*Two years earlier *
A tingle ran up my arm. Reflexively, I lifted my hand, my fingers hovering just inches above the fabric when I caught myself.
No.
I tried to focus back on the lesson. All around me, students seemed completely engrossed in the professor's lecture, but to me, the speech sounded like a droning bee.
I blinked. Then I blinked again and suppressed a yawn. What was he talking about again?
Ah, supply chains, yes.
The slides swam in my vision and my eyes teared from the effort of keeping them open. How many hours did I get last night? Couldn't have been more than three.
A tingle seeped into my flesh and my muscles flexed.
No. Ignore it.
An itch started. It was subtle at first, a mere brush of a strangely, ticklish sensation. But it didn't stop. It never did.
A throbbing, twitching feeling spread over my skin. Like spider webs whose long, thin strings were pulled. Tender at the start. A little tug here and there, testing, probing, but then it became more persistent. Several strings were tugged at the same time. The vibrations, small at first, but slowly building, jumped along the intersections, spreading, intensifying until the whole net bounced back and forth—It was impossible to ignore.
I pinched my forearm as hard as I could, but the relief was short-lived. As soon as I stopped, the crawling sensation just sprang back at me in full force.
In the end, I lost the fight. Like always.
My fingers clawed into my arm, and I sank into a frenzy of sick relief as I tried to dig out my skin. Then the pain started, but I didn't stop. Not until my arm was screaming in agony.
My head fell to my chest and out of the corner of my eyes, I checked if anyone noticed something abnormal about me. The girl on my right frowned in my direction and shifted one seat over.
I swallowed and looked down, hiding behind the curtain of my long hair. Maybe she thought I had some sort of contagious disease. Or that I was just weird.
I double-checked that my sleeves covered the blue markings on my wrists. I had tied them again last night. It was the only way not to wake up surrounded by bloody sheets.
I flinched when suddenly people started packing up. Apparently, the lecture had ended. I tried to think of anything the professor had said but drew a blank. I would fail this class as well, but somehow, I couldn't even bring myself to care.
I grabbed my things and paused at the edge of my row. My friends had found me.
"Hey, Tay, you made it," Eric greeted me. As usual, his outfit was carefully coordinated from his baby blue Lacoste sweatshirt down to his ironed pants.
"Yeah," Nicole—his girlfriend—said. Her light brown hair was styled in a sleek side twist, not a single strand out of place, and her makeup was flawless. Her small nose wrinkled as she took in my large men's hoodie. "How come you grace us with your presence today?"
"Hey, guys," I said.
"It was weird seeing our campus couple without their significant other, right?" Somebody else joked and I stiffened.
"Hey. Let's go out, eh?" Lucy said with a grin at everyone, her blond locks bouncing up and down. She was my closest friend.
I hoisted my backpack up and suppressed a grimace at the feeling of fabric sticking to my arm. Shit.
I quickly walked up the steps but Lucy caught up to me in a second. "Hey, where were you the last few days?"
My fingers around the straps of my bag. "I wasn't feeling well..."
"Oh, I hope it's better now? I counted you in on Friday."
"Friday?"
"Eric's housewarming party. I already talked to Alex, and he said you guys were coming. Don't tell me your boyfriend forgot to clue you in."
"He didn't say anything to me," I finally ground out, trying to ignore the guilt swirling in my stomach.
Lucy frowned. "What's up with you, lately?
My heart thumped. Time to bite the bullet. "We decided to take a break. Alex and I."
She drew back, her eyes wide. "Wait, what? Every time I asked him, he told me you guys were fine. But then again...I guess it's just a break, right?"
"I suppose someone can't be satisfied, huh?" A snide voice cut in. Nicole had come up next to us, a faint smirk tugging at the corners of her peach-colored lips.
"Hey," Lucy warned but I wasn't surprised. Nicole had had her eyes on Alex from the start and only started dating Eric after Alex and I'd gotten together.
"What?" Her voice rose. "She's always everyone's favorite darling. Ever since she disappeared to the hospital she's barely around and Alex keeps defending her. Now, look at her. That's how she repays him." Her cold gaze swept over me. "You are lucky he even stayed with you after all that and you don't even know how to appreciate it."
The others gathered around us, and my ears grew hot from the sudden attention.
"But it's not her fault she had to go to the hospital," another girl from our group said.
"Oh, please. You are really buying that she went to a hospital for a month for some sickness she didn't tell us about? Use your brain. Sounds more like rehab to me."
A buzzing filled my ears as the group lapsed into a stunned silence. A few people stepped away from me. I hadn't realized my scratched wounds were infected until my temperature had spiked to over 104 degrees and I'd resembled a patient with chickenpox. Alex had been the only one who saw me like that. And it hadn't ended pretty.
"I mean, look at her. It's either that or you need to moisturize more," Nicole continued in her nasal tone. "Are those wrinkles? Aren't you too young for that?"
I looked at my feet, fighting the urge to pull my hood up.
For weeks, my skin had been feeling like sandpaper and taken on that sickly brownish color especially prominent around the eyes. No moisturizer in the world seemed to help. Deep down I had hoped nobody would notice.
"Tay," Leo said in a small voice. "Is that true? Did you go to rehab?"
I clenched my teeth so hard, the muscles in my jaw felt strained.
"Nicole has a point. I mean look at her..." Somebody else whispered loud enough for everyone to hear.
What was even the point of hiding this? For people to think I was doing drugs?
"What's going on?" A confident voice broke my trance. Just what I needed... "Tay? What's wrong?"
Everyone parted like the red sea as Alex's tall frame entered our encirclement. With his chiseled features and athletic build, he fit the stereotype of a popular college jock. Something I had found endearing...at the beginning.
Nicole puckered her lips. "You should have told us that you guys were on break."
Alex's eyes snapped to me but then his features smoothed into an easy smile. "Guys, please. We're good, it was just a short-term thing. Every relationship has that sometimes."
Lucy let out a laugh and soon enough the others joined in. "Sorry, man you scared us for a second there."
Why did I have to suffer? For not making the right decision? I knew our relationship had problems. The sex wasn't great, to name one. I just never got fully comfortable around him, but it was the same for other girls, right? Besides, he treated me well enough. He used to be understanding about my skin issues. Then my condition continued to decline, and he'd started lecturing me every time I scratched. I'd felt like a kid who'd gotten caught doing something bad.
That was when I realized I didn't fit his image of me, and maybe I never had. Despite summoning all my courage to end things with him after my hospital stay, he remained convinced that we were meant to be together. I felt too guilty to push the issue, so we mutually agreed to take a break instead.
My fingers flexed. An itch crawled over my neck, and I couldn't stop myself from scraping it. Alex's eyes immediately caught the motion, and I could feel the disapproval rolling off him in waves. Just stop scratching it, Tay, was what he always said. As if it was a mere choice.
He snatched my hand, holding it in an iron grip. I winced from the feeling of his rough palm scraping over the dry scraps in my skin.
"So, you guys are in on Friday or not?" Lucy asked again.
"Of course," Alex said before I got the chance.
A sour taste entered my mouth, my focus drawn to the point where our skin met. The others chattered on about their weekend plans, but I couldn't shake the creeping sensation that spread from our point of contact. It made me uneasy like I wanted to pull away.
I swallowed. I had to wash my hands. I needed to reapply my lotion—he tightened his hold on me and I squirmed.
Alex's voice finally registered in my head. "What drugs? She has eczema. I've been looking after her all this time... Yeah that's why she's been missing... No, we have been to the doctor..."
The rest of the sentence was drowned out by the waves of panic that swept my mind. I felt like I'd been stripped naked.
"Let's break up."
I hadn't even realized I'd spoken the words out loud until everyone around me jerked to a halt and several gasps rang out.
"What?" Alex asked in a deadly quiet voice.
"She didn't just—" somebody started but they got hushed by the others.
"Break up," I said in a clear voice.
"Are you freaking serious right now?" Gone was Alex's confident smile.
Lucy gasped, looking at me like I was a stranger.
"Yes. We're done." I wrung my hand out of his grip and pushed through our friends that were watching the show with open mouths. I wanted to throw some popcorn at them.
Then I was finally outside and rejoiced at the fresh air cooling my heated face. It felt like freedom.
"Tay!" I turned to see Alex jogging up to me, but my gaze slid past him to Lucy closely stuck on his heels.
I breathed out. Three months ago, I had been the only one who'd stood by her side when her parents faced bankruptcy. I had sat with her hours after hours, applying for scholarships, finding her a job, and doing everything I could. I had been hoping she wouldn't hate me for this—
"Tay," Lucy all but shouted. "What the hell is wrong with you? I didn't know you were this type of person. How can you do this in front of everyone?"
I recoiled, feeling a sharp pain in my chest as their words cut through me. Out of everyone I'd thought she—
Alex braked in front of me, raking his hand through his hair. "Are you kidding me? You want to throw everything away just like this? For no reason?"
We were already drawing an audience. The others spilled into the courtyard and some other students joined, sensing the drama and probably recognizing Alex. Everyone seemed to know him.
My voice shook. "First, you act like everything's great. Or did I miss us making up? Then you just spilled my condition in front of everyone. Did you ever stop to think how I'd feel?"
He snarled. "That's your reason? After everything I've done for you? You wanted them to think you're doing drugs?"
"Everything you've done for me? You decide everything! You don't speak for me! This is not your story to tell."
Wide-eyed students had gathered in a half circle, whispering behind their hands. Then there were Eric and Nicole, standing atop of the small stairs, looking down their noses at everyone else. The dreary brick buildings that housed our lecture halls loomed oppressively behind their backs.
I was so sick of it. This whole place, the people, the agonizingly boring lectures.
"You're going to regret this." Alex dropped his voice. "You'll have no friends after this. No one. When you're all by yourself, maybe you'll see reason."
My neck stiffened and my gaze slid back to Lucy who stood next to us, on his side. Her mouth was drawn in a hard line. She didn't need to tell me whose side she chose. Her stance spoke volumes. I tried and failed, to keep the quiver out of my voice. "We'll see."
Then I pivoted on my heel and strode to my car without looking back.
Lucy never contacted me after this. She never asked me anything. Just like everyone else, she'd started avoiding me like the plague. It was just as he'd promised. At the end of the term, I had no one.
There was only a single regret—not doing this five months ago.