»Did you think about what you want to do after your graduation?«
Cas and I walked through the forest. My hands were dug deep into the pockets of my jacket and thought long and hard about his words.
Sure, I had thought about it. After all, I had planned to study in Canada.
If I was still a Beta it may have been possible because my responsibilities wouldn't be as big as now. But as a Luna...
And we even took over the pack...
Of course, I understood that Kenneth and Kiana wanted to hand over the pack to Cas and me - the rules were made like that, that he needed to take over because of his age.
But couldn't they have waited a little more?
We were still in the middle of our preparations for graduation, in addition to that the distance between Cassian and me still wasn't going away.
And it got even bigger after we landed in Canada. I just felt that.
I didn't want to say I owned him – though I could claim ownership because my mark was clearly on his neck – but I could feel how he slipped away further and further.
I couldn't hope for the one true love anymore, I felt that with every passing minute more. And the knowledge tasted bitter.
It tasted even more bitter than when I assisted with an operation and the patient's life slipped away. Everything could go wrong and I still knew every time – every single time – I would do my best so the worst case wouldn't come true.
I clawed myself to my calmness and coordinated every step so nothing went wrong. Sometimes I claimed the operation as my own and saved a patient. Though it was a giant 'NO' for someone who didn't study medicine like the doctors did at a university.
However, the doctors of this hospital still trusted me and always watched over every step I did - as wrong as it was.
They trusted my calm hands and my cool head. They trusted me that I could assess the situation correctly and solve the problem. Irresponsible if you really thought about it...
I was someone who always had to think about everything a thousand times before I acted. Acting on naked emotions was difficult for me. And I knew that I often made life difficult for other people by doing that. But there was nothing I could do about the fact that I had to rethink everything.
Maybe it was because I was afraid of losing control. I couldn't deny that I was scared. Fear of losing the leash in my hands that somehow kept me afloat.
I tried to act logically, although many actions were anything but logical. I clawed myself to the logical assumption, I could solve any problem with enough thinking.
But the problem with Cassian was a problem I couldn't solve.
He didn't love me and I couldn't change that. We may be mates, marked each other and lead our pack as their Alpha-couple now.
However, there was not the love I always hoped to have with my life companion.
I may have said that I would never forgive him and would gladly stay unhappy for the rest of my life. But that changed too quickly.
I had changed. He had changed.
And it scared me terribly how fast everything was going and I had no control over it.
I wasn't able to keep calm. I wasn't able to assess the situation right and I wasn't able to coordinate my next steps correctly. I was fucking scared.
My hands trembled and only the thought that we would stay together for our whole lives and he would never return my love and that broke my damn heart.
I just had too much in my head and now assisting with an operation would be the right thing to distract me. Would give me a bit of control back.
The walk through the familiar environment felt amazing but Cassian being close to me just triggered the storm of emotions inside of me, and I tried to suppress them. And to know that I couldn't study medicine because of my new Luna-position, killed my inside.
Cas would someday take over the company of Kenneth. He had a future ahead and didn't need to think about it like I did.
I didn't just want to sit nice and quiet at home and wait for his return every day or wait for him to leave his office in our future home and finally spend some time with me.
I didn't want to take care of a child that some woman gave birth to because I couldn't.
I wanted to go my own way but fate thought otherwise.
I inhaled deeply. »Actually, I wanted to study medicine but that doesn't matter anymore after we took over the pack,« I answered and immediately felt his eyes on me.
»Why would us leading the pack hold you back from studying?«
Disbelieving, I looked up to him. »Seriously? You aren't seriously asking that?«
He shrugged his shoulders.
»Do you even know how much time studying medicine consumes? I could never handle that together with my responsibilities as the Luna.«
»A Luna doesn't have that much work, in comparison to an Alpha,« Cas said in return.
»You sure? I'm the Luna, the mother of the pack. I'm like the figurehead. I need to show a perfect image, so I don't dirty how others look at us, but that is already going down the drain because I can't have children. I can't just pull out and study medicine for years before the hard times begin and I want to climb higher in my career. All of that won't leave much time for me acting like the mother of a pack.«
»Kyran, don't start with that again.«
Cas halted and grabbed my arm so I would stop too and turned to him. His eyes laid worried on me and right in this moment, I hated him.
I hated him because he worried and he would only repeat his speech about never betraying me to birth the next Alpha.
»What? I'm just telling the truth,« I snorted bitterly. »I can't have children because I'm a fucking normal man.«
He teared at his hair and took a deep breath, turned away from me before he turned back and then there was something on his face that I couldn't describe.
»Stop it! You only hurt yourself with that! I will-«
»I will never betray you to birth the next Alpha. Then the pack just won't get the next Alpha. You wanted to tell me that, right?«
Desperate, he frowned.
»Kyran, we will find a solution. But please. Please, stop hurting yourself. I can't endure seeing you like that.«
And as hard as it was to admit, I saw in his face that he was telling the truth. But that didn't mean it would change anything from my opinion.
»Let us just go back,« I whispered and ran past him.
»No! We will talk about that now! You can't just run away every time we talk about this!« he yelled and ran after me.
»Cas, please. Not today. I just can't talk about it anymore,« I tried to explain to him, desperately.
My legs carried me up the stairs to the house before I opened the door and wanted to go inside.
His steps went quiet behind me. And then he said what stole the ground beneath my feet.
»Fine! Then we won't talk about it! But it isn't like you have ever thought about having a child with me! Maybe you thought about a child because of the pack! But you would only let me fuck you so you could birth the next Alpha, not because you love me or really want to sleep with me!«
Yes, I love you!, I wanted to scream at him but the word wouldn't come out. But other words that hurt myself and I already regretted before even speaking them out loud.
»And?! It's not like you love me! I, for one, think about the well being of the pack! You would rather hurt your own pack and that with a proud grin on your face! You rather mark them as traitors without any reason! Love never played any role between us! Look the truth in the eyes. You hate me. We are just in this stupid, senseless relationship because we couldn't avoid it. And be true to yourself. We don't kiss because we love each other. We only do it because this fucking bond forces us to. So don't accuse me of letting you fuck me only because I think of the well being of the pack. Because it's better that one of us thinks about it. Believe me, I would rather have my first time with someone who truly loves me and not an asshole like you! I should have never returned to Germany!«
And then I slammed the door shut and stormed into Maxim's empty office. And this door closed with a loud bang too before I sank down, sobbing.
The future was bullshit. I was aware of that more and more with every day.
I regretted my words and I was aware that I was an asshole. However, those words were something that I had built up inside me. The build up frustration had just waited to explode.
Why was this so hard?
I just wanted him to fly back to Germany. I wanted to stay here, wanted my life back. I wanted to turn back time. I wished that I had never returned to Germany and never met him. I wanted so much that wasn't possible.
I was so goddamn egoistic.
»Kyran?« Quietly a knock sounded on the door and hearing the calm voice I knew it was Maxim.
»Do you want to open the door for me and maybe talk about why you slam the doors? Above all, the door to my office?«
Sniffling, I rubbed my eyes and squinted my eyes shut to pull myself together.
With all the energy I could bring up, I got up and opened the door for Maxim. He came in and I closed the door behind him again.
»Come. Let's sit down.« He put his hand on my back and pushed me towards the couch.
»Your fight was pretty violent. I could hear you through the whole house,« he said and I laughed bitterly.
»Where is he now?« I asked, because that was more bitter than anything else.
Not he came after me but the man who saved me from death – my second father figure.
But could I even expect him to come after me when I threw all those disgusting words at his head? No, absolutely not. I had no right to.
I should have just shut my mouth instead of throwing those disgusting words at his head.
»He turned around and disappeared in the forest. Probably to calm himself down.«
Sighing, I wiped my face. Actually, I could have thought about that because I could feel that he put distance between us.
»What was it about?« I wasn't only sitting before Maxim, the man who was like a father to me. Here I was before Maxim the doctor, who cared for his patients with full concern for their well being. It didn't matter if it was physical or mental.
He was a wonderful doctor, it didn't matter how often I teased him by saying how horrible he was to his patients.
»I love him.«
It was quiet for a few minutes before he found his voice again. »Did he reject you when you told him?« Bitterly I laughed and shook my head.
»No and I will probably never tell him. My death would be sealed if I did. No, it was about how I couldn't bear children. The pack needs an heir and I can't give one to the pack. Cassian needs to get someone else pregnant and that person needs to carry his child. The child I should have carried.«
»He doesn't need to have sex with someone else. He can impregnate a woman or even a male omega artificial,« Maxim said.
»Still!« I screamed and felt tears running down my cheeks. »Still...« I croaked quieter.
»Still, it won't be my child, our child. He will have a connection to his son or his daughter. I will just be the man that lives under the same roof as their father and is not able to have his children. I will never be able to accept them, even if I wanted to, knowing they are a child from another person and him, and it destroys me. I love him and I want to have children with him but I can't.«
»Kyran...«
»Please, not you too,« I whispered desperately and looked at him with a twisted expression.
»I feel like I lose more control with every passing second. First, the fucking story about me being sick. Then my return and the sudden mate thing. Enzo who goes crazy about his vision. The attack of the rogues on you and my worries about this pack. Then Cassian and I take over the pack. I finally accept my feelings and know that he will never return my feelings and that he always was or is against homosexuality. And yes, we kiss. But that is only because of our cursed bond. The only normal thing in my life is my band and swimming. And then I won't even be able to go for my dream job. I won't be able to be a doctor because I can't study medicine because my pack bounds me to them with all those responsibilities.«
Desperate, I buried my face into my hands. »I can't do this anymore. I'm scared.«
Softly Maxim petted my back and when he took a deep breath I knew right away that his next words would hurt me and build me up at the same time. The truth was hard and hurt but only through that one could accept and heal.
»You came far and never gave up. You showed to all your sicknesses that you are a fighter. I know, I will never understand how overwhelming the bond between Alpha and Luna is but there is something between you two. If he really is a homophobe how he was back then then he would have let you die instead of accepting you as his mate. You may not see it yourself, but when he gazes at you then you can see how much he adores you. It may be stressful right now. But you haven't given up because you are a fighter. And a fighter fights. And damn it, somehow, we will find a way so you can be a doctor if it is what you want. I will look into my contacts and the other doctors in our hospital probably won't hesitate to help find a way too. Above all, it isn't said you need to study medicine. Of course, normally you should. But you showed many times that you have the mind for it and you deserve the title of a doctor more than some. We will find a way, I promise.«
Despairing, I furrowed my eyebrows.
»Don't look at me like that. That is the truth.« I just wanted to answer him when Maxim's began to ring.
»Kyran, I need to-« he said but I cut him off with a nod. I already saw that it was the hospital.
»Maxim Ramsay,« he said when he answered the call and immediately, I could hear a disturbed voice at the other end.
Only a second later I could see Maxim's face going pale, so much I feared he would collapse any moment. Quickly jumped on my legs when he looked at me and had panic in his eyes.
»We will be one our way. Prepare everything so we can start with the operation right away when we arrive!« And then he hung up.
»What's wrong?« I asked and followed him out of his office.
»We need to go to the hospital. The Alpha and the Luna were involved in a car crash. Alpha Benjamin only had a concussion and a few broken bones. But the Luna is badly injured. We need to operate on her as quickly as possible. It's about life and death.«
With one hit I was aware of what was going on. The Luna was a female Omega, weak even for her rank, and at that she carried a baby in her belly. Should she die, it would be the end for Alpha Benjamin.
If she died, he would die. Their bond was too strong for him to somehow live on, and the bond to their child was there too. And when both of them died, it would be the end for the pack.
Without an Alpha they would be a group of wolves without a leader. A pack without a leader was almost a pack of rogues. They all would turn into rogues. If they weren't able to find a pack in time they could also lose their minds.
A Beta was able to hold on to a small group of wolves for a longer time. But they needed their Alpha-couple with their scale to stay alive as a pack.
»And why should I come with you?« I asked when I followed Maxim out of the house and to his second car.
A dark blue race car that was faster than any car I had ever driven with. The perfect car to go drive quickly to the hospital in times of emergencies.
»Because you will do the operation with me, so you will understand that you shouldn't give up on your dreams for anything!«