ELIZA
Sometimes I'm scared I'll forget. Forget the three creases by the side of his eye. Forget how his ears moved up when he smiled. Forget how how he used to call my name.
Ellie.
You know, just forget everything.
And eventually I'll be holding onto figments of my imagination, the loose ends of those memories we shared. I'm scared I won't be able to tell apart what my mind has made up in my grief and what I really had with my dad.
I like to keep my head empty, void of thoughts and reminders. And the darkness helped. The low light that seeps through my curtains allows me to only see outlines of the shapes in my room, I don't have to look at anything and go through the agony of having to remember what stories they held.
The darkness helped.
It was warm, yet cold. It's smile was alluring yet it scared me. It was everything I needed, a constant yet an uncertainty.
I can laugh at the luck I posses with no watchful eyes, telling me I'm insane. I know I am.
I can blame without feeling like I should feel guilt, even if most of that blame is directed towards myself.
I can forget the joys today had offered, and writhe in my own sorrow. Without ever shedding a tear. Not one.
The darkness in my room became my comfort.
-
I couldn't believe what was happening, my arms grew more tired with every pound, and my voice hoarse with every plea for help. No one had heard me. No one came to help me. And I found myself alone with darkness once again.
I glance down to my phone noticing the torch had turned off.
"No. No, please don't be dead." I plead quietly whilst aggressively trying to turn my phone on. Eventually, I stop and return to yelling in the silence.
I'm not sure how long I kept going, before I decided to give up. It became clear that no one was coming to help, so I had to wait. My knees give away, and I slide down to the frigid floor, and draw my knees to my chest. There was something knocking in my head, over and over and over again. With every bang came a ripple of pain, intensifying with every round. I reach for my bag, and dry swallow the last two painkillers that remained. Hoping, wishing, praying that someone will find me before I become a prey to my own mind in this abyss.
Even though I couldn't see much, the world around me started to blend, mixing whatever dull colours were visible to me. The meds were not doing their job - not fast enough at least. The roaring burn in my mind did not intensify, perhaps because it had reached its peak already, but it did not decrease either. Slowly, the breath I inhaled started to become useless, decreasing the volume of oxygen that was reaching my lungs. They progressively became short and laboured, making each breath I took louder with every draw.
I was no longer aware of my surroundings, where I was, how I got here, how long I've been here, these questions had run laps around my head before it became all one mangled mess. Louder and louder they grew, asking me if anyone was going to come, if anyone was going to help me, if anyone even cared at all.
And amongst all of these taunting questions, only one certain answer was projected.
I want to leave.
I need to leave.
I move the hands that were gipping my hair, down to my ears.
My racing heart blocked out all the sounds around me - although it wouldn't have taken much effort to block this silence. Perhaps that was why I didn't notice the doors finally opening, nor the footsteps that approached me in a rushed manner. I could feel someone dragging my arms away from my ears, opening them up to the comfort of a deep voice.
"Hey, hey it's ok." They said. "I'm here."
And although I wasn't sure who had come to help me, I knew they were safe. If they weren't why would they be here? Why, among all the chaos in my head would I feel a twinge of relief?
"Hey, look at me." His voice gentle.
My eyes slowly bring themselves up, "It hurts," I whisper, "Zayn, it really fucking hurts."
His hand strokes my head, "What hurts Izzy?"
"My head, it feels like someone's banging it against the wall."
"Ok, we can get help, can you stand up?" His eyes dart between mine.
"I- I don't think so, I feel so weak, m-my muscles are so weak." I reply, suddenly aware of how I became unable to move from this seated position.
"That's alright," He leaves me, shuffling to my bag, and slings it on himself, "Is it ok if I carry you out?"
I nod, not bothered to give a verbal reply, I just wanted to get out.
His arms wrap behind my knees and across my back, heaving me up from the floor. As he progresses down the hallway, and closer towards the exit, my head rolls to his chest, feeling too heavy to be supported by my neck. I could hear his heart hammering with tension.
"How do you always manage to save me when shit like this happens?" I mumble.
I wasn't sure if he heard me, but he looks down for a split second, his teeth clenched and his eyebrows creasing in the middle. He didn't look angry, no, it was something closer to guilt. Perhaps because it was his brother that was the root cause of this.
It feels like a few moments trickle by before I see him approach Elijah's car, but I could be wrong, it may have taken a while, my mind was not focused on that, or anything really.
"Izzy!"
"What's wrong with her!"
I could hear both of my brothers interrogate Zayn, their muffled voices sounded heated and viscous. I open my eyes once more, and my surroundings resembled the interior of Elijah's car.
When did we get in?
"Eliza! Don't close your eyes!"
I could hear someone demanding me to keep my eyes open, and I tried, I really did, but the lull of the darkness was more powerful, and the urge to succumb became impossible to resist.
-
My vision was bleary and distorted, the light above me was bright. I blink a few times before I sit up. Pale curtains surrounded me, and the clean smell of disinfectant filled my nose. I was at hospital.
"Izzy! Are you ok?" My head turns to face Ezra, who doesn't wait for me to reply before pulling me into a hug. I scrunch my nose in disgust. He definitely hadn't showed after practice.
"Get off me! You stink!" I push him away, my face scrunched up.
Elijah and Zayn both let out a small chuckle, as Ezra frowns.
"Damn, and here I was worried you passing out would change you."
"Don't worry, nothing would change me, just as much as nothing would change the way you stink all the damn time." I retort.
"How are you actually feeling though?" Elijah cuts in before Ezra.
"Fine, just a tiny headache," I pause, "wait, what actually happened?"
Elijah moves over to sit on my bed, "You passed out, and Zayn told us you weren't able to walk and had a really bad headache, so we took you to the hospital."
"So what's wrong with me?" I ask.
"We don't know yet, the doctor should be here in a few minutes, but they took your blood to run some tests a while ago." Ezra replies, "You've been out for about 45 minutes."
I nodded slowly, "Don't tell mum."
Both Ezra and Elijah nod in silence, immediately understanding my intentions.
"Miss Hayashi?" I look up to the new voice, a young woman stood in front off me, "Hi, My name is Dr Laurier, how are you feeling?"
"I feel fine now, definitely much better than before, there's just a small headache."
"That's great to hear, I do have the results of your blood tests," she pauses before looking up, "do you mind if I explain it to you with your friend here?"
"Yeah, it's fine, I don't mind him knowing." I reply.
"Alright, so what you experienced is called a Sporadic Hemiplegic Migraine, generally, when you experience such migraines, they are intense and can be very painful, common triggers are bright lights, physical exertion, stress, minor head trauma, too little or too much sleep," she continues, "Analgesics and non-steroid anti-inflammatory drugs can be used to reduce the migraine headache, and I will prescribe you some before you leave."
"How often does it happen?" I ask, shocked.
"We can't tell you for sure, but one way to identify that it is happening is through its symptoms. They can range from, nausea, distorted vision, ringing noises in your ear, confusion, dizziness, muscle weakness and communication problems." She informs.
"Oh, ok." I say quietly.
To be honest I wasn't sure how I was feeling, I was glad that there was nothing major wrong with me, but I felt like this was a burden.
Just an addition to one of the many problems in my life right now.
"I understand that was a lot of information, and it can come off as a shock to you, but if you have any questions or worries we are here to help." She offers a small smile, and once I had nodded my head showing that I understood, she left the room.
__ __ __
Hey guys,
I know that that migraines can not be found with a simple blood test, let alone a hemiplegic migraine. Generally, molecular genetic testing can confirm a diagnosis of familial hemiplegic migraine, but I didn't want to waste time by going through the details of the process. I Hope you enjoyed today's chapter, please don't forget to VOTE and COMMENT any errors in my writing. Next update will be Saturday 25th March.
Thank you,
Elle x