songs for this chapter are:
angels - the xx
you - the 1975
Ariana.
Three weeks later.
Puffs of smoke blocks the eye from peering down the empty alleyway where the musky air filled. The only source of light coming from is the cigarette perched on the edge of my lips. My fingers ran over the cool metal of the small lighter in the palm of my hand before it dug deep into my leather jacket to stuff the lighter in there.
All I could hear was the crunching of my heavy boots against the gravel beneath me and dripping of dirty water from the old rusty pipes, and buildings above me. My chest heaved in as I exhaled the puffs of smoke and inhaled the fumes of the cigarette. It was quite relaxing to forget everything for once and revel in the sudden emptiness I had in me.
I was currently dragging myself to Elizabeth's apartment when she practically begged me to meet her there to discuss 'lady business' with her. Like I fucking cared. I was only doing this because given the dark circles beneath my eyes that had formed from my lack of sleep and my chance to finally get out of the matchbox-like apartment of mine. I needed to escape from my old life, my happier life. I needed to escape because I knew that everything that had happened in the recent past was way behind me and was definitely never coming back. I needed to return to my old confident and independent self.
I could no longer trust or rely on anyone but myself until I was out of this trance. I could no longer love or care for anyone else but myself because in the end I will only have myself. And I learned that the hard way. I had learned it by having merely every bit of strength and every bit of happiness completely sucked out of me and left me drained, left me empty.
After many weeks of Harry's sudden departure from the world and everything around him, including me, I was still not convinced that Harry was the reason why I am so broken. He had told me and warned me an endless amount of times that he was no good to me but I did not believe any of it. He had changed my life, that I was sure of. But I was certain he changed it for the better, he was my trust and reliance while I had him. He showed me to love in ways I never thought were possible. He showed me that not only is life a gift but you should not ever intend on wasting it. He showed me that you should take every day as if it were your last and live it to the fullest. He showed me that there was certainly beauty in this cruel world that was so often unkind to us. He showed me that even in the most broken places you can remain strong. He showed me that love is certainly the most powerful thing around, love is capable of building or breaking us humans. He showed me that even if you are constantly judged by the content of your character you should never put a second thought into what others tell you because it is simply not worth it. He showed me that the challenges in our life were only temporary and he promised me that even if these challenges seemed endless, if you fought hard enough all these challenges were completely worth it. He showed me that it took everything to come crashing down to know what true freedoms felt like.
He was my trust, my reliance, my love, my heart, my mind, my body, my soul, and I was so completely in love with this man who was so beautifully broken. It was either that I loved him too much to not realize that he had been the reason for my emptiness or that I was stupid. Harry has never hurt me, intentionally at least. He has always been so gentle and kind to me even when I least deserved it, he has always been by my side to lift me back up when I was upset and I him. We both had each other to lean on for support, courage, and strength. We had made a major impact on each other's lives. And yes, our relationship was not as perfect as it would be in the movies but in our own way it was all so beautiful.
We were a mess, no part of me denied that, but we were a beautifully chaotic mess.
And God knew how much I loved him, he knew I would do just about anything for him. But as the lonely days dragged on and on I realized that not only was it killing me, it was killing everything around me too. The longer I spent without him I could no longer sleep, eat, laugh, smile. Everything that used to mean so much to me was nearly pointless now. I no longer cared for the people around me because my mind was too caught up in what I did wrong for Harry to leave me so suddenly. The guilt would creep in and I would find myself curled up into bed countless nights weeping away at the things I could have done to change what has already been done. I was mindlessly blaming myself for his departure from me. It was as if I was slowly dying inside, every emotion was drained out of my being making me useless. If I had nothing to love, to trust, to care for, I had no reason to be here. Us humans were made to root for the underdog and to build or break what we call society; it is unalienable to feel, but I was not feeling a thing. I was emotionless. I was the dullest I had been yet. I felt as if I were to end it all here it would not matter. I had given everything to Harry. I had given him as much support and love I could and many more, I was his everything while he had me. His actions had killed me, killed and shut off any emotion I had in me. Not only were his actions killing me, they were killing everything around me as well.
When you loved the one who was killing you, it left you with no options. How could you run, how could you fight, when doing so would hurt that beloved one? If your life was all you had to give, how could you not give it? If it was someone who you truly loved?
And those questions that stirred in my mind terrified me the most. I loved Harry with every fiber of my being but his actions were made to dig at any shred of empathy I had left until I was turned into dust. I so desperately wanted to escape from this dark clouded trance I was in and I knew that if I were to go back to him I hurt him and myself included. We were meant to be separated. I could not run or fight because I would hurt him as much as he hurt me.
I shook my head from these thoughts before pulling the cigarette perched on the edge of my lips out before stomping on it to illuminate the light the small flame created. It was only minutes after that I had finally arrived at Elizabeth's apartment complex and quickly walked up the stairs and knocked lightly on the wooden door. My foot tapped against the pavement as I waited for her tall frame appear at the door. The wind blew harshly and I was sure it was about to storm due to the red clouds forming in the dark sky. I have always loved the rainfall but right now I was silently praying that it would not rain because unfortunately, I walked here.
The door knob jingled before light spilled out into the dark night as Elizabeth fully opened the door. Her blue eyes wandered around before she finally met my eyes and smiled widely.
"So you made it," Liz giggled before I huffed and pushed past her to walk into her apartment. As soon as I walked in the clean room, the fresh scent of coffee beans hit me. I mean, I have always loved the smell of coffee but now it was there lingering in the air at full force and it even made my nose burn every time I inhaled.
"Jesus, are you making coffee?" I playfully plugged my nose with my fingers as I asked.
"Obviously," Liz snickered before shutting the door and locking it. I walked into her living room and sat down on the edge of the largest leather couch. Elizabeth then walked over and sat in the middle of the couch before shooting me a confused glare. "Why don't you sit down?"
"Because I don't want to sit on the couch you and Jason have sex on." I teased and Liz let out a high pitched laugh. I giggled before I slumped down onto the seat beside her and shifted my body to face hers. "So, why did you invite me over?"
"I wanted to talk and catch up on whatever the hell has been going around." Liz shrugged before reaching over and snatching the can of cashews off the coffee table. "Anything new?" She asked with a mouth full of cashews.
"Not really," I shrugged. I was lying, there was so much that has happened since we had last saw each other but I knew that if I opened up I would break all over again. "You?"
"Yea, tons." Liz squealed before adjusting herself on the couch to face me. And this is how it was for the next few hours. Elizabeth shared all the gossip that has been going around campus while we had a couple of drinks and already had diminished two cans of cashews. Elizabeth shared that a student was recently caught slutting it up with a teacher and the professor was immediately sent to court and fired from the university. She shared that two boys were caught fighting in the science and recreations center. She shared that at the last fraternity party the cops arrived due to the possession drugs and underage drinking and luckily she and Jason had escaped before the cops found them.
By the time the clock struck midnight we were already down three bottles of wine and two cans of cashews and a full bag of chips. I was quite tipsy and I felt as if I were on a cloud, we were at complete bliss for once. We had repeated and laughed endlessly at the many of memories we shared with Jai and our old group. And for once it did not hurt to talk about him, I no longer felt the fire in my veins when his name was brought up and I was relieved. It felt incredible to let go of all the hate and anger for once.
...
"How are things going with you and Jason?" I slurred, my voice coming out longer with each syllable.
Elizabeth was just as tipsy as I was because she seemed to slur her words as well and laugh just a little more than she usually would.
"I don't even know," She laughed weakly before she raked a hand through her messy hair.
"What do you mean?" I asked before I pressed the bottle of wine to my lips.
"We are sorta... in an argument." She blew out a deep breath before she leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder.
"Why? What happened?" I asked as I slung my arm around her shoulders and ran my nails softly over her arm in a friendly manner.
"It was just one of those typical relationship arguments I guess, nothing huge." She drew out another deep sigh, her chest caved in as she exhaled.
"What did he do now!" I said in disappointment. Jason was usually the one who would start the fight so I assumed it was his fault they were in an argument.
"It wasn't him who started it," She whispered, her voice barely audible in disappointment and possibly regret.
"What did you do?" I asked in curiosity. Liz only lifted her head off my shoulder and returned to her original spot. Her eyes were focused on her thumbs playing with the sleeves of her sweater as she refused to look at me in the eye. She was quiet for a while, and I understood. I did not want to pressure her and force her to tell me because I knew that it hurt her to even think about it.
"I-I.." Liz drew in a breath before she continued. "A while ago when we went to a frat together we were already not on good terms with each other. As you already know, Jason has quite a temper, he gets out of control quickly and once he starts he can't stop. Usually, I try to calm him down like Jai always would when he was in the group but to no avail. A few weeks before we went to that frat party the waters were already hot, we had recently fought and we felt as if this party would bring us together again. And it did, for the most part at least." Liz explained before pausing to take another swig at the bottle in my hands.
"When we arrived it was a little awkward but as we kept on talking and drinking we loosened up and we were talking as if we had never fought. We played a couple rounds of beer pong and other games and I guess that was what bought us together, we were happily drinking and talking again. Well at one point I was belligerently drunk, I could even see straight and all I knew was that Jason was behind my drunk ass the whole time. So all I remember is that we ended up going upstairs and we uhm..." Liz stuttered awkwardly but I only grinned and nodded, understanding what happened upstairs. "You know what happened. Well after that we were at complete bliss, we were the happiest we had been yet. After a while we went back downstairs and we continued to dance with the groups of sweaty people and in the midst of it I assume Jason left to get us some more drinks and all I remember was that I was left alone on the dance floor. I was dancing, as per usual, and I felt someone's hands on me and since I was drunk out of my fucking mind I went along with it and let this person touch me and dance with me."
Elizabeth paused and I felt my stomach churn as she wiped away the forming tears at the corners of her eyes. She took another swig at the bottle for confidence before taking a deep, steady breath to control herself from breaking down. I took her hand in mine and pulled her into an embrace as she collected herself. I could not watch my best friend fall apart right before me, it was rare when Liz cried. It took a lot for her to break, and I could tell that this was slowly breaking her even if she couldn't admit it to herself. I felt her tears seep through my t-shirt as she finally endured the pain she has been holding in.
"I thought Jason was behind me the whole time, I thought Jason was dancing with me and touching me all along. But that's when I remember the next thing I felt was the persons body yanked away from mine and the music stopped. I don't know what happened after that but what I do know is that Jason beat the shit out of him because he was seething with anger, not only with him but for me as well. When we were in the car on our way back home I remember he was completely silent. I don't know what came over him but he chose to be silent and I was surprised. When we arrived to his place I remember I was sobered up a bit and right when we arrived he sat me down. He could not even look at me, he was disgusted by me and I did not even know why. He didn't yell, he didn't put up a fight, he just let me go. J-just like that, I was no longer his because he had reached his breaking point. He told me that it was complete bullshit that I did not know that it was not him and that he loved me even if I hurt him but he had just had enough of it. He was done with our constant arguing and my actions were just enough for him to l-let me go." Elizabeth choked out in between sobs.
Seeing her break like this was surely digging at my chest too, she was reminding me of what Harry and I once had. We had such a strong love only for it to be turned into dust because he had left me just like that. I felt like I could no longer support Liz because I was feeling just as bad as she was. But I tried to give her the best advice I could because I never wanted her to feel the agonizing heartbreak I was currently feeling.
"It's okay," I said as I pulled her into another embrace. My hand matted down the hair on the back of her head as my other rubbed circles on her back in relaxation. "You love him don't you?"
"So much it hurts." Elizabeth stated with such confidence I could see that she was telling the truth and that she meant it with every fiber of her being.
"Do you believe he loves you?"
"Yes, I know he loves me just as much as I love him." I pulled away from her only to wipe away the tear staining her cheek, as my thumb wiped beneath her eye some dark makeup was picked up with my touch.
"Then you have to fight for him," I said in all honesty. I was suddenly reminded of a similar issue that Elizabeth and Jason had helped me with. When Harry and I had our first break up I was utterly broken, but no where near as bad as I currently am; I recall being on the phone with them and they told me to fight for what I love the most. And I knew I loved Harry more than anything else, so I fought for him, and later on that night was the same night we had first ever made love and connected in a way only I could ever dream of. "Even if he is avoiding you and you guys are not on speaking terms you have to keep on fighting for him. If you love him and he loves you then he will forgive you because all relationships have our struggles and we always resolve them no matter what."
"W-what if he doesn't take me back?"
"He will. Jason loves you so damn much and I am sure he will take you back on an instant. You just have to show him and give him all your love for him to know that this love is real, and absolutely nothing can break you apart." I said with as much enthusiasm as possible. I was telling the truth, though. Love can cure just about anything.
She snuggled her head up in the crook of my neck as she endured the heartbreak and fear. It was obvious that she was trying to remain strong but could no longer. And this made me extremely upset as well.
If Harry loves me will he take me back if I fight for him?
This question was quickly denied as I remembered that Harry was very determined to leave me like this. He would not take me back if I ever came back to him in attempt to fix him myself. I had to remind myself this every day, his intentions were good and he never meant to hurt me. But as I watched Elizabeth try to remain strong as well I felt all my walls crumbling down. My chest caved in deeply and I was sure I was on the verge of breaking down any moment now. There was no way I could hold it in any longer after nearly two months of being away from him.
My chest heaved up and down in heavy, unsteady breaths and I could already feel the warm tears brim in my eyes. My hands balled into tight fist as I tried to hold back the tears but to no avail. The tears finally broke free and fell unrestrained, there was no stopping it. I tried to slow my breathing and wipe my tears before Elizabeth noticed but it was too late, she could feel me crying. She pulled away from our embrace and looked at me with a puzzled expression. Her hands came to rest on either side of my face as she forced me to look at her.
"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" She asked in a saddened tone which only made me want to sob even harder.
"I-I don't know." I replied shortly.
"There has to be a reason why you're crying..." She wiped beneath my eyes with her thumbs before returning her eyes back to mine. "I-is it because of what I said? Oh my! I never meant to hurt you or make you jealous-" She rambled on but I cut her off by the choking sob that ripped from my throat.
She wrapped her arms around my neck as mine bunched up at my chest to hold myself together. My body shook as the annihilating pain spread through my whole body. All my walls were crumbling down in attempt to destroy me at this moment, and if it weren't for her support I would've let it.
"I-I loved him so much, Liz." I choked out.
"What happened?"
"He fucking left me, again." As soon as I said it I was sure there was a gaping hole straight through me. It was painful to admit it verbally. "I don't know what I did to deserve all this."
"You did nothing, babe, that is just the way life is. Unfortunately, challenges are thrown at us even to the people who don't deserve it. You need to accept that."
"I gave him all my love, all my trust, he was my everything while I had him and now he just disappeared." I admitted. "Its been two fucking months without him and I don't know if I can handle this anymore. He left me for good and I can't even process the thought of never seeing him again."
"Don't say-" Liz started but I cut her off again.
"He was sure of his actions, Elizabeth. He wanted to leave me because it was not fair on my behalf and he wanted to make me happy but I can never be happy without him. I need him. I love Harry so much that even if he comes back to me I'll take him back on an instant and never let him go again. I can't live without him, I depended on him for everything and now that he's gone I'm back to where I started; cold, broken, alone." I sobbed as I clung tightly to Elizabeth.
Finally, finally, I endured the agonizing pain I have stifled for so long. I had tried my best to keep it all in and remain numb but now as I spilled, I couldn't stop sobbing. I was feeling every loss I've suffered, specifically one in particular. It seemed like hours that we were wrapped into each other's arms, sobbing because the pain of our losses were unbearable. It was paining that we were both facing these losses yet it was quite relieving to know that I was facing them with my best friend and we both had each other for support when we had no one else. We could not actually give each other the best of advice because we were facing the same problems, but we had each other to lean on. So meanwhile, we were completely content with out options for support.
I could feel the way our bodies shook terribly in unison as the choking sobs tenfold. I let out a cracked whimper and my throat felt unbelievably tight and scratchy from all the crying I have done. I could practically feel the sobs wrack through my body and vibrate at my skull with such intensity. The pain I was feeling was immense, something like never before.
It felt like hours that we were crying like never before, it could have been minutes, seconds, but all I knew was that this pain seemed endless. Hours after listening to our silenced sobs and the heavy rain pelting down on the windows, we were restless. It had come to the time that we were both left drained and drowsy after the pain we endured.
My head rested lazily on her lap as she reclined back into the couch in a laying position. We were too weak to even manage to walk to the bedroom. The heartbreak was still there, it lingered in my mind and all throughout my body as if were mocking me for what I had lost, but I did not feel a thing. It was either that I was drained or that I was numb all over, but I could not feel a single emotion.
We still had a long, long way ahead of us, but this was the beginning, this was just the beginning to all the things that were ahead of us and there was a long way before everything was right again. And I was willing to wait every second of it, no matter how heartbreaking it was to endure.
-
guys I missed you all so much you have no idea jskfnfkfnflfnfw i have a few things to announce today so please bare with this long authors note lol
1. there is about 15 chapters left of "Clueless" I'm not ready to end this book I love it too much
2. I have one more week of school
3. that means that once I'm out you can expect super fast updates and a faster ending to this book !!
4. I am aware that these chapters are a bore and drag along but trust me it'll be worth it
5. I am saying that because all these sad chapters are building up to what is going to happen in the near future
6. I've already gave you all so many hints throughout these last few chapters on what will be happening
7. please don't go look for it because you probably won't find it because it's pretty unexpected lol :-)
8. we got 24k reads on this story and you all don't know how grateful I am for every read and vote and comment. I really don't know how I can repay you all for making me so happy you all are the bestest x
9. this chapter is dedicated to my baby Amanda (1D_erections ) because she is the most sweetest and cutest and kindhearted people out there and I love her so much and she deserves all the love in the world so make sure to go read her book called "Utilized" because it is incredible.
10. I love you guys so much. you're so amazing 💓
All the love xx