Word count: 1464
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Okay bad. STOP. Think rationally. You're just making wild guesses in the heat of the moment.
I am not. In love. With skeppy.
Or any man for that matter! I'm straight! Right?
Now that I think about it though, I've never really been interested in girls. But that doesn't mean anything! All that means is that I wasn't an overly hormonal teenager.
And it's not like I've ever been interested in guys either! Just because you can imagine yourself dating a guy doesn't make you gay! I think.
...I hope.
Ok. Maybe it is a little weird. But just because I can imagine it doesn't mean it's real. I've never gotten flustered around guys!
Wait, there was that one guy in Highschool...
His name was M. I was actually decent friends with him. I loved talking to him, loved being around him, loved it when my hand brushed against his..
But I didn't have any feelings towards him did I? I was really lonely in Highschool, I was probably just grateful to have a friend.
I mean, I did have a few weird dreams about him. Like him kissing me and holding my hand and stuff. Okay. That's definitely kinda fruity.
But that was the only time! Or- okay never mind.
There was also this guy I knew in college. He was my roommate, and was majoring in the same field as me.
We were super close, honestly I was almost as close with him then as I am with skeppy now. We would spend hours talking and laughing together, and I felt all the same things towards him as I did towards M.
Looking back, I felt all the things people usually describe as 'being in love'. The butterflies, the sweating, the brain fuzz, all of it. I just never really thought about it from that angle.
I never had that feeling towards girls, so I thought they were just exaggerating. I guess they weren't lying, I'm just..
Gay.
I'm.. gay. I like men. I...
I like skeppy.
Oh no.
No no no no no. I'm in love with my best friend. All those weird feelings make sense now and I.. I don't like it.
Liking boys is fine. Realizing that is honestly a relief. My problem is with the specific boy I like.
How am I supposed to spend 2 weeks with the man I have feelings for? I already know it gets even more intense seeing him in person, seeing how it took me until now to realize, how the heck am I gonna survive 2 whole weeks?
What if he notices? If he does I'm dead. Gone. If he knows a freak like me has feelings for him he'll be disgusted. Even if he wasn't he'd never say yes.
Why would he? I'm not pretty. I'm not smart. I have nothing to offer someone like him. He could never love me.
God, what's wrong with me? Why would I do this to myself? I already know I'm unlovable. It's not like I'm allowed to forget that fact.
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High school was absolute hell. If you didn't fit into the category of kids who were popular, conveniently attractive, white, able-bodied, neurotypical, cishet, and rich, you were treated like a lower person.
Not everyone had it as bad as others, and there were definitely people who had it much, much, worse than me, but I still got a lot of crap sent my way.
Mostly for my appearance and financial position. I didn't exactly win the gene lottery, and my parents never one the actual one.
We weren't particularly poor, but I grew up low middle class, which basically means my parents had next to no wiggle room in terms of money.
The bills were paid, the fridge was at least somewhat stocked, I had clothes, but we never got to splurge on stuff. And boy, did people notice.
It was honestly only exemplified by my appearance. It was the perfect combo to get rumors spread that I was homeless, or that my parents neglected me.
But that was the better stuff. I got stolen from, shoved, laughed at, even punched a few times during my freshman year.
That's why I learned to defend myself like I do now. I figured out how to fight back, and the next time some jerk football player tried to bust my nose open I twisted his arm until he cried.
It never happened again.
But the verbal bullying persisted. I was isolated, ridiculed, humiliated, and more.
The one that always got to me the most was this one girl named Amy. She was exactly what you'd expect when thinking of a typical high school queen bee, think Regina George.
I was her favorite target. She just loved telling me how I was worthless, ugly, stupid, and that no one would ever love me.
She was someone everyone liked, including the teachers. Everyone told me that if she had any criticism, that I should probably listen to her.
I took everything she said to heart, and let her completely break me down. Honestly Amy is one of the biggest reasons i have the issues I do now.
Of course, she's not the only reason, but she is the major example.
And logically, I know what she said isn't true. I know she was just a jerk. But I still can't get over the fear.
The fear that I'm hideous and unlovable. The fear that anyone I ever get attached to will leave because of the way I look.
Think rationally. He was completely fine sitting with me, and he did call me gorgeous.
I mean, he could've just been being nice. And what if it's different if romance gets involved?
What if Skeppy leaves? What if he's so disgusted that someone like me likes him he cuts me off completely?
What if he tells everyone? What if he leaks my face and all my fans unfollow me?
God I'm such an idiot. I shouldn't have agreed to the meetup. I should've just kept him oblivious. Kept myself oblivious.
I never should've let myself see those mesmerizing brown eyes in person.
Tears start escaping my eyes. Great, I'm being a crybaby now too. God, why would I ever let myself be in love when I'm like this?
I can't hear anything over all my sniffles and sobs. Because of that I don't hear my guest walk out of his room to find me sitting on the couch, bawling my eyes out.
"Bad?!"
The newly discovered presence startles me, and I look up.
Skeppy rushes over and sits beside me, panicked.
"Are you ok?"
I can hear the concern in his voice. Knowing he genuinely cares sends my stomach for a loop, only making me cry harder from the guilt and fear it brings.
"Oh, bad.."
The sweet, honey-like tone dripping from his words and the warmth of his embrace has my face on fire as Skeppy gently wraps his arms around me and pushes my head into his shoulder.
Though I still feel that same fear, I accept the embrace.
I cry into his shoulder for god knows how long, until I'm calmed down enough to compose myself. I sit up as he gently pulls back and places his hands on my shoulders.
"Are you alright? What happened?"
I know I have to answer him, if I leave him hanging it'll just leave his worry to linger as he tries to figure out why I was crying.
I inhale, deciding to be at least partially honest.
"I'm alright skeppy, I'm just still a little worried about how things are gonna go."
The look of sadness on his face sends a pang of guilt my way.
"Worried? About what?"
I don't know how to answer. I don't want to worry him by saying too much or too little, so I accidentally end up staying silent.
"You're worried I won't like you or will start to hate you, huh?"
Thank god skeppy knows how to read me so well.
"Yeah.."
"Bad, I promise I don't hate you. I promise I don't think you're ugly."
Hearing that makes me feel a little better, at least in the moment. He relaxes and lets go of my shoulders before speaking again.
"And uh.. like I said earlier, I actually think you're kinda pretty.."
I- oh. He avoids looking into my eyes and is obviously a little nervous about what he just said.
He's so cute when he's acting shy like this. I can feel my face warming up.
"Oh! Uh.. thanks.." is all i muster out. Isn't that the exact same way I responded in the car earlier? I really need to work on keeping calm while flustered.