Today wasn't just any day; it was thee day. A day I often dreaded. It was hard to convey to others why I had dreaded today so much in the past, but I had often thought of the person I would marry having a room full of people and my side being empty. I think it came from a place of insecurity; I suppose that second place love feeling. I always thought that it would come to the time and my mum would make the decision not to attend. I imagined the awful position that would put my family in and that I would suddenly find myself having to do the selfless thing of telling them it's okay, I understand when they told me they couldn't attend for fear of upsetting mum. If Rhys wouldn't attend, then neither would Dad nor Liv.
I hadn't made many friends growing up; I made acquaintances through work, but very rarely friendships. That was the world of law; you never truly knew who was on your side and who was just in it for the advice, tip-offs, and news headlines. When I think back now to Hannah, I guess there was a part of me that liked that dynamic we had of just being together. It was never a question of which friends we would visit because both of us were happy to be as one; Leah and I didn't have that at first, and it's hard to think of today without thinking of the argument that it caused and my revelation that changed the way she looked at me forever.
Flashback:
Leah and I had been official for just a few weeks, separated by distance but closer than ever. I thought nothing could change that. I thought I would never lie to her. Neither of those were true, though, and instead I found myself telling her that I had to go off the phone because I was heading out with some friends and would call her when I was home. I wasn't.
Weird lie to tell, right?
It all began when I watched an interview that Leah had done, and my Instagram feed was full of interview snippets. She spoke of how she hated not being busy and would often spend her evenings doing just about anything to get out of her apartment. I brought it up with her, thinking that maybe she had some kind of underlying stress that made her unwilling to be on her own, but I ended up making myself feel worse.
"It would be really weird, at my age, if I were to just go to training, play matches, and then sit at home. People would think I had no mates." She chuckled.
Those words lived rent-free in my head for the next week, until tonight, when I decided that this was the best course of action. Maybe she was right; maybe it was weird that I was just going to work and then sitting at home; maybe she had started to notice that I only ever told her I was going to Dad's and then home again. Not tonight, though.
I spent the entire day texting and calling friends to organise something, being politely declined by each of them or just left on read. By the time work finished, I stayed until every other person had left the office in the hope that someone would be going for a drink. No one was, though, or at least they didn't invite me if they were. My only option was to pretend that I was doing something, insecure that Leah was starting to think I was a bit of a bore or a loner.
I tried to stay awake until the usual time that people return home from nights out, but I failed miserably. I woke at some point during the night to find my phone out of charge tucked underneath me. I ran from the sofa to my bedroom, plugging my phone in and checking the time on the clock: 6:07 a.m. Shit. I hoped Leah would be asleep and that I could text her that I was home late and she would never know any different, but my fears were confirmed when my phone turned on and notifications filled my screen.
Leah [2.01am]
You still out, babe?
Leah [2.37am]
Hey Soph, sorry to be a pain, but could you let me know you're okay?
Leah [3.14am]
Soph, I'm getting worried. Please reply
Leah [3.56am]
If you aren't going home or whatever, can you just let me know you're safe x
Leah [4.11am]
Soph? Please
Leah [4.25am]
Sophie??
Leah [4.26am]
Wait, have you turned your phone off?
Leah [4.33am]
Soph, babe, please let me know you're safe
Leah [5.12am]
I don't know what to do. I'm scared to text Rhys in case you get annoyed at me for being so overprotective
Leah [5.55am]
Sophie please. Please answer me
Leah [6.05am]
Soph?
My heart dropped at the thought of Leah going out of her mind for hours on end while I lay sleeping, but how could I tell her that? I pressed the call button, still unsure about what was going to spill out of my mouth.
"Soph! Oh, thank god. Are you safe? Did something happen?"
"Le, I'm so sorry. My phone died, and I - I - well - I went to - Niamh's. I couldn't get a bus—I mean taxi—home. Took ages; I had to keep checking the app—well, her app—because my phone was dead obviously."
"I'm just glad you're okay, Soph. Are you in bed? It's freezing out; did you get warmed up okay, I don't want you getting the cold before I visit." She chuckled gently.
"Yeah - I'm cool - great. Go back to sleep; I'll talk to you tomorrow. Night, Le."
"Night, Soph."
I knew I had rushed her off the phone, but I couldn't stand lying to her; that's rich coming from me right now, I know. I let my tears flow as I thought of the gravity of this tiny white lie I had told, vowing to never lie to her again after this, but my tears were interrupted by Leah's name flashing on my phone again. I cleared my throat before answering, knowing she would ask why I was crying if not.
"You okay, Le?" I asked softly.
"Who's Niamh?" She sniffed.
"Huh?"
"You didn't say she was one of the people going out. Liam, Ciara, Will, Charlotte, and Dermot—but never Niamh."
"I didn't? I must've missed her out."
I sound so unconvincing right now.
"Who is she, Soph?"
"Work—she works with me."
"You've never said?"
That's because Niamh is my second cousin, and I was not out with her tonight.
"I haven't? That's weird."
"Yeah - isn't it?"
"Get some -"
"Did you cheat on me tonight? Is that why you're being weird? Is that why your phone got turned off? Just tell me, Sophie."
"No."
"Then what? Because you're being so shady."
"I'm not, Leah."
"Is it me? Am I being paranoid?"
This is going too far.
"No."
"Fuck." She whimpered.
"I didn't cheat, though, I swear. I - I - I wasn't out."
"You weren't out? Seriously, Sophie. That's the best you can do?" She scoffed.
"I don't expect you to understand."
Call ended.
— — — —
That argument shaped us for the better, once the initial drama was over. Knowing I needed to save my relationship, I confided in Leah about feeling pathetic, her eyes glossing over as we sat in her living room after a spontaneous trip to London that I made to talk to her. She didn't speak for a few minutes after my outburst of I'm pathetic, I've put so much emphasis on my job that I've forgotten about any best friends I had, and any other friends I had have ended up taking Hannah's side. That's why I lied about going out, because you have all these friends and I have—well, I have no one. Ciara, whom I see a few times a year. That's my best friend. Pathetic, I know. When she did speak, Leah's response was heartfelt and truthful, her words setting off a swarm of butterflies in my stomach.
"But I'm your best friend, and you're mine."
It was that day that cemented in my head that I didn't care how many people I had in the room at my wedding, as long as Leah was there.
And now that brings us to the present: sitting in a hotel room, staring at myself in the mirror as the hairdresser makes the finishing touches to my hair.
"Who did Leah get to do her hair and make-up in the end, then?" She asked.
"I'm not sure, she never said. She had hers booked long before I did." I chuckled.
"I know, she contacted me when you two set the date. I got an Instagram message from her at like 1.30am."
Huh?
"Wait - were you meant to be doing her?"
"Yeah - sorry - I thought you knew."
"No. She really gave up her booking for me?"
"She did." She smiled.
"Sophie!" Liv shouted from the doorway.
"Yeah, Liv?"
"Dad says I can't come in until you're ready, but how long? I'm ready!"
"Not long, mate. Not long, I promise."
"Ok, Leah is ready already."
"How do you know?"
"I'm texting her, duh."
"You better not be torturing her, Liv." I chuckled.
"No, I'm torturing you now. Wait, I'll go get my phone and go back to Leah for a while."
"No - Liv! Liv? Oh fuck sake." I chuckled.
"Leah loves her." The hairdresser smiled.
"Yeah, they're very close."
"She talks about her all the time, says she gets her attitude from you."
"She's not the first person to make that observation." I chuckled.
"No, I would say not. Right, what do we think?"
"I love it. Thank you so much."
"Thank Leah. Have a perfect day."
As she left the room, I took a few minutes to myself before checking once more in the mirror and then calling out for Liv, my bridesmaid. I heard the sound of her little feet running from next door to the door of my hotel room. Three gentle knocks and a come-in later, she was standing in front of me with her mouth wide open.
"Wow." She said, widening her eyes.
"What do you think?"
"You look so pretty, Auntie Sophie. Really, really pretty."
"Thank you, Liv. So do you." I smiled.
"What's the next bit?"
"Well, now we call everyone else in here, and then we go and get married!" I grinned.
"We get married? I don't want to get married."
"No, I get married. You just watch." I chuckled.
"Ok. I'll go get them, wait here!"
Tears, smiles, and laughter filled the room as Liv returned with the rest of my family and, of course, Paula, who was the other bridesmaid, mostly just to stay in charge of Liv. The tears from my parents didn't surprise me, but when I looked up to see Rhys with tears rolling down his cheeks, I had to swallow a lump in my throat in fear of ruining my makeup.
"I'm really proud of you, Sophie." He said through a trembling voice.
"You're the one I've always wanted to make proud the most, Rhys." I smiled.
"Kelly's forever?" He smiled, holding his hand out to repeat our childhood secret handshake.
"Kelly's forever." I chuckled while repeating the action.
— — — —
"It's not raining." I shouted as we pulled up to the woods.
"Told you. Dads are always right."
"Thank you, Dad. For everything, for always being okay with all of this." I whispered.
"All of what?"
"You know - women." I blushed.
"I won't ever care who you love, Sophie. As long as they love you back just as much. You ready?"
"I'm ready."
Dad stood out of the car, speaking of what a good idea the pins in my dress were. They were Leah's idea; she knew that the chances were the bottoms of our dresses would get muddy as we made our way to the little boats, so she bought us a pack each, even though she had no idea whether I had a trail or not. The idea behind them was that our dresses would be pinned until we reached the wedding setting on the island, which had been kitted out to ensure any mud was covered. Leah's dad had spent the morning laying cloth across the boats, making sure that no one would get dirt on them as they made their way across, even adding little fairy lights to the sides of the boat to set the scene; everything was perfect.
"Is Leah already here?" Liv asked as the boat pulled up to the island.
"Yeah, mate. Everyone is." I gulped.
"Hey, you've got this." Paula whispered.
"Mhmm." I nodded.
"You feel sick, don't you?" Rhys rolled his eyes.
"Yep."
"Give us a minute, guys." Rhys whispered.
He took me into his arms, doing nothing apart from hugging me until I felt the nausea begin to pass.
"I'm good." I chuckled.
"I thought we would have a repeat of your primary school choir moment."
"Oh god - remember that? I was sick all over the middle row."
"It's forever imprinted on my brain, Sophie." He chuckled.
Rhys gave the signal for Dad, Paula, and Liv to come back over, letting him and Mum make their way to their seats. Part of me was jealous of them—jealous that they would get to see Leah before I would. Leah had been adamant, though, that she didn't want an aisle walk. Of all the things that she had done, the aisle walk was something she felt would take over her mind before the day, and she told me that she didn't want to be preoccupied with worrying about that. I didn't care, as long as she was here and comfortable.
"Proud of you, kid." Dad kissed the side of my head as we watched Paula and Liv's backs turn to make their way down the aisle. We stood at the back, allowing me to get my first glimpse of Leah's back. Her hair was in a low bun, and her dress was tightly fitted to her athletic figure, her tan setting off the white so perfectly. The trail of her dress was long enough to be noticeable but short enough that she wouldn't get it tangled in anything, which made me chuckle a little at the thought that she had put into it, knowing if anyone would fall, it would be her. I could see her arm was bent, and I knew she'd be doing that awkward scratch of the neck thing as she waited for the music to start to let her know I was truly on my way.
"This is us. You ready?" Dad smiled, linking our arms together.
"Ready, Dad." I smiled, taking a deep breath as the music began and I made my way down the aisle.
Kiss Me - Kina Grannis
Kiss me, out of the bearded barley
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You'll wear those shoes
And I will wear that dress
"Hello you." Liam smiled, his wife, who was now fully recovered from her cancer, standing proudly by his side.
"Hi Liam." I mouthed back.
Oh, kiss me, beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me
A wolf whistle caused everyone to laugh, and then laugh harder when they realised it had come from none other than McCabe, who was being slapped by Ruesha.
Kiss me, down by the broken tree house
Swing me upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map
"Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful." Amanda whispered through a cry as she stood in the aisle to give me a kiss on the cheek as I passed her.
"I'll love her forever." I whispered into the hug.
Oh, kiss me, beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me
The last few steps seemed to take forever, my heart beating in my ears as I approached her, watching as she fought every bone in her body that wanted nothing more than to turn around. A kiss on the cheek from my dad, standing patiently as I gently wiped the tear that fell from his right eye, and a wink to Liv, who had her hands out to take my flowers from me; and finally... I took one last step forward and watched Leah turn around in slow motion. Her eyes were glossy with tears, her teeth showing through her smile, and her shoulders moving up and down slowly as she fought the sobs that I knew were stuck in her throat because they were stuck in mine too.
"Hi." I breathed out.
"Hi." Leah whispered.
So kiss me
"You look—wow."
"You look - wow - too, Soph. Can I?" She whispered, holding her hands out for me.
"Always." I placed my hand in hers.
Leah's hands were warm and comforting, her thumb rubbing back and forth across mine as we got lost in one another's eyes, only being interrupted when the officiant began to speak.
"Marriage has been defined for decades as the love between two people, but only in recent years has the love of two people of the same gender been invited to also make that celebration. It's important, on a day like today and on every other day, to remember that love is not defined by gender, skin colour, or religion but simply by commitment, trust, and happiness. Today, Sophie and Leah have decided to make that commitment, to put that trust in love, and to pave the way for a lifetime of happiness.
Sophie and Leah met in the most extraordinary of circumstances: a storm forced them to spend Christmas together, although some may call that fate. Together, they have watched each other's success, even if it was not in the same career. They have loved one another through the best times and the worst times. They don't shy away from the fact that their relationship hasn't always been perfect, but neither do they shy away from the fact that it has always been Sophie or that it has always been Leah.
But there is someone else that it has always been, someone else that played an important role in their relationship, and someone else who, as Leah said, would be perfect to describe to everyone just what love is." The officiant paused.
Leah winked softly at me as I furrowed my brows in confusion. I had no idea what was coming.
"So Olivia is going to come up here and tell you all what love is and what it means to her." He nodded in the direction of Liv, who held tightly to Paula's hand as they stood on the stage.
"Hi, I'm Liv, and I'm the bridesmaid." She said proudly, pausing as everyone cheered for her.
I felt my eyes water more than before, and Leah attentively ran her thumbs under them to catch my tears before they could fall.
"Love is the best. Love is when Dad makes me pancakes with blueberries, even though he's allergic to blueberries, but he makes them anyway because they're my favourite. Love is when my friend in school shared her lunch with me because I forgot my lunchbox. Love is when Nanny gives me her last piece of chewing gum, even though I spit it out after three chews. Love is when my mum lets me stay with my dad for Christmas, even though she misses me. Love is when Granda pretends his back isn't sore so I can go on his shoulders to watch the fireworks, even though I know his back is sore. Love is when Auntie Leah gets into bed beside me because I had a nightmare, even though I know she misses Auntie Sophie. Love is when Auntie Sophie was away on a work trip but flew home for my birthday party for a few hours and then had to fly alllll the way back again. Love is my favourite thing in the world, and I love everyone."
By the time Liv had finished, everyone around us was either laughing or crying or something in between. There was something so fitting about hearing someone as innocent as Liv describe what love was and knowing that Leah and I would do all of that for each other.
"Thank you, Liv." The officiate smiled.
"You okay?" Leah whispered, tightening her grip on my hands.
"That was perfect." I smiled, knowing she had organised it.
"Sophie and Leah, the vows you are about to take are going to guide the rest of your relationship and become the beginning of that journey that the two of you are committing to. Are you both ready to proceed?"
A nod from both of us and a huge breath.
"Leah, would you like to begin?" He smiled.
It was now my turn to run my thumb along Leah's knuckles, smiling at her so she knew I was behind her every step of the way.
"Soph—can I say Soph? Does it have to be Sophie?"
"You can say whatever you want." He nodded.
"Soph - when I met you, I was so sure that I wouldn't ever even become friends with anyone I didn't already know. My life at that time had made me believe that it wasn't possible to meet anyone who didn't see me as the person who was on the front of the papers lifting the Euros trophy. I often thought of that first day and the days that came after and wondered at what point I realised that you were someone for whom I was willing to break that promise I had made to myself—the promise to never be vulnerable. A few weeks ago, we lay on the sofa together and spoke of our memories, and I found my answer. My answer was that the moment I saw the love that you gave to Liv, that was the moment that I realised that the love that you had to give was the type of love that I had so desperately been looking for. It was the type of love that was goofy, pure, and selfless, and you had this adoring sparkle in your eye when you looked at your family members, especially Liv, and I wanted that. I wanted you to look at me like that. Distance was hard, and I know that I made it harder by keeping just a little bit of my heart back from you; the more you looked at me with that same sparkle in your eyes, the more my heart came loose from the chains that I had tied around it to keep it locked. That scared me. I know that you know that. I know that my fear became your fear, and I have spent every day wishing that I could change that, but today, being here with you, I'm glad that our story went how it did, because maybe if just one decision had been different, if one conversation hadn't taken place, or if one night had ended differently, then maybe I wouldn't be standing here today marrying my best friend.
There aren't many promises that I could make to you today that I haven't already made, so I'm simply going to make a statement in front of everyone who means the most to us and tell you that I love being vulnerable with you and that every second that I live being loved by you will continue to be the privilege of my life. You always say that I was successful before I met you, and in the lead up to today many have worried that maybe that was something we should consider, but only I truly know that the most successful I have ever felt in my life—despite the trophies or the medals or the fancy invites—is when I wake up in the morning and see you beside me, when I fall asleep at night with you in my arms, and every moment that I spend with you in between those times, that's success to me. Being loved by you is my success. And I promise that it always will be."
Leah gently placed my wedding ring on my finger, gazing down at it as if she couldn't quite believe that it was real.
I tried to begin my own vows twice before chuckling to myself at my inability to talk due to my emotions from listening to Leah's.
"I've got you. I'm right here." Leah whispered, bringing my hands to her lips to place a kiss on the back of each of them.
I smiled tenderly at her, taking a deep breath before beginning, again.
"Le - I swear I didn't copy your homework with this one, even though it sounds like I did. There aren't many feelings that come close to the feeling of success that I get when I hear a judge rule in my favour in court. For so many years, I had been okay with that; I had been okay with stealing my happiness from the success of my clients. Then I met you, and everything changed. Success changed to being the feeling that I got when I saw your car lights in the window and knew you were home, to when I woke up in the morning and felt you beside me, to when I felt completely and utterly surrounded by you when you held me through the night, to the moments that I catch your eye across the room at a family party and know that we're saying I love you even when we're not actually saying anything at all.
A few weeks ago, we spoke of first-place love, and I told you that for the first time ever, I felt that with you. Even now, I don't think you know how much you mended a heart that I didn't even know needed mending just by allowing me to be your first place love. Well, first place after Arsenal, obviously.
Speaking in front of people is a huge part of my job, so when it came to planning for today and writing these vows, I didn't expect to find it so hard. The promises that I want to make to you are endless, the ways that I could tell you that I feel about you are infinite, and the things that I could say about the happiness and love you have given me are continual because every second that I spend with you, you seem to find more ways to bring me love and happiness. So, I've picked the most important promises, some for me and some for you, and I really hope I haven't left any important ones out.
I promise to love you, through the times that make it easy and the times that make it hard. I promise to never forget what those times when we couldn't find a balance between work and us were like and to never allow us to go back there. I promise to support you in everything you do, whether it be something that causes us distance or something that causes us strife. I promise we will always find a way to make your dreams work, just as you have done with mine. I promise to communicate with you, both honestly and vulnerably, today and every day. And most importantly, I promise that whatever happens in the new adventure that we have gone on, there's no one I'd rather be on it with than you."
Only Leah and I knew that the new adventure wasn't married life, it was the life of a baby that we had already begun to plan. I placed her wedding ring on her finger, trying desperately not to drop it as my hands trembled.
"Sophie and Leah, you have both made your vows and exchanged rings in the presence of myself, your families, and, of course, your friends. It gives me great pleasure to say that you are now officially married, and to say that one sentence that I know you have both been longing to hear, you may now kiss the bride."
A cheer erupted through the small crowd that was in attendance, but the noise seemed to disappear in my head as Leah and I moved our faces closer to one another. Her arms wrapped around my waist, mine reaching up to wrap around her neck, my fingers finding their place in her hair as our lips connected, and both of us let out a sigh of relief at the feeling. We broke apart reluctantly, Leah's head resting on mine as our eyes met once more.
"I love you, Sophie Williamson." Leah whispered.
"Hearing that feels so good. I love you, Le. I love you."