The Meeting

The Past

Silence filled the room for what was probably only 30 seconds but felt like forever.

"Le?" I asked nervously.
"Why would she tell you that?" Leah asked so quietly I could barely hear her.
"I don't know. Did you?" I asked again.
"Of course not!" Leah said defensively.

I knew it was a lie, she was a terrible liar but I wanted her to tell me the truth herself. I didn't want to keep accusing her until she told me.

"Okay." I said, kissing her cheek.

I got up and headed for the door to go downstairs, just as the light from the hallway filled the room I was stopped in my tracks.

"You know. You know I did." Leah whispered.
"I know." I said back, obvious upset in my voice.

I carried on downstairs, not wanting to stomach this argument right now. I was confused as to why I was only hearing about this now. I was confused as to why I had been left in the spare bedroom for 11 months over the letter. Leah stepped into the kitchen slowly, almost as if she hoped she was invisible. She rummaged through the drawer for painkillers and filled a glass of water.

"Are we going to talk about this?" She said as she popped the painkillers into her mouth.
"No." I said quietly.
"No?" Widening her eyes as she sipped the water.
"I think you and Harriet have caused this family enough pain, don't you?" Was all I could say before the door battered.

I opened the door was greeted with Aoife jumping into my arms as Lydia smiled and walked by me with Theo in his car seat.

"I missed you." Aoife said as she hugged me.
"I missed you more. Will we go see mummy?" I asked her, kissing her cheek as we walked.

As we approached Leah she got up from her chair and pulled Aoife and I into a three way hug. My stomach felt strange, the usual butterflies were filled with disgust but I didn't want to show it, not in front of the kids.

Once Lydia had gone home, the four of us had a lazy day. We watched Disney movies and done jigsaws, neither Leah nor I wanting to venture outside. Leah didn't take her eyes off me, pouring holes into the side of my head trying to judge my demeanour. I knew she had noticed my uneasiness every time her phone pinged, as much as I tried to hide it.

Several days passed like this, Leah asking if we could talk and me saying no. I couldn't bring myself to go through this again, I thought of what would happen with the kids if we separated, I thought of the fact that I didn't have my Dad down the road like Leah did, I thought of that interview I had done. It used to hurt to know that Leah was going to meetings with someone she had cheated on me with but now I had to know it was someone she had loved. I tortured myself, imagining the two of them in bed together, holding each other and saying I love you. My mind was constantly reverting back to that image, no matter how hard I tried.

As the days passed, the distance between Leah and I extended. After five days of false happiness around the kids, Leah arrived home from training early and burst through the front door.

"We need to talk." She said, her attitude sour.
"Not like that we don't, who do you think you're speaking to like that?" I said.
"You." Leah snapped.
"Grow up, Leah." I scoffed back.
"Grow up? You have avoided this for days. I've asked to talk so many times and all I get is 'no', 'not now' or ignored. How do we get through this if you won't even speak to me?" Leah said, throwing her hands about in the air with every word.
"I don't want to. I don't want to hear about it, think about it or even acknowledge it's existence. For 11 months you made me feel like shit about that letter. You allowed me to bare my soul to the world, to grovel to you. For a letter that I had written when we weren't even together. One I never sent. Over a girl that left me because I refused to tell her I loved her when I was so in love with you. Months we had been apart Leah, and still I refused to allow myself to love someone else." Leah's back was up. I could tell by her face, her body language.
"Well maybe you should've." She scoffed.
"Don't be so ridiculous, Leah. I'm not doing this when you're like this. I get nowhere with you when you're defensive."

I grabbed my car keys, not wanting to be around her for a second longer. My body ached as I began to drive off, my eyes tired from holding in the tears for the last few nights. I didn't know where I was going, I just wanted my mum. A mum. Any mum. I kept driving until I pulled up at Amanda's. I knew it seemed unfair to involve her mum in this, she wasn't my mum to involve but in this moment it was between speaking to the closest thing I had to a mum right now and completely breaking down.

As soon as Amanda saw my car in the drive, it was like she knew. She came to the door as I walked towards it and held her arms out to me, pulling me into the tightest hug I'd experienced for a while and leading me inside.

"Alex, what on earth has happened? Does Leah know you're here?" Amanda said, still with her arm wrapped around my shoulder.
"No. I'm sorry, I didn't know where else to go." I said as the tears broke loose from my eyes.
"You have no need to apologise. Have you two had a fight?" Amanda asked.
"Yes. She loved her." I cried.
"She loved who?" Amanda said, now confused.
"Harriet. She loved Harriet. Why didn't she tell me she loved her?" I said, my voice trembling as I spoke.
"Did Leah tell you that?" Amanda asked.
"No. Well kind of. I didn't ask." I said, stumbling over my words.
"How do you know then?" She asked, kissing the top of my head in a reassuring manner.
"Harriet said that Leah told her. So I asked Leah. She lied at first but then she said she did." I said, my heart breaking as I thought of it again.
"Can I ask you something?" Amanda whispered.
"Sure." I replied.
"Did you ask her if she meant it?" Amanda whispered again.
"Why would you say it if you didn't?" I sniffled.
"Oh Alex, you're so pure. This world doesn't deserve you, do you know that?" Amanda said, clearly stunned by my belief that everyone that said I love you meant it.

Amanda knew what I needed, even if I was older now. She draped a blanket over me, handing me the tv remote and disappeared for a few minutes before coming back with hot chocolate and sitting beside me as I giggled at the tv. I hadn't even noticed the time passing until the 10pm news began.

"I should go home, Leah will be worried." I said as I stood up.
"Leah knows where you are, pet." Amanda said as she too stood up.
"Oh, I didn't realise you'd text her." I laughed.
"After 5 missed calls from her, I thought I'd better." She laughed back.
"Oh." I mumbled, thinking Leah would be too busy huffing to concern herself.
"She loves you, Alex. She was a mess back then but not one second passed when she didn't love you." Amanda said confidently.
"Do you think it's possible to love two people at once then?" I asked.
"No, I think it's possible to get caught up in a state of escapism but I don't believe you can love two people at the same time." Amanda said as she hugged me once more.
"Thanks, Amanda." I smiled.

As I walked down the driveway to my car, I felt like I was ready to talk to Leah. I worried she would be annoyed that I had gone to her mum but I would tell her that I had no choice. Just as I opened my car door, Amanda spoke again.

"Alex?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm here any time you need a mum. Always." She smiled.

With that last comment, my cold heart grew warm again. Now I just needed to find out what on earth was going through Leah's head back then.