What happened later that day felt like a fever dream to me. I went home, dropped my bag in the hallway and grabbed a bar of chocolate before falling onto the sofa. My pain slowly turned into anger. I was angry at Johan, at myself, and because I barely ate anything that day, if I'm honest. Also, I didn't have anything proper at home that I could call 'lunch', and I certainly didn't have the energy to cook. I was done. Done with everything. I just wanted to get away.
And then I had an idea. I went to my bedroom, opened the wardrobe, and took a beautiful, black dress. Then, I walked into the bathroom, taking my styling iron. I smiled, talking to myself in the mirror.
"Today is gonna be a great day."
It was a Thursday night, 9 PM. I sat in my favourite bar in Hamburg, where I used to meet with Annika, my colleague, quite often. I listened to people laughing, saw them dancing and drinking as the music played in the background. I wanted to forget - forget everything for one night, and drown those terrible feelings.
"May I sit down next to you?"
Surprised by the light voice, I turned around - but to my disappointment, it was not him. And he didn't have a light voice. I had just imagined it.
I wanted to forget.
"Of course."
He was handsome, tall, and had dark hair. He sat down on the bar chair next to me.
"Would you like something to drink?", he asked me, "I'd like to buy you one."
I wanted to forget. I wanted to drown my feelings.
"Yes. A white wine, please."
Drown them in alcohol.
The man waved at the bartender. "One white wine and a whiskey, please." The bartender nodded and started making the drinks.
For one moment, my conscience came back. I hadn't drunken alcohol in four years, and I knew very well why I shouldn't be drinking again, even if it was just one glass. I remembered how I silenced all my sadness with a bottle - especially the day we broke up. But I didn't want to remember those days. I just wanted to mute all the voices inside my head.
The drinks arrived. We raised our glasses. "To this beautiful spring day", the man said with a smile. As I was about to drink, I felt how my hand started to shake. But I took a sip anyway. A big sip, apparently.
"You seem to have a bad day." He laughed. By the way he looked at me, I knew he liked my appearance.
"I'll get over it", I answered bitterly, but laughed afterwards.
Luckily, our mood lightened up and we started talking about different things - just random stuff, parts of our lives, and so on. I had a good time with him. He was polite, which I liked, not like my ex boyfriend - though he resembled him a lot. The man noticed my coughing.
"Perhaps you shouldn't drink too much if you're ill."
I shrugged. "There's no way not to get sick at my workplace."
He raised his eyebrows. "Are you a doctor?"
I laughed out loud. "Do I look like one? I'm a teacher." I glanced at him. "What about you?"
"I work at the CID. I have a day off tomorrow, that's why I'm here tonight." He looked at me, slightly squinting. "You seem very young for your job. Are you in your teacher training?" I nodded. "How's it going so far?" "So-so. I love my work, but my boss is annoying me..." I sighed. "I shouldn't talk to you about this. I'm sorry." "You can pour your heart out if you want to." I stared at my wine glass. "The principal assigned me to the all-day care of our school. She said it would look good on my applications. But I know she hates me. And because of her, I have to watch the pupils in the afternoon, and I met this man there... just because of her. I don't know why she did that to me. I was ditched again. That's what I get when I engage with someone."
The man in front of me didn't say anything. He was just looking deeply into my eyes. My heart started beating faster, and my head was spinning.
"I think you're drunk."
"Me?", I asked surprised. "But I only had one glass of wine."
"Doesn't matter. Your eyes and cheeks are red. Don't drink the rest of your glass." He took my glass and placed it on his side. "You're probably sick." I shook my head. "It's not a big deal. I've been feeling like this since last Saturday, so it doesn't make a difference now."
He stared at me, his eyes slightly widened. "You're going to regret that tomorrow." He looked at his watch, then looked at me with furled eyebrows. "Let's go take a walk. It's 11 PM already." "Sure." I smiled, following him cluelessly.
We walked towards the central railway station. "So", he started, "you said you got rejected by someone recently."
"Today", I corrected him quietly.
"Then why did you go out tonight?"
His question caught me off guard. I was staring at him with an open mouth.
"I..." I didn't say anything, laying one hand on my head. I was dizzy, and suddenly, I lost control over my balance. Before I could hit the ground, I felt someone holding me and lifting me up.
"I want to forget..."
"This is not the right way to deal with pain." He held me, so I wouldn't fall again. His expression was serious, just like his voice. "You should be glad that you didn't meet someone creepy today. In this state, anything could happen to you. That was reckless."
"I know...", I just mumbled, tearing up. He looked towards the ground and sighed.
"I know you're hurting. I did, too. But you need to get over it if you want to let someone new into your life." I barely heard his words, still dizzy. "Should I call a taxi for you?" I shook my head. "I'll just take the S-Bahn. The station is right there." "Which number?", he asked. "Number three, towards Elbgaustrasse." As we made our way to the station, he held me all the time. If I wasn't totally drunk that night, I would have felt guilty for pulling a stranger into my misery. But I couldn't think straight anymore. I was sane enough to remember how I'd get home, but that was about it.
"Don't go out until you've come to terms with your feelings." I wanted to nod, but I couldn't. We finally reached the station, and the train arrived. I rose lifted head to look at him one last time. "Thank you... and... I'm sorry." He waved, smiling subtly. "It's fine. Get well soon." And thus, I left for home without knowing that man's name, and him knowing mine.
I don't know how I got home that night. It was a miracle that nothing happened to me on the way. But when I woke up on Friday morning, 6 AM, I had a horrible hangover, and worse - I was really sick.