him started again. "I'm- I don't know what to say."
I can see him struggling to stay in control and I worry my lower lip. What is going on? Is he not happy? Does he not realize what this means?
"Are you sure, Charlotte?"
The question almost startles a laugh out of me. My grin slips back into place as I nod, "I'm sure."
I am. I am so sure that it's Levi. If it was ever going to be anyone in this group of guys, in any group of guys, it was going to be Levi. Even if I had to do it all over again, I would still choose Levi. The fact seems so obvious to me. But now I'm realizing it might not be so obvious to Levi.
So I need to make myself clear.
"I love you, Levi."
I'm no longer holding back. I'm putting all of myself out there. I love him. I love this man and as I gaze at him, he's getting increasingly more difficult to read. My heart starts to fall as I watch tears fill his eyes. Maybe Ambrose was right. Maybe Levi doesn't want to be here, doesn't want this... doesn't want me.
Maybe I was wrong.
"Levi?" I say his name again, trying to get him to focus but he doesn't seem capable of anything more than a hum. I want to reach out and check his forehead but something tells me not to let go of his hands. So instead I ask, "Are you okay?"
He shakes his head then and something in me stops. All the elation I felt in finally knowing, all the excitement I felt in finally telling him, is drifting away. It's running through my hands like sand and I worry I'll never get it back.
"It's just... it's a lot," Levi says, breaking my hold on one of his hands to run through his hair. He glances all around the underside of the car we're still under, not able to meet my eyes as he finally asks another question. "Why? Why me?"
I wasn't expecting the question and I can't help but start at it. Why is he questioning it? I feel like I've made my feelings very clear to him, especially after I just told him I love him. Unless... unless he truly doesn't feel the same way.
Unless he, like all the others, is finding me lacking.
"Sorry," he says as he frantically pulls away from me. Before I can say anything he rolls himself out from under the car. His movements are harried and I worry more with every passing second.
What exactly is going on here?
I struggle to follow Levi out from under the car. My shoes and dress make it much harder and I am not used to the motion quite like he is. When I finally get out, he's already standing and has crossed the garage, putting space between us.
I watch him as he paces slightly. I can't help but watch him, worried about him. I've never seen him react to anything like this. Not our last fight, that wasn't pretty but we came out of it better. Not even when he told me why he went into the Coast Guard. That had been hard for him, telling me something so personal, still he hadn't reacted like this. Now, when faced with my final decision, it kind of looks like he's freaking out.
And that terrifies me.
"Is—" he tries but it's a false start. He stops and turns to me, taking a deep breath though I can still see panic in his eyes. "Is everyone else gone?"
"Yes," I tell him, trying to be as clear as I can. "There's no one else, no one but you."
"What if—" Levi's voice breaks and he won't even look at me. My heart picks up, this time in fear instead of excitement. Is this it? Is this the moment he tells me he doesn't want me? That he'd rather go home too? My thoughts spiral but Levi's voice breaks through, grounding me back in the moment. "What if they were better for you?" Levi swallows as he stares at his hands. Now as he speaks, his voice is low, scared, "You deserve better."
Relief washes over me. Is that all he's worried about? Doesn't he realize all he is to me?
"That's what you don't get," I tell him and I sound harsher than I mean to. Something about his worry nags at me. Everyone is always worried about what's best for me, or who's best for me. But no one ever stops to consider that maybe I am the one who should be making that decision. I cross the room to stand in front of him and look up at him. "I don't care if I deserve "better", I want you."
Finally Levi looks up at me, meeting my eyes once more. I take his grease covered hands in mine once more and pour every emotion, every intention that I can into my next words. I have a feeling it could make all the difference in the world.
"There is no one better than you," I tell him. And then I let my instincts take over. To try to prove to him just how much I mean it, I stand up on tiptoes and press my lips to his. I drop his hands to reach up and snake my hands around his neck and into his mussed hair. Levi hesitates for a moment, like he does, and then relief pulses through me once more. He returns my kiss, wrapping his arms around my waist and letting himself relax into me.
But it only lasts a moment.
Too soon, I hear his voice, telling me to wait as he pulls back and once again, I feel my heart shattering at the look in his eyes. He's all sorrow and confusion.
"Wait," he says again as he breaks my hold, stepping back from me, putting too much distance between us. His voice is a mere whisper as he explains, "I still need time, I'm sorry."
"I—" I want to fight but the look in his eyes tells me this isn't the right time. I've already fought with him, for him. Now he needs to take up the fight. He needs the time to realize that he's worth it. So I say the hardest words I've ever said in my life. "I understand."
And I think I do. Or at least I try to. It's hard to fully understand around my breaking heart, but if I want Levi, if I truly want Levi, then I owe him this. I need to let him have this.
Levi lifts his head in surprise, clearly not expecting me to understand even a little bit. Relief shines briefly in his eyes and just the edge of sheer panic is filed off of him as he nods and takes his leave.
I wait. And wait. And wait.
I think a part of me thought he'd come right back and for every minute that he doesn't my heart falls a bit farther. I know I didn't make a mistake, not when it came to Levi, but that doubt still lingers.
Because maybe I didn't make a mistake in choosing Levi...
... but maybe Levi thinks choosing me is.
—
I can't help the tears as I sit next to Wynnie in my room. For the first time in a long time, I have my door closed. I hadn't wanted to seem closed off to the guys, I'd wanted them to feel comfortable coming to me at any time and getting to know me better. For the past couple of months, the only times my door has been closed was at night or when I was out of the palace. But now, I want some privacy with my emotions.
"He will come around," Wynnie assures me, not for the first time but I appreciate the sentiment all the same.
"He's an idiot," Henley complains from my bed and I narrow my eyes at her.
"He is not," I tell her, tired all of a sudden. Tired of everyone's opinions.
"He is!" Henley insists, sitting up to look at me. "Charlotte, you love the guy, and I know he loves you. He has for so long it's stupid. He's just refusing to see it and I don't understand why. So yeah, he's an idiot."
"He just has to sort everything out in his head," Wynnie supplies, shaking her head at Henley, but Henley isn't stopping.
"What's there to figure out? They love each other! And Charlotte's a princess! If she can't get an easy happy ever after, what hope do the rest of us have?"
"I'm more than a princess," I tell her, tired of her always thinking that just because of my crown, everything should be easy for me. "And honestly, I think that's half the problem here."
I can see Henley opening her mouth to continue, but her words never come out. Instead, my bedroom door swings open with no warning. For a brief moment I wonder if Levi has come to tell me he's decided on something but as soon as I see who stands in my doorway, I have to fight the urge to hide.
"So that's it? You've ended it all and somehow still chose him?!" My father's voice fills the room and I can tell Henley has no idea what to do. She's never seen my father like this and the instinct to run is flashing through her eyes. I give her a look, a go ahead, before turning back to my father.
"Yes, I ended it," I tell him trying to sit up straighter, like I mean business. I doubt he believes me, not with the tears still lingering in my lashes.
He narrows his eyes at me. "What has happened?"
"Nothing," I say, shaking my head and wiping at my eyes. "Nothing at all." But my father is no idiot.
"If you have finished this, if you have chosen this man, then where is he? Why are you sitting in here, crying?" He narrows his eyes and I gulp.
"I—" I flounder to find something to tell him but I know it's no use. I sigh and tell him, "Levi has asked for some time to sort through everything."
"He's refused you," I can't ignore the hopeful note in my fathers words and I bristle.
"No," I say and it's as firm as I've been since Levi didn't return my sentiments. "No, he didn't. He just has a lot to sort through. He has a whole life that he would be leaving behind, he just wants to be sure. I can't deny him that."
"No," my father says, a bit softer now and something about the look in his eye worries me. "No you cannot."
As he walks back through my door, my stomach drops. I don't like the knowing look in his eye, not at all. He's up to something.
The question is, what?
July 12
12:15 am
I startle awake as I hear voices. I hadn't been able to figure out exactly what my father was up to, and I had found myself wandering around, not wanting to talk to anyone anymore. When I walked down the hallway that started all of this mess, I noticed that my father's office door was still open. It was odd and I knew then and there that whatever it was that he was up to, it was happening here. So, I went to my office and waited.
I don't know when I fell asleep but when I wake up I can feel the imprint of a throw pillow completely mashed into my face. I must have slept hard for that to have happened. It takes me a moment to remember why I did wake up and then I hear them again.
It's clear that the voices are two men and one of them is most definitely my father. I can hear his low chuckle from here. It only takes a few moments for me to place the other voice.
It's Levi.
I stumble off of my office couch, having to catch myself on the coffee table as I lose balance momentarily. The voices are still talking, though I can't make out their words. Normally, I can't hear anything from my father's office. But it's the middle of the night and sound carries differently at night. I need to know what's going on. So, while I know my father would be upset to find me eavesdropping, I inch closer to my door, straining to hear anything I can.
"When would I leave?" I hear Levi ask and my blood runs cold. Levi's leaving? Why? And why wouldn't he talk to me about it?
"Early tomorrow morning," my father's voice intones and even from here I can hear how smug he must look. And then I think about it, why would my father be telling Levi when he would leave?
"And Charlotte will be told?" Levi asks and I wish I could see his face. What is going on? And why wouldn't he tell me himself?
"Of course," my father sounds completely at ease, like he's getting everything he's ever wanted, and that scares me more than anything. "I'll tell her myself."
"I'll do it," I hear Levi say and I stumble back, no longer able to listen to any more. My head spins as I sit on my couch once more. My breathing is ragged and I can't seem to focus on anything.
That's it. He's leaving. He's made up his mind and he didn't even talk to me about it.
No, instead... he talked to my father?
I don't know how long I stay there like that, holding myself on my couch. It could have been mere moments, it could have been hours. My limbs feel heavy as I break out of my fog and force myself to move. It must not have been that long because when I finally leave my office, I can still see the lamp on in my fathers.
I don't bother knocking, just like he didn't bother earlier. Instead, I just push the door open wider and I stare at my father. When I finally find the will to speak, my voice sounds tired and broken, "What did you do?"
I don't worry about how accusatory I sound. I just don't have it in me to care anymore. All I know is Levi is leaving me and my own father had something to do with it.
"I did what needed to be done," he tells me, setting his highball glass on the table next to him. He doesn't look overly pleased with himself, not like how he sounded while talking to Levi, but he doesn't look sympathetic either. "That boy doesn't belong here, Charlotte. We all know it, you just refuse to see it."
"He belongs with me," I insist, feeling some of the fight come back into me, just a touch. "I don't care what you think, he belongs with me."
"I know, I know, you don't care about my opinion." My father rolls his eyes and honestly, my mother wonders where I get it from? He sighs and looks at me. "But maybe you should. Maybe you should care about my opinion. If you did, maybe you wouldn't be in this situation."
"I still would," I tell him defiantly. "I wasn't meant to be with any of the others, no matter how many times you shoved someone down my throat or helped them along."
"Well if that's true, then he'll come back, won't he?" My father looks smug and I freeze. Come back? What? He must read my confusion because now he's openly smiling, mocking me. "You eavesdropped but didn't bother to listen to the entire conversation? Now daughter, you should know better than that." He takes back up his drink, finishing the last of it before continuing. He sighs and now he just sounds tired. "You were right. He's not refusing you. Instead, he's going home for a few days to clear his head, get a bit of a reset. There, he will consider his options fully and figure out what is best... for both of you. Then at the end of the week, we will all have his answer and this will all be put to rest."
"So he could come back?" I ask him, making sure I understand him completely.
"Yes, Charlotte." My father sighs once more. "I suppose he could." His look tells me everything. He's hoping Levi won't come back. That he will go home and realize that he is better off in Calgary. He's hoping that Levi doesn't love me enough to come back, that finally he will get his way.
But Levi could come back. He could come back to me.
He could choose me.
—
I don't know exactly when Levi is leaving, but I know it's this morning and I know it's going to be early. The way my father made it sound last night, Levi wouldn't even be here for breakfast today. It wouldn't surprise me if he will have Levi scheduled on the first flight out.
I spent most of my night talking through things with Audrey, bless her. She is my most practical friend and I was so grateful to her for staying up with me. I look over to where she lays, curled up in a chair, quietly dozing off. She finally fell asleep around three a.m. but I haven't been able to sleep at all.
But it's thanks to her that I'm not still crying. She talked me down, helped me to see the rationale behind my father's motives, even if we both agree that he's most likely doing it to manipulate Levi. Just as I've said before, should Levi choose me, he'd be leaving behind an entire life. He would be changing everything, even things about himself, that no one would ever think they'd change. He'd be giving up his home, his career, his privacy... all for me. He needs to be sure of this choice, because ideally things would never go back. Ideally, we would be together forever. That's what I want. He needs to be sure it's what he wants too.
I just worry he might decide that I'm not what he wants, that he doesn't want this life. I worry he'll decide to stay.
At this point, it's my greatest fear.
I refresh my screen once more. In front of me is the nearest airport's schedule, reloading for probably the tenth time. I know from past trips that commercial airlines don't always update their schedules until the day of. When exactly they update depends on the weather coming in. They usually try to wait for dawn, especially the airport we've been using for most of the Selected flights to and from the castle. I've been idly loading this webpage once every five minutes for about an hour now. I'm not expecting an update but then suddenly, there it is. One flight heading out to Calgary, first thing this morning.
Levi will be on that flight.
I glance at the departure time and then at the corner of my screen, checking the time. If he is on that flight he would have to leave... now. He'd have to be leaving pretty much right now. I close my laptop and go into overdrive. I have to see him before he leaves. I know my father told me to give him space, but if this is the last time... no, I can't think like that. I can't think that he's not returning. I have to have faith that he will come back to me. If I don't... I don't know how I'll move forward.
I rush around, pulling on a pair of leggings and the first sweatshirt I find, trying not to be too loud. Audrey deserves some rest after the night I put her through. Finally dressed I rush through the palace. The front door, they would have him exit through the front door, just like all the others eliminated during this thing. It would be my father's last little dig at the both of us, to put that feeling in both of us.
Sure enough, when I pull open the heavy mahogany door, there he is, almost in his car.
"Levi!" I call out into the morning, my heart breaking at the sight before me. I rush my way down the steps and throw myself at him, crushing him in the tightest hug. For just a moment, I feel as if I could just hold on tight enough, he won't leave. He'd choose to stay.
"Charlotte?" he whispers my name against my hair and my heart breaks. When did he stop calling me "princess"? When did he start only referring to me by my name? I hold on tighter for just a moment as he asks me why I'm here, why I'm not sleeping.
Fair enough. He probably wasn't expecting me to know he was even leaving yet. He probably thought my father would tell me at breakfast, or maybe earlier, but not nearly early enough for me to catch him leaving.
"I couldn't sleep," I tell him. I look up at him, trying to tell him everything he's not ready to hear yet with just a single look. "I had to see you off."
"I'm sorry—" he starts to say but I cut him off. I don't want him to be sorry. If there's one conclusion I came to last night in all of my discussions, it's that. I don't want him to be sorry, I want him to be sure.
"No, no, please don't be sorry," I tell him, and I mean it though I have to keep the tears in my eyes from falling. Finally, I let go of him and take a step back, trying to prove that I can give him the space he needs, even if it hurts.
"Please don't be sorry," I tell him again. "If this is what it takes for you to make a decision- and to come back to me... then I'll take it."
"I—" Levi starts but I watch as he cuts himself off. I know what he's thinking. He wants to comfort me, he wants to tell me he will see me soon. He still cares about me that much, but he doesn't want to give me false hope. He doesn't want to make me a promise he can't keep. Instead, he battles himself as he murmurs, "You're a lot stronger than I am, Charlotte. You know that?"
Oh if he only knew. If he knew how hard this was for me, if he knew how I desperately want to cling onto him and beg him to stay, he would know the truth. If he knew how I cling to every second I keep him in my sight, he wouldn't be calling me strong. It's taking every ounce of willpower I own to stay standing, he would see just how weak I really am.
I'm about to respond, about to say something though I don't know what when the driver lets out a honk of the horn. I cringe and jump, irritated. Doesn't he know what is going on? I couldn't care less if Levi misses his flight. In fact, I'd prefer it. I'm about to lean my head in the window and tell him as much when Levi moves.
All of my thoughts are cut off as Levi leans down and presses a soft kiss to my lips. I gasp, more heartbroken than ever as he uses my moment of distraction to turn and climb into the idling car, closing the door between us.
The act feels so final. Like that was his answer that I've been so desperately waiting for. That no matter what Levi feels for me, those feelings are small in comparison to everything else that stands in our way. Before I really know what's happening, the car is driving away from me and I can't stop watching it. And while the kiss felt final, I can't help but to hang onto what little shred of hope I still have left. Like at any moment I'm going to see the tail lights flare and there will Levi be, running back to me. But that doesn't happen and with every rotation of the tires on the gravel, my heart shrinks a bit more.
When I can no longer see the car it dawns on me that this is it, this is really it. Levi's not getting out of that car, he's not coming back. And maybe he never will.
It's then that I collapse.
July 14th
9:34 am
"Alright, that's enough, you have to get out of bed," my mother's voice fills my room but I ignore her. It's almost ten am and I am still laying in bed, like I have for the past two days since Levi's left.
My family, to their credit, did leave me alone for most of it. My sister, cousins and friends rotate in to offer what comfort and support that they can. I appreciate all the love but really the only person I want to see is Levi. It's been two days since he's walked out of the palace, since he walked away from me and I've felt every minute of it. I don't think I've slept for more than an hour or two at a time and at this point, I'm barely drinking coffee. I just don't want to. All I want is to be left alone.
Of course, my mother is having none of it.
Not happy with my ignoring her, I hear her huff from the doorway and stomp further into the room. Soon I can see her disgruntled face in my view, but still I can't bring myself to care.
"Charlotte, get up," she insists. When I say nothing, her voice raises an octave, "I did not raise you to completely fall apart over some boy."
If I were a worse daughter I'd throw it in her face that she didn't raise me. I'd point out once again that she left that to the nannies while she and my father worried about raising the country. But I don't. I don't have the energy to argue with her. So instead, I just roll over, onto my other side, forcing her out of my view once more.
Unsurprisingly, she uses this as an excuse to give up, just as I knew she would. "Fine, Charlotte," she huffs as she walks to my door. "If you're going to be like this, fine. Mope and whine but soon you'll find that you have to move on with your life. Your father and I have some suggestions, when you're ready to hear them, you just let us know."
Her words hit exactly how she intended.
You have to move on with your life.
Like I can just move on from Levi. Like this Selection was a simple thing that I went through. Like I can just do it all over again or that I would want to. Like I didn't fall in love with Levi or like I can just move on from it. She's also making it sound like it's a done deal. This is it, he's not coming back. Like she knows something I don't.
Tears fill my eyes as the thought crosses my mind that maybe they do. Maybe they do know something I don't and they're just not telling me, or this is their way of telling me. I have to hope that's not true though. I have to hope that he will come back.
Because as the days tick on, I find that I need him to come back.
I need Levi in my life.
—
I don't sleep exactly, but I definitely zone out, trying to stop the ever racing thoughts in my head. When I next refocus, it's Henley in my room.
"You need to eat," she tells me. I can see the concern in her eyes and it breaks what little is left of my heart.
"I'm not hungry," I tell her, shaking my head. I'm really not. Just the thought of eating makes my stomach turn.
"I know, but you need to eat something, anything," Henley repeats herself and I shake my head again. She sighs. "Char, you can't do this to yourself. You don't even know the answer. You can't do this to yourself, not yet."
"Hen, what if he doesn't come back?" I ask, my voice breaking as I put my greatest fear into words.
"You can't think like that though," Henley says, shaking her own head.
"But what if he doesn't? What do I do if he really is gone?" I ask her, pushing the topic.
She sighs and seems to really think about it, "Then you'll mourn and you'll cry. And then you will get angry and eventually it will be a dull ache and maybe one day you will move on and find someone else. But for now, we don't know anything. We don't know what his answer will be so we can't stop living. Not yet."
"I don't know what to do," I tell her softly.
"I know, Charlotte, I know," she says softly, smoothing hair from my face. She sighs and holds up a piece of bread with butter, "First, let's eat at least a little bit, yeah?"
I take the bread and take my first bite. It turns to glue in my mouth and it's all I can do to eat the entire slice. But I do it and that seems to satisfy Henley for now. We sit for a little while longer, talking about nothing really, but for the first time in days, I feel alive again.
So I guess that's progress.
—
The next time I come to, it's to the sound of running water. I sit up in my bed looking around and trying to figure out who's on rotation. I feel like a child, unable to mediate my emotions and needing a babysitter. But I know it's just a sign that they all care, though right now I barely care.
My sister smiles softly as she exits my bathroom and comes to stand next to my bed. She looks about as tired as I feel and she rubs at her swollen belly. Instantly, I feel guilt over worrying her and making her take care of me.
"You shouldn't have to take care of me," I tell her, my voice weak and cracking. It's then that I realize I must have been alone for hours, ever since Henley left this afternoon. Judging by the darkness outside, it's getting close to midnight.
"It's always been me," she tells me softly, sitting on the edge of my bed. "Mom and dad were mostly absent and we both knew it was me or the nannies. So of course, I should be here. I want to be here."
Her choice of words bring a fresh wave of tears to my eyes. She wants to be here but she also has to be. I'm her sister and no matter what Hellie loves me. She has to. I'm a burden to her.
Is that how Levi feels? That I would be too much of a burden, that being here would be too much of a burden? I can feel the panic welling up in me and my tears start to fall once more. I didn't even know I had more tears to waste.
"Oh, Charlotte, come on, that's not what I meant," Hellie sighs and reaches out to smooth back my hair, just like Henley earlier. Her nose crinkles. "Henley was right. You need a shower." She pats my hip and stands up, reaching her hand out to me. "Come on, we need to get you washed up. You smell awful."
I don't have it in me to fight her. I don't even have it in me to fight back the tears anymore. Hellie takes me by the hand and leads me into the bathroom where my oversized tub is filling up fast. She doesn't say anything, just helps me undress and pull my hair out of the way and sink down into the warm water.
I don't know how long I spend in the water, but by the time I come out, the water has turned cold and my fingers are wrinkled beyond recognition. I'm surprised to find Hellie still here though I definitely notice that she's had someone in to change my sheets. Probably a good idea. I haven't been out of that bed for three days. As bad as I smelled before my bath, my bed probably smelled just as bad.
I turn to my sister, now sitting in one of my chairs and tell her, "I'm sorry you have to do all of this."
"Seriously, Charlotte, it's fine," Helena tells me. She pats the arm of the chair next to her and I follow her lead, pulling my robe tighter around me as I sit. She sighs as she takes me in and I can only imagine what she's seeing. Probably a waste of a princess, that's how I feel.
"You know, I'm surprised at you," she tells me suddenly and I blink at her a few times, surprised and confused. "I mean, I, of all people, probably understand what's going through Levi's head the most."
It's the first time anyone has said Levi's name to me since he's left. Like if they don't mention him by name, I will forget about him quicker. As if I could forget about him at all.
"What do you mean?" I ask her and still, my voice sounds lagged.
"I mean, what do you think was going through my head when I left? Don't you think I had to weigh everything to know if I thought Enzo was worth it? Don't you think I second guessed myself everyday? Charlotte, I had to think about it all," she says and she almost sounds frustrated. "Here I was, barely 22 and considering leaving my family, my country, everything I was raised for and worked for. Could I do it? Could I leave everything and was he worth it? Obviously I found my answer to be yes, but it wasn't easy. And it certainly wasn't a snap decision."
"It always felt like it was," I tell her, remembering that time. I was at school at the time, the first in the family to go to boarding school. My parents had wanted me around ambassador's kids, making connections that would be useful to my sister in the years to come. Here I was making connections useful for me in my not-so-distant future. "It felt like it came out of nowhere."
"I know it seemed like that," Helena tells me, a hurt smile on her face. She shifts, unable to get completely comfortable in the chair. I can tell she wants me feet up so I shove the ottoman over to her, pulling my feet under me and settling once more. "I know it seems like I just woke up one day and decided to run away. But it wasn't like that at all. I met Enzo when I was fourteen. We spent years communicating and falling in love. We spent so many nights arguing and trying to figure out how it would work. Other nights we spent trying to figure out how to be without each other. We tried so hard to walk away. So many times but we just never could. That's when we started talking about how to make it work and you know the result of that. But it was never easy, Charlotte, never think that walking away from all of you was ever easy."
"I didn't know," I tell her, feeling smaller than ever before. I did always look at it all as if she hadn't given it much thought. In the back of my mind I never really gave her the benefit of the doubt that it was hard for her. I just always felt like she saw it as I was here, the spare, and it wasn't that difficult of a decision to make. I'd been thinking about it all wrong. "I'm sorry."
"Charlotte, that's not why I'm telling you now," she sounds exasperated now and I guess I can't blame her. It is late and I know this baby isn't letting her sleep all that much in this final stretch of her pregnancy. She's tired and I'm being selfish. She looks at me and tries once more, "I'm simply saying you need to believe in him a little bit. Know that all he's doing is trying to make the best decision. For him, for his sister, and even for you. He's trying his best."
"I know," I tell her, and I do. It just doesn't mean it hurts any less being away from him. She gives me a doubtful look and I hurry to explain myself. "It's taking every ounce of control in me not to go to Calgary but I know that Levi has a lot going on. I know he's made an entire life for himself and for Abri. I know he needs to take this seriously because otherwise we will never work. I just— I thought we were on the same page. I thought we had already worked through all that."
"Well did you talk about it?" she asks calmly and I shift in my seat. We did... kind of. A little. Clearly not enough. She sees my hesitation and sighs. "Charlotte, give the guy the benefit of the doubt. If he comes back, great. If not, then just believe it was what was best for him."
My heart sinks though. What if he finds what's best for him isn't me? The thought brings tears to my eyes.
Because in my heart, I know he's what's best for me.
July 15
12:57 pm
Today is the first day that I've left my room since Levi left. I don't know how long he plans on being gone, I only hope that he plans to make his decision soon. I can't stand too much more of this but the thought of just laying around and waiting is too much to bear.
Idly, I walk the halls, hoping to find anything to take up my time. But I'm not allowed in on anything official. I don't blame my dad. I'm not in the right headspace and I certainly am not dressed to be seen by anyone. Instead, I just wander the halls, waiting for anything to catch my attention.
"Aunt Charlie!" A small voice rings out in the hallway and my heart leaps. Auggie runs full force, smacking into me and holding on tightly. I lean down and wrap my arms around him, hugging him back. After a few moments he beams up at me though I can see concern in his eyes. "Aunt Charlie, are you feeling better? Momma said you were sick so I couldn't come see you!"
"Awe Auggie, that's so sweet, I'm sorry I was sick," I tell the little boy, leaning down and lifting him. I groan as I do. "Did you grow? You're heavier than before!"
My nephew giggles as he clings to me. Soon, Enzo approaches and I can tell by the look in his eye that he's as concerned for me as everyone else seems to be.
"We're happy to see you out of bed, Charlotte," he says softly, his accent rolling my name. I flush, embarrassed that even my brother in law is aware of how pathetic I am.
"I- It's been hard," I tell him haltingly, unsure of what all to say.
Enzo nods and reaches out to take Auggie. "I am sure it has been. I remember how hard it was to navigate the early years and your sister had much the same reaction the first couple of weeks after our marriage."
"She did?" I ask him, surprised.
"Of course," he tells me, looking at me surprised. "She left all of you, with very little answers. You and Luc and this country were her life, everything she had worked for. She made a very difficult decision. I am just thankful everyday that she chose me."
"What if she hadn't?" I ask him, realizing for the first time that maybe Enzo and I are more alike than I ever would have guessed.
"It would have broken my heart, that is absolute." Enzo nods seriously. He nuzzles against his son's soft curls and then puts the squirming toddler down to run around us. "But it is most definitely a worry I had. I thought about it over and over, agonized over it until I had her decision. I would have lost my other half, though I knew even then that I couldn't have blamed her. I would have grieved and raged and who knows what else. But I never would have blamed her, or at least I like to think so. Honestly, I don't know Charlotte. It's a 'what if' that haunts me to this day."
"How do I survive if he doesn't come back?" I ask him. What do I have to lose?
"I don't know, Charlotte... one day at a time, I suppose?" Enzo says a bit sadly. He glances around us, just in time to see Auggie take off around a corner. He gives me a final apologetic smile and takes off after his young son.
I watch him go, thinking about his words. One day at a time. It seems unimaginable right now.
Right now, all I can hope is that my story turns out like his.
July 16th
7:23 am
Something's different this morning. Granted, I haven't been to breakfast with my family in about a week, and I'm still not eating anything, but something feels off today. My parents keep glancing at me and then each other. I can't seem to figure out what exactly is going on, even my siblings seem on edge, watching intently every time someone enters the room. Finally tired of it all, I stand about to exit the room with my cup of coffee when suddenly my father's assistant rushes into the room.
I, along with everyone else, watch as he rushes to my father's side, not stopping to look at anyone else along the way. My father seems to have been waiting for him, though I'm not sure why, and as he approaches my father turns to him, putting his back to the entire room. This feels very dramatic, but even I stop to wait and see what is going on.
After a couple of long moments, my father seems to get whatever information he's been waiting for and turns to take his spot back at the table. I roll my eyes, ready to move on from his dramatics but he stops me in my tracks.
"Charlotte, a word?"
Something about his tone sinks my stomach. Everyone else seems to hold their breath as my father rises from the breakfast table and motions for me to meet him at the door. I follow his unspoken commands and follow him out into the hall. He doesn't lead me far before putting me out of my misery.
"Firstly, I would like you to know I wasn't hoping for one outcome or another when I suggested to Mr. Hernandez that he return home to clear his head for a few days. I truly wanted him to make the best decision for both of you," he tells me, his voice calm and even. My stomach sinks even further. My father never talks to me about Levi, not anymore. No, whatever else he has to say, I'm not going to like. I try to walk away, but he reaches out, grabbing my arm and keeping me in place. "When I suggested that he make his way to Calgary, I made it very clear there was a time limit on his hiatus. If he were to return, he would have a car at his house on the last day, ready to bring him back here."
"That's not fair," I tell him, shaking my head and trying to argue a moot point. "He should have as much time as he needs."
"No, I didn't want this pining to go on forever," my father snaps and I cringe. Of course he didn't. He wanted a simple, straightforward answer and by giving Levi a deadline, he's forcing his hand. It irks me but something tells me this isn't what he wanted to tell me. "In any case." My face clears his throat and I tense. It's coming, I just know it. "Today was the last day for his deliberations."
This is it, I realize. This is the answer I've been waiting almost a week for. Suddenly I feel like I can't breathe and it takes every spare ounce of concentration I have to even focus on my father's next words.
"The car waited for thirty minutes," he says and I know it before he even says it. I know my answer isn't good. I know the resolution before the verdict is even read. But my father continues on anyway. "Charlotte, he made his choice. He isn't coming back. This is it."
I don't hear anything else. The only sounds that reach me are the echoed breaking of my heart and my coffee cup as I collapse to the floor. Far off I can hear a wailing and it takes more than a few moments for me to realize it's me.
I can feel hands on me but I can't focus on who is in front of me, shaking me, trying to get me to calm down. All I can focus on is the pain in my heart. I hadn't realized until now that I had been holding out hope. I had thought that I'd been preparing myself for the worst, but I never could have prepared myself for this.
I don't know who it is that lifts me, but suddenly I'm suspended in the air and moving through the halls. I quiet against my savior and as we make another turn, I realize that whoever it is is taking me back to my room, back to my little sanctuary.
"Thank you," I murmur against them and I can feel my rescuer tense. I glance up and see Bard. Tears fill my eyes as I look at him. Bard and Levi grew close, I'm sure this is hard for him too. I sniffle as I struggle to voice my question, "Bard, what did I do wrong?"
"Nothing, Charlotte," Bard says sternly, almost angrily. "Nothing at all. This isn't your fault."
I purse my lips, not wanting to argue. It's easy for him to say that, but I can't be true. I must have done something wrong. I just can't figure out what.
—
Now that they have their answers, my family wastes no time in forcing me back into my everyday duties. Luckily they don't make me sit through the PR meeting to discuss how they want to spin my eliminating every Selected but one only to be rejected. I can't imagine what story they're going to give to the public and right now, I'm finding I don't care. In fact, I don't care about much of anything right now. I can't bring myself to have the energy too. I don't even care about the meeting I'm currently sitting in on.
But my father knows that.
I stare idly at the blank paper on the large table in front of me. I should be taking notes, but that appears to be too much for me. Instead I idly spin my pen, letting the talking voices around me drone on and become not much more than a murmur. I don't pay them much mind, images and memories of Levi invading my brain.
I run through it all. From the very first time I saw his application, something about Levi stuck out to me. He didn't sugar coat his past and he just seemed like such a breath of fresh air. Everyone else actively tried to make themselves sound better, Levi just tried to tell the truth.
And then I saw him at my birthday ball and it was like I couldn't see anyone else but him.
There, standing out above all the others, was Levi. He'd wanted to dance so badly. He'd wanted to join in so badly but something was holding him back. Until me. He let me take him by the hand that last, he'd let me lead him out onto the floor and let me spin him around in the crowd. He'd trusted me without even knowing me and it had felt like the most precious gift I could ever receive on my birthday.
All the other times fly by in my mind's eye now that I started. Every little moment sticks out to me. Every moment that Levi smiled at me and called me princess in the way that he did. Every time that he reached out to hold me, reached out to protect me, reached out to kiss me plays over and over again. Every moment that we had is highlighted in my mind and I just can't stop seeing it all.
Where did we go wrong? What did I do wrong?
I just want to know what I did wrong.
—
I don't know how long the meeting runs. It feels like all day but the next thing I know, I'm being shaken, a hand on my shoulder.
"Charlotte," Wynnie's voice is breaking through my fog and I look up at her, my heart breaking for both of us.
"Oh, Wynnie, I am so sorry," I tell her, pulling her into me. "Wynnie I am so, so sorry that you went through this. I am so sorry. I know my pain must only be about half of what you must have felt. I am so sorry I wasn't there for you more."
"Oh, Charlotte, shhhh," she whispers, pulling me close to her. "I'm sorry too. I am so sorry that you're going through this."
"Wynnie, what do I do?" I ask her, my voice breaking.
I feel her take a deep breath against me. "I won't lie to you. It is very, very hard. But first, we get up and we wipe our tears. Then we go for a walk."
"A walk?" I ask her, confused.
"Yes, a walk," Wynnie says as she helps me stand. She looks me over and frowns. "But first, let's change you into something else. July isn't letting up and you cannot go outside in this, not when you haven't been eating or hydrating."
"Wynnie, I really don't care what I'm wearing," I tell her, shaking my head. "I don't even really want to go for a walk."
"I know," Wynnie says. "I know, but we're going to do it anyway, okay?"
I take a deep breath. "Okay, if you insist."
"I do insist, I really, really do." Wynnie nods, taking my hand once more and helping me get to my feet. She helps me the whole way, my cousin does. She walks arm in arm with me, helping me take every step and I can't help but be grateful for her help. When we get to my room, she gets to work, pulling a simple sundress from my closet. She sits me down at my vanity and gently coaxes the knots from my hair and helps me pull it back in a ponytail and lastly slip on a pair of simple sandals.
I would have preferred to have been in sweats, but for right now, I don't have the energy, or the care, to fight her on this. So I don't. I just let her coax me through every step until finally, we step outside my room. I can't say I actually feel any better, but I guess at least I'm doing something.
I don't pay attention as Wynnie leads me back through the palace. I just let her lead me, my mind replaying how many times I've walked these halls with Levi beside me. Everywhere I look, I see him. I remember him. How long will this go on? How long will I be haunted by the memories of what could have been?
I feel the sunlight before I really realize that I'm actually outside. I glance upward and am surprised when I notice the architecture of the front door. That's not the normal door I would go out for a walk in the garden. I glance down, down the stairs and to the car waiting at the base of the steps. And the man standing there.
He's not looking at me, not yet and I find I can't breathe. I don't make a sound, just clench my fists at my sides and refuse to say anything still because if I say anything, if I break this illusion, then it won't be true. If I make one single sound, he will be gone again. More than anything, I need him to not be gone again.
Finally Levi sees me and the raw pain and panic in his eyes almost sets me off. He runs up the steps, taking them two at a time and when he reaches me, he lifts his hands, cupping my cheeks. I can't hold the tears in now as I lift my own hands to his and squeeze, trying to make sure he's real.
He's as real as I can tell and when I open my eyes once more, he's still there.
"You're here," I can't describe the pain and the wonder in my voice as I look up into his eyes. I'm in awe as my greatest wish of the last five days is coming into reality right in front of me. He's here. He came back.
He came back for me.
"I'm here," he affirms, nodding down to me and for the second time today I collapse. I collapse into him and I wrap my arms around him and I never want to let him go.
—
We're driving and I can't stop looking at Levi. He's here, he came back and it's not adding up in my head.
"You- you weren't at the house," I tell him though, really, I'm trying to ask him exactly what happened. How did he get here? Why wasn't he at the house? Why didn't he come out to the car?
"I had already left," Levi informs me, glancing over at me, checking on me. Fair enough. I'm sure I don't look like my normal self.
I fidget, finding I can't quite meet his eyes, and then his words set in. I furrow my brow in confusion, "You... already left?"
"We had meant to be here much earlier. Our flights kept getting delayed and we almost switched flights completely but then at the last second decided not to—" Levi meets my eyes and then glances away once more, sighing. "It was a crazy night."
I understand the words he's saying but I'm not able to keep up. Right now, I'm getting hung up on one of the first things he's told me, "We?"
"Abri's here." He grins at the steering wheel. That makes sense. If anyone can make him smile, it's his sister. "She insisted on tagging along."
I smile to myself thinking of the younger girl. She's such a fire and something tells me she did everything she could to get Levi back here to me. I probably have her to thank for him being here today.
"That makes sense," I tell him, feeling it to be true in my bones. I straighten and face forward and then realize I have no idea where we are. "So, where exactly are we going?"
Levi grins back at me. "You'll see soon enough, princess."
His use of the nickname stuns me. It's been so long since I've heard it and I realize in that moment, I thought I never would again. My emotions crash over me and I can feel the tears welling up once more. Levi must see it on my face, because he reaches over to take my hand, grounding me, assuring me that he is indeed here. I cling to his hand like a life preserver, like I'll stop breathing if I let go.
He doesn't let go of me either.
We drive like that for a little while longer, fingers laced. I'm too tired to try to ask more questions, even as they fly through my head a mile a minute. Eventually, Levi pulls us off of the main road, taking us down a dirt road and coming up to a field. A sunflower field. I gape in awe as I take it in.
The flowers stand tall and proud, most of them already higher than I am. Unwilling to let him go, I keep my hand in Levi's as together, we move into the field. The sight surrounding me takes my breath away. Levi couldn't have chosen a more beautiful spot to take me, and it's so out of the way I feel like all of the pressures from the palace that I hadn't realized I was feeling, are finally off of my shoulders.
"This is beautiful," I murmur, petals kissing my skin as I brush my fingers along the ones I can actually reach. Levi just nods in agreement and looks at flowers on his own. He's fallen quiet and I can't imagine what is going through his head.
The further I walk into the field, the better I feel. I know now that Wynnie's "let's take a walk" was just a ploy to get me outside, but I think there was some truth to it as well. I do feel better letting the fresh air and sunshine wash over me. I feel fresher, freer, more awake. It's like a fog is lifting and as I'm surrounded by a million grounded suns, I finally feel like I can smile for the first time in days.
"Charlotte," Levi calls to me and it's only then that I realize how far away from him I've traveled.
"Yes, Levi?" I ask him, the smile still playing on my face as he just looks at me. I can't help it. Now that he's here, he's actually here, I can't help the feeling that everything will be okay, that everything will turn out okay. I start to follow my path back to him when he stops me in my tracks with his next words.
"I love you."
Levi's words knock the wind out of me. I mean, I know I told him that I loved him, and I've felt for a long time that Levi might return my feelings, but to hear it? To actually hear the words from his lips? It's a whole new level of knowing. Levi continues.
"And I should have told you that before," he tells me. He takes a couple of steps towards me and then stops, almost as if to get the words out there needs to be a small amount of distance between us. "When you told me you chose me, I should have told you that. I wanted to, so badly but... I was terrified of telling you."
"There's a reason I never looked for a relationship," Levi tells me and my breath catches. I knew he would eventually explain to me why he needed to go home, why he lived as if he were punishing himself, and why he chose to return. I just wasn't expecting it now. He's surprising me at every turn now, it seems. He clears his throat. "There's a reason why I thought I would die alone."
I hate it when he talks like that. I hate it when Levi talks about him dying let alone punishing himself by never allowing himself to connect with someone. It hurts me that that is the view he has of himself, especially since I see him so differently.
"I told you I had been running when I went to the Coast Guard. And that was true. But I haven't stopped, even after I came home. Even after I had a different life with Abri at the garage," his eyes look serious now and I know I need to hang on every word. I know I need to memorize them, because this is who Levi believes he is at his core. These are the fundamentals of his life that he has been hanging on to. I just hope he's realized it doesn't have to stay that way. He looks at me, sees me, watches my reactions and I hope I'm doing a good job, I hope that I'm showing him that I'm here for him, that I don't think that way. I hope I'm giving him the love he needs and deserves at this moment. Levi swallows and continues, "I was still running, Charlotte, and I was still running even after you told me you loved me."
I remember that moment so well. It was only a week ago but for me, it feels like just an hour ago. I've had it running on repeat ever since it happened, constantly trying to figure out where it all went wrong. Now that Levi's put a name to the emotion in his eyes, it all makes more sense. I should have taken it slower... but I'd thought that's what we'd been doing the entire time.
"I thought— soon after Dad died —that I would turn out just like him."
This statement breaks my heart more than anything else he could have said. I have a feeling I don't know everything, not yet, but I can tell that things were bad for Levi when he was a kid. The panic in his eyes at the thought of becoming his father is evidence enough of that. But the thought that he could ever be that person, that person who would inspire such fear and hurt in someone else, is unthinkable. I may have only known him for seven months, but I know that isn't Levi.
"I thought I would become him, should I ever get married and have kids," Levi reiterates and I find I'm shaking my head because I know the truth. I know that isn't him. I know the man he really could be, but Levi isn't done. "He was the reason I left in the first place but I made up my own reason when I came home. Because I had run just like he did, I knew it was only a matter of time until I hurt someone." He takes a step forward and I have to force myself to stay where I'm at, let him come to me. I know this is taking all the strength in his body and this, I need to let him control, "So I stayed away from any romantic relationship, because I knew how it would end.
"And then the Selection happened and I met you."
Levi's words make me catch my breath. Both of our lives were forever changed thanks to the Selection. And for me, for both of us, all it took was seven months.
"I was terrified then, too, because I thought it would be easier to dislike you. I thought it would be easy to get eliminated and sent home because I wasn't expecting... you." Levi shakes his head, laughing at his own hubris, but I know the truth. A lot of the men walked in here expecting to find a spoiled princess who they would have nothing in common with. Many of them thought they would have an easy time getting to know me or getting me to fall in love with them. Some even thought they deserved to be there or that I would be easy to take advantage of. Very few walked in thinking they would go home quickly. But Levi was one of them apparently. He grins his self-conscious grin, glancing down and then back up, meeting my eyes once more. "I wasn't expecting you to seek me out when no one else did. I wasn't expecting you to care about me so much. And I wasn't expecting to care about you in return.
"But I did, and I do, and I'm still scared," he says as he takes one more step towards me. I keep feeling like I should interrupt, tell him it's okay, we don't need to talk about this right now, but something tells me to hold off. Something tells me I should wait and hear him out. I need to let Levi say what he needs to say and I need to hear it, even if it's not what I'm hoping for, even if I'm just as scared as he is to hear what's at the end of speech.
"I was still running, Charlotte, even when I left a few days ago. Because I knew what would happen if I said yes and I married you."
My breath catches in my throat at his words and a yearning opens up wide in me. I think this is the first time Levi's ever put into words what could happen at the end of this Selection. This is the first time I've heard Levi ever talk about his feelings and with everything he's telling me, it all makes sense now. But yes, I find there is a longing in me now, waiting and hoping that all of my girlish dreams might come true.
"But— I still had a choice to make. I wanted to choose you without regret. I wanted to choose you without being afraid of becoming him."
I want that too. I want him to choose me, above all else, but I want him to be sure. I don't want him choosing me now and then later resenting me or regretting his decision. That's the last thing I want. I want him to want me, and I want him to be sure.
"And then I realized... Dad made his choice," Levi's voice breaks me out of my thought spiral and I focus back on his words. I want to remember today, whichever way it goes. No matter what happens here, he told me he loved me. That's huge. That could last me a lifetime. Levi furrows his brow as he continues to speak, "He made his choice a long time ago to be the man that he was. And I have that same choice. I have the same choice, Charlotte, and I decided I don't want to make the choice he did. I don't want to be him.
"And I thought that by running I was escaping him but all that ever did was push me away from the people I care about. The people whose lives I missed," his voice breaks as he thinks about his sister... and I realize, his mom. That's why we're in a sunflower field. He'd told me that he always thought of her when he saw sunflowers. She must have been such a bright force in his life. I wish I could have met her. Levi looks up at me then and I realize how close we are, just an arm's length away. So close I want to hold him, but still so far apart I can tell he's kept this distance purposely. His jaw is set and that's how I know. I know he's decided something and whatever it is, it's going to change everything. I try to brace myself even as he tells me, "So I'm making the decision, here and now, to choose."
My eyes flood once more and I want to curse myself. This moment, this moment will change everything. If he's telling me he's ready to choose, then he's ready to choose. All of the panic fills me once more as I try to prepare myself. The problem is, I don't know what to prepare for.
"And I'm choosing you."
My heart stops then and a shaking overtakes me. I feel like I can't stand as his words replay over and over in my mind. I know Levi wanted this distance between us so he could continue to work through what he needed to work through. I know he needed it to get the words out, but I can't keep it anymore. I can't stay in this spot because if I don't move to him, the relief will sink me to my knees.
So I do. I make that step, I cross that bridge, and I wrap my arms around him delicately. I hate that I'm shaking. I hate that my body is reacting this way but it's like all of the panic and fear and heartache is exiting my body at once.
Levi chose me. And I know he didn't make that choice lightly.
He holds me close as my arms snake up around his neck. I can feel his words against my hair as he whispers, "That is... if you'll still have me."
I can't help it. A choked laugh escapes me. Like I would ever turn Levi away. Like I can even imagine surviving this world without him by my side. The idea is terrifying and laughable. I cling to him, unable to form the words to tell him everything. I'm still too amazed by what he just told me.
Suddenly he's moving and I let him go, confused. And then he pulls out a ring. I gasp, surprised and confused. I knew that once Levi made up his mind, he'd mean it but I never expected this. I never anticipated that he would be this ready, this fast. That is, if he's doing what I think he's doing.
"It's plastic," he chuckles looking down at the small ring. "I bought it at a gift shop on the way here—"
"I don't care." I shake my head, breathless, and I don't. I don't care if it's plastic. I wouldn't care if it were candy or a piece of string. But the small ring in his hand is pretty. It's simple, the fake gems in the shape of a sunflower and everything clicks once more. My eyes fill with tears to the point that I can barely see anymore and I shake my head once more. "Levi, I don't care, it's beautiful."
Levi glances down at it once more and I watch as he spins it lightly in his fingers. He seems to be steeling himself but when he looks at me there's so much love and hope in his gaze that my tears start to actually fall.
"Charlotte," he says my name like it's the answer to everything wrong in the world and I feel my knees go weak. He takes a deep breath and meets my eyes and then he smiles and I know everything will be alright.
"Charlotte, will you marry me?"
Light fills me and I can barely think, let alone speak. Words cannot accurately describe how happy I am in this moment, but I need to tell him anyway. I need to tell him everything.
"You have no idea how hard it was here without you. I missed you like crazy and I almost wanted to hate you for leaving," I confess and it's the hardest words I've ever said to him. I watch as he swallows, maybe nervous but he has no reason to be. He should know what my answer will be. But still, he needs to know, "And I wanted to hate you when I thought... when I thought you weren't coming back."
This morning was the hardest. I had gone completely numb and I'm surprised I functioned enough to even sit up during the entire meeting I went to.
"But I couldn't and I almost wished I did, but... but I was still holding out hope that you would come back," I didn't realize it at the time but I was. I was holding on to that sliver of a chance that I couldn't even acknowledge to myself. I clung to it like a lifeline and it was all that got me through. I don't know how I'm still talking but my voice somehow finds the strength, "And you did. You came back."
"You came back, even when you were scared. You came back, even though you thought all you had to offer was the broken pieces of a man who spent his entire life alone. But I have never seen that." I take a step back towards him, wanting to be near him, wanting to touch him again. I smile, needing to give him an answer, "Of course I'll marry you, Levi. I barely survived five days without you, I couldn't possibly do it for the rest of my life."
I laugh at myself, surprised and elated as Levi slides the plastic ring onto my finger. My mother will hate it, but I wouldn't want any other ring. It's perfectly Levi.
"I never knew your dad, Levi," I whisper to him, watching as he positions the ring on my finger just right. When he finishes, I look up at him, placing my hand on his chest. "But you have proven to me, over and over again, what kind of man you are. The kind of man that has compassion and protects and understands... and who has shown me continuously that he could never hurt me."
Now it's his eyes tearing up as my words sink into him. I can see the effect they have on him and I know this is something he will need to be reminded of from time to time. So I reiterate, "You couldn't hurt me, Levi. You have found yourself running from your father when I saw it all along that you have never been like him."
Levi's lips crash into mine and I can't help the sigh of relief that escapes me. He holds me delicately and that just won't do. I pull myself tighter against him, clinging to him as if I let go, he'll disappear and this will all fade away into fantasy. I can't help the chuckle as Levi lifts me, holding me tighter and I'm not at all surprised that tears are still falling from my eyes. At least this time, they're happy tears. Levi sets me down, but I'm not done. I hang on, keeping my grip around his neck and bury my face there. I take in his scent and my smile breaks out once more as I feel his lips on my neck, planting gentle kisses there, reminding me that this is real.
This is my life now. He's my life now.
"Thank you for saying that," Levi whispers to me and I nod.
"Thank you for coming back," I tell him though I don't know if he realizes how much I mean it. Not yet anyway.
He grins at me as he sets me down, "I should have a lot sooner."
Yes, yes he really should have. But I don't hold it against him. Instead I just press my lips to his once more, unable to stop myself.
And for once, I don't feel like I have to.