TW: metions of eating disorders, cotton ball method.
Hyunjin; Renée found; is established. Not in his own right. But he does the most of what has been handed to him.
She could tell from the conversations they had throughout the day. Learning that Hyunjin had always been a bit privileged throughout his life, which Hyunjin acknowledges with a humility she can applaud.
He's financially stable and knowledgable in his on own sphere, mostly about the arts.
He took her to a musuem and explained the artworks in great detail. Their significance and their impact on Spanish culture. Seeing them in a way she had yet to discover. She was still trying to figure out the country and the people in it. They walked around, figuring the place out together.
While Hyunjin was better with the art speak ,Renée was better at directions. They walked and suffered through Spanish language as they asked for directions. They laughed at each other. She thought they were walking aimlessly through the city till he abruptly stopped in front of an apartment.
"This is my apartment. Do you want to check it out?"
"Sure."
They walked in. Renée was mostly glad that they were out of the sun now. But she remembered what she said that day they met. She did promise to follow him home.
"Your apartment is nice. I don't know if it's yours."
"It's just for the time being."
"Accommodation is covered by your agency?"
"No. Not on this job. Having a roommate helps a lot on the rent."
"Are they here, now?"
"Are you worried about the noise?"
"What noise?" Renée tried to fill the silence. It was so heavy, heavy with Hyunjin's want.
Hyunjin kissed her. Renée gasped into it before she pulled away.
"Was that okay?"
Renée gave a small nod before kissing him once more. Her mouth was slow, experimenting with the unfamiliar feeling. Hyunjin responded well with her body, moving at her pace.
Until he began picking up the pace. She knew exactly where this was headed. What he wanted from her. She wanted it too, from him in particular.
His hands breezed through her waist, holding her, pulling her close. His hands were large she noticed again. Much larger than she was used to. His scent was sweet, like cherries or flowers... Like sugary juice on a December summer's day. Very different from the Vanilla scent she was used too.
It felt good but... At the same time... So wrong. The sensations weren't matching the way the supposed to in her head. It was in the small insignificant things— his scent, the texture of his skin, the way he moved against her... It was so unfamiliar. She processed him like a sensory issue.
But it wasn't supposed to feel familiar. She just met him. Her mind wanted to know him, know how his body felt but her body was rejecting him like a foreign organ.
His hand slid up under her shirt, his fingers grazed up her torso, it gave her goosebumps. His lips still on hers. His lips were delicious. She was hungry, so hungry, yet she pulled him away.
Gently, they looked at each other for a few seconds, pants filling the tense silence.
"Is everything okay?" His voice was already hoarse.
"Yes... No. I mean, I want this, I really do... I just..."
"You're uncomfortable."
"No. I just can't get him out of my head."
"Who?"
She looked away and Hyunjin pulled away. Giving her space. "My ex. I'm sorry to dump him like this. I have no etiquette, it must be so rude of me to mention him right now."
"No." He pulled away. "Tell me about it then. It's clearly something you're trying to work through."
"You want me to talk about him?"
He shrugged. "What's bothering you. I'm just trying to understand."
"It's stupid. I just miss him. It's been months Hyunjin. Half a year and I'm still stuck on him. I'm trying to be independent but how can I when I can't even get over my first serious relationship?"
"Did he break-up with you?"
"No. It was a civil thing, we discussed. I was coming here and we decided that it was best to end things. So I don't understand why it feels like I'm doing something wrong that you're touching me."
"Like you're cheating?"
"Yeah."
"How long has it been since you guys–"
"About eight months."
"I understand why you feel that way. I'm guessing you two have been together for a long time so getting over it must be hard. I assure you that you're not doing anything wrong. Moving on is normal, I'm sure he has too. Don't limit yourself for things you held on to in the past, you'll only limit yourself I'm the future."
"You think he's moved on?"
"Don't you think he has?"
Chan is a nice boy. A white knight. There's no way no one hasn't... "I'm not sure. Probably. Maybe my insecurity is coming from the breakup, I'm doubting. What if—"
"That's a very dangerous question you want to ask. You looking back, you're dwelling on the past. Regret can be a very limiting emotion to hold on to. It can negatively affect your performance here."
"I'm not."
"You made the choice right? So why are you looking back?"
"I don't know. I don't want to. I want to be here. No... I mean I want things to get better here."
"Did he let you go?"
"No... I mean... He didn't oppose to me leaving. So in some way..."
"If he wanted you. Then he'd have fought to keep you. Then maybe he'd change your mind on it. Stayed with him."
"You think?"
"You proposed the idea. You knew you needed a change sometimes your gut is wiser than you realise."
"I'm sorry. I feel like I'm having doubts because I've been feeling unfulfilled here."
"Do you not like it here?"
"I do. But it's not what I thought it was." She let out a dry laugh. "I mean I'm constantly around these beautiful talented people. But I don't know, I'm not making any meaningful connections. It difficult..."
"It is. I'm not going to deny that. That's how it is in the beginning. Things that are worth it aren't always going to be easy. It gets so much better, if you stick around long enough, I'd like you to experience just how good it can get."
"I do."
"Then have me. If there's no one else, come to me, alright?"
Hyunjin looked at her intensely. In a way that scared her. In a way that caused a shiver run down her spine. She hadn't felt that way since... Chan. Renée looked away.
"Got it."
"We can just watch a movie or go upstairs. The view is amazing around this time."
"Actually, I'm feeling sick, like throwing up. I think I should really be going home now."
"Is that wise? Leaving when you're not well."
"No. Actually. It's actually embarassing."
"Stomach flu?"
"No... I just over ate last night. I got so hungry and ate till my stomach ached. And I'm still hungry but I feel nauseous. My appetite is fucked."
"You weren't starving yourself, were you?"
"It's not intentional. I don't get much money and I can't spend money on food. My agent doesn't provide... I get busy. I'm trying to stay on the required weight." She babbled. Feeling like a child caught stealing from the cookie jar.
"That's irresponsible. Renée, you know that if you don't put something in your system, you'll get sick. And sick models don't get jobs."
"I know. I'm sorry. I don't know how everybody manages. I've never done anything like this before I promise."
"Are you hungry?"
"Yeah."
"Let me get you something to fill you up, is that okay?"
"Yeah." She nodded.
Hyunjin stood up and left. Renée heard some noise in the kitchen and for the first time in a while, her mouth was watering. She didn't know the last someone prepared her something. He came out with with a bowl and two sets of chop sticks.
Renée's mouth watered. It reminded him of a plate of ramen that Chan made once.
Hyunjin placed the plate in front of her and immediately, she was surprised at the sight in front of her. Confused actually.
No carbs, no vegetables, no meat. Nothing. Just white objects floating in a yellow liquid. Renée wasn't sure if she was familiar with this dish. She didn't want to be rude. And honestly she was so hungry that it looked good enough to eat.
"I prefer to eat these with chopsticks. I hope that you don't have trouble using them?"
"Not at all." She picked up the chopsticks and she peeked at the food questionably. "Are these..."
"Cotton balls. Don't worry they slide easy down your throat once they've soaked."
"I mean why?"
"You're hungry right? These helps with the pain in your stomach. You can't starve yourself and risk an ulcer. Try it, it's better than it sounds."
Renée didn't have any reason not to trust him. Hyunjin cared about her wellbeing. He'd been doing this for years, he knows what to do, right?
She picked up the chopsticks. Hyunjin picked his up. He grabbed a lone floating piece in the water. He brought it to the edge and squeezed the excess water out. Renée watched and copied.
Hyunjin bought it to his lips, before opening it up. Like a snake pouncing on an egg. And swallowed easily. A satisfied smile grew slowly on his face.
Renée followed with some trouble. The unfamiliar taste sat in her mouth. The taste of pineapple juice overtook her taste buds, distracting her from the tastelessness of the cotton ball. No sweetness. No salt. No nutrition. Just cold and fuzz that felt wrong in her mouth.
"Don't chew."
She obeyed. As promised it went easy down her throat. As promised, the dull hunger in her stomach subsided a bit. It felt like a relief. A reason to eat without guilt or restriction.
She tried another. The taste of nothingness soaked in pineapple was addictive. Like a drug. She didn't realise how good nothing could taste. Like a dog eating at the palm of it's abusers hand.
"Good?" Hyunjin.
"It actually helps. I'm just... Do you eat this?"
"Once in a day. No more than two."
"How can you?"
"It's something I was taught. Not as food but during testing times when you really need to keep the weight down. He had a lot of advice that were lifesavers."
"Advice. Like what?"
"The first thing he taught me was that thin tastes better than any food."
"Is it?"
"It's delicious." The blonde laughed as though he was remembering an inside joke.
She wasn't sure why but she got it. If she could keep her job, then maybe thin was the best flavour she would ever taste.
So Renée laughed along. Laughed all night with him.