»I love you!«
I love you...
I love you...
I love you...
His words echoed in my ears. Again and again, I heard him say it.
I froze in my movement and stared at the ground with wide eyes.
I love you.
Heavily I swallowed the lump in my throat. Nervously my heart thumped in my chest, threated to break out and at the same time, I feared it would stop beating at all.
»St-Stop playing games with m-me,« I whispered.
That couldn't be true. He hated me. For all those years he harassed me with words, scarred me with those horrible marks, had never accepted me as his Beta or even as a person.
How? How could he love me? How could he even claim to know love? And then for me! For me! For me, the goddammit, useless, defective Beta.
»I'm not playing any games, Kyran!« he shouted desperately. »I love you and that for a long time.«
Again my breath hitched, and I gasped for air, trembling hard.
What did that mean? For a long time? How long? How? How? How? How was it possible that he loved me for a long time?
That... That couldn't be the truth. He had to lie.
Maybe he just couldn't endure me avoiding him because of the mate-bond because it drove us to each other. Maybe he tried to wrap me around his finger.
Maybe he had heard the talk between Ethan and me or Pa and me and had planned out how he could make me into a willing and submissive mate who he could mess with.
Maybe... Maybe... He had to lie!
»Stop lying.«
Tears welled up and my heart beat so out of rhythm that I feared I would collapse any second.
My hands trembled and to not drop to the ground, crying my eyes out, I pressed my hands against my chest which went quickly up and down.
I knew that I was about to or was already to hyperventilate but I couldn't bring myself to calm down. Couldn't force my heart to calm down and stop me from breathing faster and more hectically.
»I'm not lying!« He made a step forward but halted immediately when he noticed how much my body trembled.
»Please, let me explain,« he begged and sounded so despairing that everything inside of me got squeezed in torment. Tore me apart and at the same time, squeezed my guts.
What did he want to explain? That everything had a reason? What reason could there be that would explain him hurting the person he claimed to love? That couldn't be explained.
There was no explanation for it. That couldn't be forgiven. If he had explained it with the reason of hating me back then, then I could have accepted it, but love? No.
I actually wanted to scream right at him but only a hitched, trembling breath left my mouth. Hectically I slapped my hand over my mouth to muffle my sob.
I didn't want to cry in front of him. But that miserable sound had already left my body, what he noticed and whimpered despaired.
»I... I noticed that I had feelings for you when we were young,« he said with a trembling voice. »But... But I knew that you were my Beta and that I shouldn't love you. I hoped that I would forget you one day because you didn't have the same feelings for me or other men. But then you outed yourself and everything broke inside of me and drove me crazy...«
I remembered. I remembered how his expression had dropped and his face went as white as a sheet. I remembered how his attacks got worse after my outing, though he had avoided me before that – maybe still spoke a few words with me but nothing more.
And I had always thought he hated me because I was interested in men. That... How... I...
»I thought, maybe now I have a chance with you, could tell you what I felt and have a happy relationship with you. And at the same time, I was aware that it couldn't ever happen. You were my Beta and I couldn't... I couldn't love you. But I did and it destroyed me. I thought if we were in a relationship and you returned my feelings, we would love each other and then the day of my 18th birthday would come and I would recognize some girl as my mate, it would destroy you. I didn't want to break your heart, didn't want you to suffer, didn't want you to endure that. That... I wanted prevent that from happening.«
He thought about that for all those years?
I was about 14 years old when I outed myself and if he loved me even before and claimed to still do, then he loved me... so long.
Trembling, I took a breath. That couldn't be true. It just couldn't be. He had to lie. Somewhere in his words had to be a lie. What was the lie? Where did he hide it? I had to find out.
But wasn't it obvious what was the lie?
I love you. The biggest lie he could ever tell me.
For a long time. Another lie. Nobody would do this to someone they loved.
Didn't want to break your heart. And he still did it day after day. He could have just ignored me. Could have avoided me. But he chose the cruel way and rather tormented me.
»For all those years... For all those years I thought that if I kept you at a distance by treating you in that disgusting and mad way my feelings would disappear. That I would believe my own lie that I told you everyday, that you were disgusting, inferior and much worse. But they didn't disappear, only got bigger and I cursed at myself every single day. Every time I treated you like that, I hurt myself, but you hurt me. In the name of the goddess, I thought every time how pathetic I was that I treated you like shit. What piece of shit I am because I do that to the person I love. What dirty swine does this to their love?«
He laughed bitterly and moved forward by one step before he halted again. My trembling got harder.
He should stop. He should stop telling me those lies. I didn't want to listen to it. I didn't want to listen to his words filled with lies and break down on them later because I gifted them with belief even though I despaired and denied them.
I didn't want to believe Cassian. I didn't want to get hurt any more. If his words were really lies then I didn't know what I should do anymore. I believed it would be my end.
And deep inside I hoped he spoke the truth, though I didn't believe in it. Didn't believe he loved me.
»If you believe me or not... I was at every performance and every competition. Every time hidden inside the crowd so you wouldn't notice me. I just wanted to listen to your voice and see how broadly you smile when you hold another cup in your hands. Only wanted to grasp a little bit of your light so I could egotistically feel better with the things I did to you. Wanted to lull myself with it, wanted to avoid the consequences, didn't want to notice them.«
Never had I seen him. Not at any performance of the band and not at any competition. Never, seriously never. He had to lie.
The first tear finally rolled down my cheek and a muffled sob left my mouth – muffled from my trembling hands that were still on my mouth.
Lies. Only lies left his mouth.
His godly mouth on which I wanted to press my lips from all the desire, with those sinful lips that tasted indescribable when your lips met another.
But now I only wanted to clue his mouth shut, tear it apart, steal his ability to speak.
»And then you suddenly stopped. You left the band and the swim team. I... I tried finding out why you stopped but I couldn't find anything... Nobody knew anything and I grew more desperate when the rumors went around in school, dozens of stories, you distanced yourself from your friends and no one of them knew anything too. Even Caleb knew nothing, and I hate myself that he distanced himself from you for me.«
Of course, nobody could have found out about it, I was just too good at acting. And even though I lived through that unknown sickness, I never let my walls down.
Only on my last day. Everything came to light and my mask fell. My act got revealed. And I played my last card of revenge and made them despair in guilt.
»Back then you looked so exhausted in the morning and I was so stupid and drew wrong conclusions. I thought you had done it with someone. The rumors that you slept with someone ate me alive. Swallowed me whole. And it made me burn with rage. I wanted to tear everyone and everything apart that had touched you. Then Ethan started to defend you in school and something snapped inside me. Everything, even my own wolf, screamed at me to rip his head off because every cell in my body believed that he was the one who touched you. Touched you like I wanted for what felt like an eternity. I imagined how he stroked your skin, made you shiver in pleasure, how you moaned under him, only for him and never for someone else – never for me. I was so fucking jealous and that jealousy ate my alive. The pent-up jealousy from all those years I held my distance from you. The frustration, the dread. How stupid I have been.«
Again he laughed bitterly and made a step towards me again.
Stay away! Don't come closer! Every cell of my body screamed.
One wanted to throw itself into his arms and the other one wanted that he stayed away. And I didn't know which side I was on.
His words pulled me to him and my mind, my own dread, pushed me away from him.
I was left with nothing but fear and panic. I was near a panic attack and didn't know how I could calm myself down.
»Everything in me froze when you threw up. I felt such a panic that I couldn't move at all. And when you said nobody would miss you when you died, everything inside of me broke. If I had thought before I broke then I had never felt the full impact of it. I dreaded when you said it may even kill you. If I wasn't as pathetic as I am, I would have confessed my feelings right away and had told you that I would never let you die. When you then lied in my arms after breaking down, I only wanted to press you against my chest and never let go again. Wanted to cry because I couldn't endure seeing you like that, to see how you watched yourself slowly fading away. But I was incompetent to act right. You disappeared and that for goddammit years.«
His voice broke at the end before he took a trembling breath.
I didn't see if he was crying but his voice sounded so broken, so thin, so weak that I could only assume, no, knew that he must be crying.
»I drove Caleb on that day to your home but no one was there which was why he came over to me. I felt empty. And when we were at your home I felt so wrong, so strange and somehow I felt that something wasn't right. In front of my home was your parents car and when we entered the house, we could hear your father yell where you were. And then Ellinor said you disappeared and when my father wouldn't search for you, I felt only despair and self-hate. I knew I was responsible for that. I made Caleb go against you because he knew how I felt about you and he too knew how wrong it was. He would have never acted like that on his own, please believe me. Caleb idolizes you and had always looked up to you. He often tried to emulate you. Tried playing guitar and tried singing too, but failed because he had no talent for it. If I wouldn't have been, your relationship would have never been broken. I'm at fault that you thought your brother hated you, only because I was too cowardly to confess my feelings to you. Feared your reaction.«
Trembling, I gasped for air.
Caleb had never hated me? Was that really the truth? Oh, please.
If only those words were true, I would give anything for it. We already had talked about it but I still feared he had hated me.
Cassian made another step and kept silent, so the silence drove me crazy. Only the hissing of the wind, my trembling breath and my pounding heart accompanied us.
»On my birthday...«
I flinched because of his sudden voice. He was already so close.
»On my birthday I felt nothing of what my father had described to me. I didn't feel nervous and I wasn't edgy. And then Caleb suddenly came up with the theory that you... maybe could be my mate.«
My eyes widened and if it was possible, my body tensed up more. That wasn't possible.
»For the whole evening we were in my room and when the time came to find my Luna there was nothing. An uncontrollable anger rolled over me with which I stormed back to my bedroom and punched a hole into the wall where now the picture hangs. Caleb suddenly was behind me and I wanted to punch him in my angry state when he held something out to me. It was a duvet cover and a picture of you. The sight chained me down and the weak smell was so bewitching and mesmerizing that I immediately knew that you were my mate.«
He knew it for all those years and never came after me. He had suffered for all those years and lived with the thought of maybe having killed me.
God, how was he able to stay alive? How could he just stand there and tell me about it only now?
Damn it, how cowardly was this Alpha?!
Tears streamed down my cheeks and along my hands that were still pressed over my mouth to suppress my miserably sobs.
»I tormented myself through those years and when we suddenly were at your house and Clary said we had something to celebrate, on the day you disappeared, something inside of me snapped again. But then I saw you and smelled your scent. My instincts dragged me to you but I was too stupid to notice it was you. I thought you were someone else because of your brown hair. And only because of that I growled at you and asked who you were because only one person was destined to be at my side. And I meant you with it. Only you, Kyran.«
He had meant that with it back then?
He hadn't recognized me and thought I was someone else because he had recognized me as his mate on his birthday because of my scent on some fabric? That couldn't be true and I still believed him.
My doubts faded but there was still the quiet voice that whispered: Lie, lie, lie.
He made another step towards me.
»Every moment with you was more wonderful than every other one in my life. This time is more than I deserve because I did those horrible deeds. Somehow, we were happy with each other and it was enough for me to feel this happiness though I didn't deserve it but then you got shot and I got told how slim the chances of you staying alive, and I felt the dreadful fear of losing you again. Every possible plan came up in my mind if you would have died. I was aware at that time that I could probably outrun death, even though you, the other half of my soul, would be dead only because my Alpha being was too strong. But I can't imagine a world that you wouldn't be in. Rather I would follow you in death than to stay alive without you. Without you... I couldn't... I...«
He shouldn't say something like that. He shouldn't think about death. I was alive, I was healed. He shouldn't think about suicide. Shouldn't even consider it, it didn't matter what happened to me.
He shouldn't leave those alone that loved him only because my body was too weak or fate claimed me.
But I was here, I was healthy and still alive.
That's why he shouldn't think in those directions, shouldn't plan something like this, nothing. He should just stay alive.
Cassian made another step towards me.
»However, you woke up and gifted me with a gift that I could only dream about at night. We were a couple, a real couple. I'm aware that you don't feel the same but you need to know that you fulfilled my most desired dream. I was allowed to stand at your side and that proudly. I could announce to everyone: this is my boyfriend, my mate, my soulmate. My one and only.«
He took another step forward.
»Then we went to Canada and had this horrible fight and I regret every single word. Your words hurt me too but I know it was the build-up frustration and desperation that made you say it. I know how much it tears you apart and I still hit you where you hurt. It makes me go crazy that I act disgusting like that again. Though I only want to be happy with you. When you went into the house, I stormed off into the woods to calm myself down. And when I returned, I saw May how he buckled up Elias and how the other three climbed into the Van. You weren't with them and I didn't feel you inside the house. Again panic rose inside of me and when Fynn said that you and Maxim went to the hospital I thought something happened to you. But then you were inside the operation room and tried saving the life of the pregnant Luna. And I finally understood how much not having a child burdens you. The Luna was awaiting her child and you did everything to save them. Then the operation was over and I only wanted to pull you into my arms when I heard they were safe. Wanted to apologize. But you... You couldn't stand me being close to you and I knew I'm at fault. No, I am. On the plane you swapped seats too and today you tried avoiding me completely. You hate me and that with reason.«
No, goddammit. I didn't hate you, I loved you.
Again, a muffled sob sounded from me. More tears streamed down my cheeks, and it wasn't possible to stop anymore.
I loved you but I couldn't endure you treating me like that.
As if I wasn't worthy to live, as if my words didn't make sense, as if I was nothing. Maybe I couldn't endure being close to him. Couldn't handle his beaming and felt horrible small next to him.
»I can't remember the night where I did this fucked up thing to you. Only little take-outs appeared after thinking hard and long. But with your full story and those fragments I could put together this horrible fucked up puzzle.«
Deeply he inhaled and took another step.
»I saw you happy with the others the whole evening and drowned in my jealousy. More and more alcohol came into my system and fogged my mind what made me lose control over my jealousy even more. When I saw how you carried Jackson out, I followed you. I waited for you and when I saw you, I realized that you would someday have a man. Your mate would be some human or wolf, didn't matter what rank. But if I had a man as a mate, he would me an Omega. However, I only wanted you and it drove me crazy that you could have anybody while I couldn't have you, though you were everything I ever wanted. I don't know what drove me to my deed in the end but my claws dug into your body and then you laid there. I remember how shocked I was when I stared at my bloody hands that trembled so much. Indescribable panic roe inside of me because I was aware that I had hurt you. Consumed in my panic I called for nobody, nor did I help you. I ran away as if my instinct to flee had woke me up. I collapsed inside the forest at some point and lost consciousness. After that the evening was only black. And I pushed the blood on my hands on some animal I had killed in my drunk state. Everything because of my stupid jealousy that I couldn't have you as my own.«
I gasped for air when I suddenly felt him behind me.
His chest moved hectically against my back and abruptly he wrapped his arms around me from behind and squeezed me against him. Weakly, I let my arms drop down to the sides and stared empty ahead.
I felt nothing. No fear, no panic, no joy, no nothing – just emptiness.
With only one touch he had pushed away the raging storm of emotions. But there were still tears streaming down my cheeks.
»Forgive me, please. If you left because you couldn't stand being close to me, I could never forgive myself.«
Cassian hid his face on my shoulder and in the next moment tears wetted my shirt.
»I love you and I will never stop loving you. You are my mate, my Luna, my one and only. Please, come back to me.«
A trembling sob left my lips when my legs gave up and I could only hold on by leaning against him. Unsettle my heart pounded in my chest and the tears didn't want to stop.
»Come back to me,« he croaked and clung to me even more.
»Cas...« I whispered hoarsely and sobbed again.
»Please, don't leave me,« he sobbed too and strengthened his grip.
»Cas...« I whispered again, this time with a more solid voice.
Quickly I turned around in his grip and laid my hands on his cheeks, forcing him to look into my eyes.
His beautiful eyes were reddened and tears welled down his cheeks. Deep shadows were beneath his eyes and his skin seemed sickly pale.
His normally shining hair was dull and without shine. He seemed broken, destroyed, like a broken porcelain doll that my grandmother never let me play with. But I probably didn't look any better.
His lower lip trembled uncontrollable and the expression on his face screamed: stay with me. Forgive me. I love you.
And everything inside me screamed: I will stay. I will forgive you. I-
»I love you.«
And then I pulled him down to me and pressed my lips on his.
He needed a moment before he returned my kiss fiercely. This kiss was nothing like the other kisses we had exchanged.
This one was different. Saltier. More soulful. Fiercer. More desperate.
It expressed everything that we felt in this moment.
We exchanged with this kiss everything we had pent up, everything we had kept quiet about. And it was right because he had told me the truth and gifted me with so much more.
His love.