I was sitting next to Mille, we were at the hotel waiting for my parents to show up. On the plane ride over, her and Judah switched seats. So, I've spent the entire time telling her what was going on with Judah and I. I wasn't too keen on explaining everything to her so she kept trying to pry every so often. So, she found out pretty much exactly what happened and why. Remind me to never sit next to her for that long again.
"Hey," Cisco and Judah walked up.
I hadn't really seen Judah since we broke up. I think we both focused on the 'avoid each other' part. He looked good, his shirt was unbuttoned and he was wearing swim trunks. He also had on dark shades. I did allow myself to look down at his abs, ignoring my better judgment. I glanced at his face, regretting it instantly. His eyes bore into mine. He smirked slightly but it dropped just as quick as it appeared. I felt one of the corners of my mouth raise to an instinctive response. I looked down, looking at my feet, studying my flip flops. I painted my toes, for the first time in a while. They were white.
"Babe!" Millie got up and walked over to Cisco. I watched them hug, Judah walked over to the bench I was sitting on. He sat on the opposite end, avoiding eye contact. I should honestly be doing the same, but I couldn't help stealing glances.
I heard Cisco tell Millie that their stuff was all in their room. I remembered how it felt when Judah texted me right after we broke up. It was solely an informational message. He told me he was getting a separate room at the hotel, so I was staying in the nice one that we booked together. But I didn't reply. Right now, I wished I had. Maybe it wouldn't be so uncomfortable right now.
I glanced over at him again, catching him snapping his head to the floor. He was looking at me when I looked up, but he looked away quickly. I smiled softly, happy with the fact that he was even looking at me. I missed him, obviously. But it wasn't like I missed him that bad. Right?
I guess he caught my smile, because he took it as an opportunity to scoot closer to me. He was about a foot away now, he didn't look at me as he said, "I saw you checking me out."
I furrowed my eyebrows in slight anger and confusion, looking directly at him, "That's the first thing you say?"
"Shit, you're right," He pursed his lips and kept avoiding eye contact. 'Well at least he's not taking it so hard,' I thought to myself. He looked cute, trying not to laugh. I was unimpressed and I let it show, turning my attention forward. He eventually sighed and spoke again, "Ky let's try to act normal, for the sake of the trip."
I looked at him yet again, "What do you mean by normal?"
"I just meant like, be civil. I don't want to walk on eggshells either, you know?" He explained himself.
I looked away as my face softened slightly, "Yeah, just don't flirt with me anymore."
"My bad, I'm just a fish," His voice was low. I immediately remembered a couple months ago when I told him to not flirt with me: 'Asking you to not flirt is like asking a fish not to swim, isn't it?' I had laughed. We were on the couch in the apartment. He answered with 'Pretty much,' and nodded, 'I'll do my best-'.
I cracked a small smile and looked over to see my parents walking up. Cisco and Millie met them half way and said hi to each other. It felt like I was in a different reality. Nothing seemed to feel as it should.
I stood up and walked over to them. I was wearing a green sundress, it was very flowy and long. So, my belly was hidden enough. I smiled as I hugged both of my parents muttering pleasantries.
"Come on over here, son!" My dad was loud, inviting Judah over with a wave. 'Son.' It wasn't surprising, he always called Judah his son. But for some reason it hit just a bit differently now.
He had kept his distance, remaining a few steps away from the rest of us. I turned to find him looking unsure, I wasn't used to seeing him in this state. He usually was quite confident, but this was more cautious. I raised an eyebrow softly at him, he glanced at me before he took some steps over, smiling at my parents. My dad brought him into a hug, smacking his back.
We all stood around talking for a few minutes before we decided to go out to eat. I felt tense, it was obvious that Judah did too. Cisco and Millie probably sensed the tension as well. But then there were my parents, oblivious to the elephant at the table. Or rather, both of the elephants. I realized I should probably just come out with my pregnancy announcement. At least some of the tension would dissolve, right?
We all sat at a large table, it was long. We took our seats, my parents sat together and I took a seat next to them. Cisco, Millie and Judah sat on the opposite side of the table. Millie was across from me. I glanced across the table and Judah's eyes met my own. He looked away quickly again, my heart twisted in my chest. I hated this.
After we ordered our food the conversation flowed again. I decided to just get it over with. "So! I have news," I blurted as soon as there was a slight pause in conversation.
"Really? What is it?" My mom was invested.
I looked back and forth between my parents and smiled, "You got your wish. You're going to be grandparents."
They were both quiet for a bit, they looked at me with looks of astonishment, "You're-"
I nodded and stood up, tightening the dress around my quickly growing belly. My mom's eyes lit up at the sight, "How far along?"
"20 weeks," I sat back down.
"Oh my! Congratulations doll!" My dad stood up and walked around my mother to hug me.
My mother was tearing up, she leaned into me practically crying, "I can't believe it."
"Who's the lucky fella?" My fathers voice was cheerful.
I laughed and looked down, "Hopefully you can meet him someday."
I didn't want to bluntly admit to my parents that I wasn't actually sure. I felt guilty almost, with good reason. My mother pulled away, still gushing. I faked a smile at her, trying my best to be happy with them. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to have the reaction I probably should.
"But wait, there's more," Judah's voice took the attention off of me.
"Don't tell me," My mother was still sniffling.
"I'm going to be a dad," He smiled at them. I smiled at him genuinely. One he glanced at me, his smile dropped a bit. But it widened again, I was the one who looked away this time. This was painful, yet I found myself still thankful he was here.
My parents' look of shock returned. My dad looked at me and Judah, "We are dealing with 2 different babies though?"
I forced a laugh and nodded. It was just like my dad, to have no filter. Judah laughed, "Definitely 2."
"Oh! Is it your sister, Millie?" My mother's eyes were wide.
"Actually," Judah interjected, scratching his head, "No. Her name is Kelsey."
My mother nodded, still smiling regardless. Before I knew it she was crying hysterically, "I get 2 grandchildren! Oh my word!"
Millie squealed, "We're doing Kyleigh's gender reveal tomorrow on the beach!"
Millie and my mom continued gushing about the babies. My dad, Cisco, and Judah were talking about his impending fatherhood. But me, I just sat there. I was pretending to be involved in conversations, smiling whenever I was looked at. But, I didn't process much of anything that was said.
I found myself rubbing my belly with one hand and zoning out. I didn't know what to say to add to the conversations, my mother wasn't asking me questions directly. So, I just sat. The food came, and everyone started eating. After I finished my food I excused myself. Instead of going to the bathroom like I said I was, I asked the host if I could pay for my own meal before I left.
I was walking along the beach. My sandals were in my hand, the damp sand squished between my toes and under my feet. I walked on the edge of the tide, water swishing over my feet every so often. I couldn't help but think about my life. How quickly everything changed, then changed again. I took a deep breath, mentally reassuring myself that everything will work itself out.
I heard tiny giggles, looking in front of me I saw 3 children. Two were younger, 5 at the oldest. The third was a bit older, maybe 8. They were building a moat around their sand castle. The water from the waves was a bit more aggressive, it almost hit their castle. They all screamed in sync, running in front of it in an attempt to protect their artwork.
I couldn't help but smile. The realization that my baby would be that big one day settled in as I walked around them, continuing down the beach. I walked until I grew tired, eventually turning back. Once I got closer to the hotel, I took a break. I sat on the dry sand, looking at the horizon. At least an hour had gone by since I left the restaurant. But, I just wanted to be alone for a while.
~
After my stroll on the beach yesterday, I finally checked my phone on the way back to the hotel. Everyone else had just left to go back to the hotel around the same time I left the beach. So we all met in the lobby and talked about plans for today. We were currently on the beach again, the next day. Millie was obsessing over everything needing to be perfect. Me and Cisco were off to the side, talking.
"How are you?" He asked.
I smiled softly, "I'm alright."
He raised an eyebrow, "Even with Judah?"
I couldn't even fake a smile at his name. I nodded and looked away from him, "It sucks."
He put an arm over my shoulders, "See? You don't have to keep pretending like you're okay. Not with me at least, alright?"
I nodded and felt my emotions rise, so I took a step away from him. His arm fell to his side as I spoke, "I need to be okay. Fake it till you make it, right?"
I looked at him to see a sympathetic smile, "Come on, it's not like you to be so down. Especially over a guy."
My eyebrows raised, "A guy?" I laughed dryly, "Yeah, because he's just some guy. Totally."
Cisco sighed, "That's not what I meant."
"Not only was he my best friend, but he's probably my soulmate. He's my first love. He's-" I paused, overcome with emotion. Cisco wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug. I let myself cry just a little, "Cisco, I love him so much. It hurts so much. I can't. I hate to see him right now. He's right here and I can't be with him. I can't be here. I miss him. I miss being with him. But everything fell apart so hard and so fast."
"Shhhh," He hushed me, swaying side to side and rubbing my back, "I know. It'll be okay. It's just not the right time for you two. You'll figure it out eventually, I know it hurts. But he loves you too. He's hurting too."
"I've never felt love like that," I whispered as I calmed down, "I've never loved like that."
"I know," He kept rubbing my back, "I'm sorry it's not working out the way you deserve."
I inhaled and pulled away from his embrace, "It's not fair." I mumbled.
He nodded and bent down, looking me in the eye, "I know it's not. But you can handle it, and one day when life is a bit easier on both of you. Maybe everything will fall into place."
I rolled my eyes, "You've always been a hopeless romantic."
"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," He quoted.
I closed my eyes tightly, "I disagree. What we had before would've been enough for me."
He sighed again and pulled me back into another hug, "I'm sorry."
"Me too."
We had our moment and then watched the waves for a bit as I collected my composure. Everything was set up 'good enough' as Millie put it. She had a tripod with her phone to record and handed me the tube. She told me how it worked and what to do. I was wearing a loose blue dress that fell right above my knees. As I walked over to where Millie directed me, my parents and Judah's conversation stopped. There were balloons on either side of me saying "boy or girl?" With pink and blue balloons around them. It was actually a beautiful little display she had set up.
"Okay, so I'll start recording. Just go ahead whenever you're ready, count it down," Millie smiled from behind the camera. I assumed she started recording as she looked up at me.
I took a deep breath, collecting my thoughts as they wanted to drift. The soft breeze blew my dress and hair to the side. I fixed my hair and looked up. Everyone was looking at me with anticipation. My parents' smiles were huge, Millie looked like she could explode at any second, Cisco was smiling reassuringly. Then there was Judah, when my eyes met his, he looked away. My chest ached. I kept looking at him for a moment before looking down and taking another deep breath. I glanced at him again to see him looking back up at me. I shut my eyes slightly and decided to just go for it.
"3, 2-" I twisted and heard a pop. Everyone was yelling, and I heard Millie squealing. I opened my eyes and looked above me. Pink.
I couldn't hold back the smile, a baby girl. She's not a he at all. I looked over, immediately looking at Judah. I was laughing, excitedly. He was smiling at me, his expression was so light for once. I felt like I hadn't seen that face in far too long.
'A girl.' My smile was huge as Cisco ran up and hugged me. "A niece!" He practically screamed. Everyone else joined us, Millie kept squealing as if she didn't already know.
"A granddaughter!" My mother started to get emotional again. She wrapped her arms around me.
Everyone was congratulating me and surrounding me. I looked for Judah, seeing him a few steps away. I smiled at him and his face lit up again. He walked over to me and I met him halfway, stepping away from everyone else.
"You were wrong," He was smiling.
I nodded, "I guess so."
I was still smiling at him, but his smile dropped with those words. My eyebrows furrowed, wondering why. He smiled again softly and leaned towards me. His arms stretched out and wrapped around me.
I didn't know what to do. My heart stopped for a second. I wrapped my arms around him after I got over the shock. His grip tightened and I couldn't hold back my emotion. A shaky breath escaped me and I pursed my lips, holding my breath and shutting my eyes tightly.
I missed this. I needed this. I finally inhaled again, his scent was all I focused on. I took some deep breaths, burying my face in his shoulder. His hands gripped the fabric on my dress and I felt him inhale deeply. I hugged him tighter, never wanting to let go.
"Congratulations, love," He whispered. For a second I smiled, I felt warm. I ignored the sharpness in my chest that followed and dug my face into his body. Hearing him talk like that, it hurt. But it made me feel better for a second, the split second before I realized we weren't together anymore. The half second fantasy was almost worth the hurt.
"Thank you," I replied. His grip loosened but I didn't want to let go. I wasn't ready for him to feel far from me again. This moment felt as close to normal as I'd been for a long time. He noticed my refusal and his grip tightened again.
I took in the feeling, not knowing when I'd feel it again. I inhaled trying to remember his scent, he wasn't wearing any cologne. All I could smell was him, and traces of body wash or something like that. His skin was warm from soaking up sun. I focused on the way his arms felt around me, the way his chest felt on my cheek, and the way our bodies pressed together. I concentrated on how his body felt in my arms, my hands on his back and side. They were wrapped around him as tight as they could get without struggling.
He kissed the top of my head and I felt myself tear up. He hadn't done that in such a long time. God, I missed it. I missed feeling this way with him.
"Let's go, you two! We're gathering all of the stuff and then going to eat!" My mother yelled.
Judah loosened his grip again and I tightened mine. He didn't move. Instead he spoke, "I'm sorry." I shook my head as if it were an answer, he continued on, "I shouldn't have come."
"I'm glad you did," I told him confidently. His grip tightened again.
After another minute he spoke again, "I'll love you for the rest of my life, you know that?"
My eyes watered and I loosened my grip slightly, "I know." I took a step back, "I'll love you always, don't forget it."
I finally let go, turning away from him immediately. I held my breath to shove my emotions back as I helped gather balloons. I let myself ignore the realistic side of things and tried to focus on the relief and happiness the hug offered me.
The day went on without any issues. Judah and I were able to act less tense around each other, which was great. We all walked together to a buffet close to the hotel for dinner. My parents, Cisco and Millie all went to grab food as I decided to wait at the table.
"You should go get a plate," I said to Judah.
He looked over at me, "I'll wait. I can't leave you here by yourself."
I looked down at my hands, smiling at the fact that he was still looking out for me. Of course he would, we still care about each other. But the reassurance made me happy. Yet it also made me hurt all at the same time.
"Thanks," my voice was soft. Judah scooted all the way down to the seat in front of me. I looked up at him.
"Is it okay if we talk?" He asked, "I mean, for the sake of the trip. You know? Maybe we can just-"
"Of course," I interrupted him, smiling softly.
His face lit up, making me smile harder, "Thank god, I feel like being around you and not even talking to you is like-"
"Foreign," I finished for him.
"Exactly."
I nodded as I looked down, "How are you? Like, honestly?"
There was a pause, as if he was thinking. Finally he said, "Bad. Really bad."
My eyes widened, I was expecting for him to be honest but not that honest. I swallowed and looked back up at him, "Oh."
He nodded and smiled, "Yeah, when we fought and I flipped my shit," He inhaled sharply, "That was bad. But this, this is really bad."
I looked back down, "Sorry."
"No, I was just trying to be honest. It's not at all your fault. I should've kept it simple. Sorry," He spoke quickly, there was a pause before he continued, "How are you?"
I sighed and smiled softly, "Alive."
"I can see that, life looks good on you," I looked at him as he spoke, his smirk clear as day. 'What a fish.' I thought to myself, 'I missed that smirk.' I didn't want to get real about how I felt. I knew I wouldn't be able to without getting emotional. So instead, I didn't say anything. After a minute he broke the silence, "How do you feel about having a girl?"
My smile surfaced again, "Honestly, I'm so excited. I can't believe I was wrong though."
"Me either. You had us both fooled," He laughed. I felt my heart skip a beat, I hadn't heard a laugh like that from him in so long. I've heard him laugh with Kelsey, and maybe once or twice in the past week and a half. But, to hear him genuinely laugh with me made me happy.
"I miss that," I looked away with a soft smile. My voice was low, but I'm sure he heard it.
"What? Me?" He asked with confusion.
"I meant your laugh. But, yeah. That too, I guess," I laughed softly.
He was quiet for a while before he finally responded, "I'm sorry, Ky."
My eyebrows furrowed, "Don't be. It's not your fault."
"I mean," He started off, "I didn't make enough time for you. Some things I said, like the whole you not wanting the extra baggage. I didn't realize at the time that I was the one who wasn't handling the extra baggage well." I didn't know how to respond, so I found myself speechless again. He continued on, "I'm just sorry I didn't notice it."
I was quiet for a moment, unsure of how to respond. "I-" suddenly my parents walked up to the table. I stood up immediately and walked away. I was grabbing a plate when I ran into Millie and Cisco.
"Mom's already asking questions about you and Judah," Cisco blurted.
"No, yeah. It's bad. Fair warning," Millie added.
I groaned, "Just what I need in my life."
Millie shrugged and mouthed a 'sorry' as they walked back to the table. I just continued down the different sections grabbing food. I was trying to make an effort to eat more nutritious foods, but I still found myself grabbing the fattiest foods and anything that was high in carbs. I was almost finished in the pasta section when Judah came over. It only made sense, we both loved pasta with a passion. So if he was stalking me, it was a good job.
"Was I out of line?" He asked. I assumed he was referring to his apology earlier.
I shook my head and finished grabbing noodles, "You're fine. I just," I sighed and looked at him, "It's not the time, or place."
I didn't leave room for a response, I walked away. I was just about to go back to the table, I was grabbing a roll before I headed over when Jean walked up to me, "Hey. How are you?"
"Fine," I smiled.
"You don't have to tell me, but I know something is going on. Millie has a terrible poker face," My mother laughed slightly.
I took a breath and smiled again, thinking about telling her. I decided that my earlier comment to Judah applied to me as well, and my mom. "How about we talk after dinner?"
"We don't have to! But I would love to be an ear for you," She rubbed my back and walked away.
I took a deep breath and made my way to the table. My mom wasn't there, I wondered if she went to talk to Judah or if she maybe went to the bathroom. Either way, I shook the thoughts and sat down. I was taking a bite of my roll when my dad said, "You and Judah need to kiss and make up. I'm tired of whatever this is."
"I don't know what you're talking about," I said bluntly, without looking up.
"Yes you do. We're in Hawaii. Just forgive the boy, Kyleigh. I'm sure he's sorry," He laughed, clearly unaware of everything going on.
"You have no clue what you're talking about," I replied. Obviously it wasn't his fault, except for the fact that they would've known that we were together if they were very home. I wasn't holding that against them though, I think. But then again even Cisco doesn't have the full picture.
"I bet you're right. Maybe you should explain it to us," He suggested, way to perky for the occasion.
I looked up to see my mother already sitting next to my dad, she wasn't trying to stop him. Clearly she wanted to know too. I glanced over at Cisco and Millie to see both of them shoveling food into their mouths and looking down at their plates. I sighed, clearly cornered with no backup. That's when I noticed Judah walking up from a distance.
"Dad, let it go," I told him and looked at my plate, picking at my food with a fork.
"You've been two peas in a pod for 10 years! I hate seeing you like this," My mom spoke loud, probably loud enough for Judah to hear.
"Exactly, so just make up," My dad shrugged, "We haven't had a family vacation since you graduated."
"Yeah, I know you fight like siblings sometimes. But let's just have a good time," My mother's voice was genuine and caring. Her comment was enough to make me nauseous, so I shut my eyes tightly. I wanted to teleport away. Millie practically choked on her food.
"Please don't say that," Judah's voice emerged from the unseen chaos.
"Say what? It's true! You two-" My mom was about to go on but Cisco saved our lives.
"Mom!" He shouted, warning her. I finally opened my eyes. She stopped talking and huffed. She muttered the word 'fine'.
"I'm actually not hungry anymore," I stood up, wanting to walk away.
"No you don't, no way, sit down. Or at least explain yourself," My dad's more stern side came out. It wasn't often we saw this side of him.
I laughed dryly, "You want a pleasant vacation? Okay! This was my way of trying to give that to you. But now, you want to know what's going on? Fine! I'd be happy to fill everyone in! But, don't complain to me when you still don't get what you want." I practically shouted.
"Ky, you don't-" Judah tried to stop me.
"No, clearly everyone just needs to know! The truth is, we're very much in love with each other. We dated for a couple months, only for our relationship to crumble underneath the weight of (not one, but two) unexpected pregnancies. With two different people, one of which is anonymous! We broke up mutually two days ago. Now please stop calling him my sibling. And for the love of God, the next time I ask you to let it go, please just let it fucking go!" I walked away from the table. 'Just kill me, please, now.' I was embarrassed, my face was probably red as a tomato. I just left the restaurant, walking for as long as I could manage to.