January
1 year ago
They said they'd still be friends. That they still cared for each other. That was a lie.
They'd been avoiding each other. Jessica complained that they are tearing the group apart. Chan was gone whenever Renée was around. Renée gone whenever Chan was around.
"Hey I'm here." Renée burst through the door. "I brought alcohol."
"Ray. It's past 12. The party is long over." Jessica's voice was tense.
"Oh. Is it? Sorry I got caught in something. My mom was asking me about–"
"Ray stop it right now. What's going on?"
"I told you. My mom wanted me–"
"Between you and Chan. You guys are clearly avoiding each other."
"What are you talking about? I know I'm not avoiding him. I don't know about him."
"Come on, be straight with me."
Renée wanted to object but decided against it. There was no lying or manipulating your away around Jessica. "Honestly. I... don't know. I'm just so ashamed to face him."
"Why would you be?"
"I feel like I don't know him anymore."
"That's ridiculous. He's still the same person, whether you're together or not."
"He's the same. But he's avoiding me now. So I don't know what to make of that. I'm the problem, I suppose."
"How can you say that? Not much can change between you two except for the fact that you aren't together. You're still Ray and he's still Chan. You've always been there for each other, what changed?"
"Me. I've changed." She doesn't know why she said it but ever since she went to Barcelona, she knows she's not the same person. "I'm nothing but trouble for him. I make his life difficult. Ever since I came back, he's not even been allowed to hang out with you guys freely. I'm to blame for that."
Jessica watched her. Her eyes flickering over Renée's expression.
"Do you care for him?"
"Always."
"Then he'll always care for you. Even now. Even tomorrow. It doesn't have to be more complicated than what it is. I know there's a capacity for you two to continue your friendship, given your history and the mutual and mature decision of separating. I feel like there's something you're not telling me."
Remée shook her head. "I think... I think it's difficult for me to let it out."
"So you admit it, you do have something to say? A problem?"
"Every thing I needed to tell you were spur of the moment things. The little things. The things that has long gone and passed."
"Like what? Tell me."
Renée sighed and looked at the table full of leftover snacks. "I'm so hungry."
Jessica dragged a plate of chips towards her. Renée thinks that she didn't quite understood what she meant by that confession. She can't even blame him.
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...
Renée eased into a familiar routine after the holidays. She went back to college. Moved into a tiny student dorm, surprisingly more roomy than her accomodation in Barcelona so she really couldn't complain.
She'd taken a few courses, trying to ease back into things. The experience was a little different than before. Going back, knowing that most of the people she'd been friends with were done with this and now out in the real world. It was daunting.
She'd been trying to get over the melancholy that she and Chan were over. Like really, really through. When they were far apart, she couldn't quite visualise it. It felt like they were on a break, or the distance was a barrier; the one and only problem. She'd take a flight back and everything would be back to normal.
They'd kiss and slap a bandage on each other.
But it wasn't that simple. When she landed, the distance between them seemed to widen to an impossibly wider length. She avoided Chan. Chan avoided her. When they were together, awkwardness and tension filled the room.
Chan didn't want her. Hyunjin didn't want her. Nobody wanted her.
Two heartbreaks in just one year were sure to kill her.
Hyunjin wanted her, wanted her in those first few moments, when everything was building up. When things were simple. Hyunjin would fill her up with cotton and pills; and in exchange she'd offer the body he helped her sustain.
Sex was almost all they shared. Hyunjin told her that was his intention from the beginning but she deluded herself into thinking that she was special enough to make him change his mind.
To him, she was just another beautiful body in the ocean of thinner, whiter much prettier bodies.
But it wasn't his fault. It was hers. She knew it.
He told her many times that he could not give her more than he was willing to offer. He was there merely as a distraction, keeping her from crying over Chan. He was there to guide her and teach her little secrets and tricks to get ahead in a cutthroat industry.
But she deluded herself. Why couldn't she be the one he took to museums, showed abstract paintings to and share less than exciting anecdotes about the dog he's renting a house for back in his home country?
Why wasn't she ever enough?
She'd been filled with a lot of negative emotions last half of the year, after Hyunjin had left for the states. A high demand model like him couldn't stay behind, and wait for her. He was a big fish in a big fond, and he could not waste time with the likes of her.
He warned her that he'd have to leave sometime. That he couldn't stay one place too long, it was the requirement of the job. He warned her but she still couldn't help but be shocked when he left. She didn't know how attached she become to the man.
After that she felt so lost. Not finding happiness in anything she was doing. Finding out this life was not what she thought it would be, it wasn't for her. She returned home as soon as she could. Missing the comfort home brought. But home didn't feel the same.
She withdrew.
She went out less. Ate less. Cried more. Before she knew it, she was skipping lessons and sleeping more. She was always tired, so low on energy and no one was there to keep her accountable and wake her up for lessons behind the door to her dorm room.
She kept indulging in that pattern, drowning in self-pity and a fatigue she'd never known of. Until one day, she fell asleep and when she woke up, she was surrounded by red and blue lights and her body was placed on a stretcher.
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...
When Chan got the phone call, he was in the middle of getting coffee for his team, trying to make a good impression as the newer much younger staff. He dropped the act all, abandoned work and rushed to the hospital.
When he arrived, her parents, Dustin and Jessica were already at the hospital. Renée's mother crying as she talked to the doctor.
"What happened to her?" He asked Renée's father as soon as he came into view.
"She has some sort of poisoning. There's toxins blocked in her intestines. Doctor says she might have been ingesting it, for months now. They might have to do surgery since they are cluttered in her stomach still."
"Surgery. Is it risky?"
"I don't know. But it's our only option. If she doesn't go through with it, it might be fatal."
"I knew something was off, I saw the way she was during Christmas Eve dinner. She looked so scared, I've never seen her eat well since she came back." Jessica's said with glassy eyes. Dustin comforted her as he pulled her closer to him.
"Do you think she was intentionally poisoning herself?" Dustin asked.
"Renée is responsible, I don't think... Maybe there was something in her food?" Renée's father offered.
Footsteps echoed throughout the hallway, everyone turned to look at the interruption. It was Felix who just made it into the hospital. "I heard the news and I came as soon I heard it, how is she?"
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They stayed overnight during her surgery. They cried and even prayed during the first half of it all. Confused, not knowing much about she ended in this situation. Anxiety terrorised the room.
They ate cheap takeout from the store nextdoor. Feeling drowsy as it approached four a.m. Silence and fatigue took over at a certain point. Until the nurses came out and delivered the news.
The surgery was successful.
The cotton was flushed out of her system and her recovery was already set in motion. They weren't allowed to go in the room yet, as it increased risk of infection. The doctor advised that they go home and get some rest.
They all visited the day after in allocated time slots. Coming in with flowers and get well soon balloons. She was still very low in energy, spoting dark rings under her eyes, with slow movements.
She knew then that her secret was out. That she had a problem. That she was vulnerable and needed help. Her friends were there for her, still. Even after she kept secrets, even when she was lying, hurting herself.
Chan too. Comforting her alongside her friends. Chan truly was her friend, he'll always be.
"I think we have to stop now. The visiting time ends in a few minutes." The nurse chirped, interrupting their comforting presence. Though she did feel tired.
She sighed before saying their goodbyes, her parents leaving kisses on her forehead and left gifts for her to go through during her time here. She was glad no one pressured her to speak about her condition yet, she didn't have the strength to.
Everyone left the room, one by one. Renée called out for Chan, weakly that he almost didn't hear it.
Everyone left, now it was the two of them in the room. This time the awkwardness was gone, all that remained was Chan's worry and Renée's pain.
"I'm sorry." She let out.
"You don't have to apologize Ray. If anything, I should apologize. I'm sorry for not paying enough attention, for being awkward–"
She cut him off with a wave of her hand.
"I started it. I intentionally avoided you. Even after I promised that we'd still be friends. I lied, I did so many things that jeopardized us, and the group."
"I don't want you to take the brunt of the blame. It wasn't all your fault. I was being an asshole."
Renée forced a laugh.
"Can we try it again? Being friends, at least."
"We've always been friends." Chan held her hand.
Renée smiled. That was true.
That was the beginning of the second hardest year of her life.
Recovery.
But at least this time, she'd be around her friends. And Chan, a friend she'd never let go of again.