"I don't know, Vic. This is not our problem."
"Not our problem, my ass."
The Knights voices awake you from a slumber so deep you can feel your body moulding into the mattress.
"We should do something, at least."
You keep your eyes closed, wanting to savour the coma you've been pulled from.
"Do something? Do what, exactly?"
With your cheek against the pillow, you wonder how long you slept for. It genuinely feels like days. Your shoulder feels sore from laying on your side and your lips are chapped.
"I don't know, I-"
You want to stretch and get a drink and brush your teeth but you're just too curious about what the Knights are like without your presence.
"Sit the fuck down and listen to me."
Mm, violence. You could've guessed that one.
Sounds like Vicrul, Cardo and Ap'lek are fighting for dominance. You're too sleepy to tell exactly who's who and what they're talking about.
"She's been out for too long, and she'll need food and water soon. Those are the facts."
"We have bigger problems than thi-"
"No." Vicruls calm tone is so easy to settle the others. "No, it is not logical to ignore her."
"Logical." A huff follows. "Nothing about going near her is logical. Especially when Ren's like this."
Oh. So, this is about Kylo.
How long could it have possibly been? It's strange, you don't remember falling asleep.
"He'd be much worse if she were to be neglected."
"It's his fucking fau-"
"Do not finish that sentence unless you would like a swift punishment."
The room goes silent.
"I apologise."
You peek an eye open, only to see that you're facing the window. The snow seems to be fluttering harder than usual, swirling in raging whirls of wind.
You shut your eyes again, trying to swallow but your throat is too dry.
"Do whatever you'd like. I'm getting a drip and a nurse if this is going to continue." Ap'lek seems closer to you now as he explains his plan.
You open your eyes and turn.
He is stood at your side. As you rub your eyes, you go to speak. Your throat croaks. His brows furrow, and he murmurs something under his breath before heading past the bed and into the kitchen.
You follow him with your eyes. You were right, it is Vicrul and Cardo that are stood opposite each other beside the bed. They're both looking at you now, serious frowns etched into their expressions.
You look down at yourself, moving to sit up properly. You're wearing different clothes than you remember. Strange.
Ap'lek returns with a glass of water. You take it, sending him a grateful look and gulping as much of the water down as you can stomach. When you're done, you place it next to the bed and clear your throat.
"What's going on?" You ask weakly, and Vicrul steps toward you.
"Ren sent you to sleep roughly 24 hours ago. There were attempts to wake you, but, none were successful."
"Sent me to sleep?" A nod. "He left me without water?" Another nod.
You run your fingers along your forehead, soothing your headache with a soft massaging touch.
You cannot ask the knights why he did such a thing. You know why. Punishment. You invaded his private memories and now you're paying the price.
"Where is he now?"
Ap'lek shifts on his feet, not wanting to answer. You look at Vicrul.
"If I knew, I'd tell you." He says honestly, his hands resting in his pockets so casually. Not a care in the world. You envy him.
"Fine." You pull yourself out of bed, leaving the smooth cream sheets and the comfort of the mattress. The second you're on your feet, white blinding light cascades over your vision and your head rushes with blood. Your legs give out, the faint feeling overwhelming your body as you collapse to the floor.
You swear under your breath, using your palms to steady yourself on the ground as you wait for your eyes to work again. You should have expected to faint if you've been in bed with no food or water for so long.
Ap'lek is pulling you back upright before you can even ask for help - not that you think you would have. You shoo him away when you're finally stood, and brush past the three of them.
In the kitchen, you grab some food from the fridge and sit at the island to eat in solitude. Three bites in, you glance at the knights. They are eyeing you carefully, apprehensive to speak to you.
You realise then that you're buzzing with the Forces energy, something is radiating from you, an almost physical aura surrounding you. A deep, dark swirling blackness soothes your anxiety as you eat - your energy returning. You'd slipped up, regaining strength meant your power had been let loose slightly. Your chest tightens. You didn't realise you had all of this pent up inside of you.
"Shit." You breathe, eyeing your hands with bewilderment. You pull it all inside, whatever unexplainable force that had surrounded you morphs back into your skin - the buzzing of energy calming. You tap the walls of your mind and ensure you are protected.
"What...?" Cardo starts.
Vicrul lets out a bark of a laugh, and strides to leave the room without his friends, shaking his head in disbelief. You frown at him, looking back at Cardo who snaps out of his perplexed look and follows Vic like the good little soldier he is. Ap'lek hangs back, his pensive eyes trained on you.
"Aren't you going with them?" You ask, returning to you food as you listen to the door close.
"No. I'd like to make sure you're okay."
You can sense him approaching you, but you're much more interested in discovering Ren's whereabouts. You push your food away, and focus on the connecting air in the Force. The buzzing energy seems to drag your mind through the hallways as you feel your way around.
Just as your mind snags on a particular energy, magnetic and heavy, Ap'lek pulls you out.
"Don't do that." He says with his hand on your arm. "Ren is avoiding you. I'm not sure what you did, but things have been particularly rough since he returned."
You shove your face into your hand, "How do you know I did something?"
You want to groan. Now that the Force is not soothing you, your limbs and bones are aching and your head still hurts.
"The first thing he did was put you down." You take your face out of your hand to see as Ap'lek grabs your food and puts the rest in the refrigerator, before turning and resting his hands on the island counter.
"He dragged..." He stopped, looking disheveled for a moment, "He put you in here and made a point to ensure we knew you'd fucked up."
You swallow. Dragged? Like, literally? Made a point? What... did he do?
"We had orders to stay away, but Ushar has been on my ass about dehydration for the last 10 hours. Said he couldn't get anything done not knowing when you'd wake." You open your mouth to speak, but Ap'lek gets there first. "He's busy right now, but I knew he was right. That's why we're here."
"I didn't think you cared." You shrug slightly, biting your lip. You really don't want to cry in front of him, but all of this information is making you feel so hurt. After all of this, you truly just want to talk to Kylo. He was so terrified of opening up that he's been avoiding you.
What is true with him? When he told you he treated you nicely on occasion as incentive... was that true? Or is Kylo just the hardened mask of Ben? Are you hoping for a person who is long gone? You haven't seen much evidence he is still in there. How could you know if Kylo's niceties were manipulation or his true self?
"I think... I think you're one of us far more than the others would like to admit." Ap'lek's face is screwed into a frown, one you've never seen on him before. Thoughtful, but unsure.
Is that what you want? To be one of them? You want to be treated like one of them. You want to be respected like one of them.
You want the security. The power. You never had that with your father. You never had that with LJ. Kylo is offering you a mutually beneficial relationship in which you are certain these powers will grow. You seem to have all this energy and no idea how to use it. The longer you spend here, surrounded by the people, the dark side seems to be fuelling you. Hidden. You discover it when you least expect it, like earlier.
It had been building within you without detection. Suddenly, every memory of your father is tainted with distain. He lead you into dangerous situations. Because of his addictions and desire for money, you'd been groped, you'd been leered at, you'd had to do dealings with sexists and murderous. You'd... you'd had things go wrong. Someone had died. You had to leave. He's alone now. Where you used to blame yourself, you blame him. And the more you do so, the better, clearer, and more powerful you feel.
Kylo had used you too. Baited you. Confused you. Fucked you, then ignored you. Been so absent, yet promised so much better. Every time, you believed him. Every time, he proved you wrong.
Ap'lek says your name, pulling you from your thoughts.
You're buzzing again.
You pull the power back into yourself, and breathe slowly. You can't deal with this right now. You shut down your connection with the Force, to the best of your ability. You feel blind after you do it, like everything has gone quiet.
"Do you mind if I ask..."
You cut him off, "I'm not sure how to control all this... stuff."
"This isn't common." Ap'lek shakes his head. "I've never seen anything like it."
"Neither have I." Kylo speaks, dominance radiating through the room from behind you. Something switches inside of your mind, the Force flooding back as if to protect you. You shouldn't have shoved it away, you didn't sense Ren's arrival.
You don't bother to turn around. You send Ap'lek a look to tell him he'd better go, and he complies right away.
When Ap'lek is out of the room, you slide from your chair and face him, holding your elbows for comfort.
Kylo removes his mask, placing it where it goes by the door, and watching you with the amount of intensity you'd expected. He seems to radiate masculinity.
"When did you plan on giving me water?" You grit your teeth, trying to ignore the rage and turmoil from within, begging to be let free. "Or, was that the point? Let me die quietly, so that you didn't have to face it?"
Kylo's raven hair falls perfectly around his face. His features harden as you speak, his unforgiving apathy hitting you harder than you wish it would.
"Forgive me." He says, after a few seconds that felt uncomfortably like days. Your heart jolts. It is not an apology, no. More of an order. But, for Kylo? Was... he apologising? Your throat tightens and your jaw unclenches.
"What?" Your voice breaks, and you want to smack yourself as it does.
Kylo speaks lowly, his eyes hooded and his expression serious. "Forgive me."
You take a moment.
"Do you value my life?" You swallow. "And don't give me that bullshit about me having value. I am a person. Do you value me, as a person."
Kylo refrains to answer. He walks toward you, slowly, but surely. The darkness in his eyes pulls you toward him by a step.
When he reaches you, his hands are on your face. Both of them. Cupping your cheeks. You search his eyes for emotion, but they are blank and hard.
"You are more of a person to me than anyone I have ever cared for." His expression remains neutral. You rake over his words. He means Luke, you can feel it. The care they shared, and the trust broken between them. Is he saying he trusts you? You feel a croak, or a sob, forming. Is this Ben? Is this Kylo? Are they the same person?
"I didn't mean to see what I saw," you finally explain, subconsciously stepping toward him. His large hands fall, his thumbs at your jaw and his fingers cupping your head around the back of your neck.
He frowns, voice lowering. "I didn't mean to show you."
"I'm glad that you did," you blurt, pushing the boundaries further, knowing you'd never say any of this before. But now, with this newfound confidence, and the changed air...
"Don't." Kylo's face darkens. "Don't do that." His low, gravely voice is protected, it has an edge to it that makes you sad.
"Do what?" Your invasive questions scare him away, and he drops his hands to walk away from you. You continue regardless, eager to break through to him emotionally. "Have you ever talked about it?"
"No." He growls, pacing in the other direction - away from you.
"Would you like to?" You say apprehensively, knowing that you are likely to be shut down, yelled at, or even physically hurt at such a suggestion.
Kylo turns to face you, but there is a long pause. "Not... not yet."
He shuts his eyes, breathing deeply. He's so... powerful. Watching him do something so human as breathing, as taking a moment to himself... it feels so intimate.
When his eyes open, his jaw is taut, his shoulders tense, his eyes murderous. The Force is shouting and buzzing, the magnetic pull dancing around him, avoiding him yet inside of him all at once.
"Kylo?"
You flinch, realising your mistake. He hates that.
Only, his eyes soften at the use of his name. Your breathing continues.
"I'm so sorry that you went through that." You're having to push the words out. This is so nerve wracking you can feel your shaking arms under your hands. "I felt it. All of it." You hate remembering that horrid, sharp, twisted feeling, but it's necessary. "I'm sorry, and I... I'm here for you."
The last part hurts. It's all you've ever wanted to hear. It's everything you've ever yearned for. And despite the fact you're terrified to say it, the chance that it could help him - regardless of how horrible he can be - it brings you bittersweet satisfaction.
"Do not," Kylo steps forward in a threatening response, "lie to me."
"Lie?" You choke on the word, all the emotions of having to say such intense things, putting yourself out there for someone who has hurt you so badly... it wrings your neck with panic.
"This has gone on for long enough." Kylo states this with enough determination that you know the conversation is over.
You'd barely received an apology for his neglect. But you felt you'd made progress, so you allow your frustrations to fade.
Kylo must have seen your deflated look, because he softens his tone, "come with me."
He waits for you to approach him, holding his hand out toward you. The sight nearly sends you to your knees. You two do not hold hands.
You take his hand, revelling in how small your fingers look entwined with his. His hold is secure, without doubt, as he leads you to the bathroom.
Instead of the shower, which you'd expected, he lets go of your hand to run the large bath you have not yet sat in. It is built into the bathroom, candles surrounding it on the platform beside that look as if they have never been lit.
"Candles," you utter, though it comes as more of a question.
Kylo glances back at you, and you take a moment to look at his side profile. Such strong bone structure. Such elegance. His pure agility despite his size astounds you. You watch unblinkingly as he runs his hand over the candles, and they light themselves out of thin air.
"How..?" You gape, lifting a hand as if to try it yourself. The corners of Kylo's mouth seem to lift subtly at your amazement.
Kylo presses something on a data-pad on the wall, and bubbles begin to form on the surface of the water that has risen significantly. He returns to you, his fingers lacing themselves through your hair as he takes your head in his grasp once more.
You look up at him in an entirely altered light. Sure, he hadn't truly opened up to you. And the things he had shared weren't on purpose. But this trust he seemed to be giving you is... special.
You follow the line of his brow, less furrowed in the heat of the bathroom and closeness of your bodies. You look upon his thoughtful expression, his eyes swirling with some unfamiliar entity. Your heart feels strained at the thought of betraying him. You'd be proving him right about the dark side, and giving in to anger and negativity. Right now, that's the last thing you want to do.
You can't hold yourself back, you bury your face in his chest and wrap your arms around his strong torso. His hard body is rigid with tension, but his arms follow suit, encasing you in such a large hug that butterflies swell in your chest as he cradles your head into his body. The smell of whiskey is drowning, the undertones of pine force you to breathe deeply - trying to take it all in. Leather and heat. Dark and light. You want it all in this moment. You can feel your cheeks heat with blush.
"Who is the bath for?" Your words are mumbled by Kylo's clothing, and you consider leaving your cocoon to repeat yourself until he responds.
"Who would you like it to be for?"
You groan at his non response. You want to know what he wants. But a little part of you is squealing at the thought of him running a bath for you even if you didn't want him to join. This is your decision.
"You." You say, without thinking. He probably never relaxes in a bath. He's always so tense and working so hard. "Us." You correct, un-nestling your face to look up at him.
Kylo is staring at the door behind you with a distant look on his face. "Mm."
You try to contain your longing when he peels away to turn off the tap. You admire the scene, the candlelight, the bubbles.
You pull your clothes off, and when his eyes meet your nude body you watch his pupils expand. He lets out a small groan, his hands finding your hips, your waist, your breasts.
You let your smile free. "Come on." You step over the edge and climb in to the water. The temperature is perfectly hot, the bubbles and water relaxing your skin and muscles as you sink under the waterline.
Now settled in the bath, you sit with your knees up, the water coming up to your chest. You watch Kylo strip unashamedly, and cannot contain the blush that heats your face once again at his large erection.
You expect him to sit opposite you. Instead, he taps your back, asking you to scoot forward. You oblige, and he settles behind you, with you nestled in between his legs. He pulls your back to his chest instantly, and you melt into the feeling of him behind you, his head above yours and his penis touching your back.
You want to giggle at the sight of his feet next to yours. You place them on top of his and wiggle your toes.
"You know what they say about big feet?" You joke calmly, a grin spreading across your face. It certainly is true in Kylo's case.
A rumble erupts from behind you as he chuckles softly, "big, huh?"
"Are you kidding?" You laugh, letting your finger trail over his knees, the hair on his legs, his skin.
Kylo's lips kiss against your ear through your hair, and in a half mumble he says, "Me? Never."
"Thought so." You sigh, turning your head to let him kiss you properly. His lips trap yours in a locking kiss you never wish to end. The intimacy of his touch, his hand reaches to cup the side of your face, the smooth meticulous strokes of his tongue, the nibble of your lip as he lets you free... it's all perfect.
"I have something I've been meaning to ask you." Your anxiety creeps up on you as you consider your question.
"Anything." Kylo replies so casually in that low voice of his, not knowing that such a response had spread warmth through your heart and straight to your soul. You're embarrassed now, but your curiosity gets the better of you. "Though, I cannot guarantee an answer." He adds, truthfully.
"Are you..." You falter, then try again. "Did..." Fuck. Just shove it out. "In your closet I found these things..."
"Ah." He says, and when you turn to gauge his reaction, he's amused.
"Well?"
"We all have our vices." Kylo grabs a sponge nearby, and begins to douse it in soap before he spreads the suds along your arm. The feeling is exhilarating and calming all at once.
"You don't use any of it with me." You lean forward slightly, and Kylo drags the sponge over your back soft, and careful.
"Would you like me to?" Kylo pauses his motions, capturing your chin for a moment and pulling your eyes to his. The sincerity in his expression almost scares you.
"I..." You'd do whatever he wanted. "I think so. Why haven't you?"
He thinks about this for a long while, tucking your hair behind your ear, then the other side, and finally placing a kiss on your temple.
"Some things are most beautiful in their purest form."