Jungkook
Yoongi spread the papers on the kitchen counter as I grabbed a water bottle from the fridge. He had followed me into the kitchen. What was Sunday and what was free time in this house? Some words in the dictionary, that's what they were.
"I don't even understand why he refrained from hiring a financial advisor for his business for so long." my brother shook his head. Even though this was not his dream job, he was one of the best at it.
Although we had both attended the same university, I knew that he had always had other plans for the future, even if he knew that they would only remain dreams. Sometimes there were days I felt bad for taking his rightful position as COO, despite knowing he had no desire for it anyway.
"That's where pride takes him," I added my two cents after taking a big gulp. "If Reva hadn't mentioned it in conversation, I wouldn't have known it was that bad myself."
"And he still has the audacity to belittle us because we have a lower stock dividend than Steinberg Security." he flipped through the papers and slid one over to me. "Look at this."
"Honestly, Mr. Steinberg can suck my balls." I dismissed as I eyed the asset price over the past few years. "I wouldn't even be looking in his direction if he didn't hold so much social influence."
It was true. I was glad we had gained a new client and one with great significance to boot. Steinberg Security provided many high society clients with security devices like cameras and alarm systems.
Admittedly, I hadn't expected Reva to get involved in the business that night, but her input was valuable nonetheless. I was able to throw bait through her, and Steinberg caught it like an animal at the zoo, saving his butt without having to worry about a social fallout.
Company policy. What we did with our clients stayed in the company.
"I'm going to sort through all the documents, scan them, and forward them to you by mail," Yoongi said, ignoring my previous statement, though I knew he agreed on the inside. "Because he has a meeting with father next week."
"Thank you," I said appreciatively. "I'll especially need any documentation from any insurance policies he's taken out in the last few months or years."
"Yeah, I know." he nodded.
We continued to strategically discuss our starting point. Usually, we never did this in the kitchen because either our maids were buzzing around or our mother told us to do it in the study.
Sometimes we complied. Oftentimes we didn't. Not to be catty, because she loved to be bossy and I felt the need to do the exact opposite. Just my way of handling things.
I crossed my legs at the ankles and leaned my hip against the counter as I watched Reva step into the kitchen over Yoongi's shoulder while my brother was still talking business.
She seemed to ignore our presence and our conversation about boring but important matters as she made a straight beeline to the fridge and just like me, took out only a water bottle.
Black clothes hugged her body and her nose was flushed, which only made me guess that she had just gotten home. When I had awakened this morning, grumbling about my stiff neck, I saw the bed already empty.
I wasn't a person who slept in late, as I was used to getting up early my whole life to get things done, but it was a surprise to be the one who woke up later for a change. Not that Reva stayed in bed for long, but I never saw her awake earlier than me.
Yoongi stopped talking to look over his own shoulder because he realized my eyes were fixed elsewhere and I wasn't listening to him anyway. Reva's stern gaze was narrowed as she shoved another bottle that had fallen out back into the fridge with a little more force than was necessary. Still not recognizing us.
"Gentle." I tried to get her attention, but instead of a snarky remark as usual, she just shot me a sour look.
If there was anything I enjoyed, it was pissing her off. It was so easy because she was a hot-tempered woman. So I never knew what her reaction would be to certain things. Sometimes our energies matched. Today it seemed to differ.
But apparently I didn't know what restraint was. "You look like you have 99 problems." I said.
"Yeah, and you're all of 'em," she muttered under her breath as if she didn't want me to hear it.
"Ouch." sarcastically placing my hand on my chest, I continued. "Definitely matching mood with your goth-vibed clothes today."
The moment she turned to face us, I got a clearer view of a bit of mascara smeared under her left eye. I didn't know if it was on purpose or if she just wasn't aware.
"Not today, Jungkook," she snapped. Her voice was rough as she turned and headed out of the kitchen.
"Why?" I chuckled. In the corner of my eye, I could see Yoongi shaking his head. Of all the people, Yoongi was probably the one who knew the most how fake this marriage was. So it wouldn't hurt if I teased my spouse next to him. "I was just—"
Reva turned back abruptly and the evil look in her eyes intensified. Something else swam in them as well, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. "I said not today, Jungkook! Leave me alone!"
To say it stunned me was probably an understatement because I had never witnessed Reva like that before. She didn't waste another second in the kitchen with us and I watched her walk up the stairs.
It was always one step forward, but then ten steps back with her. Every time we managed to create a decent atmosphere to make living together comfortable for both of us, something would happen to make us drift apart.
My eyebrows drew together with the annoyance and anger bubbling in my chest. I ran my tongue along my inner cheek because the small banter hadn't turned out the way I thought it would.
After staring daggers into the staircase, I turned back to Yoongi, who was still standing in front of me. But his expression had changed.
"You don't know when to stop, do you?" he asked, his own irritation showing clearly.
I knew that Reva and Yoongi had developed some sort of friendship, or whatever they called it, with each other. I was not blind to see. Or to smell the way Reva's clothes always reeked a bit of smoke when she came back into the bedroom.
It rubbed me the wrong way for some unknown but very present reason and I stared back at Yoongi. It was not his business to interfere and certainly not to lecture me.
"You don't know the connection between us," I shot back without revealing much about our relationship. Bickering was everyday life for us.
My brother seemed more upset than usual. "I don't care if you're an asshole to us..." he rumbled. I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes because this wasn't about my family. "And I don't know what connection you two have, but at least be decent to her on a day like this."
I tilted my head to the side in confusion. "A day like this? What do you mean?"
Yoongi shook his head, a disappointed smile on his face that suggested he actually wanted to punch the shit out of me. Then he sighed. "It's the anniversary of her mother's death."
I couldn't stop my eyes from widening the slightest. Fuck. As soon as Yoongi said those words, I knew I had gone too far. Why Reva had reacted that way. And why my brother was mad at something I didn't think he understood.
My jaw clenched. I turned to where she'd disappeared a few minutes ago. "It's today?"
"Yeah. She was at the cemetery. Thought you knew." he muttered.
Well, I didn't. And I didn't know whose fault it was that I didn't know. Mine for not asking, though I didn't know if people even asked such things. Or that of those who had brought us into a marriage where we knew absolutely nothing about each other.
But I knew for sure that I had fucked up and that I had to remedy it. How, I had yet to figure out.
I blew out a breath before walking upstairs myself. The bedroom was empty when I swung open the door and there was only one other place she could be, where she had privacy because no one went there.
I hesitated at the door that led to the open space and considered whether it was a good idea to talk at that moment. It felt like I was about to walk into a den of vipers. Not that I was comparing Reva to a poisonous snake. I didn't even know what I was thinking.
Pushing open the heavy door, I was enveloped by the cold evening air. It was not yet dark, but the sun was already setting on the horizon behind the trees. Spring would follow soon, that much the colors in the sky indicated.
And there she was sitting. On one of the loungers, staring off into the distance somewhere. I was unsure if she'd heard the door open and close, but she didn't react. So I took careful steps in her direction, scratching the back of my head.
I wanted to back off from attempting this because I had no idea if she would yell me into leaving anyway. But her hunched shoulders told me she didn't have the energy or the desire to do so.
Contemplating whether to clear my throat to make my presence known, I decided against it and quietly sat down in the lounger next to her. I sensed the tension in her and just before she rose, I grabbed her by the wrist.
Feeling how cold her hands were, I looked at the side of her face. "If you want me to leave, I will. I came here because of what happened a few minutes ago."
She still didn't look at me and puffed out a breath. "I don't need your apology."
"I know you don't," I said softly, and she slowly pulled her wrist from my grip to wrap her arms around her body. A defense mechanism I knew too well.
I never knew what Reva was thinking or feeling. And frankly, I had never been interested in finding out. But at that moment everything seemed to be exposed, even though she was trying so hard to hide it under a facade. She was hurting, that was clear.
"I can't imagine what it's like," I whispered. Despite my tendencies to assholery, I wasn't a complete rock with no emotions. I felt like everyone did, only I was more careful in showing it. "I didn't know it was today. I'm sorry for your loss."
Reva pressed her lips together and stared at the pattern of concrete slabs that stretched across the roof. I kind of expected her to make me leave, which she didn't. Maybe I had said the right things after all.
Why I was still sitting here looking up at the ever-darkening sky in silence with her was beyond me. I had been sincere and honest with my condolences, but somehow the urge to wait still overcame me. For what, that would show.
Seconds and minutes passed and only the soft breathing from beside me could be heard. For some reason, it was peaceful and soothing, though the situation still carried a heaviness. An emptiness that neither of us could fill. But we were both okay with it.
When her birthday came around a few days ago, I had asked her if she wanted to go out, but she had said she just wanted to spend time with her family. I understood because birthdays were insignificant in this house also. It was just a day that added another number to your age.
No presents, no birthday party. But I guessed it was no different in her old home because she hadn't come back to the bedroom that evening with bouquets or any gifts.
I knew how Reva's mother had died and maybe that was the reason why she didn't attach any significance to her birthday. I wondered what kind of woman she had been and what role she would play in our marriage today if she were alive.
"Do you think she would have liked me?" I asked after what felt like an eternity. Maybe it was a silly question to ask, but I was curious. Surely Reva as a daughter must have been told something about her.
I felt distant gray orbs that traveled icily on my skin but left warmth where they landed. And then they were gone. In the corner of my eye, I saw her shoulders rise with a shrug.
"I don't even know if she would have liked me." her voice was small, though laced with derision. It was a new side to Reva that I was discovering. And I didn't know what I thought of it yet.
Was it appropriate for me to add my two cents? My mouth opened to suggest that all mothers liked their children, but I hadn't found the truth behind those words myself to believe them, which was why I closed my lips.
Maybe my mother had a different way of showing it because not everyone could be expected to have the same actions and reactions. I had gotten used to it and was not eager to change it.
And thinking about my mother actually reminded me of the fight we had had weeks ago. It had been unnecessary and spiteful, to say the least. Both of our attitudes had brought out our ugly sides and I had to admit that I had said things I hadn't meant.
And when she had said you're welcome instead of yelling or showing any sign of breathless and all-consuming anger, I knew the conversation was over and probably never to be brought up again.
Now I understood how wrong it was. Reva's mother was dead. There was nothing to be said past that and bringing it up in an argument was why we hadn't spoken for days.
Reva had never held a grudge against me, though she had every right to. But seeing her try to stand up for me against my own mother had made me feel as if she had taken away my opportunity to do so.
Maybe it had been well-intentioned. Maybe it was just a ridiculous attempt to upset my mother. I wasn't blind to see that the two of them didn't get along. And took every chance they could to show each other exactly that.
In fact, that had been one reason why I married her in the first place. My mother had complained on more than one occasion that Reva had a mind of her own, so I knew she was the only one who would never let herself be talked down to.
When she did everything just the opposite of expected despite my mother's complaints, I kept seeing a part of me in her. She was strong and stubborn and so I didn't have to worry about Jeon Hayun finding a new person to bend to her will.
Still, it was strange to have someone stand up for me. I was not used to it. I always managed on my own. Protected my siblings more than they were aware of or would ever know. Gave every part of me to comply with what was expected of me. And I was committed to doing it for a very long time.
I took a deep breath to say the words that were long overdue. "Reva. Because of what I said to you back then. You know, about your mother and all that—"
"Don't," she stopped me before I could even finish my sentence. "I hate to admit it, but your words made me realize something."
I was taken aback, but I didn't show it. "What?" I asked instead in a steady voice.
"You acted like an insensitive asswipe saying all that," she stated, and I had to stifle a smile. She was right. "But... you weren't entirely wrong." she sighed, rubbing a hand down her throat. She wasn't crying, but I wasn't sure she was holding it in. "I am letting her have more control over my life than is healthy."
I thought about her words. Let them sink in. I wasn't completely sure what she meant by that, but oddly enough, I could relate. Not because a dead person had control over my life, but alive was the same way. I waited for her to elaborate.
"When we were at her grave, I watched my father. How he reminisced about everything they went through together." a sad expression spread across her soft features. "Tear after tear rolled down his cheeks and I just stood there. Dry eyes and a blank face."
Although her voice was steady, I could detect a slight wavering. Losing someone beloved had to be hard, that much I could assume. But losing someone without having known them had to be confusing.
What was one supposed to feel, anyway? Grief for a person you didn't even know what their touch felt like? Or longing because you never had that role in your life and that created an unfillable void in your existence?
I understood her, even though I didn't.
And that was the most vulnerable Reva had ever been next to me. Did she trust me so that she shared her feelings with me? Or did she see me as a mere presence because it was better than speaking into emptiness?
"All my life I wondered what kind of person she was. I'm supposed to know her." she continued, now more stiff and distant, voice breaking toward the end.
"But in truth, you don't. You assume how she would have acted based on your father's stories. And you build your life on it." I clarified and a small nod was what she confirmed it with.
Well, I couldn't blame her. After all, there was a universal standard of what a mother should be like, and to complement that, she had been shown all the pictures and reminders that gave her an accurate idea of what her mother had been like. There was still the possibility of the complete opposite, but Reva would never be able to find out.
My assumptions made my head spin in pain, so I didn't want to know how she felt about it.
"You can laugh at my sorry ass. Tell me what a stupid little girl I am." her foot was now toying with a small pebble that I didn't know where it came from. She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes.
"I won't." I offered. I had been drunk one day, exposing more of myself than I was comfortable with, and she had been there. She hadn't laughed at me but felt my struggle. I had seen it in her eyes. "Because you're not."
She looked at me for a long moment, looked away, and took a deep breath. Desperate, but uncertain as if considering. "It's just something - someone - that I can't let go of. But holding onto it doesn't feel right either."
"You can't force yourself to love someone you don't know," I shrugged. I wasn't really good at comforting, and I knew she didn't want my pity. Still, she seemed to agree with my words.
It was something I had to find out the hard way. You could tolerate or respect someone, but that didn't mean you had to like or love the person. And it was okay because it wasn't granted just because they held a certain place in your life.
I could feel that Reva was stuck in a dilemma. Caught between longing and curiosity about a feeling that was taken from her long before she even grasped the world, and an imposed love just because it seemed natural.
"And it's still what I choose to do." chewing on her inner cheek, she stared up at the stars. "I hadn't realized the hold it had on me until I really started thinking about it."
"How so?" I asked.
"I was born during heavy rainfall." she began, and I had to suppress confusion because it wasn't the answer I was expecting. "My mother apparently loved the rain and that's why she named me Reva."
"Does it mean rain?" I wondered. Sometimes I would spot her staring out the window as heavy drops hit the glass.
"Mmm." she hummed. She turned to me. "I guess I like rain. But I hate the thunder and storms it sometimes brings."
Considering the possibility that she might shut down at the question, I asked anyway. "Are you scared of it?"
She didn't answer that, but her silence spoke a thousand words. When someone was quiet, they could carry the biggest thunderstorms. I was still wondering where she was going with this.
"After I graduated from high school, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. My dad suggested studying literature because he always noticed me reading my mom's books." she continued, now picking up from a completely different angle again. But it was the same pattern. "I hate romance novels."
Now that she said it, I remembered how she had looked unfazed while holding that genre in her hands. And how excited she was in return when she would read thrillers. Sometimes she had a small piece of paper and a pen, scribbling away on it as if she were solving the mystery herself.
And I understood all the more what she was trying to show me - or maybe herself. Many elements were influencing what kind of person Reva was today. And what she could have been if she had stayed honest with herself.
Reva was a woman who had desperately tried to let a part of her mother live on inside her, not realizing that she was losing a part of herself in the process. Always forcing herself to live up to expectations. I knew exactly how that felt.
Maybe we were not so different.
"I understand," I said. Affirmation was the last thing she needed, but I wanted her to know she wasn't alone in all of this.
Also, I knew Reva had admitted and opened up more than she was actually comfortable with. It was always hard to be vulnerable because you never knew what the other person would do with your vulnerability.
I was no angel and I could be a dick. Reva and I hadn't started out well, but that didn't mean I would trample on something I was carrying myself. I was aware of the burden it brought.
We continued to sit in silence now. I wondered if she regretted revealing all that. After all, I was not someone with whom she normally engaged in deep conversation.
But hopefully, it helped her and showed her that she didn't have to keep it all inside. That letting go and admission wasn't a weakness. A strong feeling of wanting to be liberated from the same came over me.
"I got two degrees." I blurted out randomly.
I could feel her staring at me. "What's the other one?"
"Computer science," I replied. "Software development specifically. I'm good at editing too. Chose that because it's always interested me. No one knows."
It hadn't been easy, to say the least. Hiding from my parents that I was striving for a second degree was probably the riskiest thing I'd ever done. I had no idea how I managed to do it, but to this day, no one but Yoongi knew about it.
Having my own apartment in the city to have all of my mail and letters sent to, and making everyone think it was just a value investment, had been the best decision I'd ever made in my life even if I didn't get much use out of it.
The degree sat nicely in a corner, hoping to eventually be of use. I had toyed with the idea of breaking it to my parents, but I enjoyed having something to myself without making it attackable. A secret that two people were now sharing with me.
"Why?" she asked. She wasn't asking why no one knew. It was a different question, one I could well detect in her voice.
"I didn't want to regret never doing anything for myself," I admitted honestly.
I turned to her, catching her eyes. Her orbs seemed dark, but still captured the smallest of lights within them. She studied me as she began to get a glimpse of a new side of me that had always been hidden until now.
My gaze fell on her lips as she opened her mouth, but closed it again before saying anything. Compassion and understanding sparkled between us, changing the atmosphere. Nine months into our marriage and this felt like the biggest step toward each other.
I got to my feet, gazed up at the moon in the sky and back at the one reflecting in both of her eyes. "Don't be indebted to yourself, Reva. Sometimes there are no second chances in life." I said softly and left, hoping she understood what I meant with it.
__________________
A/N: updates are a little slow at the moment but it makes me happy that you guys are still interested in the story. There is a lot (maybe some heartbreak too) to happen in this book and I can't wait to start writing frequently again🥹