My mind is foggy as I step into formal pants. They're itchy on my skin and I feel constricted and trapped. I want nothing more than to change back into Hex's shirt that I had been sleeping in.
The heels that I'm meant to wear are even worse though and I only take a few steps in them before taking them off and putting on sneakers instead. It doesn't matter how I dress right? Its not my court appearance.
"Time to go, honey!" I hear mum call from the kitchen. I don't answer her but quickly twirl my hair up into a claw clip and exit my room.
Her eyes scan me when I enter and they stop on my shoes but she doesn't say anything.
Her dress is navy in colour and she looks much more presentable than I do.
"Ready to go, ladies?" I jump, not expecting anyone else to be here.
Brian is dressed in his usual suit and tie as he stands in the doorway. He looks awkwardly between mum and I and I don't miss the lingering gaze he looks at mum with. It makes me sick.
"Oh honey, I forgot to tell you. I asked Brian to drive us is-is that okay?" She's still tiptoeing around me but its not annoying me the way it was previously. I feel indifferent towards it, just like everything else.
"Yeah" I nod. I see her relief and the guilt hits me. Brian hadn't been around much since I had started living with mum and I had begun to wonder if mum had broken up whatever their relationship stasis was but now I can tell that she had kept him at a distance. "Thanks Brian" I mumble and make my way towards the front door. Mum and Brian scuffle to gathers things we'll need before following after me.
The drive to court is a blur but when Brian parks in front of the entry and waits for us to get out, all the emotions come rushing back to me.
Its the same courthouse that had let Hex off on the assault on Jacob, but I know we're not going to be that lucky this time.
I can't help but compare the way I feel walking into the courthouse doors compared to last time; I felt hope growing in my chest with everyone around me telling me about the odds of the outcome but this time there's nothing but dread. This time I know he's going away and I know he's going away for a long time.
"Poppy?" I blink out of my thoughts and look up at mum as she holds the door open for me. I hadn't even realised she had got out of the car and opened my door. I look up and make eye contact with Brian in the mirror. "Are you okay, honey?" She presses her palm to my forehead but I push it away gently and take my seatbelt off, getting out of the car.
My legs feel weak but I straighten my spine and lift my head, hoping to trick myself into feeling confident.
I briefly hear mum and Brian talking behind me about how Brian will drive around until court is done and then he'll be back to pick us up but my attention has switched to Harley as she stands in front of the courthouse doors, waiting for us.
I hear Brian's car pull away from the curb and mum loops her arm in mine before we walk up the steps of the courthouse. There's too many and I have to grab the railing to steady myself.
"Hi Poppy, how are you?" Harley mumbles in my ear as she envelopes me in her arms. I hadn't noticed Banks before as he stands behind her.
I leave the three of them to greet each other and I walk through the doors of the courthouse. Everything feels grand and expensive and I hate it.
I look over at the room that held Hex's first court appearance and do a double take when I see the man standing by the entrance.
"Charlie?" I call to the back of his head but I already know its him; his distinctive look making it easy to identify him.
He turns to look at me and sure enough, it's him.
"Hi Mrs. Rose" its a stab to the heart when he calls me Mrs. Rose instead of Ms. Hart.
"What are you doing here?" I question but my words seem quiet compared to the hustle going on around us. There are multiple security guards and lawyers loitering around and I can't help but wonder what their cases involve, is it as bad as Hex's?
Charlie looks uncomfortable as he fiddles with the briefcase he's always holding and it becomes clear he had hoped to be discreet in his attendance.
"Saw the news" he gestures to the court room. "Thought I'd see for myself."
I nod. He had seen Hex's face all over the TV and newspapers, just like everyone else had.
"I'm sure Hex will appreciate it" I give him a weak smile and pat his arm in silent thanks. I mean my words, I know Hex appreciates Charlie more than he will ever say and secretly I think Charlie feels the same way.
I watch as he gestures towards his briefcase and contemplates what to say for a moment.
"I-I thought maybe they might ask for Mr. Rose's parole papers" I see the hesitance in his words as he wonders if he should say anything but I also see the doubt and my eyes mirror his.
They won't need the papers, they won't help.
"I don't think they will, Charlie" I shake my head subtly as I whisper the words.
"Poppy!" I jump when someone grabs my arm and I turn to see mum and the worry in her eyes. "I didn't know where you went. Its time to go in."
Harley and Banks stand behind her, his arm wrapped around her waist as she nervously picks at her dress hem.
I say nothing to Charlie as we exchange a glance and I walk past him into the courtroom. I hope I'm able to talk afterwards, I still have a lot to say to him.
I'm not sure how much time passes once we take our seats. Harley and mum sit on either side of me and I observe the room in fear knowing that those chairs are going to be filled with lawyers, a judge and Hex.
I hope mum has a bag or something I can throw up in when I hear the not guilty plea leave Hex's mouth.
Mum grabs my hand to stop the insistent picking on my nail I had been doing, I look down only to find small dots of blood on the nailbeds of three of my fingers and suddenly I can feel the sting.
Mums fingers tighten around my hand when a door opens and the judge appears. Its a male this time and we stand as he enters.
"You may take a seat" he speaks into the microphone and the only sound is the rustling of clothing as people take their seats again.
His expression is made of stone and I know he's not going to appreciate Hex's not guilty plea.
My heart beats in my chest hard as the judge looks over papers on his desk. I know Hex is going to make an appearance soon and I'm scared of how I'm going to react. The last time I saw him, he had been covered in blood and had left in a police car without another word to me.
My eyes see him as soon as the side door opens, everything around him blurs and I want to grab him and take him out of this town, like we had always dreamed and now will never do. He sees me immediately and his stare becomes intense; so much so that I have to look away in order to breathe in.
His beard has grown and his hair hadn't been styled but besides that he still looks like my Hex, except now he adorns handcuffs and shackles and is dressed in clothing that's not his.
"Hex Rose" the judge speaks clearly and it echoes throughout the court room.
I feel the moment his eye leave me because a chill runs through my body and only then do I look at him. His back is to me as he faces the judge and I take a deep breath.
I want nothing more than to cover my ears when he begins to read out the charge. He reads it so emotionless and I wonder if this is his first murder case for the day.
"Accused of the murder of Ace Pollar on the night of March twenty-seventh" I drop my head, my mind feeling dizzy.
But behind my closed eyes I see the blood and hear the grunts. I can even feel the cold air of that night on my skin and the smell of the iron in the air. I have to take deep breaths to calm myself before I run out of the courtroom.
"How do you plea, Mr. Rose?" I can't bring myself to look up as I wait for Hex to speak.
My palms are sweaty in mums and my legs feel too weak to even bounce my knee. I feel hot but my teeth chatter behind my lips and shake from anxiety.
"Guilty" I feel like the air is stolen from me and my blood stops pumping in my veins.
Guilty?
I look over at Harley, only to find her already looking at me and the look in her eye tells me that she had told him of my stance on his plea.
I look at the intricate details on the ceiling and take a deep lungful of air in.
"Very well, case adjourned until the second of July" the judge bangs his gavel as the hearing comes to an end.
Hex tries to catch my eyes as he's lead away but I can't do it, I can't look at him. Only when the door closes behind him do I look up.
*
"Charlie" I pull away from mum as she tries to usher me into Brian's car. Charlie stops when he hears me call his name. "I-I just wanted to say thank you." I don't have to explain what for, he knows I'm talking about his time being Hex's parole officer. He's one of the only people that truly tried to help Hex.
"There's nothing to thank me for, Mrs. Rose" there's hostility in his words but its not directed at me and instead its at himself.
"No, Charlie-"
"My job was to keep him from re-offending and I failed" the lump in my throat stops me from telling him that he helped us more than he could have ever known. "I'm sorry, Poppy" Charlie walks away with glossy eyes and a shaky voice and I can't do anything but watch him walk down the street with that briefcase.
He called me Poppy.
"Honey" mum calls from behind me as she waits by the open car door "lets go home."