The only reason I know its July is because of Hex's sentencing looming over us. It feels like a dark cloud but the selfish part of me can't wait to come out on the other side, even if its without Hex.
Speaking of Hex, I haven't spoken to him since the night he got arrested and the only time I have set eyes on him was during his hearing. I know he wants to talk to me and the only reason I know that is because of Harley. Bless her, she's been the messenger between us, well, from Hex to me.
I know he's going away for a long time and only recently have the stabbing sensations started to lessen. I can't risk going back to that.
"How are you feeling about tomorrow?" Harley whispers as she stands beside me behind the bar.
I shrug, like its no big deal even though the outcome of tomorrow will change the trajectory of my life.
"I feel okay" I don't look at her because she'll see through the façade; and the nerves, anxiety and worry that hide beneath will come to the surface. If I pretend to be calm, maybe it'll work.
Harley grabs my forearm and gives it a comforting squeeze. She knows I'm not telling her the truth and I'm thankful she doesn't call me out on it.
"Harley, can I have some help over here?" I hear Sarah call from the back room.
Harley gives me another squeeze and then disappears, leaving me the only person behind the bar. I don't mind, it gives me a chance to breathe away from Harley's smothering.
Sarah had sprained her ankle last week and had been hobbling around on a boot for the last few days once she realised it wasn't getting better.
In my opinion she's been acting like a helpless princess, unable to do basic tasks for herself, but I'm no doctor and maybe I'm just being cynical. If only a sprained ankle was my biggest problem.
I had to pick up more shifts at Darby's and even though I'm exhausted, its doing a good job at distracting me, the only negative is that its bringing the sentencing date closer, faster.
Stevie had abruptly left Darby's around a month ago and moved up north with his Platonic. Apparently she'd had enough of him spending so much time here and I can't help but feel like she can't completely trust him after the affair with Harley.
God, that feels like years ago.
We had been left without any management, the fear of possibly losing my job and not having Hex's secondary income to fall back on nearly sent me spiralling. That was until the government assigned Harley to take Stevie's position. She had taken it in her stride and fallen right into the position. It seemed like a good fit and because of her we've made more income within the last month than any other month since I've worked at Darby's.
I feel like everyones life is falling into place, while mine is falling apart.
"Mornin' darlin'" I nearly jump out of my skin when Kevin appears before me.
"Oh! You scared me, Kevin" I place a hand to my heart and give him a small smile.
He's sober.
Kevin had found out the truth about Ace and his actions in befriending Kevin shortly after he had died. I don't know who told him or maybe he came to the conclusion himself but he had spiralled for a little while before putting himself in rehab after getting arrested for public intoxication in May. He's been sober ever since.
"Bit jumpy today, nerves getting to ya?" He means well but I can't escape the questions and the curiosity of everyone in this stupid town. Hex's case was all over the news when it first happened and after his hearing it had calmed down but now that his sentencing is tomorrow its everywhere again.
I give Kevin another small smile and pretend I never heard the question. "What can I get you?" I ask.
"Just water, sweetheart." His apology is in the pet-name.
He may not drink anymore but he still comes in and spends his days drinking water and socialising with the other customers. And when there's no one to talk to, he helps out in the back. Its been good, especially now that Sarah sprained her ankle. Harley's been talking about hiring him once she's a little more settled in her new role as manager.
So much has changed in four months.
*
The only time I get to myself without everyone smothering me is in the drive to and from work. Sometimes I drive around in circles in an attempt to make it last longer but I know it'll only be a matter of time before mum calls worrying about me.
I try to open the front door of mums apartment as quietly as possible but she still hears it and I hear her heels walking towards me.
I'm still living with mum and after tomorrow I intend to look for somewhere I can afford. I never went back to Hex and I's apartment. Banks and West had packed up the apartment and now someone else lives there. Our furniture is currently in storage while I'm at mums but I have everything I need.
And yes, I said West. I didn't want to ask Harley to go to the place her brother murdered someone for my own sake and West had told me to call if I ever needed anything; so I called. I couldn't expect Banks to move everything by himself or for Brian to help.
"Hi honey, how was your day?" Even though I dread the smothering I walk into every night, the way she smiles at me, like I'm her whole world is the only thing that brightens my mood.
"Hi mum, it was good" I give her a hug and she takes my bag from me, just like she did when I would come home from school as a child. "What's this?" I ask as I tug on the fabric she's clutching in her palms.
"I was ironing it for tomorrow" she says quietly, not wanting to talk about the sentencing. She holds the dress by the sleeves and shows me. "I thought you could wear it?"
See what I mean about the smothering?
"Its cute... but its a bit tight" I touch the fabric and its soft like a cloud. I like the colour but it seems almost too cheery for a day like tomorrow.
I see her face drop a little and it punches me in the stomach.
"Okay, I-I think I've got shoes to go with it" I mumble, not truly sure if I have matching shoes.
Her face lights up again and I try my best to copy her.
I follow her into the kitchen where the iron board still stands and she goes back to ironing the dress.
"Did you ask Harley about the funeral, honey?" The mood turns sombre again and I take a seat with a sigh.
Mum had been curious about Wyonna and the funeral plans. We still hadn't laid Wyonna to rest and it had kind of been put on the back-burner until after Hex's sentencing. Well, until Harley is able to organise it.
"No mum" I sigh. She doesn't say anything else and continues ironing. I feel bad that I unintentionally brushed her off but I really don't want to talk about the funeral right now, its just another stressor I don't want to deal with.
"Brian staying tonight?" I ask as I watch her iron. Brian had been staying over a lot lately, another reason I need to start looking for somewhere to live. No matter how much mum reassures me that I can stay as long as I like, I feel like the next step for them is moving in together and I've put that on pause.
"Yes" she looks up at me from under her eyebrows "is that okay?"
I roll my eyes and stand up "mum, its your apartment, you don't have to ask for my permission" I mutter and don't give her the chance to say anything else before leaving the kitchen.
I'm so exhausted that as soon as I lay on my bed I fall asleep, only waking when mum hands me my dinner. I poke it, take a few bites and put it down again.
But no matter how much I try, I don't manage to get back to sleep. I hear mum and Brian go to sleep and I hear the ticking of the grandfather clock in the lounge room ring on the hour and by the time I hear it click over to midnight, I stand.
I walk silently down the hall and to the front door.
Its officially the day of Hex's sentencing.
The lock on the front door is loud when I unlock it and I freeze for a few moments, waiting for mum to investigate the noise but she doesn't and I step outside.
Its not cold surprisingly, except when a gust of wind would come through every now and then and rattle through Hex's shirt I had changed into.
I stand and observe the neighbourhood, hoping it'll make it easier for me to fall asleep with the fresh air.
Hex did it so hopefully it will help me.
I don't know how long I'm outside but when a cat runs through a bush a few meters away, it scares me and I take one last breath of the night air and head inside, locking the door behind me.
Although the fresh air had calmed me, it didn't calm me enough to fall asleep and when the sun starts to rise, I give up.