I was looking in the mirror as Judah wrapped a towel around himself. I was brushing my teeth, watching him. He looked at me, smiling as he messed with his wet hair. I finished brushing my teeth and smiled at him, leaving the bathroom. Last night was a lot. I was thinking about everything the whole time we were in the shower. I dropped my towel and got myself dressed. I was drying my hair when Judah appeared in the reflection of my mirror.
"You okay if I go shopping with you?" He asked.
I nodded, "If you really want to."
He shrugged, "I don't have to. I could just give you money."
I thought about it for a minute, "Actually, I'll go alone."
He nodded, "Alright," turning around and walking towards his room he muttered, "Cool."
I put some shoes on and walked out of my room. Judah was standing in the kitchen shirtless, eating a bowl of cereal. At least he had pants on. I walked over to him, admiring his body. He looked up at me, smirking, "I'm heading out," I laughed.
"I'll just send you the $40," He told me, his arms going over my shoulders. He was still holding his cereal.
"Don't spill on me," I looked up at him.
"I won't," He laughed, "Have fun."
I smiled, "I will. I'll be home for dinner. You should cook, I made food by myself last week."
He rolled his eyes exaggeratedly, "If you insist."
I got on my tippy toes and kissed him, "I love you, loser."
He cracked a smile, kissing me again before replying, "Love you too, loser."
~
I was in a waiting room, patiently waiting to be called back. I stopped by a pharmacy and already took the pill earlier. I was about to get tested just to make sure I was clean before I went shopping. I've never had a reason to be worried about it, no symptoms. But it's just better to be safe when you sleep with multiple people, especially after confirmed contact.
After my name was called, I stood up and went back. While I was finally getting sat in the room the woman smiled, "So how are you feeling?"
She proceeded with other screening questions while she took my vitals before handing me a cup to pee in. I went to the bathroom and left the sample. I was sitting on the bed when the doctor walked in. There was a typical greeting followed by some more questions. This time they were along the lines of, "How many sexual partners have you had?"
I laughed and told her I couldn't be sure. As awkward as it was, it went on smoothly. I'd done this multiple times. So, I knew the procedure and what came next, nothing was too surprising. I was told to wait for 15 more minutes in the lobby, for the test results. I was about to stand up when someone knocked on the door and walked into the room. It was one of the nurses, she handed the paper to the doctor and walked back out. She was quick and quiet, looking at her feet.
The doctor read over the paper and looked up at me, "Are you aware that you're pregnant?"
"What? I'm on birth control, I have the implant. I just took plan-B, I'm not pregnant. And this just happened like yesterday," I was nothing but confused at that moment.
"Well, you must have been pregnant for a while before that hun," She put her paper down and looked at me, "Don't worry, the pill will not affect the fetus. However, I would like to talk to you about your options. Do you-"
"How far along am I?" I asked.
"Let's see, you said you don't remember your last period?"
"I don't even get them anymore, I stopped getting them years ago when I got the impl-" I let out a panicked breath, "Holy shit, I'm pregnant?"
"When did you last replace it?" She asked me, referring to my birth control, "They sometimes can be effective for up to 5 years, but you probably should have had it replaced after 3."
"I don't remember," I admitted. I forgot that it even needed to be switched out, I'd had it since I was like 16 or maybe 17. I don't even remember how often it was supposed to be replaced, "I got it replaced a few years ago, I think. I'm not sure."
"We can set up an ultrasound appointment today so that you can find out how far along you are, if you would like," She said in a comforting voice, "But we need to get that old implant out, regardless. I'll let you think for a moment, I'll be back in soon. Be sure to let me know if you'd like to discuss your options."
I nodded. 'Holy shit.'
~
I was sitting outside of a Jamba Juice that was nearby. I sipped on my smoothie, staring at the traffic passing by. There are many words that describe how I was feeling, the biggest being numb. I zoned out, 'You actually have a baby, brewing inside of you. You have no clue how long it's been there. You don't have a single clue as to who the dad might be.'
I looked down into my smoothie, still thinking. I had no idea what I was going to do. I didn't personally believe in abortion. Don't get me wrong, I think every woman deserves the right to choose. But, my personal choice would always be no. I knew that I could potentially get myself into a situation like this, so I've always been extremely careful. But, I've also always told myself that if I fucked up, that was on me. At this moment, it was crossing my mind. Realizing that I was going to be a single mother, I couldn't begin to figure out who the dad was. The only way I'd ever figure it out was a paternity test, but would I really want to know anyway? They probably would deny it anyway. I'll have to go through my messages looking for the damn guy too, become a whole detective. Imagine some random guy you've only met once suddenly becoming an inescapable person, the father of your child.
I sighed, finishing the last of my smoothie. I hadn't moved for at least an hour. Finally, I decided to throw away my cup and get in the car. I stopped by the store and went grocery shopping mindlessly on my way home. I finally walked through the door of our apartment, Judah was in the kitchen.
"Hey, love. You were gone a while," He greeted me sweetly as I carried in all of the bags I could, I sat them on the counter.
"Hey," I smiled at him briefly, "I got tested, I'm clean."
"Cool," He was cooking. I watched his back as I felt myself starting to detach.
"I'm making-" I zoned out again. 'How are you going to tell Judah? You are barely getting together, you actually aren't even together yet. You just had sex for the first time last night. How would he even react?' I took a deep breath, snapping myself back into the moment, as he looked at me, "Ky, you good dude?"
I nodded, "Sounds good. I have more groceries, I'll be right back."
I was sitting in my car, avoiding going back upstairs and not remembering exactly how I got down here in the first place. My thoughts kept running, 'What am I doing to do? I'm not ready to be a mother, maybe someday, but not today. How will this work? I'll need to move and settle into a new place all before the baby gets here. I don't even know how long that is. I can't be that far along, right? I'm not showing. I'll need to-'
There was a knock on my window, I looked over and saw Judah. He was holding the hydro flask that we took to the party. I opened the door and he spoke immediately, "Hey, I just saw Isaiah. Grabbed this. What're you doing in here?" He asked leaning on the open car door and the top of the car.
"Nothing," I grabbed the last of the groceries and got out of the car. I locked it and walked up the stairs. As soon as I got into the apartment. I began putting the groceries away.
"Hey, you sure you're okay?" Judah was behind me, he had a box of cereal in his hands. He reached up past me, putting the box up. He was looking at me as he took a step back.
"Yeah, no. I'm good," I shook my head and cracked a smile.
"You really do need the space, don't you? I knew last night would be too much, for where we were at," He sighed, "Look, I'm sorry. You should go to your parents like you said. I won't take it personally, don't even feel the need to explain anything. Okay?"
I just stared at him, 'If only you knew.' I continued putting groceries away without saying anything. Judah walked out of the kitchen and I let my mind drift again. Once I had finished, I leaned against the counter and took a deep breath. Before I knew it Judah was in front of the stove again, finishing dinner. I looked at the time and realized the day was almost over already. I'm not sure where the day had gone, but all I had was a smoothie. That's not exactly good for a baby.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and finally spoke, "Judah, it's not about last night."
"Oh," He turned around looking at me with a face of confusion, "What's going on?"
The silence was deafening, I couldn't look at him. I couldn't form words. My heart was pounding and my eyes were darting across the floor, looking for an escape. I felt a panic attack starting to surface. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to calm myself down. I felt him wrap his arms around me tightly. We stood there for a minute or two as I found a pattern in my breath again. Finally I took a step back and sighed, "I do need space, though."
"Don't worry about it, okay?" He reassured me, "I love you."
"I love you," I nodded and took a step forward again, leaning my forehead on his chest. He put one arm around me again. He made me feel safe, calm. I could find what distorted form of peace existed for me right now, only in him.
"Just remember I'm going to be here whenever you need me, I can be your therapist still too. I know shits difficult right now. We're stuck in between the lines. But, I'm still me," He paused, "I'm whatever you need me to be, whenever you need it." I wrapped my arms around him tightly, burying my face in his chest. Both of his arms squeezed me, "I'm sorry, Ky."
I turned my head to the side, "Why?"
"I knew it was a bad idea, but I couldn't-"
"It's not about us having sex. Please don't think that. I'd do it again, a million times," I interrupted, realizing he needed reassurance, "Seriously, it has nothing to do with that. I promise you."
"A million times, huh?" He laughed slightly, "No, but seriously though, it's okay. Our timing with everything has been less than preferable. I get that, that's what I'm sorry about."
'Oh, Judah. You have no fucking clue just how true that is.' I sighed and instead replied, "It's not your fault."
He rubbed my arm, "When you leaving?"
"Probably tonight," I answered.
His arms tightened even more. After a minute of hugging in silence he spoke again, "Okay. But, you gotta eat first."
We ate together without talking much. After both of us had finished our food, we were both still sitting on the couch watching Netflix. "I appreciate you," I decided to remind him.
I looked over at him to see him looking back at me, "I know," He smiled, "I appreciate you too."
I leaned on his shoulder, wrapping an arm around his, "I'm going to miss you." After all, it was the first time in 5 years that I wasn't going to see him everyday. For an entire week, actually.
"Me too," He agreed as he rested his head on top of mine.
~
I was at my parents house, thinking about how I was going to provide a stable life for my future baby and how much my life was going to change. My mind had been running around all of the possibilities and how I was going to approach the situation. I didn't know anything about how my life was going to work. I didn't know if Judah would want to live with a baby, I wasn't sure if I was going to try to find out who their dad was. I didn't know much of anything. I knew that I was going to have this baby, and give them the best life I could. I also knew that I was going to be fine, and life would just have to figure itself out. I was craving a drink when loneliness kicked in.
'No alcohol, no fun, less stress, better diet, more exercise, save money...' My mind was on overtime. I stared at the ceiling, freaking out internally. The expression on my face was blank, and I didn't know what to feel. I sighed and sat up, 'You better secure that job after the internship,' I continued thinking as I got up and paced the entire house. I had texted my parents asking if it was fine to stay at their house for a while. They already left for their next trip, so I was in the house alone. I asked Cisco to come over, so he was on his way. Eventually he walked in, ending the vicious cycle of overthinking and forcing myself to stop thinking, just to find myself overthinking all over again.
I walked over to him and hugged him immediately, and as soon as I pulled away I walked us over to the living room, "Sit down."
He looked at me confused but sat on the couch, his voice was suspicious, "Okay."
I sighed and blurted out, "I'm pregnant," I quickly took my seat on the couch next to him and looked at him.
He looked at me with pure shock, "No, you're joking."
I shook my head in response, "I legit just went in for std testing, like today. And they were like 'by the way'."
His face turned to a small smile, "No shit?" He laughed, "Kyleigh! No fucking shit, I'm gonna be an uncle?"
I laughed, still looking at him, "I guess so, yeah." I smiled, waiting for him to reply. He just hugged me tightly instead. Both of us were laughing and I'd never been so happy to tell someone something. It really helped to have someone who sees positivity in a stressful situation, "I'm really going to be a mom."
"Holy shit! Who knows?" He asked as we pulled out of the hug.
"I mean, everyone," I paused, "In this room."
He raised an eyebrow at me, "You haven't even told Judah?"
I shook my head, "Or mom and dad."
He smiled again, "I'm actually so happy to be the first you told. But, I'm also surprised."
"I couldn't tell him," I started off, "How am I supposed to tell him? We aren't even together, we barely had sex for the first time yesterday! The only reason I found out was because the condom broke!" I paused, taking a breath and lowering my voice, "I'm freaking out because I need this to work out, I actually love him. I love him so much, Cisco. I need this to work, if we don't work then my life is over. But it can't be over, obviously. I just wish this timing wasn't so dog shit, I mean like why couldn't I just have his baby in like 5 years? You know, after we were married and shit. That would've been so great. But no, instead let's make this shit happen when you're in between stages of your life, and its father is a guy who you don't even know!"
He sighed, "Shit, Ky. It's all going to be fine. I promise, just try to not freak out about everything. You know Judah will be supportive, and if he doesn't want to be with you now then he's a prick. But he isn't a prick, we both know this. He'll be nothing but supportive, it's just a matter of getting to the point where you give him the opportunity."
"I don't know if I could do that to him," I explained, "This is on me, I can't just expect him to just live with a whole ass baby he has nothing to do with."
"He won't see it that way, and I don't either. It's your baby. Therefore, it's 100% our business. Mine, mom's, dad's, and Judah's too. I hate to say it, but it's also their dad's business."
I sighed, "Yeah, I know. I'm going to get a paternity test with whoever I think it might be. But, I need to figure out how far along I am, so that I can get an accurate estimate of how far back I need to look in my messages," I laughed, "Mom of the year."
"At least you're doing what's best for the baby, some women would think it's too much work," He laughed with me, "But I mean what's the harm in just telling them Judah's their dad anyway? He would be the best father figure, you already said yourself you're going to be together and you obviously expect to stay together."
"No," I said, "I haven't even talked to Judah, and you're expecting him to pretend to be his dad?"
He laughed again, "Dude! You should just tell him in a month, and pretend the kid is actually his!"
I rolled my eyes, "First of all, no. Secondly, I legit took plan B. He paid for it. I took it right before I found out. But the lady said it won't hurt the baby, so."
"Actually though, when is your first ultrasound? When do you find out how far along you are?"
"They had an opening for Wednesday," I replied.
"Holy shit dude," He smiled again, "What time?"
"10," I looked at the ground.
"Damn, I got work," He was disappointed. 'Me too,' I thought to myself.
"Call me when you get off," I chuckled, "Or you can come over here after I get off on Thursday."
He practically squealed with excitement before his face became confused all over again, "You're staying here?"
I nodded, "Long story short I told Judah I needed space, he thinks it's all because of him. I couldn't bring myself to tell him."
He sighed, "Well, you better just tell him. Sooner rather than later."