"Taste this," Hadley said, shoving a glass in front of Maury.
Maury swallowed a swig and started coughing.
"Tastes awful," said Maury. "What is it?"
"Vinegar lemonade," said Hadley. "Must need more sugar."
"Where in the world did you get that recipe?" Maury asked.
"Off the Web," said Hadley. "It's just vinegar and sugar and water. Something the pioneers drank."
"The Donner party ate each other," said Maury, "but that doesn't mean I want to pick somethin' off their menu."
Hadley took a sip behind Maury. She puckered up her lips.
"Or maybe I added too much vinegar. Maybe my glass is too small."
"Maybe you should lay off the old-timey recipes, Sis."
"I was going to try some cornmeal mush, but I've run out of lard."
"Try using olive oil. Not as tasty but twice as healthy."
"Oh, pooh," said Hadley. "I could try some Corn Dodgers if I could remember where I put my Dutch oven."
"If it's in the attic," said Maury, "forget it. That's just too much sugar for a cent to pull those steps down and go off on a gallivant in that dark dungeon."
"It's not as bad as that, Maury," Hadley said. "Are you sure you're not describing your attic?"
"Maybe."
"How 'bout some Black Pudding? All it has in it is eggs, flour, cinnamon, molasses, and a few other spices."
"And vinegar. My throat still feels like it was scalded and left to dry in the hot sun."
"You're just too sensitive. Kid Pie sounds interesting."
"Whose kids are you planning on cooking?"
"Nobody's. It calls for goat. I don't think Pixies stocks goat."
"Nah. Skip's not mentioned that as new items he's had to stock."
"Here's a roast recipe that uses coffee," said Hadley.
"Well," said Maury, "guess I know what Bill and I will be having next week."
"I'll buy a small roast and try it out first," said Hadley, "before I spring it on you and Bill. I can always count on Beanie to help me eat the leftovers. Even if they don't come up to house standards."
"That man is a human garbage disposal," said Maury.
"Good thing," said Hadley. "Keeps good food out of the dump."
"And not so good food," said Maury.
"It's a pretty simple recipe," said Hadley. "Onions and garlic and vinegar. You marinate that for 48 hours and then simmer in the old Dutch Oven in a couple of cups of strong coffee for about six hours."
"Don't hurt yourself rummaging around up there," said Maury.
"I won't," said Hadley. "Who knows? I might uncover another treasure like Harry's video cam up there."
"Or you might break your neck stumbling over old junk," said Maury.
"I'll let you know if the coffee roast is on the menu next week," said Hadley.
"Later, Sis," Maury said.
***
Hadley took some goodies and packed them in her car. She took off down the road toward town, watching as she drove for any sign of her friend, Beanie. She spied him walking down the sidewalk outside of Lou Edna's Beauty Boutique and pulled over to the curb. She leaned over to the passenger side and rolled down the window.
"Hey, there. How's the finger, Bean?" Hadley asked.
"It's as right as rain, Hadley," Beanie said. "I'd really like to stay and talk, but I'm in kind of a hurry."
"Where you going?"
"I gotta get down to the cemetery. Harvey sent word for me to come. Mr. Dudley's body's back from his autopsy. Harvey wants to get the hole dug quick. Harvey wants everything ready for when he has Mr. Dudley resting in his coffin. He told me he wants Mr. Dudley's goin' away to be as smooth as silk."
"You want a lift?"
"Sure," said Beanie. "Gosh, it smells good in here. Like a bakery."
"Oh," said Hadley, "I almost forgot. I made some cookies for you. Three batches. Originally, I was only going to make two, but my dump cooking got the best of me, and before I knew it, I'd dumped in enough ingredients for an extra batch of cookies."
"Thanks, Hadley," said Beanie. "You know me. When it comes to anything you cook, too much is just about the right amount."
"I know, Bean," Hadley said. "I can always count on you to lick the plate clean no matter what I'm serving."
"Me and Onus are good plate lickers."
"Well, Onus is a persnickety, old cuss. I really wish he'd take some lessons from you. Not be such a picky eater, you know what I mean?"
"I can learn him plate-lickin' if you want me to, Hadley."
"I was thinking more in the lines of being grateful for what's on your plate. I think I'll just have to put up with Onus' not quite licking the plate clean. He puts up with a lot from me, you know."
"If you say so, Hadley," Beanie said.
"What time is the funeral service," said Hadley.
"Harvey said it's going to be tonight at midnight," said Beanie.
"Midnight!"
"Yeah. I ain't too happy with the time, neither. I hope I don't fall asleep and fall into that hole. You know? I just don't know if I will be able to keep my eyes open."
"Is Button's service private?"
"No. Harvey didn't say it was. Harvey is always good to tell me if it is 'cause he knows I won't mention nobody's service if he's told me that. Private means private, Hadley. No extra mourners allowed but the privates."
"Well, if it's not private, I'd like to come," said Hadley. "I'm certainly not one of the privates, but if it's public, I know I can call myself one of the public."
"It's public," Beanie said, "so you can come because you are public."
"Good," said Hadley. "Here we are. I want to come and give you moral support, Beanie."
"Do my morals need support, Hadley?" Beanie asked. "I didn't know they were sagging. Miltie Pearl was talkin' to Mona Leone Yuntz the other day about her saggin' you-ter-rines. What's a you-ter-rine?
Miltie Pearl was just 'a whining to Mona Leone that havin' sixteen youngins had, let me see, how did Miltie Pearl put that? Oh, I know! Them sixteen youngins done a number on her. Her you-ter-rine prolapse was the worst! Thing sagged plumb to her ankles. I looked, Hadley. I don't see nothing between her ankles. They're right big 'n' meaty, her ankles are. But that's all."
"Did Miltie Pearl see you standing near them, Beanie?" Hadley asked.
"Oh, yeah," said Beanie. "Mona Leone did, too. They're like most people, Hadley. They ignore me like I ain't there."
"Well," Hadley said, "don't trouble yourself over those two. Mona Leone and Miltie Pearl had no business discussing women's matters in front of you like that. Miltie Pearl knows what causes babies to be born. She's had sixteen times the practice of most women."
"That does make me feel better," Beanie said.
"It does," Hadley said.
"Your you-ter-rines must not need no support," Beanie said. "Even I know what makes babies, and you and Harry didn't have none. Your you-ter-rines must be tight as Dick's hatband."
"We tried, Beanie. We were just not blessed with children," Hadley said, "but you're right. My you-ter-rines are just fine. And so are your morals.
I just wanted to show up at Button's service to make sure you stay awake. It wouldn't do for one of my best friends to close his eyelids and wake up in Button's grave."
"Thanks, Hadley," Beanie said. "It would be like sticking six kids in a bunk bed. Crowded wouldn't begin to describe it."
"Exactly," said Hadley.