We're in a different courtroom this time but once inside it looks exactly the same and it tricks my brain for a moment.
I feel disorientated.
"You okay, honey?" Mum whispers from behind me. She hadn't let go of my arm since we walked up the steps of the courthouse and I can feel her concern clouding over me.
Dad had held us up and now the courtroom had been filled with important people, leaving only a few seats for us, thankfully there are two spare besides Harley.
"I'll sit in the back" I hear Brian murmur to mum behind me as I take in the room.
"Thanks, love" she replies quietly.
I focus on putting one foot in front of the other as I shuffle along the row to Harley. We're in the first row in the front and I ignore the urge to go sit with Brian in the back as I feel the panic creeping up my throat.
Everyone's looking at me.
I see Harley's lips move as she says something but I don't hear it, I can only hear my heart beating in my ears. I nod, confusing her so I guess whatever she had asked wasn't a yes or no question.
I don't ask her to repeat it though and I face the front.
I take a deep breath and fold my hands, resting them on my churning stomach.
The judge from Hex's hearing enters through a side door and everyone stands, except for me. I know I won't be able to balance if I stand but he doesn't call me out on it and I'm grateful.
The noise around me turns into a low buzz and I have to close my eyes and focus on not passing out to get through it.
Everything comes rushing back when I hear the side door click open and two guards from Hellbound walk in ahead of Hex.
My heart pounds and I have to reach up and grab my brand. It burns, it stings and it makes my face scrunch up in pain.
I hiss between my teeth and bend into myself as it spreads through my chest. I knew this would happen, I just didn't think it would be so painful.
"You're okay, honey" mum rubs my back and reassures me as the burning starts to simmer down and I sit back.
She places her cold palm across my hot forehead and it feels good enough that I close my eyes.
"Maybe you shouldn't be here, Poppy" Harley whispers into my right ear but I barely let her finish before I'm shaking my head, no.
I can feel Hex's eyes all over me and I can track where he is without even looking at him. Our bond is weak now after months of no contact but it's still there and I can feel the anguish inside him as he watches me in pain.
I have no doubt he can feel it too and I have no idea why it's effecting me more than him.
He's in that orange jumpsuit. His hair is overgrown and his beard is full and bushy. His eyes are hard and he hides the surprise and shock well.
His eyes stay locked on me, even when Rob tries to shove him into his seat. He doesn't move until Rob and John both force him down and then I see the writing on the back of his jumpsuit.
Hellbound Penitentiary.
Hold on, Rob and John?
My breathing picks up in panic when I finally take in the room. I know these people; I worked with these people.
I freeze when my eyes connect with Reg in the corner and I look away quickly.
The only thing stopping me from freaking out further is mums hand anchoring me in place.
Looking around further I see more familiar faces in the court room.
Clyde, Charlie, Kevin. Is that Josie and Colin?
I jump at the sound of the gavel and spin around to face the front.
Hex's back is to us and suddenly all the feelings of loathing, hatred and anger are gone and I want nothing more than to touch him, to run my hands over his back and hold him to me. The thought that I'll never be able to do that again brings the tears on quickly.
Mum hands me a tissue and I squeeze it in my palm.
But just as quickly, the negative emotions come flooding back and I hate him again. He did this to us, he's the reason we're sitting here today and the reason my life will have to start over again when I leave this courtroom without him.
The judge is handed a pile of papers and I fear that we will have to wait as he reads through them but he seems to skim over the first few pages and then shuffles them on the deck and puts them down. He must have already read them.
"Mr. Rose, you pled guilty to the second-degree murder of Ace Pollar, am I correct?" He peers over his glasses at Hex and wrinkles form on his forehead.
"Yes sir" the sound of his voice causes a shiver to run through me and I hold back the gasp of surprise.
"Right" the judge murmurs and looks down at the papers again. I have no idea how long this is meant to last but I hope it wraps up quickly, there's only so much longer I can hold down the bile in my stomach. "Any victim impact statements?" He calls out over everyone. I keep my head down, I know there will be no victim impact staements, there's not a soul left of the Pollar family to be impacted. "No? Okay."
"It's okay" mum whispers to me and rubs my hand between both of hers.
I look up just in time to see the judges eyes connect with Hex's.
"I've read over your reports and statements multiple times Mr. Rose and I can't for the life of me come up with a valid reason as to why you did this" the courtroom is so quiet that when I gulp I fear people heard it. "So, I concluded it was pure hatred and anger that fuelled you that night. I also can't wrap my head around the fact that you got a second chance and you threw it away so easily. It makes you a threat to society and for that reason you won't be going home." My hands shake.
"Having pled guilty to the second-degree murder of Ace Pollar on the night of March twenty-seventh, I'm going to sentence you to life with a mandatory minimum twenty-five years to state prison. You have thirty days to appeal the judgements sentence of the court. If you cannot afford to hire an attorney, one will be appointed to you. I wish you luck Mr. Rose."
I can't feel anything, I feel blank, nothing. I knew the outcome, I knew he would get life but to hear it with my own two ears and have it confirmed feels like something I can't describe.
Like everything I thought was my future is gone, everything I thought would be is now nothing.
I feel mums hands touching my face, trying to get me to look at her. I feel Harley rubbing my knee but I'm emotionless.
"Poppy, look at me honey" mum pleads into my left ear but I can't tear my eyes away from Hex. I can't look away knowing this is the last time I'll ever see him outside the walls of Hellbound.
I take everything in like it's the first time I've seen him and suddenly my memories are switching back to the first time I saw him to the present. The way he moves, the look in his eyes, and his face; although older now still the best thing I'd ever laid my eyes on.
Hex is yanked up by his underarms by Rob and John. I don't even realise I'm crying until a tear hits my cheek and mum wipes it away. It's the only one I allow to fall.
I watch closely as Hex begins to pull away from the guards. He looks over his shoulder at me, he doesn't bother hiding his panic now and I see it clear in his eyes.
"Poppy!" His shout breaks me out of whatever delusion I had fallen into.
The guards begin to yell for back up but Hex doesn't tear his eyes off mine.
I hear mum and Harley murmuring besides me and my body moves without control and follows mum as she pulls me.
"We have to get her out of here" I think it's Harley but I don't know.
More guards run in to control Hex and I don't want to see it but I can't look away.
"Poppy!" His voice is what breaks my gaze from him as his eyes move from mine to my stomach. To the life growing inside. The life that he won't raise.
"Come on honey, we have to go home now" mums voice is sweet and finally I look at her. She wears a smile but it wobbles in the corners and her eyes are teary.
"Let's go, Pops" Harley ushers me from behind to move out of the pew.
I hear the moment the guards regain control of him by the 'oomph' that echos in the room and it takes everything within me to not look back. I don't want to see him like that, I've seen him being restrained too many times.
"He'll be okay, Poppy" Harley whispers to me from behind me and squeezes the hand she holds. "He's done this before, he'll be okay".
He's done this before.
Maybe it wasn't just bad luck that had landed Hex in prison the first place, maybe he just can't function in society. No amount of parole, therapy or anger management had helped him. Not even the fear of losing me had helped him. He's always been stuck in his ways. Hidebound.
"Poppy!" The scream is guttural and I look back in time to see him be taken through the side door as it slams behind him.
And finally, I can breathe.