May 5th, 2012
With the threats of ripping Odin's tongue from his head if Eibhlin was harmed still echoed around me in the catacombs beneath the golden palace, I could only rage. Seething with anger, a burst of energy leaped from my hands; the glass of my new cage shuddering as the spells etched into it glowed brighter. I had accepted my fate; I knew this was the corollary of my actions- a far kinder outcome than I deserved after all that I had done. Never though, not in all the centuries of life I still had left to live, had I thought that Eibhlin might suffer a similar fate as I. As I paced in my cell once more, having already stood in this very place hours before while awaiting my biased trial, I could only pray that Mother and Thor would be able to protect her where I had failed.
That prayer went unanswered though as two guards held tightly to Eibhlin's arms, their fingers digging into her flesh beneath her dress as they carried her toward me. I hurried toward the window, stopping myself from touching the enchanted glass as I watched, horrified, as she was manhandled toward a cell past mine. We were perfectly angled where we would be able to catch glimpses of one another but nothing more. I could hear Mother begging them to be careful, Thor pausing near my cell as he looked at me woefully. This was madness... It wasn't supposed to be like this.
"For heaven's sake, put her down," Mother cried as she reached for her terrified daughter. "Can you not see how frightened she is!"
"All-Father's orders, All-Mother, she cannot be released until we have placed her within her cell." The cell they took her toward was one of the center ones, smaller than those on the edges of the rows like mine. While it felt wise for them to have placed me in such a cell where they could easily see me from multiple angles, to put Eibhlin in a small cell seemed almost cruelly calculated.
I wanted to demand that she be placed closer to me, yet I knew this, too, was Odin's doing. "Thor, Brother... Do something!" I pleaded; my desperation reflected in the glass before me. Thor sighed, bowing his head from me as Eibhlin was tossed like a sack of flour into her cell, her whimper making me sick to my stomach.
Thor walked away, unable to watch any longer; a move that enraged me further as I demanded he come back while I tried to see my little dove. I shouted for her to stop as she ran toward the glass, waving my arms as Mother urged her to stop as well, but it was too late. The enchantment burst against her, sending her careening backwards and out of my view; the sound of her body hitting the floor sending a shiver of fear down my spine. "Help her! Mother, please," I begged, attempting to teleport out of the cell and into hers, the magic embedded in the glass searing my flesh each time I tried. I became frantic, calling her name over and over as I helplessly watched from my cage as she attempted to get free once more; the sound of her terrified screams was something I would never be able to forget for the rest of my long life.
As she disappeared from my view, a sickening sound came from her cell. I demanded answers as Mother raced forward. She commanded them to open Eibhlin's gate, her voice firm and beautifully terrifying as only a mother's could be. "Is she alright? Mother, someone, tell me she's alright!"
No answer came though. Not for several agonizing minutes.
I watched Mother exit the cell, her head bowed toward one of the guards as she moved to stand just outside of my cage, a grim look on her face as her blue eyes followed the guards as they left; the one she had spoken with hurrying up the stairs two at a time, no doubt on her order. She sighed, her slender shoulders shuddering with the weight of her grief as she looked up at me. Our eyes met, the silence between us saying so much more than ever before. Slowly, she nodded at me.
"She is alright. Though I have sent Bjørn to fetch Eir, just to be cautious." I nodded, unsure of how to thank her. I opened my mouth several times, only to close it once more as I began to pace in my cell. Her sigh caught my attention, though I did not look at her. "What are we to do with you, my son? Tell me, how have I failed you all these years that you could become so blinded to the truth that lies before your eyes, so lost to all that you have?"
"Why don't you tell me what all this good is that you claim I have first?" Her eyes flickered as I stopped my pacing to face her. "Do you have any idea how long I was left out there, merely dangling out on a ledge of that man's creation? How many times I thought of simply letting go, of making this easier for everyone, including myself?"
"Loki-"
"You lied to me... For years..." I could feel my lips quiver as I shut my eyes, unable to look at her. "Did you ever once think that I should have been told?"
"You know I did, I told you-"
"You said I wasn't a monster. That you never liked the secrets, yet you continued to keep them. You could have told me; you could have decided to tell me on your own!"
"Loki, that is not-"
"Fair? What do you know of fair? You and him, and all the other gods of Asgard, are one and the same. Drunk with power, blinded to the truth; easy prey for much wiser wolves. I may have never acted out beyond childish pranks, never exploited such weaknesses, but I have heard everything. All that has ever been said about me, all that has ever been whispered against me, all the times you and Odin proved that your true feelings lay opposite of your claims. Even now you mock me, with your absurd sentimentality, your pretentious belief that I too am a gullible fool when I was the one left out in the cold by all of you!"
"Loki-"
"I am not finished! For years, you said your teachings were meant to help me to find some sun of my own, to allow me a reprieve from the shadows surrounding me; not once though did you ever stop to think that even with your teachings, your affections, of what it would mean if I did manage to steal a drop of sunlight from myself. Did it ever occur to you in all of your coddling that I didn't just need to hear that I was destined for greatness, but to feel it? You insisted on describing my worthiness to me at my weakest moments, never knowing the additional layers of torment it pressed upon me when words did not align with your actions, leaving me to question the very basis of my reality. And then, when I did manage to seize my opportunity to make you proud, to make him proud and show you both what you could never see in me yet so easily saw within Thor, I was tossed into an abyss!"
"You chose that outcome. That was your choice, just as everything you have done has been." Her voice was raw, a thick edge like that of a blade slicing through her calmness as she came closer to the glass. "You may be able to fool yourself into believing otherwise, but you will never be able to fool me."
"I never wanted to fool you," I admitted with a sigh. "All I ever wanted was for you and Odin to see me as I truly was; to love me for me instead of trying to make me like Thor."
She shook her head, her face somber as she gazed at me. "I never wanted you to be anything but yourself. I have and will always believe that you can be and do anything..."
"You could have fooled me..." I sighed then, turning away from her. I could still see her reflection in the glass pane to my left, her face sullen as she blinked away tears.
"I will have some things brought down for you. Chairs, some tables, and food; perhaps a bed and books to occupy you."
"You think frivolous amenities will comfort me? Do you truly know me at all," I asked mockingly.
Lady Eir arrived before we could say anything further; a heavy basket clutched in her slender hands as she nodded at Mother. I watched as the guard moved down the way, opening Eibhlin's cell as the women entered. I tried not to focus on what they were doing, tried to remain calm as the silence grew and grew, not even the echoes of their gentle whisperings able to penetrate it. As several servants arrived, each with different bits of furniture and the like to be placed in both mine and Eibhlin's cell from the number of items, I saw Lady Eir leave; her gray eyes settling on my green ones for a moment as she offered me a knowing and gentle nod. Relief washed over me that Eibhlin would be alright, or as close to it as she could get.
After I was allowed to venture out from behind the privacy wall that housed my water closet, my room set up and organized, I saw Mother pause outside my cell. She smiled weakly at me, the wear and tear of this situation weighing heavily on her. I walked as close to the glass as I dared, hesitating before I held my hand out letting it hover near the glass as the enchantment illuminated, ready to burn me if I tested it. Mother smiled, holding her hand up as well, her fingers hovering over where mine were as if we were touching palms.
"I will try to visit each day."
"He'll never allow it. But I thank you for being willing to try." It was the kindest I could be.
She sighed, blowing me a kiss as I rolled my eyes before she headed off and up the stairs back to the main level of the palace. Left then to my own devices, I moved toward the large stack of books that Mother had no doubt selected for me. Most were works of Shakespeare, books on Seiðr, and classical novels ranging from the early Roman Empire still lingering on papyrus scrolls to those of Charles Dickens who I had first learned of during a bout to Midgard in the early nineteenth century. I shuffled through them all, looking for something when I lifted a simple leather journal with crisscrossed, sewn binding down its thick spine, the pages yellowed with age; an ocean plait mat knot woven from what felt like jute held the book closed, latched to a simple warn ribbon. The look of the book was somehow familiar though I knew it was not mine. As I pulled the ribbon, loosing its hold on the delicate knot, a small stick fell from the pages, bouncing against the floor with a soft clack. I bent, carefully gathering the polished and twisted piece of wood in my fingertips, studying it. My eyes widened as I glanced back toward the book wondering if it was possible. No, no, this could not be the fabled Tvær Sálir Eitt Hjarta; could it?
I hurried to the small desk I'd been given, sitting quickly as I threw the book open, scribbling a hello against the pages. I looked for the words to appear and waited for something to happen yet nothing did. Trying several times more, I grew despondent; was this just another useless trinket, another lie in the kingdom of Odin? With a sigh, I tossed the stick down beside the book, feeling as gullible as I had claimed Mother to be earlier. I rose once more, pacing about my cell as I picked up a small bunch of grapes to nibble on as I did. It was just like her to place something like this in my grasp and yet leave no instructions on how to use it or why I had been gifted it, only this time I actually cared about the why.
That night, I was awoken by terrified whimpering; the sound like that of a small dog that had managed to lock itself within my chambers. I yawned, having forgotten momentarily where I was as I rose to search for the creature. My eyes shot open as I touched the glass, the scent of lightly singed flesh filling the room as I cursed and healed myself. I looked around, wondering where the sound was coming from as the whimpers gave way to gentle cries of fear until they became ones of sheer terror and pain. I shook, my hands clenching into fists as I heard Eibhlin beg for mercy from an unknown assailant that had even the guard racing toward her cell.
"What's happening," I demanded, tryingto keep my voice calm as the man moved to return to his post, his dark brownhair pulled up into a bun shrouded in braids.
"She seems to be having a nightmare, Your Highness."
"A nightmare? That is not anightmare, that is... This place is a nightmare," I acknowledged reluctantly, the guard sighing in agreement before he stood at his post, occasionally glancing back toward Eibhlin's dark cell.
I wondered what his connection to Eibhlin was; most of the soldiers and guards felt as Sir Roar had, and still did. To them, she was a nuisance barely fit to warm their beds, and that was only if they could bring themselves to ignore their prejudices to allow her such. Like many, they had never been able to look past her appearance and see the woman beneath. I had been like them as well in my youth, though it had taken that eavesdropped conversation to soften my heart toward her. I recalled what I had overhead Hlíf and old man Åge say about Eibhlin forty-two years ago. She had been left in a small cage to die after they had tortured her for being the wrong kind of sacrifice needed to bless the ground of a Midgardian temple. I remembered well hiding beneath the table, watching as she slept as Hlíf explained to the old kitchen master what Mother had told her before giving primary care of the little girl with her matted head of auburn curls and her flea-infested ears to her. An undertaken Hlíf had claimed had taken nearly a month to fully rid her of.
The tale even then as a young man of nine hundred and eight, had unnerved me almost as much as my realization that I had wanted to kiss and comfort Eibhlin later on that evening. She had been such a small thing back then, far too thin, and lankier than I; yet within only a few short years she had begun to fill out some, just as I had grown to tower over her. I could still picture her there, left in a field, alone and scared, on Midgard; the iron cage holding her captive until Mother had come. Eir had claimed to have identified Eibhlin as being just shy of one hundred and thirty years old when she had been brought to Asgard ninety-three years ago. What had her life been in that first century, I wondered, and why had it almost ended so darkly?
As the third night passed once more filled with Eibhlin's screaming, I begged the guard, a young man named Bjørn to tell Mother of her continued distress. She had to know a way to help her, one that would not require scoring through books for months. I felt useless, wanting nothing but to comfort her; to let her know she was not alone. As we moved into the third full day since we had been locked away, I began to wonder if Odin had restricted Mother from visiting with us, even through her illusions. I read book after book on advanced Seiðr, hoping I might find something, anything to aid me, yet nothing. Still, Eibhlin screamed... My heart shattered for her.
That night was the worst I had heard yet, though I knew they would continue to become more unnerving the longer she was kept here; the longer she was forced to awaken from one nightmare to another. Wine became my solace, an entire carafe gone in under an hour as I tried to calm my nerves listening to her breach the silence every few moments like a cuckoo clock from Hel. Eventually, her screams of terror became sobs of pain. I hated that even more. I tried to peer at her, the light on in her cell for once and tried to think of some way to comfort her from afar. I thought about projecting fireworks as Mother had taught me for her, but it felt useless if she could not see. What I wouldn't have given to have known how to cast an illusion to a place I could not or astral project as Mother did. At least then I could have comforted her.
Instead, I thought back to one of the songs I remembered the kitchen staff singing; a simplistic folk song that Mother had learned the tune of so she could hum it to Eibhlin after she had been moved from the maids' chambers to her own room. Closing my eyes, I tried to recall the melody and lyrics, not wanting to mess up. I wanted it to be perfect for her... Lifting my voice, I saw Bjørn and the guard from the daylit hours turn to look at me, their faces a mixture of curiosity and surprise. As I continued, I heard Eibhlin call back, her voice holding an unexpectedly wide range of tonality and richness as she blended her oohs, ahhs, and deep throaty hums with the melody. I could see Bjørn hum as well, his rich and deep bass adding depth that echoed through the dungeons allowing the song to seem that much more haunting.
I wanted to hear more of her; I wanted to hear Eibhlin's voice lead the haunting melody, to have the softness of her voice wrap around me like a soft and comforting blanket to break up the painful sound of her screams and sobs. Bjørn and I continued to hum, waiting for her to take the lead in the second to last stanza. It took her a moment, her voice nervously beginning to sing out the lyrics about the spirit telling the listener to rest, to sleep as the forest would protect and hold them. It was a beautifully worded verse so very fitting of her, though not as fitting as when she sang the part about the northern lights dancing. Closing my eyes I could see her dancing in the snow outside the palace, the aurora borealis shimmering above her like the energy of the Bifróst had as she'd soared through her portals.
I joined her for the final stanza, our voices rising together as they wove in and out, sharing the melody as the song came to an end; Bjørn sighed softly as he glanced back toward her cell with a gentle smile. "You have a beautiful voice," I called out to her, unsure how well she'd be able to hear my voice as clearly at a normal speaking tone. Yet I could hear her soft chuckle, my mind's eye picturing her curled up on her floor or the cot I had seen the servants bring in for her, her knees pulled to the great swell of her chest as she hugged them. She muttered something about how she had not sung for nearly as long as she had last heard that song, which I did not doubt as it had been all but retired after Åge's funeral. I nearly agreed with her, when I paused, chuckling as a memory came flooding back. Eibhlin, wild and free, skipping and dancing in the rain; her nightdress soaked to her skin, hugging every inch of her alluring body like a sculpture done by Antonio Corradini.
Her blush as I reminded her of that night carried into her voice, the image of her freckles standing out against the soft pink of her flushed cheeks filled me with a mixture of desire and joy. I chuckled at the image of her trying to hide her embarrassment, deciding instead to continue to goad her as I not only recalled the song she had sung tothe sky but began to sing it. I heard her laughing as I sang, her voice calling back out to me as we continued, the real, raw, and pure joy that filled me for the first time in I could not remember making me rise to my feet as I began to dance around my cell while clapping my hands.
"My, but are you two not making the most of your imprisonment," a voice called out over our inanity. I turned to find Mother smiling at me, a basket set at her feet.
"Hello, Mother," I said softly, calming myself with a deep breath as she nodded at Bjørn. He hurried over obediently, opening the glass for her to pass through and into my cell. She gathered a few things from her basket, the items held lovingly in her hands as she stepped up and into the cell.
"How are you fairing, my son?"
"As well as can be expected under the circumstances."
She sighed, nodding with understanding though I knew she could not possibly. "The books I sent, do they not interest you," the look in her blue eyes at her question held more; as if she was subtly trying to ask if they held any interest in comparison to Eibhlin.
"Only one," I said, indifferently. "Though, like many things in this forsaken place, it seems to have been just another lie." She muttered my name, a soft sigh leaving her as I shook my head. "Is this how you plan to save me from myself, Mother? To have me while away eternity, reading?"
"You seem to have found other means to occupy your time."
She was so haughty, I couldn't help but laugh incredulously. "She should not be here. You know perfectly well-"
"Do not attempt to tell me what I do or do not know Loki. And do not date to believe for one moment that I hold no regrets over why she is here.You know full well that it was your actions that brought you here. Eibhlin is only here because she cares for you, more than you perhaps care for yourself; she knew the risks involved and still chose to do as she did," she said setting the two books and satchel of candles on my desk as she nodded, letting Bjørn know he could close the glass behind her. I watched as she sent her Seiðr out, the green of her magic just like mine mixing with the yellow enchantments of the glass to make it glow a lime color. "Now then, I think it is high time we had a talk."
"Marvelous, shall I make tea?"
"Do not sass me, child. I am your Mother-"
"No," it came out sharper than I had meant it to; the cruelty catching her off guard as froze, her gaze lifting to meet mine, though I could not maintain it. "No, you're not..."
I watched as she blinked away tears, smiling softly despite herself. I wanted to take the words back immediately yet I could not. "Well, for someone who is not your mother, I have tried to make you comfortable within my abilities."
"Yes, I know-"
"I have pleaded your case, as has your brother, or is he no longer such either?"
"You know what I mean-"
"No, no I do not. Nor do I believe you know as well. You are always so perceptive about everyone but yourself, Loki."
"Perhaps... But at least I am not an enabling hypocrite." It came out before I could stop it... The words thick on my tongue despite their venom.
"Is that what you think?" Her voice was soft, barely a whisper; her surprise written across her pale face.
I couldn't look at her. I knew I needed to have this moment, to release all of this; she deserved my rage as much as Odin had, yet for whatever reason I could not release it at her. My mind filled with memories of her watching over Thor and me; the books she would read to us each night, the gentle and encouraging way she would teach me magic, and how she would always cheer us both on as we spared, never once caring about who the victor was so long as we showed signs of growth. It was so hard to hate her, to blame her as I did Odin, yet the longer I tried to answer her simple question, the more I began to realize a terrifying truth and perhaps the root of my bitterness. I had, under her command, spent my life making sure that everyone around me was comfortable; that I was as I was supposed to be. And I had done so at the expense of my own comfort. Though I couldn't pinpoint when the resentment had begun, I knew it had been planted long before Eibhlin had been brought to Asgard; even so, I now had a new seed planted in the garden of my shame and insecurities that the only reason she had felt Eibhlin and I would be so well matched was because we were both monsters...
"Yes.... And no..." I admitted.
"A true king admits his faults, he does not blame others for his actions."
"And a true queen, a true mother, would know better than to continue a lie that would utterly destroy her child. It must be so inconvenient for all of you that I now know the truth," I snapped back. I hated myself for saying it, for wounding her further yet what of my wounds? "All my life... All I have ever wanted was to make you proud, to make sure you continued to see me as worthy because no one else did. Or so you allowed me to believe. Did you ever actually believe in me or was it just another lie offered up out of pity; another suitable ruse to keep me well-behaved?"
"You act as if all I have ever done for you was meant to only further betray you; as if I do not know my own son."
"I AM NOT YOUR SON!" The snarl was deafening as she stood there, unmoving despite my rage. I felt the cold take over, and as I looked at my hands, I saw them beginning to turn blue once more as I lost control of myself.
Without hesitation, she took them in hers; the warmth of her spreading across my fingers as she looked up at me and urged me to breathe. As I calmed, she exhaled, touching my face gently. "Yes, you are," her voice was soft, her eyes sincere. "And you always have been, just as you always will be. I wish I could undo all these years, that I could make it so you knew all along just how truly special you are as you. Sometimes I forget that you and your brother were meant to fail like everyone else; failure is a beautiful teacher, particularly in the journey of who you are supposed to be."
"And yet I am here, locked away for doing nothing more than merely giving truth to the lie that I had been fed my entire life, that I too was born to be a king."
Her smile was gentle as she nodded."Yes, yes you are. Here you stand, locked in a dungeon because you failed to know and remain true to yourself. The measure of a person though, is in how well they succeed at being who they are."
"And you know who I am?"
"I know that you love the works of Shakespeare; that you have always made sure you were presentable for me when I returned home from my trips to Midgard, even if you were denied that first hug. I know that you can sleep more comfortably curled up in a chair than you ever have a bed and that your first perfected spell was for flameless candlelight so that you did not set the palace aflame when you fell asleep reading," the creases near her eyes deepened as she grinned wider. "I know that Nyttarsbukk is your favorite holiday, that you adore anything with brunost, and that you embraced the logic that in war, it is the cunning who lives; which is why you no longer try to fight like your brother, utilizing your speed, wit, and magic as opposed to brute strength alone." She paused then, coming closer as she gently took my face in her hands, a tear sliding down her cheek as I stood resolute, simply listening and watching. "And, I know that you love that young woman more than you love yourself... That you have loved her since I brought her here; that you will continue to love her and she you until you draw your very last breaths," she said softly, her motherly voice filling my ears as she smiled at me. "Just as I know that despite your words, you will always accept me as your mother."
I smirked, my lips slowly curling into a grin as I nodded; fighting back my own tears. A heavy exhale left me as I looked back at her again. "Mother, I-"
"There is no need to apologize. You have grown, my son; you have grown and you have failed and you will fail again, as will we all. Oh, my dear boy, how I wish you could see that all you have endured has not been meant to break you but to further build you into the man you are destined to become."
"Perhaps with time..." I muttered, my voice leaving me as I sighed.
Mother patted my cheek than as she pulled me close, her head resting against my shoulder, so different from Eibhlin's whose ears barely reached it. "In time," she said softly agreeing. "Now, that book; you know what it is, yet I believe you have failed to remember how it works. Try it again tonight before you go to sleep. You will see."
I hesitated, holding her tighter. "What if you're wrong, Mother..."
"I won't be. A mother knows these things. I promise that if you allow your heart to call to her, you will receive so much more than echoes back." As I gave her one last tight squeeze, I could only hope she was right.