Definitely made myself cry writing this one.
Title Credit: The Hurt, The Hope- As It Is
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TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide
"Andy! Baby where are you?" I yell, running through my house while looking for my boyfriend Andy.
I just got out of the shower, and I have no idea where he is. He was laying on our bed right before I showered, but now he's nowhere to be found. I've checked every room in this house, and he's not here. It's nearly 11pm, so it's strange that he's not here. Andy hates going out at night, and even if he did go out, he would tell me. I try to call his phone, but it goes straight to voicemail, causing me to panic.
Then I think about how he's been feeling lately. Andy's been pretty down lately, and I can tell he's exhausted and stressed and anxious as hell. He's had issues with depression and anxiety since he was a teenager, but lately it's been getting worse. He mentioned a few days ago that it feels like everything around him is falling apart and he doesn't know why. What if he's trying to hurt himself, or worse? Fuck. I decide to try and track his phone to get an idea of where he might be. We always have our locations on incase of an emergency, and this very well could be an emergency. I check his location and see that his phone is somewhere in the woods near our house. Goddammit Andy you better not be doing anything stupid! I immediately throw on a hoodie and sweatpants before running out of the house and to my car, still tracking his phone. I drive as fast as I can to the woods and follow the location on his phone. Eventually after driving for a while, I see someone pacing around, holding something in their hand. I recognize the hoodie the person is wearing to be Andy’s and I get out of my car and run to him as fast as I can. As I get closer, I hear him crying and see that he's holding a gun in his hands, making me panic even more.
"Andy, baby, please don't do this. This isn't the answer, okay? We can find other ways to help you baby. It's gonna be okay." I say to him as I carefully wrap my arms around his waist from behind and try to take the gun out of his hand.
Andy turns around in my arms and as soon as he sees me, he drops the gun and collapses into my arms, sobbing heavily and causing us both to fall to the ground since he can't hold himself up anymore.
I hug Andy as tight as I can, stroking his hair and rocking him slowly as he completely breaks down and falls to pieces in my arms, shaking wildly as he screams through choked sobs, pressing his face into my neck and gripping onto my sweater tightly. He screams and sobs until he loses his voice, and even then keeps sobbing hysterically even though his voice is completely wrecked from screaming.
"Shh..I got you baby, I got you. You're gonna be okay, baby. It's okay, love." I whisper, rubbing his back as I continue to rock him, feeling his body shake in my arms.
"I-I'm s-sorry." Andy chokes, sobbing even harder and hugging me as tight as he can. His voice is quiet and broken, barely there at all as a result of the screaming and heavy crying.
"No, baby, don't apologize. This isn't your fault, okay? You're just in a really bad place right now, and that's okay. We'll get you through this together. I won't let you give up, baby." I say, kissing his forehead and pulling him into my lap so I can hold him even closer, keeping one hand on the back of his head and the other wrapped tightly around him and rubbing his back, still rocking him back and forth. Andy completely wraps himself around me and holds onto me as tight as he can, leaning against me as if he can't hold himself up at all.
"It-It hurts s-so b-bad." Andy cries harder, unable to calm down.
"I know, baby, I know. I promise it won't feel this way forever. I know you're hurting, and I know you're scared, but I promise it won't last forever. You're not alone in this, sweetheart. I will always be right here, my love. I promise." I say as I keep holding him, wishing I could do more to make him feel better. I feel my eyes filling with tears as well, but I don't let myself cry. Not right now. I have to help Andy first.
"I-I can't- I can't do it any-anymore. I-I just wanna die. I-I'm so done." Andy sobs, choking on his words and holding onto me even tighter, pressing his face into my neck.
"I know baby, I know. But you have to keep going. I promise this pain you feel right now won't last forever. I know it hurts, and I know it feels like you can't go on anymore, but I promise we can find ways to help you deal with it. I'll do anything and everything I can to help you. You're gonna get through this, Andy. I know you don't think so right now, but you will. I'll help you. We can even get you a therapist if you need. Whatever I can possibly do to help you, I will do. I promise, sweetheart." I say, holding him even tighter.
I feel my heart breaking in my chest seeing him like this. Sure, I've seen him cry before and helped him through countless panic attacks, but nothing could ever compare to this- trying to convince him not to end his life. This is the scariest and most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to do. If anything happens to him, I wouldn't survive it. I need him. I can't live without him. I'll do anything I can to protect him.
"O-okay." Andy whispers, still gripping me tightly and crying into me.
"I love you so fucking much, Andy. And I need you in my life. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you like this, or at all. Hell, I'd be right behind you. I love you more than anything else in this world, sweetheart." I say, kissing his head and holding him as tight as I can.
After almost another hour, Andy slowly starts to calm down, pulling away from me slightly to wipe tears off his face before hugging me again, still crying, but softer now.
"Lets go home, sweetheart. I'll cuddle you for as long as you need, and I'll even call off work for the week so we can just relax together, okay? I love you so much." I say, stroking his hair.
Andy nods, so I carefully stand up, picking Andy up with me and carrying him to my car, leaving the gun in the grass so he can't get to it again. I know that's probably not the best idea leaving it there, but I don't know what else to do with it. And I certainly am not bringing it anywhere near Andy.
I carefully put Andy in the passenger seat of my car before closing his door and getting into the driver's seat. The whole drive back, I hold Andy's hand and he rests his head against my arm. Once we're home, I help Andy out of the car and carry him again into our house since he's too exhausted to walk on his own.
Once we're inside, I carry Andy upstairs to our room and help him change out of his clothes since we were literally sitting in dirt. I change my clothes too, and lay down in bed, pulling Andy as close to me as I can. Andy hugs me tight and buries his face in my chest, pressing himself as close to me as he can. He cries hard again, his body shaking as he sobs, holding onto me tightly.
"Shh, it's okay baby. Cry all you need to, it's okay. Just let it all out, sweetheart. I'm right here, I got you." I whisper as I hold him tighter and switch between rubbing his back and stroking his hair, kissing his forehead a few times until he eventually cries himself to sleep in my arms. I, however, don't sleep at all, too worried that I'll wake up and find Andy missing again. I stay up, holding Andy tightly and silently crying, thinking about everything that happened, and what would've happened if I didn't find him in time.
A few hours later, Andy screams in his sleep and wakes up. He sits up and looks around the room anxiously, and starting to hyperventilate. I sit up next to him and put my hand on his shoulder, causing him to jump and look at me, pure panic in his eyes.
"It's okay, darling. You're safe. Nothing can hurt you here. It's okay, baby." I whisper as I gently pull him into a hug. Andy hugs me tight and tries to calm his breathing, but can't catch his breath.
"It's okay, Andy. Focus on me, okay? Follow my breathing, love. I got you." I say, rubbing his back and taking deep breaths for him to follow. Eventually, he's able to catch his breath, but then he starts to cry again. I sit back against the headboard and Andy curls up into my side, his head on my chest and his arms wrapped tightly around me.
"It's okay, baby. You're gonna be okay, I promise. I love you so much, my sweetheart." I say as I kiss his forehead and hold him close, rubbing his back as he breaks down again.
"I-I'm s-sorry." Andy whispers, his voice barely audible through his cries, as well as being raspy from all the screaming.
"Shh, it's okay darling. Don't apologize. This isn't your fault, love. You're just hurting. It's okay to cry and break down, love. I got you. I love you so much." I say, kissing his head, trying to comfort him any way I can.
Andy cries like this for a while longer, and by now it's almost 6am. I can tell that Andy's not gonna be able to go back to sleep, so I reach over to the nightstand and grab the remote, putting Batman on since it's Andy's favorite and cuddle him close, wiping tears from his face whenever they fall and rubbing his back.
We watch Batman for a few hours before Andy takes the remote and pauses the show, sitting up to look at me.
"You saved me." Is what he says, grabbing my hand and holding it tight in his.
"I don't know what I would've done if you hadn't found me. I just, I kept thinking that everyone would be better without me, and I'm so sick and tired of feeling like shit everyday, and I just wanted it to stop. I don't want to die, I just don't know how else to make it all stop." Andy says, his voice still broken and raspy. He looks down.
I carefully put my other hand on his face and lift his head to look at me, my other hand still holding his tightly.
"I get it, baby. I know you don't want to feel like this anymore. And we're gonna get you help, okay? I'll help you find a therapist, and maybe even look into meds if it comes to it. Just know that no matter what, I will always love you, and nothing could possibly be better if you weren't here. I don't even want to think about a life without you, let alone live it. You are my everything, Andy. I love you more than life itself. This world needs your beautiful self in it, my love." I say, pulling him into a hug, holding him tight against me.
"I think you're right. We should look for a therapist. If it'll help make this stop, I'll do anything. I just wanna feel okay again. And I love you too, so so much. You're the only thing that makes any of this bearable. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me, and helping me, and holding me through all that. I love you more than I can even say. You're my everything too." Andy says, laying down with me and curling up in my arms, holding me tight. He yawns and closes his eyes.
"I'll do anything for you, baby. And I will always be here to hold you through your dark times. I love you always, Andy. No matter what, I love you. Get some sleep, baby, you need it." I say as I hold him close, stroking his hair and kissing his head.
Andy eventually falls asleep in my arms, his body finally relaxed. I keep playing with his hair until I eventually fall asleep too, the two of us sleeping through most of the day. I'm just glad I was able to find him in time. Whatever it takes, I'll make sure he always knows he is loved, and I will always be right here to help him.