During the second break I didn't go to the cafeteria but mounted the stairs until I was on the third floor.
The music room should be empty now which was why I could do something and not get disturbed.
Although it was cold outside, in this small room was still the old musky warm air. A slight smile appeared on my lips as I thought about my old memories. We often practiced in this smelly room.
Sometimes we sat here until the late evening and did something. Sometimes we practiced or wrote a song and lined out covers for songs. Or we only sat in a circle and laughed.
But I wasn't a part of that anymore and I didn't want to be a part again. It was something from my past and I couldn't be the member they wanted me to be.
I closed the door behind me and walked over to the electric guitars. I had one of my own, but I didn't know where it was. Probably somewhere in the basement of our house.
My hand automatically grabbed the black guitar and I connected it with the amplifier. I only played some chords just to look if the guitar was tuned. And it was – Flora always looked after that with the eyes of an eagle.
They were only random chords, but it already sounded like a bewitching melody to my ears.
My eyes looked over to the connected microphone.
I didn't need to sing; I could only stand before it.
Heavily my legs brought me over to the microphone. With trembling fingers, I touched the strings and breathed deeply in and out.
The room was soundproof, and I was thankful for that. A melody appeared in my head and my fingers began to dance. It felt different to play on an electric guitar instead of a normal one. More free – almost wild.
I lifted my head and normally I would start to sing but I could only open my mouth. No sound left my body. My play stopped and I stood there frozen up. I wanted to hit myself for my dumbness.
Why even try if I was already aware of the results?
Since I left the band, I stopped singing. Not because I wanted to but because I couldn't do it anymore. If I tried to sing, no sound left me.
One time I froze up so hard that Sean and Zack needed to hit me with their vampire strength to get me out of my trance. The result was a broken jawbone that healed after some time.
But that I even fell into such a condition made it even harder to try to sing now.
»That sounded good. Why didn't you sing?«
Shocked, I flinched and turned around just to see Lucien leaning against the wall with crossed arms. His quiet soles were a damn curse.
»Because I can't sing.« I put the guitar back in its place and cut off the amplifier.
»I wouldn't say that. Cassian always liked your voice when he heard you sing,« the redhead said and crooked his eyebrows.
»Listen, shrink. You are the Delta and also responsible for the mental condition of the pack members. But I think you didn't listen to me. I can't sing, not anymore.«
Confused, he frowned and pushed himself off the wall. »Are you serious? You can't sing anymore?« Did I talk in Chinese?
»Again, for you,« I snarled.
»I. Can. Not. Sing. Anymore.« I pronounced every single word clearly so even a stupid person could understand.
»Try again. You normally can sing. You only need to get over your mental blockade,« he tried to cheer me up which only backfired.
»Lucien, listen to me clearly. I won't get angry quickly and the situation from this morning escalated a little bit. But the last time someone told me: 'Try again' I ended up with a broken jaw because I couldn't get out of a trance. I can't and won't sing anymore! You get it?!«
Snorting, I forcefully opened the door and ran down the stairs. In the process, I almost rammed into Flora who just came up the stairs. With wide eyes she stared at me as I dodged right before her and ran down the stairs without stopping.
Just vague I heard her asking, »What did you do?«
And Lucien's shocked answer, »He can't sing anymore...«
Almost right away when I arrived at the ground floor my fury faded away.
Coming back was a mistake. If I hadn't come back, I wouldn't have met Cassian, wouldn't be confronted with all those problems and wouldn't be in the situation where I couldn't control my feelings anymore.
On one hand I felt this disgusting emptiness, just like I would have no emotions at all. But then there was the uncontrollable fury and sadness that swept everything away with it and messed everything up.
And at the end there was the connection with Cassian that forced things on me I would never do on my own.
»Kyran?« Startled, I looked up and stared into green eyes.
Worried he furrowed his eyebrows and eyed me. »Is everything okay? You look... confused.«
I was confused.
Everything was too much. I didn't want this anymore. Didn't want those confusing feelings anymore.
Slightly I shook my head and passed him.
How should I be the Luna of the pack if I couldn't even handle myself? Generally, how could I be a Luna? I wasn't capable of carrying his children. Well, I wasn't interested in that, but didn't he think about it at all?
He needed to get a woman pregnant even if it would be artificial. However, that child wouldn't be my child. We would live together and set up a loving family that wasn't real. It would be fake.
The child would tell everyone in his school about his amazing father and mother – who he or she may never get to know – and then about me. The man who lived with them, and was only there because of the kind of forced marriage.
Back then, I always hoped I could have an Omega as my mate. I wanted children - I loved them. But I wanted children of my own blood, not adopted or through artificial insemination.
Wanted children between me and the person I loved from the depths of my heart and soul – my mate or husband I choose for myself.
I wanted to be a proper father who loved his children and watched them grow up. Wanted to be together with my mate when our children introduced their mate to us. Wanted to see them get into kindergarten, school, and graduate at the end.
In the evenings I wanted to sing something to them. Wanted to cook together with my mate and cuddle on the couch in the evening while we would watch some random TV shows. Wanted to give something to my mate on our anniversary.
I wanted to do so much that I now couldn't do anymore.
No, I was just the stupid defective Beta who was suddenly announced Luna and that couldn't even get pregnant. Just what was wrong with me?
Abruptly, I got stopped by a hand around my wrist. »Hey, what's wrong with you?«
Confused, I turned my head to Cassian whose eyes went wide. Tightly he wrapped his arms around me and pushed my head against his shoulder while he just held me in his arms.
Quietly my tears ran down my cheeks and wet Cassian's upper clothes. Sighing, he buried his nose in my hair and stroked my back softly.
»Who should I kick in the butt?«
I pushed myself out of his arms and wiped my teary eyes with my sleeve.
»Me.« Bitterly I laughed and ruffled my hair.
»I'm barely back and everything goes down the drain again. And just now I wish the Alpha of the other pack would have killed me or my sickness claimed my life.« Tears were still running down my cheeks.
»I'm such a good-for-nothing.«
»Hey!« Firmly, Cassian grabbed my wrists and looked at me with angry eyes.
»Stop saying that! Yes, maybe everything seems like shit right now but then make the best out of it! Destiny wanted it like that so somehow and somewhere it should make sense! To think of something like death shouldn't even appear in your head, Kyran! Do you understand?!«
Tormented, I looked up to him and felt how just now a single tear rolled down my cheek. Sympathetic, he lifted his hand and touched my cheek to whip my tears away before he spoke again.
»Sorry, I didn't want to talk so loud. But don't talk like that. You aren't a good-for-nothing, Kyran. You can do much more than others could ever do. Your grades are fantastic, you can swim like a world champion, you played in a band and probably still have many fans and you have an amazing voice. You can handle so much shit while other would rather be broken. It wasn't planned that you would be my mate, I know that, but now it is what it is. We can fight, gladly, but we are bonded to each other for the rest of our lives. We can only make the best out of it or unnecessary torment us until the end.«
Because of his words I could only twist my expression and lower my head.
»You are wrong. My grades are only good because I learn out of frustration to distract me. Maybe I can swim but I can't sing anymore. And I also can't handle all this shit. Make the best out of it, you say? How should I make the best out of it when I can't think of anything other than that I'm defective? I'm born as a Beta, I should have never gotten sick. And now I'm your Luna, how should that work out? I can't give you offspring! It's the most important task for the Luna to give their Alpha an offspring so the pack has a next leader. I'm a man, a Beta and not an Omega. What are you going to do then? You need to get a woman pregnant. It wouldn't be my child and I couldn't accept it as my own knowing that. I would only be the forced marriage partner who is in the way! What is the point of me being your mate if I can't even fulfill my role? On top of that we hate each other. Everything is just too confusing for me. I don't want to feel good when you touch me. All those feelings are just forced upon me because of this goddamn bond! I only feel anger and sadness since I'm back and I can't even control both of those feelings. I just want to stop this shit show. I don't want to only feel anger, sadness, and this stupid emptiness. And this stupid bond makes it even harder than it already is! I just don't know what to do anymore!«
Desperately my tears were running down my cheeks. It felt good to scream out my frustration but with what point? It would change nothing.
»Then... Then... Then I decide that there will be no heir for the pack. And we will find a way to get everything under control. So, you can finally feel normal again. Our bond isn't stupid, but we need to learn to handle it because of our past relationship. But if we want to handle our bond we need to work together. It will never be perfect because there will be something between us forever... However, we need to give our best. You know, we just don't know what to do together. We just need to sit down for a moment and after a while we stand up together to find a way.«
Through my blurry sight I looked at him.
Did he seriously mean it?
It almost sounded like he wanted to tell me he liked me and that we would find a way so everything would turn out good. He sounded nothing like the Cassian I knew. Like a love blinded fool that wanted to ignore all his responsibilities just to be together with the one he loved.
»I...«
»You don't need to say anything. I will take you home. Like that you can't go to the next lesson.« He took my hand and dragged me out of the building and to his car. There he pushed me inside and sat down behind the wheel.
»We still have 20 minutes of the break left. It shouldn't stand out that I left for some time. I will tell them when I'm back that you felt unwell.« Tiredly, I nodded and stared out of the window while he drove through our hometown.
He behaved differently. Protective and caring. Maybe Elli was right, and he really changed in those two years. However, could a human change so much that one could stop hating them?
He stopped in front of my home and got out of the car with me. Until we stopped at the door, he was right by my side. Carefully he looked down at me.
»Can I leave you alone in this state?« he asked and made me nod. Hesitantly, he lifted his hand and ran his fingers through my hair while I closed my eyes at his touch. »If something happens, call me. I will bring you your bag later.«
Thankfully, I nodded and opened the door. Slowly I waved and he did so back until I closed the door behind me. Sighing I leaned against the door and slowly slid it down.
It was the second day, and I ran away again. That went totally great.
»Kyran?«
Dad came confused into the hallway and squatted down in front of me »What are you doing here already?«
»Skipping school,« I croaked. I didn't want to talk about it.
»Did the Alpha say something about my friends and the house they will stay in?« I wanted to distract myself somehow and if I could go to that house to look at the rooms it would be the perfect distraction.
»Uhm, yes, he did. He also gave me the key for it,« Dad said while frowning.
»Can you give the key to me? I want to look at the house and bring my things over.«
»You want to live with your friends as long as they stay here?«
Affirmative, I nodded and Dad sighed. »Pack your things. I get the key from my office and drive you there.«
I packed my stuff into my suitcase and was ready in a few minutes and waited in the hallway with my guitar case on my back and my suitcase in one hand.
Dad drove me with his car to the house which was secluded from the village and a bit into the forest. We needed to drive over a bumpy gravel road until we stopped in front of a big house. It was so big that it would have enough space for all of my Canadian friends.
»Here is the key. Call me if something happens or you need me,« Dad said before he drove off again.
For a moment, I watched him and then walked up the wooden stairs. All around the house was a porch in American style. The key fits into the lock of the door.
Everything was light and homely arranged. Next to the front door were the stairs to the next floor and right in front of me was a long hallway to get to the living room and kitchen which were in one big space.
One wall was full of windows that went from floor to ceiling and it granted the beautiful view of the forest. Until the forest began there was a slightly larger lawn.
I opened one of the windows that worked like doors too, so fresh air could fill the house.
Afterwards, I looked at everything on the ground floor including the living room and kitchen plus two bedrooms. One of them was with a double bed. Both of the rooms had a bathroom.
There was more to see on the second floor. Seven rooms, two with double beds. In every room was a bathroom. It was normal because if this were a house for a conference with other packs and they needed to stay here they wouldn't use one bath together.
I chose the single room at the end of the hallway as my room. I didn't go to the basement or the ladder up to the attic for now.
All of a sudden, I heard a loud noise from downstairs and looked flustered. I was alone, or not?
Quietly I crept down the stairs and followed the noises towards the living room. Puzzled I looked around but couldn't see anything, just my guitar case that was laying on the ground.
I lifted it up and leaned it against the kitchen island. And then, all of a sudden, something red jumped at me and let me fall to the ground.