*Katniss's POV*
*The Next Morning*
I wake up to the sight of sunshine peeking through my window. It looks dreadful. It reminds me of Willow, who didn't acknowledge my arrival home. I know I shouldn't have expected anything after being gone for the reason I was, but it's still agonizing to know she's unhappy with me.
Peeta's arms embrace me and I roll over to face him. He gently brushes a strand of hair off my face and leans on his elbow, looking down at me.
"Morning." He says while gazing at me. I nod at him and look down towards the sheets. I hear him sigh and brings my chin up with his finger. "What's the matter, darling?"
"I just feel sick." I mumble. I let my head fall back onto the pillow and I watch as he traces my every movement.
"How can you feel sick, darling?" He asks quietly. "You just came home."
I shrug my shoulders and reply, "I think I just need to rest." I watch as he nods towards me and lies down. I rest my head on his chest and he fiddles with my hair.
I ponder about what it'll be like when I walk downstairs. Will they even acknowledge me? Willow couldn't even bare merely saying hello. And what about Rye? He looks up to her so much, and I'm sure he'll mimic what he sees. Then there's Flynn. I've yet to visit him. Maybe I should just stay away, it would be better for everyone.
All of a sudden, I feel Peeta move underneath me. He starts to get up and I look at him confused. He walks over to the door and slightly opens it enough to fit his body through. I hear Willow's voice and he nods. He pauses to look back at me then turns away. I watch as he closes the door and I hear another door close across the hall.
"What did she need?" I ask as he gets back into bed. He leans back and I lay down where I originally was on his bare chest.
"She just wondered if she had to go to school." He says quietly as I feel him play with my hair. I nod and resume staring at the wall, keeping my eye on the same spot. "I'm supposed to go to the bakery today. It opens next week and I have to help get everything ready. But if you want me to stay home I could delay it a few more days." He suggests. I sit up to look at him and tilt my head.
"Don't be ridiculous," I give him a sharp look and he shrugs his shoulders. "I'll be fine. I can visit Haymitch while your away."
"I shouldn't be long." He sighs while getting up. He walks over to the dresser and throws on a shirt and changes out of his pajama bottoms. I follow him with my eyes as he walks back towards the bed. "Do you want me to take Willow and Rye or leave them here?" He asks before kissing me. I pull away shortly and pause to think.
"Can you ask them? I don't want to make them stay with me." I say quietly. He nods and reluctantly walks out the door. I lean back against the headboard and wait for Peeta to come back.
I don't expect them to stay with me. After last night, I wouldn't expect them to even come near me. I know I did this, but I just can't help feeling bad for myself. Part of me wishes it would've worked. There was never reason for me to come back.
I hear a door close across the hall and Peeta enters the room. He leans on the doorframe and sighs.
"They want to come with me." He says quietly. I nod and look away towards the window.
"That's okay," I remark. I start to get up and I walk over towards the dresser. I notice that he's watching me as I move. I quickly rummage through the drawers to find some clothes to throw on. I can tell he's thinking as I watch him strain his forehead slightly.
"I'll have them stay home," he starts but I cut him off quickly.
"Please don't do that, they'd resent me more." I shake my head. "Just take them." He gives me a disapproving look and eventually stops leaning.
"I'll see you later." He says while walking away. I take a deep breath and get changed.
I really do understand Peeta wanting to keep them home, I do. But I also know that it wouldn't be what's best for them. They need to be able to make there own decisions and feel comfortable, and I can guarantee they wouldn't be comfortable staying home with me.
A sound from the door startles me from my thoughts. I watch as the door creaks open and I expect to find Peeta. But to my surprise, I see Rye walk in hesitantly.
"Mama," he says while closing the door behind him. "I just wanted to say goodbye." He walks towards me and I bend down to his level. He wraps his arms around me and I embrace him hesitantly.
"Rye, I'm so sorry." I whisper, holding back tears. I feel him nod as he pulls away.
"It's okay." He says. "But I think you need to talk to Willow. She's really upset."
"I know," I start while fixing the collar of his shirt. I change the subject quickly and sigh through a smile. "Don't keep them waiting, Dad's got to get to the bakery." I say tucking his curly hair behind his ear. He begins to walk away and waves as he leaves through the door. I pause before standing back up and I look into the mirror. I shutter at the reflection and turn away quickly.
I can't stand the look of myself. I don't even know how Peeta looks at me everyday. I'm a horrible person. How can I sit here, feeling bad for myself, when I created this situation. I look down to my arms. The scars are fresh, light pink, and they hurt.
Suddenly, my brain connects the dots from the color of wounds to the dried blood that surrounds the cuts too.
The carpet.
I move my head and look to where I was laying. It's clean, there's no blood anywhere. No proof of what happened.
Except for the trauma I've passed to Rye, Willow, and Peeta. They both saw me, and that was never supposed to happen.
I run out of the room and down the stairs, I need to get away from the area where it happened. The house is empty, and there's no movement anywhere. It still seems just as barren as last night. I heard Haymitch leave last night while I was awake. He must've heard my screams.
As I walk through the kitchen, Rye's words sting me. I need to apologize to Willow. But how? She won't come near me. Maybe I need to take it slow, give her time to process. I just can't fathom a relationship with her like my mother had with me. I want to be there for her. I don't want to be someone she can't confide in.
_
I quickly walk over to Haymitch's house and knock on the door. He slowly opens the door and his face brightens when he sees me. "Sweetheart," he says looking at me. "You're back."
I nod and he lets me inside of his house. Once he closes the door and turns back around, I embrace him. He hesitantly hugs me back, acting as if he holds on too tightly, I'll shatter into a million pieces.
"I missed you." I say quietly.
"Don't turn all soft on me." He jokes around as we pull away. I smile softly and we go and sit down in the living room. The room is more tidy than the last time I've visited him. There's a few bottles scattered but everything else seems in it's place. "How was the homecoming?" He asks. I shrug my shoulders and slump down in the chair.
"They won't talk to me." I mumble. "I can't do anything about it either."
He gives me a look and sighs. "Look you made a mistake. I'm sure that they'll come around."
"How bad was it?" I ask, leaning my head on my palm. He looks away and then back at me, and I can tell he knows what I mean.
"It wasn't good." He remarks. "I don't think I've ever seen Peeta more at a loss of words. It was a situation he couldn't figure out."
I nod my head and close my eyes for a moment. I never acknowledge how my actions effect him. I know what happened, I know how scared he was. But sometimes you don't know the full story. You don't know how a person truly feels on the inside, because sometimes they don't know themselves. I don't know how Peeta felt in that exact moment, I only know a fragment.
"Is he still mad at me?" I ask looking over to Haymitch. He shrugs his shoulders and stares at an empty bottle.
"He's never mad at you, only disappointed."
Disappointed. I feel like that's what I always do, disappoint. I'll never be good enough for him. I just need to accept the fact and move on. He can't stay with me if all I do is disappoint, he needs to do what's right for him. He should've taken the opportunity to leave me while I was away.
I sit there for a while until I become restless. Haymitch is busy reading a book—surprisingly. "I think I'm going to head home." I mention while standing up. He glances from the page and nods his head. "See you around, sweetheart." He mumbles.
I roll my eyes and quietly laugh as I make my way to the door. I step outside and let the cool air brush my face. I take a deep breath in and close the door behind me as I walk towards my house. I climb the steps that lead to the front door and walk it. The house has a melancholy feeling inside, and it's formidable to be in. I slip my shoes off and walk into the kitchen.
What can I say to her? I've never been good with words like Peeta. Speaking of him, how much more can I disappoint him? Maybe he should've left me be. He had every right to let me sit there, and move into the light. I had every right to be left there. I shouldn't of gotten the second chance that Prim deserved. I don't deserve anybody or anything, and nothing will change my mind otherwise.
I startle as the door opens and I hear them walk in. I peer into the corridor as Rye and Willow walk in, Peeta following behind them. Willow makes eye contact with me and I give a small smile. She looks away and walks ahead, into the living room. My smile fades and I look down at the countertop.
"How was Haymitch?" I hear Peeta ask near me. I shrug my shoulders and I feel him come close to me. I pull myself away and he gives me a look as I turn. "Is something wrong?" He asks watching me. I mumble that 'everything's fine' while turning the corner. I walk up the stairs and close the door to my bedroom softly.
I can't face him. I feel as if I were to look at him he'd turn to stone because of what I've done. I'm known for killing people, and eventually I'll end up killing Peeta as well. I've sacrificed my children's innocence and childhood for my own benefit.
The door opens and I turn around to find Peeta with his arms crossed. He leans against the doorframe and I sigh as I look down to the bed.
"I'm giving you 5 seconds," he pauses, "to tell me what's wrong." I shrug my shoulders and I ignore him. "Katniss." He says sternly and I can tell he isn't amused.
"Leave." I say. "You shouldn't be here." I look up at his face. He flashes a look of concern.
"What do you mean?" He asks puzzled.
"Leave. Go somewhere else. You can't be here." I say with tears lining my eyes. "Go stay with Delly tonight. I know she's in town, I saw her on the walk back last night. I can't live with myself if you're here."
He looks at me hurt, and I watch as he shifts on the doorframe but doesn't begin to leave. "What did I do wrong, Katniss?" He looks at me. "I want to be with you, not her."
"I disappoint you every moment. I can't do this. I can't live with the guilt of destroying the small things you have left. She won't make you upset like I do. You deserve better. Please, just leave." I let a tear slip down my face and he has a blank stare on his face. Slowly, he turns around and walks away. I hear him move down the stairs and in a few moments the door closes.
As the tears fall down my face, I realize.
What did I just do?
He listened. He always does. I just told my only reason for existence to leave.
What did I just do?
It sinks in, the feeling, knowing that I'm alone.
What did I just do?
I hurry to the window and press my face to it. I can't see him. I move quickly to the bedroom door and I begin down the stairs.
"Peeta." I call out desperately. He's not here. I fall to my knees and begin to panic.
Why did I do this?
Why did I do this?
Why did I do this?
I can't breathe. I can't think.
I look around and all I find is Willow and Rye staring at me. I quickly wipe the streaming tears and take a deep breath in. I notice their faces, and how scared they look. I turn around for a moment to gather myself and I sniffle a few times before facing them once again.
"Have you guys had dinner?" I squeak out, visibly in distress. I look around but eventually focus on them. My breaths are staggered, sometimes forgetting to breathe at all.
"No," Rye remarks quietly. Willow elbows him in the arm and he gives her a questioned look.
As I stand up, my heart begins to hurt so bad. I can feel the ache spread like wildfire, through my body. I need Peeta. I walk into the kitchen as another tear runs down my cheek. I wish Peeta was here to comfort me, but he isn't, because I just told him to leave.
I open the fridge and find leftover soup from the other night. I steady myself on the handle of the refrigerator and smile softly.
"Will this work?" I ask. They both stare at me and their faces remind me of him. My barrier breaks and I let out a gasp. I lean onto the counter and let the tears fall rapidly.
"Mom, it'll be okay." Willow says gently. She takes the container out of my hand and sets it on the table. "Rye, get a sauce pan out of that cupboard." I hear him rattle with the pans and eventually set one on the table. I look up and she guides me to a chair. "Just sit, Mom." I nod as she helps me sit down and she asks Rye to pour the soup into the pan.
_
"Where's dad, Mama?" Rye asks while sitting on my lap. Time passes too slowly without him here, I've only been sitting here a few moments yet it feels like an eternity.
"I don't know," I let out in between tears. "All I know is that I made a horrible mistake." I huff and he sits up to face me. His small hands begin to wipe the tears off my cheek and he looks into my eyes.
"Dad told me something," he remarks, "he said that he loved you but I didn't know what that meant. He explained that it was when you cared for someone and you always will." He pauses and smiles at me. "He'll come back, Mama."
I let a tear roll down my cheek and pull him closer. "You sound like my old friend, the one Willow's middle name is named after." I feel him smile against my chest.
"Do I have a middle name?" He asks softly. I nod and run my fingers through his hair.
"Yes, it's Rue. Rue was a girl I once knew, she was like my other little sister." I sniff, remembering all of my memories.
"Rye Rue Mellark." He mentions to himself quietly. I rock back and forth in the chair until he falls asleep. I slowly stand up and begin to walk upstairs.
I tell myself over and over that he'll be back, that he'll realize I made a mistake, but there's not comfort in those words. And telling yourself something doesn't mean it will ever happen.
_
I slept on the couch, drowned by my tears. How could I have possibly thought that making him leave was a good idea? I need him, and yet I told him to be gone.
Come back, I beg.
I'll make this right, just give me a chance.
I stare at the door for what seems like hours until I see it open. I sit up slowly, hoping this isn't a dream. I watch him open the door and set his keys on the entryway table.
"Peeta." I call out as I begin to get up.
He looks over at me and gazes at me. I walk up to him and look into his eyes. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean any of that and—"
I pause as he pulls me into a hug. I bury my face in his chest and he holds tightly.
"I don't care what you did with her. All I want is for you to stay with me. Just stay with me." I let out in between a flood of tears. He pulls back slightly and lifts my chin towards his face.
"I didn't go to her house, darling." He says softly. "I stayed at the bakery and worked on painting the walls." He wipes the tears off my cheek and gazes into my eyes. "I'm not disappointed in you and I never will be. Nobody's perfect. I told you that a long time ago. We all make mistakes. I can't blame you for anything, you did what was best for you."
"I immediately regretted everything I said. I couldn't sleep and—" He laughs and pulls me towards him. He kisses me gently and I kiss him back. I feel him smile as he breaks away to say something.
"And I'll always stay with you."