It was to be expected. That's what they said when the news began to trickle through that Leah and I were living separately. It wasn't an easy decision to make, nor was it what I wanted, but it wasn't just Leah and I that had to be considered, it was the children too.
How did we get here though?
I hated the term grown apart, but I guess that's exactly what you would call it. With the children getting to an age of understanding, we knew that we had to have that talk, the talk of do they really need to be there to watch us fall out of love. We hadn't though, well I hadn't, I couldn't speak for Leah. Leah and I had long talked of having four children, it was something that always came up, no matter how many times we dismissed it and decided against it. Knowing that neither of us were getting younger, we had decided to try, just for one more. We hadn't expected that it would be easy, and we were right. It broke us.
Being older, it was inevitably harder for us to have a successful round of IVF. Leah had began to lose hope, I was sick of it though. I was sick of facing difficulty in everything I tried to do. It was difficult for me to make Leah understand my frustration, the frustration that life seemed to do nothing but take away the people I loved, even the ones that didn't exist yet. I guess you could call it delayed grief.
The final night we spent together was something I had held onto, it wasn't the drama fuelled night that people had invented, it was one filled with love and admiration for one another, with a horrible trickle of endings running through it. We both knew that this was it, that tomorrow I would move out of our family home, and we would begin to build our lives separately, joined together forever by the children, and the memories we had created along the way. When I woke the following morning, I ran my fingers along the bare skin of Leah's back, thinking of all the times I had done this previously after a night filled with passion, and wishing I had never stopped.
Flashback:
"I should go, before the kids get back." I croaked.
"Yeah."
"I'm sorry we couldn't make it."
"Me too, Al." Leah's lip quivered at the sight of me stood by the front door.
I opened the door, turning to take one last look at the woman who had shaped my life, the only person for me. Every emotion was made more intense by the fact that we were still so incredibly in love, and had we not have had the children, we probably could've fought our way through this. As my left foot stepped through the front door, a whisper from Leah stopped me in my tracks.
"I love you, Alex. I'll always love you."
"I love you. Always, Le." I whispered, making my way to the car before I broke down.
— — — —
The children struggled with adapting to this new life, staying with Leah half of the week and me the other half. They asked me, and I'm sure Leah too, if I still loved their Mum, I assured them that I always would but sometimes love just wasn't enough. Leah was good with words, she was good at telling them exactly what they needed to hear, but I had only ever truly been able to convey my emotions by writing, wanting to create a song to sing during my appearance on the Jonathan Ross show but failing miserably. In the end, I pulled out of the performance part of the show, being kicked from the line up altogether due to failing to meet contractual agreements. The headlines soon followed.
Alex Ryan KICKED from Jonathan Ross line up as she refuses to sing.
Diva: Alex Ryan gives conditions, and gets told where to go!
Alex Ryan - are we witnessing the downfall that many had foreseen?
Of course, the second the headlines dropped, I began ignoring every call that came through to my phone, except one. Except my Leah.
"Hey." I tried to keep my tone positive.
"Hi Al, eh - Alex. Thought you might need a shoulder."
"Nothing anyone can do, just wait for it to die down really." I sighed.
"What happened?"
"I just didn't want to sing, I don't have any songs."
"You have many songs." She chuckled.
"None of them feel honest anymore."
"They were honest at the time, that's what counts."
"They still -"
"Theo! Get down off the bench!" Leah interrupted, making me chuckle but ruining the moment I was trying to create.
Leah let me speak to the kids, knowing they were what I needed right now but not realising that she was too. Just the sound of her voice in the background was bringing me a comfort that no other person could bring, almost making me feel like I was back home with them, together. As bedtime approached, I had to hang up the phone, one of the things that had become my most hated moments, the other two being waving them goodbye when they left for their stay with Leah, and watching as Leah gave me that little smile as she got into the car along with them. Just the sheer sound of Leah's voice was enough to make me call Lydia, to fix this mess that had been created.
"Tell them I'll do it, tell them I'll sing. I have the song, tell the band I'll send them the music." I said bluntly.
"You're sure, Al? You have nothing to prove to these people." Lydia said comfortingly.
"I know. I have everything to prove to my family though, Lyds. Everything."
Just two days later, I was introduced to the stage, watching as the lights dimmed from the interview spot, lighting up the stage in a a red and white haze that I had selected to send a message to the person I knew would be watching from home with tears in her eyes.
I fell by the wayside like everyone else
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself
Our every moment, I start to replace
'Cause now that they're gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say
When you hurt under the surface
Like troubled water running cold
Well, time can heal, but this won't
So, before you go, was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather
So, before you go, was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go
Was never the right time, whenever you called
Went little by little by little until there was nothing at all
Our every moment, I start to replay
But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face
When you hurt under the surface
Like troubled water running cold
Well, time can heal, but this won't
So, before you go, was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather
So, before you go, was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go
Would we be better off by now
If I'd have let my walls come down?
Maybe, I guess we'll never know
You know, you know
Before you go, was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather
So, before you go, was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go
I nodded my head gently, a smile escaping my lips as the crowd began to cheer and echo around the room. Jonathan called me over to the sofas, congratulating me on another incredible performance. Production had already been prepped that I had selected questions I wouldn't answer, which mostly consisted of questions about my parents, and about Leah. Instead, for his final question he opted to ask a simple one.
"That new song, what inspired you to write it?"
"The belief that sometimes you can become so wrapped up in your own hurt, frustration and anger that you don't realise someone else is simply hurting too."
"Congratulations, Alex. Another unbelievable tune."
I headed home straight after the show, not wanting to join the others on the typical star studded night out that they were all attending after. I had two reasons for this; the first that I wasn't really in the mood to party, and the second that I half expected to hear from Leah after the show had aired. That text never came though.
Closing my eyes and falling asleep to the thought that my marriage really was over after all. I wondered if she was angry, angry that I had voiced my feelings about the ending to the entire world, maybe I should've text her but I didn't want to be that person.
Just an hour later, I woke to the sound of my phone ringing, the noise echoing around the room as I fumbled to see who it was. Aoife. I smiled at the idea that she was calling me during the night, knowing she obviously just wanted to hear my voice but the reality was about to be so much worse. The second the call connected I could hear Theo and Finn crying in the background, jolting me up from the bed and trying to find out what was going on whilst searching around the room for clothes to put on.
"What's wrong? What's happened?"
"Mummy is sick." Aoife cried.
"What do you mean sick? Where is she?"
"In the bathroom, she told me to call you. Grandma is on her way too but she says she just wants you."
"Okay, it's going to be alright. I'm on my way, okay?" I reassured her.
"Can you stay on the phone please mummy?" Theo cried in the background.
"Of course, put me on speaker Aoifs. I'll connect my phone to the car."
I drove as quickly as I could without breaking any laws, desperate to get to Leah and the kids as quickly as I could. Leah was a good sufferer, I knew that for her to let the kids see that she wasn't well meant that something was seriously wrong with her. I spoke to them the entire way, hearing Leah trying to reassure them in the background that she was okay, that she just needed me.
Amanda got there before me, already trying to distract the kids from the cries of Leah in the bathroom. She met me in the hallway, placing a hand onto my shoulder as she spoke.
"I can stay with the kids, she just wants you. She needs to go to hospital, Alex." She whispered.
"Okay." I nodded.
"I'll understand if you'd rather I took her, I know she isn't your responsibility as such anymore."
"She is - she always will be." I shrugged, seeing a slight smile and a deep breath escape Amanda's lips.
I knocked on the bathroom door, hearing Leah shout from the bedroom that she had moved in there. I rushed across the landing and found her trying to change from her pyjamas into clothes more appropriate for hospital.
"Le." I sighed, upset by the sight.
"Al, I don't know what's wrong with me." She sobbed.
"I'm here now, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. Well - maybe to the hospital with you." I chuckled gently, reaching for the clothes that she was attempting to put on.
"I think that's a good idea." She winced.
"Can I? I can get your mum if you'd rather." I asked, recognising that I would have to change her.
"No, you. Please." She whispered, grabbing hold of my arm.
Trying to be as respectful as possible, I got Leah changed into some shorts and a sweatshirt, wanting nothing more than to kiss her and tell her everything was going to be alright.
"Where exactly is sore, Le?"
"Here." She took my hand and placed it against her stomach, slightly to one side.
"Have you been sick?" I asked, noticing that she didn't move her hand from mine.
"Yeah. My whole body hurts."
"Let's get you to the car." I said, removing my hand and standing up to help her.
"Al?"
"Yeah, Le?"
"There was nothing you could've said to make my heart beat better, everything you said made it beat so perfectly."
"How did you see that?" I asked knowing she had been sick.
"Had it playing on my phone in the bathroom." She smiled, my eyes welling up.
We were taken straight through to a side ward at the hospital, a blood pressure cuff was attached to her arm and the doctors began their tests. It was obvious by the number of people in the room that this was more serious than we had initially hoped.
"When did the pain start?" The doctor asked.
"Just before 10pm." Leah winced again.
"Scale of 1-10?"
"10."
"Alcohol or drugs in the last 72 hours?"
"No."
"Any strenuous exercises?"
"No."
"Last period?"
"Months ago."
"Okay, any bleeding now? Could this be a period? Have you seen someone about your period?"
"No bleeding, I have endo so my periods are usually irregular."
"Okay. Does this feel worse than endo pain? Better?"
"Worse. Much worse."
"Last time you had sex?"
"Three months ago."
She hasn't been with anyone else, thank god. Focus Alex. That's not important.
"Could you be pregnant?"
"No."
"Any impact injuries to the stomach?"
"No."
"Any unexplained bruising?"
"No."
"We'll run some tests. It's probably best you don't eat anything, just incase it's anything that requires surgery. When did you have your last meal?"
"5/6pm."
"Okay. Rest up."
As the doctor left the room, Leah's tears began to fall again, the pain unbearable. She threw her head back into the pillow, holding onto her stomach and sobbing so much that the bed was shaking. I did the only thing I could think of, reached my hand out and intertwined my fingers with hers, not making eye contact incase it wasn't what she wanted; she did want it though, immediately squeezing my hand.
"I'm not going anywhere, Le. You know that, don't you?"
"I don't think I can do this without you, Al. I don't think I have the energy."
"I will find the energy for us both. You concentrate on getting some rest."
I stroked my thumb across hers, hoping to calm her down enough so she could at least rest, even if it was impossible to actually sleep.
"Al?" She whispered.
"Yeah?"
"Can you get in beside me? Please?"
Butterflies at the most inappropriate time.
I climbed onto the bed as gently as I could, pulling her head onto my shoulder slowly and feeling her body immediately relax. I placed my hand onto her stomach and rubbed across it gently, hoping that it would ease the pain slightly. A few moments later, the doctor returned insisting that he speak to Leah alone, recognising that we had told her upon arrival that we were separated, albeit not divorced. I didn't argue, just took my place in the corridor and nervously shifting in my seat for what seemed like days but was likely only minutes. It'll be okay. That's what the nurse said, what she didn't know was that I had heard that before, twice. Once when my mum died, and once when my dad died. Those words didn't mean anything to me anymore, they were empty. Pointless.
"Leah is asking for you." A voice said softly, placing a hand on my shoulder to reassure me.
The second I pushed the door open, Leah's eyes were watering faster than before. She held eye contact with me, not moving her eyes once as she shook her head from side to side.
Please, no. This can't be how our story ends.
"What did they say?" My voice quivered, my feet unable to move from halfway across the room.
"I -"
"Leah?" I asked again.
"Al, I -"
Why does this always happen to me?
"Leah, please. Just tell me. Whatever it is, we'll fix it. We'll do whatever we need to. Trials. Anything. Just please, tell me." I sobbed.
"I'm pregnant."
What?
"You're what?" I asked again.
"Pregnant."
Leah and I had our last IVF treatment four months ago, when the test was negative again a few weeks later we had given up. On our pregnancy dreams, and our relationship.
"How far gone?" I asked, my voice shaky.
I had to be sure she hadn't been with anyone else before I got excited. How embarrassing would that be?
"It's yours, Al." She chuckled through a sob.
I was frozen.
"Say something." She whispered.
How can something feel so right, and so wrong?
"Al?"
"That's amazing, Le. Really - really amazing." I tried to push back my own tears.
"Do you wish I wasn't?"
It was only when she asked this that I realised I was still stood in the same position, a huge distance away from her. I walked across the room, sitting on the edge of her bed and placed one hand onto her stomach, the other settling on the top of her head as I placed a kiss on her forehead. I felt every tense muscle in her body relax at the feeling of my lips on her skin after months.
"No, Le. I don't wish you weren't. Not one bit." I whispered.
"Me neither." She placed her hand on top of mine that lay on her stomach.
"What did they say about the pain?"
"They think it's a twisted ovary. They can fix it, but it'll need surgery. I have to have a scan to confirm it."
"Surgery? While you're pregnant?"
"I said that too. They said it's a risk, but I need the surgery or it could risk both of our lives."
"Oh, Le." I whispered, placing another kiss on her forehead without thinking.
Before long, they had confirmed that Leah did need surgery, and that she needed it urgently. We were informed of potential complications, hoping that the chances of any of them happening was slim. The biggest one being that she could lose the baby that we had only just found out about.
"Can you call mum and tell her?" Leah asked, her hands trembling at the fear.
"Of course."
"Al, one more thing?"
"Yeah?"
"If anything happens, you'll tell them everyday how much I love them, won't you?"
"Of course I will, Le, but you can tell them yourself, and this little one."
"What about you?" She asked, gazing into my eyes.
"What do you mean?"
"Do you know how much I love you?"
"I do. Just as much as I love you."
Leah was wheeled off for surgery, every part of me wishing I'd just bit the bullet and kissed her before they took her away. I was about to make the call to Amanda when I heard her voice asking for us at reception, my eyes looking up to meet hers. She didn't say anything, just wrapped her arms around me as tight as she possibly could at first.
"Where is she?"
"Surgery. Twisted ovary."
"Thank you, for being here." Amanda whispered.
"Amanda?"
"Yeah?"
"Leah's pregnant."
I saw Amanda's brain trying to comprehend what I had said, I knew she was wondering the same thing I had, even though both of us knew that Leah wasn't the type to have a one night stand, especially not with a man.
"Pregnant? With your baby?"
"Yes. My baby." I chuckled.
"I didn't know whether to say congratulations or not." She chuckled.
"I know."
"Why did you two end, Alex? What happened that was so awful that you two couldn't work through it?"
"I don't know. We lost our way, I guess."
"You didn't though, can't you see that?"
"What do you mean?"
"Losing your way, or growing apart, it makes the love go away. It doesn't have you running to her in the middle of the night, being the one to take her to hospital, looking at her the way you do when you drop the kids off. It doesn't have her rushing off from my house on a Sunday because your show is being played as a repeat for the 50th time but she wants to watch it anyway. I mean, look. You've still got your wedding ring on, and so does she."
"I didn't know how to tell her." I gulped.
"Tell her what?"
"I was so angry. At the world, at life, my life. I didn't know how to tell her that I didn't feel blessed, when we couldn't get pregnant. She kept saying we're blessed to have three healthy children. How could I tell her I didn't feel that way? I mean, of course we are. So why did I feel like my life was cursed?"
"Can I ask you something?" Amanda said, taking my hand in hers.
"Sure." I shrugged.
"Why do you have to be so strong? Why can't you just be someone that lost their parents, in cruel ways. Why can't you just allow yourself to be that person who deserves a little bit of extra care and attention?"
"Because then I've wasted it."
"Wasted what?"
"The life they gave me. If I spend from now until the end thinking of how unlucky I am, I've wasted it."
"Lucky people have bad luck too. You can feel lucky, and unlucky, all at once."
"You think?"
"I know. When Leah won the Euros, I felt lucky. Lucky that my daughter had achieved so much, I felt unlucky too though. Unlucky that life hadn't allowed me to have those things. It didn't mean that I wasn't grateful, or that I couldn't recognise all the good in my life. It just meant I had some past feelings that I needed to deal with."
"All I ever needed was Leah, and the kids."
"You always had them, Alex. You always had Leah. She never left. She never will."
"If I tell her that now though, it'll just seem like a massive cop out. Like I want her now because she can give me a baby, but I didn't want her before that."
"You wanna know what she said when I got there tonight?" Amanda nudged me.
"Yeah."
"I just need my Alex, once she's here I'll be okay."
"My Alex." I breathed out.
"Her Alex." Amanda smiled, wiping the tears from my cheeks.
Leah returned from surgery after a few hours, doctors telling Amanda and I that everything had gone well, and that there were no further complications expected. Amanda left, wanting to give us some time alone when she came round, likely hoping that we would patch things up. I sat beside her bed, admiring every part of her as I watched her chest rise and fall slowly. One hand holding hers, and the other stroking through her hair, savouring the feeling for as long as I could.
"You stayed." She mumbled as her eyes prised open.
"Always, Le."
"Is the baby okay?"
"Safely in there until it's time to come out." I smiled.
"Good." She croaked.
"I'm proud of you." I smiled.
"You might have to take the kids for a while, just until I'm back on my feet."
I guess it was presumptuous of me to assume this meant I would return home.
"Yeah. I could come back for a bit? Keep them in their own house? Just until you're back on feet."
"Yeah, if that's okay with you. They'd like that."
They'd like that. Not her.
"Okay, get some rest, Le. I'll be here when you wake up."
Six weeks, that's how long the doctor said it would take for Leah to be able to return to normal life. I had six weeks to show her that I should never have left, and more importantly, that I realised that long before I knew she was pregnant.