I was currently on Elijah's lap, watching Millie make a fool of herself. She got wasted with Judah and Cisco. Drinking games are fun, but only when you're good at them. I had enough practice, so I wasn't too drunk myself. Elijah was good with most drinking games too. But everyone else was drunker than me, for the first time in a long time. I was hitting a blunt and laughing as Millie ran into the table, knocking over Judah's drink.
"Bitch!" He laughed, "My fucking cup!"
Cisco was on the floor laughing, "Babe, sit the fuck down."
Elijah shook his head and whispered, "Your brother is drunker than all of them."
I laughed, "He just knows what to do when he's wasted."
Millie almost slammed her head against the counter, I stood up, "Okay, that's enough." Elijah's hand slid down my leg slowly, catching my attention. I looked back at him before grabbing Millie. "You need to go to sleep or something."
It was weird to have Elijah touching me. I was on his lap by his own request, which was odd. He never wanted to have any physical contact before, unless it was during sex or right before it. But after we kissed today, everything seemed to change. It almost felt forced.
"No, I'm okay," She insisted, turning around to look at me. She spun too fast and lost her footing, falling flat on her ass in the kitchen. She burst out laughing and Cisco joined in.
"Baby, just go lay down. We can spend the night," Cisco was still laughing.
I helped her up and she reluctantly agreed. I sat her on Ryleigh's bed as I blew up an air mattress. She was giggling at all of Ry's things and talking about how cute they were. I finally laid her on the air mattress, "Alright, I'm gonna get Cisco in here in a minute."
"Okay," She smiled, "Hey, Kyleigh."
I sat down and looked at her, "Yeah?"
"You know, you're the fucking best. I'm so happy I met you. I support you in anything you do. Whether it's Judah or Elijah, I ship it. Because it's half you!" She smiled and closed her eyes, I swear she fell asleep right then. I walked out of the room smiling and shaking my head. I had a master plan to get all of the drunks to sleep. I told Cisco she wanted to cuddle just to get him to go in there with her. Judah was talking to Elijah. Isaiah had left hours ago, he wasn't a fan of drinking games. So it was just us 3 left awake.
I sat on the couch and sighed, "Judah, if you wanna stay here, you can sleep on the couch."
He nodded and smiled, "Thanks, Ky."
Elijah stood in front of me, "I think I'm gonna head out."
I nodded, "Okay."
Judah stood next to me, "I'm gonna lay down."
I got off of the couch and he immediately laid down on his stomach. I laughed and walked over towards the door with Eli. We stepped outside and I shut the door behind me, not wanting to bother Judah. I smiled at him and he stepped closer to me, "I'll have to come back tomorrow, can't have you going without."
I laughed, folding my arms across my chest, "You could stay, you know. We can just have morning sex when everyone leaves."
"Mmm," He hummed, his hands in his pockets, "Sounds tempting."
"Stay," I looked up at him.
"Nah, I might not be able to wait until everyone leaves," He smirked.
"So it's like that?" I raised an eyebrow and laughed again.
"You know what I want right now?" He asked.
"Hmm?" I tilted my head up and to the side as I looked at him.
He took his hands out of his pockets and put one on each of my shoulders, "I've never hugged you."
He pulled me close to him and wrapped his arms around me. I unfolded my arms and wrapped them around him, closing the gap between us. My head rested on top of his heart, I listened closely to the sound of his heart beating in his chest. I took a deep breath and settled into his body even more. The feeling was interesting, different. One thing I could say was it felt safe.
"Why didn't you like doing things like this before? Hugs, touching, kissing?" I asked him.
He pulled out of the hug, "I don't know. The same deal, it feels like something you should only do with someone you really care about."
I smiled up at him, "Whatever you say."
His hand rested on my cheek and he leaned down, bringing his lips to mine. The kiss was nice, it was sweet and slow. It was the kind of kiss that left you with your eyes closed, biting your lip. It wasn't too special, but it made me feel giddy. I finally opened my eyes to see him standing up straight. "Feels weird," He scrunched his face up and I laughed.
"You don't have to kiss me, you know," I replied.
"Yeah, I don't think I will," He laughed.
I rolled my eyes, "I expect a few in bed every now and then, you'll have to compromise."
"As long as they're the same pace as our first kiss, I think I'll be okay," He nodded and laughed.
I smiled at his honesty. I felt like he didn't have genuine feelings for me. At that moment I realized he was just possessive of me because Judah was threatening his 'mate'. He wanted to have a claim over me, but he didn't have feelings for me. I believed everything he's said to me is true. But I think he kissed me due to a selfish motive, not emotion. Nevertheless, I smiled at him. I was content with it all. He could have me, in whatever way he wanted. I wasn't busy, or in a rush. I decided to let him figure it all out himself.
"Good," I smiled, "You don't have to hug me either, you know."
"I don't know," He smiled, "That was okay, I liked that."
"Well, you know me. I'm okay with anything, just be honest," I told him, "I'm heading in, I'm tired."
"See you tomorrow," He smiled and started making his way down the stairs.
I smiled and let out a long breath, that moment helped me clear my guilty conscience. I was starting to believe what everyone else was saying, that I was using Elijah. That he really cared about me. But, I didn't believe that was a fact. Especially after today. Of course I knew he cared about me as a friend. But I think our talk of emotional connection was misled by the risk of losing our sexual partners. Thinking about how everything has gone down, I feel like he is just possessive of the situation we have together. He wants to protect the safety of what we have, where he can be himself and get what he needs. I knew we needed to have another conversation eventually, but I also knew that when that time came he would bring it up himself. I went back inside, turning off the lights.
"Ky," Judah said from the couch.
"What's up?" I sat on the arm of the couch, by his head.
He put his hand on my thigh, "I'll always wanna kiss you." I furrowed my eyebrows and put my hand on top of his, 'He heard us?' I held his hand and he wrapped his fingers around mine, "I love you."
I felt my heart skip a beat. I sighed, whispering, "I love you too, Judah."
I knew the chances of him remembering this were pretty low. His grip around my fingers loosened and I stood up. "Close the window, please."
I chuckled, "Eavesdropper."
I walked over and closed the window, "Thanks, love." I looked at him for a few minutes, smiling. He looked so sweet, the streetlights peeked through the blinds, shining on his face. He tossed and turned, sighing. I laughed and he lifted his head, smiling at me, "This couch sucks. I never could sleep on it."
"You can sleep in my bed," I smiled, extending my hand to him. He grabbed it and stood up, wobbling. I walked to the room, he followed behind me slowly.
"You could've turned the light back on," He grumbled.
I laughed and turned on the bedroom light, "There."
He shut his eyes tightly, "Shit." His hand let go of mine and he rubbed his eyes. I stepped to the side and put my hands on his back pushing him towards the bed. He stumbled onto it and took off his shirt. I did my best to not gawk at him. He laid back and kicked his shoes off. I pulled the blanket up for him and turned off the light, "Sleep good."
"Wait, you're not staying?" He asked.
I stood in the doorway, "No, I'll be on the couch."
"I'm not stealing your bed," He rustled around in the darkness, I heard him bang against the nightstand.
"Judah, just lay down. It's fine," I insisted.
"No," He hit the nightstand again, "Turn the light back on, please."
I sighed, "I'll stay. Just get back in the bed."
"Okay," He stopped rustling around and laid back, I heard his body hit the bed.
I walked over to the other side of the bed and crawled under the covers. I sighed and turned my back to him, "Goodnight."
His hand slapped against my back, "Shit, sorry," He laughed, "I was just trying to find you."
I laughed, "Just go to sleep, weirdo."
He scooted closer to me and I felt his chest against my back. I inhaled deeply as his arm snaked around my waist and pulled me into him. He kissed the back of my neck once and turned his head to the side, resting his cheek on the back of my head. "I love you."
My heart was pounding. I had goosebumps and my spine tingled. I felt as if I might suffocate and hyperventilate all at the same time, "Judah-"
He inhaled sharply, "Hmm?"
I didn't know what to say exactly. I swallowed, "We shouldn't cuddle."
"He doesn't even touch you. So I know you haven't been cuddled in too long. You need it, Ky. Don't even lie," He kissed the back of my head softly, sending sparks down my spine again. "Just let it be." I was on fire.
"Judah, we-"
"Shh," He hushed me and pulled me even closer. A soft involuntary sound escaped me as his breath hit my neck. I felt him tense up and turn his head, "Sorry, I wasn't trying to. I literally have whiskey dick. I'm not making moves, I swear."
I swallowed again, trying to calm myself down. I could barely think, "I can't do this, Judah."
His grip loosened, "Sorry." I should have moved. I needed to move. I was burning up, inside and out. I knew it wasn't a good idea to stay put. But now that his arms weren't around me anymore, I felt regretful. Maybe I did need this. So, I grabbed his hand and pulled his arm tight again. He must have understood my thought process because he pulled me in closely again, "Sleep good, love."
Needless to say, I laid awake. Once he was asleep, I let myself enjoy the comfort of it all. I ran my fingers over the skin on his hands and his arm. I felt the hairs move under my fingers. His chest inflated and deflated over and over against my back. After an hour or so passed, Judah shifted around. He was laying on his back now, no longer my blanket. I turned around and looked at him, he was sound asleep. His mouth was open slightly, I smiled as he snored softly. I cuddled into him, putting my head on his chest.
My movement must have woken him up, he inhaled sharply and turned his head towards me. After he realized it was just me wanting more cuddles, he laughed softly and kissed the top of my head. His arm wrapped around me and held me into his chest as he laid his head back again. Something about the feeling made me start to become emotional. I nuzzled into him further, he turned his head again.
"You okay?" He asked groggily.
I nodded, "I missed this."
His other arm grabbed my leg, pulling it across his body tighter. I was practically on top of him at this point, there were no gaps between us. He rubbed up and down my thigh slowly, "Me too." His wandering hand was distracting, but not to the point where I lost focus.
"Judah," I said softly.
"Yeah?" He whispered back.
"I missed you. I'm glad you're back," I replied.
His arms tightened around me, squeezing me harder before he relaxed again. He let out a long breath, "I'm sorry I didn't come back sooner. I missed you too, babe."
"Can we go back to being best friends? Like how we were in college?" I asked, hopeful.
"We both know things are very different now," He said, still rubbing me softly, "But I guess we can try, if you want."
"Remember after I blacked out and tried to seduce you?" I laughed softly, "You kept saying we can just forget about it. Blame it on the alcohol and pretend it never happened."
He laughed, "Yeah, I remember."
I stopped laughing and paused for a moment before I said, "You ever wonder what would've happened if we just did that instead?"
His hand stopped moving, he didn't reply. I started to think he had fallen asleep for some reason, but eventually he moved again. His fingers continued to run up my thigh again softly, "Sometimes I do, it probably would have been the logical decision. Your worry, about our bond, I'm sorry that you were right. I really am, I wish every day that you were wrong."
"Me too," I barely let my voice be heard. My chest was tight and a lump rose in my throat. He stopped rubbing my thigh and wrapped his arm around my waist. His other hand suddenly held my head, pulling it into him closer. It was as if he were trying to hug me. I extended my arm to the other side of his torso, squeezing him back.
"I'm not going anywhere this time, never again," He was still holding me tightly. The pressure in my chest kept building.
"You better not," My voice was firm, but it was the last ounce of strength I could muster. I pushed my nose and mouth into his chest to stop myself from breathing, trying to deny the sob I held captive in my throat.
"I won't, Ky. I swear, I won't," He reassured me. My eyes were firmly shut and I gripped the blanket tightly. I was running out of air and the pressure within me was too much. His grip became even tighter somehow and I couldn't keep myself together anymore. I let out the captive breath all at once, emotion running behind it like a broken dam. "I'm so sorry."
I sobbed softly into his chest, finally allowing the pain to be felt. It felt like that black hole was just a Mary Poppins bag being dumped back out. I couldn't help but to remember how great everything was and what it felt like to have it all ripped away. For some reason the 'in between' was irrelevant. As the pressure slowly felt less and less, I tried to even out my breath. I felt Judah inhale sharply, his breath was a bit shaky too. I assumed I had forced some emotion out of him as well. I was unwilling to point it out or console him. After a sense of calm fell over us both, I brought my hand up to my face to wipe away the tears. "Sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"Stop. You're fine, don't apologize," He finally loosened his grip, he moved his hand back to my thigh. But the hand on my head remained, for some reason it made me feel so loved. Serenity filled the room, and I melted into the moment.
"Are you still drunk?" I asked.
"I'm not gonna lie, this sobered me up a lot. But, I would definitely still get a DUI," He chuckled.
"You gonna remember this?"
His fingertips trailed up and down my thigh again, "I hope so."
I lifted my head up and looked at him. His hand slid down to my back, he turned his head to face me. I looked at him closely, "Is it bad that I hope you don't?"
His eyebrows furrowed, "Why?"
"Because, I'm still mad at you. But I want to be selfish, I want to be able to get away with whatever I want. I also don't want you to remember my vulnerability, I want to be seen as strong. Because you need to know that I could do this without you if I had to," I replied.
"I know you can, you are strong. You'll leave me in the dust if I fuck up again," His chuckle was quiet, "If you want to be selfish, go ahead. I won't mention it," He smiled softly.
I smiled and put my chin on his chest, looking at him. I missed being close to him, this feeling of closeness and affection was probably my current weakness. Non-sexual touching was all I craved at the moment, and he was the best at giving it to me. Ever since we became good friends he had taken care of me in that way. I didn't realize how important it was, how much I missed it these past few years, until right now. He moved his hand from my back, using his arm to prop his head up and look at me.
"I love you," I said softly, "You asked if I still love you, the answer is yes. Even though I didn't want to, for a long time."
"I love you too, Ky," He whispered.
The fingers that once trailed my skin became his whole hand, he moved slower with more contact. His movements had intent, he gripped my upper thigh very softly before retreating back towards my knee. I began running my own fingers across his chest, then his collarbone. As my fingers explored his skin for the first time in years, my eyes explored the more familiar features of his face.
My eyes found their home, focused on his lips. I ran my fingers up his neck, his Adam's apple bobbed beneath my fingers. I looked up at his eyes, they were focusing on my lips. I smiled, catching his attention, he looked into my eyes mirroring my happiness. I looked down at my fingers as they traced his veins, they arrived at his jawline. I was cautious and precise about where my fingertips landed next. My movements were calculated, following the sharp angle of his jaw up to his ear. Then from his ear to his cheekbone, my thumb landed beneath his lips. My movements came to a halt as his lips took over my concentration. I admired them once more, paying attention to every detail. He licked his bottom lip slightly, biting it before it slipped back out of his mouth. Butterflies swarmed my stomach.
I brought my thumb up, brushing across the very bottom of his lower lip. The touch was so delicate, as if they could crumble. I lost myself in the moment, my other fingers explored my infatuation. I made sure not to apply pressure, just graze over his lips softly. His chest beneath my head started to rise and fall at a much faster pace. His hand kept mindlessly following the same path up and down my leg.
I glanced at his eyes, noticing them focused on my own. I looked back and forth between his eyes, eventually bringing my focus back down to his lips again. I moved my fingers, leaving just my thumb on his lip. I pushed down slightly, applying just enough pressure to pull his lip down. I missed this, the way his lips moved beneath my fingers. Looking at them could only do so much for my imagination. His teeth became exposed slightly and I pulled my thumb to the side. His lip slid back into place and I swallowed the excess saliva that began to pool in my mouth.
"Ky," His voice was very low, his hand resting on my knee.
I looked into his eyes, "Shh," I hushed him, brushing my fingers across his cheek.
"Is this your idea of being selfish?" He whispered.
I smiled, my finger following the bridge of his nose, "Not completely, just a little."
"Why are you doing this?" He asked, his breath was evening out. I traced my thumb along the edge of his bottom lip again.
I shrugged, "I like it. I used to do it all the time, you used to be a heavy sleeper. I like touching your lips, watching my fingers move them. I like touching your face, memorizing everything about it. I just missed it, touching you."
"Shouldn't this be considered a breach of boundaries?" He asked. My fingers ran over his temple, pushing back his hair. He kept it the same length as he did back then.
I laughed, "If you want me to stop, just say that."
My fingers brushed through his hair, I stopped watching them. Instead, I looked into his eyes again, "I don't. I just want to make sure that if I do remember, that it would be fine."
I smiled, trying not to laugh again, "You told me to be selfish and you won't mention it. If you do remember, I don't care. This is for my benefit, not yours." Part of me knew I was lying to myself, just a little bit.
My fingers still played in his hair, he smiled, "I am benefiting though. This shit just makes me fall for you harder, Ky."
I chuckled and rolled my eyes, "Shouldn't the whole falling part be done by now?"
His smile softened as I traced my fingers softly around his ear, "I don't think I'll ever stop falling in love with you."
My fingers slid down his neck slowly as I maintained eye contact. The amusement fled me completely. I knew he loved me, and I loved him. At this moment it felt like it could be enough. Nothing else seemed to matter anymore, at this moment my life felt perfect again. His hand slid upwards again, but now with more friction. I glanced down at his lips yet again, he had just let his lower lip escape from his teeth. I noticed the moisture lingering on his lip.
I scooted myself up, bringing my face closer to his. Just as I was about to kiss him, I stopped. My face was inches from his. That's when I realized that everyone was right. I forgot what falling in love felt like, and Judah was right you don't just stop falling in love. Elijah was right, I will forgive him. Isaiah was right, I need to make up my mind. Millie was right, our love story is fucking epic. Cisco was right, we do belong together. Another thing Judah was right about, this needs to happen the right way.
"What's wrong?" Judah's eyebrows were furrowed.
I smiled briefly before I kissed his nose, "Nothing."
"Try again," He moved his arm from behind his head and put it on the small of my back.
"I think you're right. We should do this the right way," I admitted.
The smile that took over his face was contagious, "Kiss me, or I'll kiss you first."
I shook my head, the corners of my mouth tilting upwards, "No, you were drunk as hell earlier. Not to mention, I disrespected the fuck out of you today."
"I don't give a shit, Ky. You know I want this, and I deserved that," He replied quickly, gripping my thigh.
"I care. You didn't deserve it," I told him, "I've been doing some really shitty things because I was hurt, because I was mad."
"Was?"
"Am."
He nodded, "It's okay."
"It's not, we need to stop making excuses for each other and stop pretending like things aren't as bad as they are. It's the reason we're here. Let's promise each other from now on to be completely and totally honest with each other, no matter what. Okay?"
"I can do that. Starting right now," His hands gripped me tightly and he pushed me onto my back. He got over the top of me, "I'm going to kiss you, think of it as making up for earlier. There's nothing you can do to change my mind."
I looked at him, with complete physical compliance. I wanted to kiss him, so badly. I put my fingers up and touched his lips again, my four fingers slid across them and rested on his cheek. My thumb was left grazing his lips softly, he puckered up and kissed it. I felt my entire being fill with desire again. He leaned down and turned his head to the side slightly, our noses slid in next to each other. My hand was behind his ear now, playing with his hair softly. My other hand was resting flat on his shoulder, my thumb rubbed his collarbone. He still smelled like weed and whiskey, I could already taste it. Our lips were centimeters apart, we both filled our lungs with the same breath. His hand was on my hip, he supported his weight with his other forearm beside my head. His body was almost completely pressed against mine.
"Okay," I whispered, patiently waiting. The anticipation made my whole body feel hot and cold at the same time. Our eyes studied each other's, the tension grew.
What felt like an entire minute passed before he said, "You actually want this? What about-"
"Just kiss me, Judah," It was airy, I already felt out of breath and nothing had even happened. It was as if we were both too scared to move any closer. I slid my hand up his neck, tilting my chin upwards very slightly. I could practically feel the heat of his lips against my own. His grip on my hip tightened as he bit his lip. As his bottom lip plumped back out of his mouth, it brushed against mine lighter than a feather. My breath left my body.
I impatiently pulled his face into mine, our lips finally became one. The electric feeling that consumed me was undeniable. It was just like the first time, when I was sober. I was going to explode with bliss. I smiled as we parted for air, going in again. He hummed against my lips, my hand at the back of his neck pulled him in more. I was actually out of breath now, tugging his hair softly. I missed his lips so much. Nothing could ever compare, and this was the most refreshing reminder. Our lips were gliding slowly, it wasn't by any means a hungry kiss. But it made me hungry, nonetheless. I groaned as the kiss deepened. His hand traveled upwards under my shirt, slowing as he reached my ribs. I caught his lip between my teeth, pulling it slightly as I left for air.
"I mi-" I interrupted him by covering his mouth with my own once more, arching my back to close the gap between us. This is where I belonged, with my lips lost in his. Our bodies so close you couldn't tell them apart. In our own plane of existence where nothing was allowed, except us.
Judah pulled back, looking at me. I was panting, trying to catch my breath, "Don't stop."
His eyes darted back and forth from my eyes to my mouth, "We gotta slow down."
I let out a long breath, relaxing onto the bed, "Why?"
His hand slid back down my side, "Because, Ky." His tone left no room for argument. I was still breathing heavily, but I obeyed. My hands fell onto his shoulders.
"Okay," I replied softly.
He got off of me, laying beside me again, "You were right, I didn't deserve that pleasure."
"I'd give it to you again in a heartbeat," I replied, turning my face towards him.
He looked at me with furrowed eyebrows, "Why so willing now? You were so strong willed before, Ky."
I laughed softly, looking at the ceiling. My words were barely audible, "I forgot who I belonged to."