After dinner we all went back to the hotel together, it was really late so we all split up and made our way to our rooms. I was laying on the bed, thinking about everything that's been happening. I had an internal war going on. One side was fighting for me and Judah to keep up the fairytale bullshit, the other was telling me to stop before I hurt 10 times worse when everything was said and done. The worst part of it, in my opinion, was that both sides made total sense to me at the moment.
I tabled my internal debate as I sat up. I decided that I need to get myself ready for bed instead of worrying about things that I couldn't do much about right now anyway. Even if I came to a decision on which side to listen to, it would have to wait until tomorrow to be applied.
I made my way to the bathroom and started to take off my makeup. I looked down at my neck and ran the cotton pad over my hickeys, revealing their reddish purple color. I found myself smiling at the memory of getting them, and Judah calling it a work of art. After all the makeup was gone, I ran my fingers over them. To think, they'll probably still be there after we say goodbye. The pit in my stomach returned, my chest ached.
I diverted my attention back to getting ready for bed. I washed my face and changed into an oversized shirt. Honestly, I think I stole this shirt from Judah years ago too. I sighed, pushing my hair back into a sloppy bun. I started to realize that everything is going to remind me of him, even after we part ways. On one hand, it was kind of nice to know that I could always feel like I had parts of him with me. But, it mostly just hurt to know that all I'd have of him for a while would be memories and a tee shirt or two.
I laid back on the bed, staring at the ceiling as I thought about how everything went wrong. 'I've said out loud that I regret us getting together, that having him be in my life just as my best friend would be preferable to what's coming in the future. When we got together, I knew that I'd be risking us parting ways. But, I never expected it all to happen so fast. I should have never agreed after finding out I was pregnant. But part of me knew we had already passed the point of no return once we slept together. If there weren't so many feelings involved, maybe we could've gone back to something platonic. Yet here I am, without a single doubt that he's the love of my life.
That shit hurts. To realize that I could have had this for longer, maybe things would've worked out way easier. Neither of us would've been having babies with other people. We would've gotten the hang of being in a relationship together, things would've been great. Why did the timing of everything suck so much dick? We happened too late.
It took 2 weeks for him and I to figure out we had something beautiful, amazing, genuine, and perfectly imperfect. After 9 years, everything changed in 2 weeks. Then after a single month, everything began to crumble. Another month of distance and pain led to this heartbreak. It took barely 2 months to lose the best thing that ever happened to me.
Without a doubt, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Maybe I don't regret it. Maybe I'm just lost in the pain. Regardless, this week with him is such a blessing in disguise. I know it'll hurt when it's over, but for now at least we're making happier memories than the ones we have from the past few weeks. I can't wait for us to meet again after the babies are born and our lives start to feel more normal again. I'm excited for the future, like really far in the future. The near future is terrifying. But I'll ignore that for now.'
I was starting to get tired, so I turned off the lights as I continued running through how I felt. I decided that I was doing the right thing, and I need to stop feeling guilty about it. I no longer cared about what other people thought, and I would be loud and proud about it if I wanted to. I deserved this happiness, no matter how little time we had left. If I wanted it, I was going to have it. I grabbed my phone on a whim, deciding to text Judah. My newfound confidence and certainty took the reins.
Hey, you up?
I am now 👀
I love you.
I love you too
Like completely and totally..
you're my favorite person in
the world. I appreciate you so
much ❤️
Can I come to your room?
You wasted money getting
your own 🙄 see you soon
So I waited for him, after almost 10 minutes the door opened. I almost forgot he had a key. The room was still dark, I left the lights off. "Oou setting the mood already?" He chuckled as the door shut.
"Maybe I just want a cuddle buddy," I laughed. He turned on the light and I shut my eyes tightly, "What the hell?"
"Get over it. I wanna see your beautiful face," He flopped onto the bed, earning another giggle from me as my eyes adjusted.
I smiled at him, turning onto my side. We looked at each other for a minute or so. I just admired his face the whole time until finally I said, "You know, I was thinking about everything. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I said a bunch of hurtful shit back at home. I was super emotional, and I needed you to know that I don't regret anything between us. I wished it worked out differently but I wouldn't take it back. I appreciate you and everything that we had. I'm just very sad that it's gonna be over soon, I was mad that it felt like I lost my best friend. But, I hope you know that you have a spot in my heart forever. No matter what happens."
He smiled, "I love you, and I know. You didn't have to say it out loud, but I'm glad you did. The feeling is mutual, I'll always love you too babe." I laid my head down, still smiling at him. 'He called me babe, I missed that.' I took advantage of the view, letting my eyes do as they pleased. He spoke again after a few minutes had passed, "I'm sorry too, Ky. You deserved better than what we had. Don't let this hold you back, okay? Live your life, whatever happens happens. I'd love to pretend like you're mine and only mine for the rest of our lives, but it's just not the case. I can't expect you to wait around until we're both ready to try again. If you find yourself ready and I'm not there yet, move on. Be happy. Okay?"
I rolled my eyes, clearly I wasn't going to do that. But, for the sake of this conversation and his own comfort in 'letting me go' I agreed to his terms, "Okay, deal. But, the same goes for you."
"I'm sure that nothing is going to change. You set a high bar, love," His smirk was adorable.
I rolled my eyes again, smiling, "Just, have an open mind at least. If you expect it from me, you gotta practice what you preach."
"No one could compare to you. But I guess keeping my eyes open wouldn't hurt," He laughed. Part of me selfishly wished he kept denying it, but who knows maybe he and I were on the exact same page.
After changing the topic and almost an hour of shameless flirting we ended up getting hot and heavy. It wasn't surprising. The night was another perfect page from our fairytale book. He fell asleep before me, which also didn't surprise me. I was laying beside him and running my fingers through his hair for a while. I admired him until I got tired enough to go to sleep.
~
I woke up to Judah moving around in the bed. I rubbed my eyes and sat up. I looked over to find the bed empty, I furrowed my eyebrows and looked around the room drowsily. I heard Judah in the bathroom and my expression relaxed. So, I laid back on the bed.
I must have fallen back asleep for a bit, I opened my eyes to see Judah laying in the bed next to me. He smiled as he laid on his side, looking at me. I smiled and turned my face into the pillow shyly before peeking at him again. "Morning," He said, his voice soft.
"Why are you staring at me?" I giggled as I looked at him. He already put on some clothes, whereas I was still naked. He pushed some hair from my face that fell.
"Because you're beautiful," He replied as if it were obvious.
I covered my smile with the sheet, "Stop."
"Nah, I'm good. I get to do what I want until we get off that plane," He smirked.
I rolled my eyes, the mention of things being over soon got rid of my giddy attitude. I raised an eyebrow at him, "Whatever you want, huh?"
He inhaled sharply, "I was just trying to be cute, Ky. If you want some dick you could just say that."
My smile took over my entire face, "You're always cute."
He leaned towards me, planting a small kiss on my nose, "You're cuter."
It almost felt like my heart broke at that very moment. 'Why couldn't we have been like this the whole time? Why did things have to get bad? Why couldn't I ride out the bad? The good is so good. Why did it ever stop?' I forced a smile before sitting up. I swung my legs off of the bed, doing my best to ignore my thoughts.
"You okay?" He asked. My back was still turned to him.
I nodded as I grabbed the shirt I was wearing last night off of the floor and threw it on, "Yeah," I stood up and walked to the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. 'Damn it, Kyleigh. Why do you have to ruin everything? You overthink every little thing. You can't just be happy, ever, can you? What is your problem?' I mentally scolded myself in the 3rd person. I hated that I wasn't able to just put this part of myself into a deep dark corner, not to be seen until this week was over. The truth was, I was happy. I was unbelievably happy. But I was still hurt too.
I sat on the toilet, the lid was closed. I just tried to calm myself down, the feelings were all threatening to push through the barrier I had up. I shut my eyes tightly, shoving them back to where they belonged. I took a few deep breaths, reclaiming my composure. I stood up and walked to the mirror to see my reflection, both sides of my neck were covered now. You couldn't really see my skin at all. I chuckled at how slutty I looked, I never looked this bad even at my whoriest of phases. I actually went to the bathroom and did my morning routine before I walked back into the room.
Judah smiled softly as I made my way to the bed. I sat next to him, leaning my back against the headboard. "You know, I always love it when you wear that shirt," He said out of the blue.
"Yeah?" I laughed softly, looking down at his 'cookies' shirt. It was worn out and old now, I wore it to death over the years.
"Yeah, you took it the year I graduated high school. I left it at your guys' house, and I saw you wearing it at school a few weeks later. It made me so happy to see it on you, I didn't know if you knew it was mine or not. I never wanted to tell you, just in case you didn't know."
"I knew. I love this shirt, almost more than I love you," I joked.
He laughed, "I believe it." I rolled my eyes, smiling. I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything at all. Eventually he said, "You know you can talk to me right? The whole fairytale thing, it's mostly a joke."
I nodded, unwilling to talk about my struggles. I faked a smile, "I know."
"Ky, I've known you for too long. I know when something is up. I haven't been wanting to pry because I wanna respect the boundaries you've been setting, at least a little bit. But, I hate seeing you pretend."
I gulped, "I don't know if I wanna talk about it," I admitted.
"If you really don't want to, it's fine. But, I'm here and I do want to listen. Even if it's about me," He said in a reassuring tone, "I'm not me. I can be your therapist, unbiased."
I smiled genuinely at the 'unbiased therapist' comment. I sighed and decided to tell him how my mind has been racing around in circles, "I just have a hard time putting the hurt feelings to the side. When things are really good between us, I can't help wondering why things ever had to get bad in the first place. I get mad at myself for not fighting for us harder, for not sticking it out through the bad shit. The good is unbelievably good, and it makes me so sad to know that we got so bad at one point that I legit called it quits. Then I remember how that felt, and I can't keep myself from going through everything mentally all over again. I realize how stupid it is for us to be doing this, but I want to just pretend that nothing bad ever happened or ever will again. It's naïve as hell."
I paused before continuing on, "Everything is just a lot. I want you, I need this. But, mentally I'm a fucking mess. Like, the shit about my parents, I didn't even realize how I felt until then. My emotions are just everywhere, doing entirely too much. I don't know, babe. I hate that I feel all these things, so I shove them back and pretend those parts don't exist for now. But every time I take a hard look at myself, I feel guilty all over again. Like, why am I doing this to myself? Yet at the end of the day, I just want to be ignorant to all of it and love you just a little harder for a little longer."
He didn't reply right away. I wasn't sure if he didn't know what to say, or if he wanted to make sure I was finished. After a minute or two passed he finally said, "I'm so sorry. I've been selfish as hell. I didn't realize what this was doing to you. I didn't realize how bad you were hurting. I had no clue just how much of an idiot I really am, how bad my actions hurt you. I'm an actual dickhead, literal trash-"
"Hey, unbiased," I reminded him, "It's not your fault-"
"Fuck that, yes it is. Stop trying to make me feel better. I deserve to feel bad. This is your family's vacation. I'm ruining it for you. I hate that I seem to just hurt you left and right. I shouldn't have said the shit about your parents, it was stupid. I-"
I cut him off, trying to deescalate the situation, "You didn't know. I didn't even know. It's fine-"
He was gone, replaced with a man that couldn't be reasoned with. He stood up and started to pace and talk with his hands, "It's not fine, Ky. Stop cutting me so much slack. I'm an ass. I knew we were over, yet I still came. I had-"
"I told you to come! This is your family too. I cut you slack because you're always so hard on yourself. It's not like you broke my heart consciously-"
His voice wavered, "Broke your heart? Fuck me. I'm a piece of shit. I hate myself right now. Why do you always play shit off like it's not as big as it is? I am an idiot, be blunt with me. I shouldn't have come. I should've realized how bad it was for you to want me to move out. I'm fucking dense. I still thought I had a chance to fix shit. I hurt you, I continue to hurt you. I'm fucking toxic, this is toxic as fuck. Damn it, Ky. I'm so selfish, why do you let me-"
"I want to be selfish too! I wanted you to come! Stop being so hard on yourself right now. Please, I was just venting. I don't want you to feel like this. Calm down, please. I decided this was what I wanted-"
He cut me off again, "I was being a manipulative piece of shit, Ky. How do you not see that? You told me what you wanted over and over and I kept ignoring you. I ignored everything until it turned into things I wanted to hear. You deserve better. You deserve to be able to have this family trip without being reminded of all the pain I've caused you and now continue to cause. You deserve-"
"Shut up! Shut the hell up about what I deserve! You're a damn hypocrite! I want you. I don't want anything else. Even if you did manipulate me, I'm fucking happy about it. I don't tell you these things because you always do too damn much! Fuck, Judah! You pick and pry, but you can't fucking handle it! I was doing just fine! I want what we have going on right now. I don't care that it's toxic. Let it fucking be. This wouldn't even feel like a family trip if you weren't here-"
"Ky, this is your family. Not mine. Maybe one day, I'll have the honor of being a part of it. But until then, I need to have some boundaries. You need to stop making excuses for me, for us. I want to do this right, this is not right. This is so wrong, I hate knowing how I've made you feel. I don't know if I can give you what you think you want right now. You shouldn't feel like you needed to fight harder for us, I was hurting you. You were right to step back when you did, I wish you wouldn't have given me so much hope and held back. You should've made me feel that same hurt, Ky. You aren't fine. You're happy about being manipulated?" He laughed dryly, "What the fuck is my problem? I'm a piece of shit."
"Stop," My eyes were watering, "Judah, I love you. Just stop overthinking for a second. I need you to calm down."
"I can't Ky. How do you let me do this shit? How did I not notice? How do I do this shit to you?" He shook his head, refusing to look at me, "I can't just-
"Stop."
"Ky I'm so-"
"Stop!" I yelled much louder. He looked at me, tears ran down my cheeks. His expression softened immediately.
"I did it again," He seemed much more calm than before.
"Talking shit about the man I love is worse than talking shit about me," I said strongly, repeating his words from the night he made me realize I needed to love myself more.
He took a few steps over to the bed and sat down, "I'm sorry, Ky. I just hate that you feel this way, I didn't mean to lose it like that. I want what's best for you, honest. I'm so sorry, I'm just so mad at myself-"
"Please, just stop," My breath hitched, I shut my eyes tightly and turned away from him, "This is exactly why I didn't want to talk about it."
His arms wrapped around me from behind and I let the emotions flow. I hugged his arms into me tighter, sobbing softly. He sighed and pulled me close into his chest, "I'm so sorry, Ky. I just want to be everything for you. I hate that I gave you less than-"
"Me too! I hate it! I hate all of it! I wanted all of it to stay perfect forever! Is that what you want to hear?" I let go and ripped his arms off of me, "I said yes because I trusted you to give me everything you said! I needed that! I needed you! I didn't know that life was going to screw us! But do you know what? I took that risk because I love you! You had too much going on, you couldn't handle it! Just like you can't handle how I feel right now! You ignored me! You broke my heart! You pretend like you can be some perfect guy, and the truth is you never were! You never can be! You need to get over it!"
I didn't have the energy to yell at him anymore, but I wasn't done talking, "I realize that things didn't go as we both wanted. Okay? You fucked up. But so did I. Get over it. We're both pieces of shit. It's part of the reason why we deserve each other. You're right we are fucking toxic sometimes. But what's new? Get the fuck over it. You ignored everything I said, you wanted to be selfish. But what changed? You saw me upset and finally noticed it was because of you? How do you have the fucking audacity to act like you can't give me what I want now that I actually want this? You just like the idea of the chase because its all you fucking know. You want to act like you didn't know how bad I was hurting, but it's like you said you've known me for too long. You know when something is up. Right, Judah? Why didn't you notice before? Huh? Why are we here? Why weren't you absolutely perfect? Why do you continue to hurt me? Why-"
"Ky," He interrupted me. I finally stopped talking, hoping he got the hint. We sat in silence for a while, the tension was thick as hell.
"Is that what you wanted? You wanted to fight, right? You wanted me to make you feel bad?" I looked at him. His face, he was broken. I regretted everything instantly.
"I'm sorry, Ky," He didn't say anything else this time.
"Don't be. I knew what I was doing every step of the way. Don't burden yourself," I replied. I watched his jaw clench, but he didn't speak. I turned my back to him again, "I hold nothing against you. I only said those things because you weren't going to shut up any other way."
He still said nothing. I stood up and went into the bathroom, deciding to take a shower. I wasn't sure how the day would proceed. But, I needed to wash off everything that just happened. I took a long shower, I tried to keep myself as mindless as possible. When I came out of the bathroom, Judah was still there. I was surprised to see that he hadn't moved much at all. I grabbed another dress out of my bag and got changed in the bathroom. I left the door open in case he said something, but he didn't. 'Shit, I broke him.' I brushed my hair and kept glancing at him, waiting for him to say anything.
I did my makeup, I kept it simple. It only took 5 minutes to finish my everyday look. I looked at my neck, realizing I had a 10 minute project ahead of me. I smiled at the sight of them, memories flooding back. I laughed softly, turning around to look at Judah. He was still sitting blankly.
I stood up and walked over to him, "I'm ready for the day. I decided to rock your masterpiece. What do you think?" He finally looked up at me, I immediately struck a pose. My attempt to cheer him up only worked for half a second. His smile flickered just slightly. I sighed and sat next to him, "Did you know I actually love hickeys. I hide them for the comfort of others."
He looked at me, "I did."
"I thought so. You know me well," I bumped my shoulder into his.
He smiled softly again, "I love you, Ky."
"I love you too, babe."
His smile was so sad. He put his hand on my cheek and leaned in, kissing me sweetly with passion. I tried to deepen the kiss but he pulled back, kissing me softly again. He clearly wanted to keep it tame, so I obeyed. We kissed innocently for a minute or two before he pulled away. I smiled at him, but the smile he returned to me was still one of sadness. He stood up and reached his arms out to me. I stood up and he hugged me tightly. I hugged him back without question. I took a big whiff, immersing myself in his scent. The hug was long and much needed. Once he pulled away, he kissed me again. He let this kiss do what it pleased, it was still relatively tame. But, I sucked on his bottom lip a bit. He seemed to stop the kiss almost right after that.
He took a step back, "I think I'd better go." I nodded, understanding why. "I love you, Ky. So fucking much. Okay? I promise I'll do right by you. I'm sorry for everything," He paused and smiled, "I'll see you when I see you."
He left one last peck on my lips before he turned around, I took a step towards him and grabbed his hand, "I love you too. Okay? Don't forget that. Go easy on yourself, please." But he didn't reply. I let go of his hand and he opened the door, leaving without another word. I sighed, understanding he probably needed space. I can't be mad at it either, it is what it is.