Sadly, sometimes it is too late. That's the thing about time. It never stops. Once it pass you can never have it back.
Every single thought was going through Anthony's head. It was gnawing on his mind like a parasite.
Charlie, Vagie and Husk had been asking him what's wrong. But it's hard to explain when even he himself can't wrap his mind around it.
Because nothing was wrong but nothing was also right.
It's so difficult to hold on and wait for something you know would never happen- but you know what?, it's even harder to give up when it's everything you've ever wanted.
Deep down inside he hopes even if he had every reason to give up.
And amidst his contemplation. There was a short knock outside of his door.
His neck must have snapped as he quickly ran to the direction of the noise and began to listen intently.
There was another knock and another that followed it.
His palms were sweaty when he turned the doorknob open. His lips were dry and his mouth tasted like sandpaper so he coughs to let his guest know that he is present at the room.
There were no noise that followed it. So he clears his throat again and this time he speaks. "What do you want?"
"May I come in"
"You can't"
There was once again silence. Anthony mentally scolded himself for acting a bit rude and cutting the conversation short. So Anthony closes the door, leans his back on the frame and sighs.
"May I speak with you?" His voice made him flinch, being taken a back that he still haven't left.
"Is your silence a sign of approval, then?"
Anthony bit his lip, "maybe"
He opens the door again but not entirely, he only left a small gap to enable him to hear his voice more clearly.
He could hear shuffling and movements, he could hear how Alastor took a quick breath and exhaled. And when he began to speak, he truly hoped he had covered his ears.
"Anthony...I am in love with you."
He forgot to breathe for a moment.
"Don't say that- don't even- you can't say things you don't mean Alastor!" He could feel the skipping beat of his heart and the higher tone of his voice.
"I was the only one who was in love. And
you were never supposed to mean this much to me-I was never supposed to fall so hard. But you know what? I did and that's the truth, that's what keeps me holding on because it hurts like hell to just pretend I don't feel anything for you anymore. But I think it's time I let you go."
He bit the bottom of his lips, it was becoming hard to talk, his voice was breaking and he could still feel the rapid beating of his heart but he continued on.
"And that's so hard to do because a part of me will always be in love with you for the rest of my life.
Because, what if I never learn to forget about you? What if, all my life, when I meet someone new, I can never fall for them because they're not you?"
".....Then please allow me to take responsibility."
The blonde male clenched on the hem of his shirt. Placing his other hand to the doorknob and then he fully opens the door of his room. He didn't have the courage to look the demon in the eye so he stares down on the floor.
Anthony smiled bitterly, "I really wish that was the exact same thing you've said when I first confessed to you."
There were silent tears dripping down his face. Even now, Alastor's intention he does not know. Even now he is still everything Anthony could ever think about. Even now he is still feeling the pain. And even now he still thinks of him as the greatest because a single mishap couldn't change the fact that Alastor did still save him on various occasions he could have been killed, even if he didn't do it for him.
"I confessed and I felt the pain of the rejection, I picked up my shattered pieces and put them back together again. But maybe I did pretend that I don't care anymore. I do. I do still have feelings for you. I do still fucking love you. But the hurt, the day dreaming, the what ifs, the self doubt. I can't go through that again." He closes his eyes, letting another tear escape.
"And maybe I quickly gave up. But what else is there to do? You gave up as well didn't you? Since what reason was there for you to be here so late that I almost gave up on seeing you for one last time too."
"Indeed."
Anthony let out a gasp of disbelief. He was offended. He felt like a fool once more. He looks up and met the demon in the eye and glared at him like he was sending daggers in his mind.
"Is that all? Is that all you really have to say to me? I feel stupid, I really thought you gave a shit about me. Still haven't learn the lesson, have I?"
"I did not want to say something I would regret, I do apologize for the delay."
"Alastor!" He cries, "Can't you- can't you just be honest to me for once? Can't you just tell me what your thinking and what you're exactly feeling right now?"
He was so breathless from talking, from yelling, from spouting all the feelings he had bottled up for a month.
He stares at the radio demon as he awaits for his response. And maybe still he is somewhat hoping for the impossible since he knew that whatever reasons or excuse he had prepared for him. It wouldn't be enough for Anthony to be swayed so easily again.
"I adore you" He clenched and unclenched his teeth. His brows were furrowed. His face a mixture of regret and grief.
"The moment you smiled I felt like I had found something- a light in this dark place. I wanted it to be mine and mine alone. And I was ashamed to admit that I was terrified.
I was plunged into this darkness, into hell, to suffer and pay for my sins. And I thought of you as my salvation but it became twisted and I pretended and poisoned my mind to believe that you were only my mere entertainment.
I may have realized it far too late, this feelings I have for you. And maybe you are right to assume I quickly gave up. Still, I was in despair, and I did not want to get my hopes up. Because in the end, I know, we would part ways and you would choose to leave and go to the very place where I cannot follow you."
Anthony was too stunned to speak for a moment.
"But...why did you come here still and say you love me?"
"I did not want for you to go, without knowing that I did not care for you, you have been truly precious to me. The time we both spent together, just the two of us, I would certainly have it engraved in my mind. And maybe the reason I just cannot let you go like this, because deep inside maybe I still hope."
"Hope..... for what?"
"It really do sound ridiculous, isn't it?" He grimaced, "I am mostly curious, however, for the reason the universe would bring two people together only to tear them apart. It is cruel."
Anthony could not look away from him nor can he stop his mouth from speaking what was on his mind.
"Because the moments in between were worth every ounce of pain.
I learned a lesson from every person I met, they taught me things and some was in the hard way-they taught me what pain and hurt feels like and most especially how to love, live, and hope.
So maybe the universe is too cruel for us to be separated. But you know what, Al?
I'm still glad it made me meet you. At the very least our paths have crossed."
Alastor stared at Anthony, stared at his dazzling bright emerald eyes, stared at his shining blonde locks, stared at his perfectly curved lips, and most importantly he stared at Anthony's smile. His sunlight in this hell. He could not help but grin as well.
So he stares at him until he begins to be aware of his disappearing figure, like a part of him was only smoke.
"I wish for you then a safe journey and a happy life. I wish for your eternal happiness." Even if I would not be the reason for it.
"I do hope you would choose someone that you would spend the rest of your life with." Even if, I longed that it would still be us in the end.
Almost half of the blonde's being had been consumed in smoke. It was only a matter of time until he leave and disappear.
Alastor for the first time in his life in the underworld, was mustering up courage.
"I'll be waiting for you in our next life time."
He was only a few spaces apart from Anthony, and so, reluctantly, he took Anthony's wrist, and kissed the back of his hand.
"Till then, I would try to be a better match for you."
Anthony's blood rushed to his cheeks. And Alastor did not hesitate to let out a sigh of relief.
Anthony looked perfect in red as always.
"See 'ya around, smiles"
That was the last of his voice that Alastor would be able to hear again. Time does not wait for no one. And Anthony has now completely vanished and Alastor had been the only one left in his room.
He was standing still and silently.
Until he let out a breath and clutched his chest. It was beating really hard, and it was exceedingly painful. This was the very first moment he felt a sudden rush of different emotions, joy, regret, sadness, and maybe a bit of hope.
Because still, he took Anthony's farewell as a promise that they would soon meet again.
"I like to think that our story isn't over just yet, that someday we'll meet again and finally get it right."
-faraway