Noelle Benjamin
I hate birthdays.
I think they're one of my least favorite things about living.
Getting gifts, messages, and candles from people who couldn't care less if you don't live to see another birthday. Of course in exception to Harlow. But in the past five years, I don't remember my birthday being a memorable day.
Today's my 22nd birthday, and honestly, all I want to do is move onto tomorrow. But it's only 7:06AM.
"Goooood morning birthday girl." Harlow rushes into my room with her hair and makeup done, and a little breakfast-in-bed tray that contains eggs, pancakes, and a glass of milk.
"I feel underdressed." I laugh groggily, struggling to sit upright in bed.
"Hurry up and eat. We have so much to do today." She lays the tray in my lap and pats my cheek.
"Har, you do know that I have classes today right?" I take a sip of my milk and furrow my eyebrows.
She snorts, "Of course I do. But they end at five. Five o'clock is when our party starts."
I laugh and watch her smile after her sentence. Harlow is always the only exception for these kinds of things. I don't know what I'd do without her.
"Do I get to know what you've planned for today?"
"Never." She gasps dramatically. "Okay, time for round one of presents." She gives me a light kiss on the cheek and lifts the tray off my lap.
As if they were hiding behind the door the whole time, Zayn, Harry, and Niall come into the room with a present in each of their hands. Even Harry.
I want to hide under the covers for a moment because I look like a possum just crawled out of its mother's vagina. I didn't want anyone to see me like this before I got dressed for the day, especially on my birthday, but whatever.
"Me first." Harlow gives Zayn a glare as she bumps him out of the way with her passive aggressive voice.
Harlow's gift is wrapped in dark blue wrapping paper with a silver bow on top. I try unwrapping it gently, but after a point I give up and just rip apart the damn thing.
"Har! A new cardigan? And it has stars on it, like the one we saw that day on Queen's Street." I pull her in tightly and squeeze the cardigan between us.
Zayn hands me his and we both give each other a light smile. His present is in a bright yellow bag with floral tissue.
"A new coffee maker! I needed this, thank you Zayn." I pull him into a hug and gently kiss his bearded cheek.
"Glad you like it." He grins as he comes out of the embrace and lets Niall show me his gift.
I furrow my eyebrows when Niall hands me a cardboard box with a silver bow on top. I hesitantly open it as he looks just as unsure as me.
I pull out a huge wine bottle with my name on it. "Wine?"
"Not just any kind of wine, Noelle." He takes a seat next to me in bed and grabs the bottle from me. "This is your personalized wine. It has your name on it, see?"
He shoves the bottle in my face to show me how largely my name has been printed onto the label. I widen my eyes and push the bottle away from me to properly read it.
I laugh lightly, "Yes, yes I see. Thank you Niall."
I don't give him a hug, just a friendly high-five. He sinks back into my bed and watches Harry come up to give me his present.
His is wrapped in dark green wrapping paper which I'm sure Harlow helped him with, because no one has wrapping skills like her. It has a light green bow on top to compliment. The box isn't that big, not that it matters, but it looks like a jewelry box. He hands it to me and lets his lips spread.
"Happy birthday." He watches me open the gift in a very disorganized manner, but the look on my face when I realize what's inside is too embarrassing.
I give my first toothy smile of the day and look up at him as I pick up matcha tea bags from the pit of the box.
"Wait what is it?" Harlow pushes Harry aside to understand what is making me smile so wide.
"Matcha tea bags." I don't need to say anything else. It's weird to admit, but it's an inside joke I don't want to share yet.
"Okay, go shower we have a big day ahead." She taps on my head and quite literally pulls me out of bed.
"Okay, okay I'm going." I stumble into the bathroom as she suddenly lets go of my wrist.
---
Classes were not that bad today.
They have been gradually improving over the past week that I've been taking them, but this was probably my best day at Columbia.
No one knew it was my birthday of course, other than one of my professors who was putting in my grade into the system and noticed my birthdate. I liked it that way though, I don't need any pretentious wishes from anyone today. They left me alone and I left them alone. That's how I want it to be.
"You're home!" Harlow looks like she's been waiting for me at the door. She's holding a cake with—for some reason— my face on it. She arranged the candles around the rim of the circular cake and one on my mouth, so it looks like I'm smoking the candle.
"What is all this?" I set my keys down and chuckle at the cake at first, then notice the living room is all dressed up with balloons and streamers. Not to mention the huge poster of me taped to the wall.
"Birthday decorations of course. Now go get changed, your birthday outfit is on your bed." She nudges me to the stairs. I turn my head a little, noticing an unfamiliar face sitting on the couch with Harry, Niall, and Zayn.
I whisper to Har, "Wait, who is that?"
"Oh, don't worry he's really nice. Harry will introduce you." She whispers the first part then loudly says, "Now go!"
I reach the top of the stairs, quickly running into my room when I see the outfit that Harlow picked for me. I can't even begin to describe it.
It's a beautiful cream colored dress with pearls running down the waist of it. There straps are regular, but the shoulders have another few lines of pearls to compliment the rest of the dress. As soon as I put it on, I feel like a princess. It feels illegal to be wearing this. It looks like it should've been worn by the Queen of England, may God rest her soul.
I take my hair out of the claw clip that it's been in all day and hurriedly coat my lashes with some mascara. Everyone else looks so put together, the birthday girl has got to look twice as good. I grab the lipgloss I used this morning off the bathroom counter and glaze my lips just enough so I don't digest it while eating my cake. I'm about to go downstairs when I realize I have the perfect pearl earrings to go with this dress. I still feel like a criminal walking around in this. I put on the earring and hesitantly walk towards the staircase. I've never been this dressed up around them, and honestly I feel like my knees look weird in this dress.
I carefully stand at the top of the stairs and take one moment to look at everyone. The first person to look up is Harry. He quickly scans his eyes over my face, my dress, and my legs. I feel weird. Am I overdressed? The second to look up is Zayn, who instantly smiles as I make my way to the bottom of the stairs.
"Oh my God, you look so pretty El." Harlow tugs at my hand so I fall into her arms for a hug.
"Am I overdressed?" I keep that question in a hushed manner.
She snorts, "Don't be an idiot. In fact, you can never be dressed enough for your birthday. Mr Jane's motto."
Harry clears his throat, standing with the random guy. "Noelle, this is our old friend Astro."
Astro walks up to me and takes a pause to admire my dress. "Pleasure to meet you Noelle. I've heard so many things about you."
He offers his hand to me to shake, and I immediately take it in mine, smiling. He definitely looks like one of their friends. He's dressed in an all black suit, that somehow comes off more casual than formal. His hair is messy, but contained chaos, and his eyes are also dark. I would say he looks shady, but he really doesn't. He's pulling off the all black look.
"All good I hope. Except Harry." I laugh, eyeing Harry who instantly turns away from me when I look at him.
"You would be surprised, most of the good things are from him."
"Consider me surprised." I give a friendly scoff, taking the Noelle wine that Niall hands me.
Everyone gathers around the counter—sort of around my face cake—and raises their glasses so that they're almost touching the chandelier.
"Cheers to Noelle." Zayn urges us to clink our glasses together.
They all say, "To Noelle."
Inconsistent clinks follow that unified sentence and we all take one big sip of our Noelle wine. I blink harshly to get used to the taste. Let's just say, the Noelle wine isn't an easy liquor to swallow. But it's delicious.
"Oh, Noelle. I have something for you." Astro turns to the living room, jogging to retrieve something for me.
"Oh, you really didn't have to." I set down my glass and feel a bit guilty. This guy doesn't even know me and he's buying me presents. Damn, boys step up.
"I insist." He reaches me with a red bag with white tissue. Whatever he's got me seems expensive.
I smile at him, then reach inside the bag to reveal a book. I like this guy already. I flip through the pages and finally turn to the cover to read the title.
"The Death of the Heart?" I look back at him.
"Mhm. One of my favorites. I heard you liked reading."
I grin, "I do. Thank you."
He places a hand on my shoulder for a quick moment, then proceeds back to the living room. He's my favorite. Kind and shows a basic level of human decency? The bar has been raised.
---
After finishing every last drop of the Noelle wine, as a group of course, we all lazily lie on the couch with a playlist playing in the back. Harlow and I are tangled with our arms and our feet linked, Astro's laying in Zayn's lap, and Harry's head is resting on Niall's shoulder. This current layout right now might hurt their masculinity when they're sober, but it's adorable.
"I should get going." Astro mumbles as he's still very much spread across the couch.
"Niall, that wine was heavenly. Best present ever." I don't realize what comes out of my mouth at first, but as soon as I do, it's too late.
"Hey. Cardigan is still sitting here." Harlow barely says from next to me.
"So is coffee maker." Zayn chirps from the other side of the couch.
"So is matcha tea bags." Harry sounds half asleep.
"And Death of the Heart." Astro's head perks up as so do the rest of ours. His abnormally long-titled gift pulls a chuckle out of all of us.
This birthday has been really great. I remember last year for my 21st, I had to stand in front of my mom and have my 'first drink' with her. She was really surprised when I drank an entire of sip of vodka with no reaction. She told me it was my tolerance and how she knew that I was always the toughest cookie in the batch. I hated it when she said that. I used to tell her she sounded like she was an 85-year-old woman spreading her wisdom to volunteer kids at a retirement home. That was the only good thing about my 21st. I'm glad I can say my 22nd can be added to the 'good birthday' list. I can also say—
"I wanna eat my face cake." I catch my head before it slams harshly on Harlow's shoulder. I guess I'm more tired than I thought.
"Oh God, I don't think there's anymore room in my stomach for that." Harlow groans and digs her nose into the side of my neck.
"Me neither." Niall takes a deep breath and makes his way to me and Harlow. Without any warning, he scoops Harlow from the couch and holds her close to his chest in a bridal carry.
She seems used to his princess treatment, because she barely makes a sound. They reach the door and I hear Harlow mumble quietly, "Happy birthday El."
I blow her a tired kiss and sink back into the couch when I hear the elevator ding, watching Zayn and Astro get up as well.
"We're gonna get going too." Zayn picks up Astro just how Niall picked up Har a second ago. I laugh through my nose, noticing Astro practically asleep in Zayn's arms.
Zayn trudges to the door as Astro's weight weighs down on him. He plants Astro on his two feet, telling him to go wait in the car. My heart palpitates when Zayn paces back towards me. He reaches me and immediately rests his hand on the couch headrest behind me, and one on my shoulder.
He kisses my cheeks so gently that I can feel the exact second that his lips pull away. "Happy birthday, Noelle."
I gulp a little too hard and sit upright in my seat now. How am I supposed to respond to that? He's respecting my boundaries, sure, but it's hard to act natural when he does weird things. I don't want to tell him to stop but I don't want to act like it's okay. Problem for another day.
I blink and Harry's in front of me handing me my face cake. The whole cake.
"Birthday girl needs to cut the cake." He lights the candles Harlow placed on the rim and slightly adjusts the one placed on my 'mouth'.
"You of all people have room for dessert?" My laugh is groggy.
"Not really, but cutting the cake is the best part of any birthday." He sits a little further from where Harlow was sitting and I angle myself and the cake to face him. It feels a little illegal to have cake sitting on these perfect couches with no precautions.
He clears his throat and starts singing the beginning of Happy Birthday to me. I wince, looking at him with my eyebrows raised and eyes wide. He breaks into laughter after the first verse, stopping to watch me cut the cake and blow out my candles. I lick the icing off of my fingers and push the cake towards him. He pushes it back to me, urging me to try it first. An embarrassing smile spreads along my lips as I push it back. He properly cuts himself a piece and scoops another chunk and shoves it in my face with no warning.
I gasp when I realize I have cake all over my mouth and my chest. I try to protest with a mouthful of cake, but take a moment to acknowledge this fucking cake. It's delicious. I chew slower to properly taste and savor the bite.
Not much thought goes into my next actions, clearly, because I grab a fist full of my face cake and shove it in his mouth. He grunts as pink icing falls from his mouth and drops to his chin. He chews in a fast pace to yell at me, but I dip my finger in one of the whipped cream swirls and rub it on his nose. He continues chewing but holds his palm up to signal me to stop. I blow a raspberry at him and attempt to get up from the couch to go wash my hands, but he tugs at my wrist to pull me back down.
"Harry this is disgusting, give me a minute." I gesture to the cake I'm bathing in.
He keeps trying to swallow his bite, but it's still too big. He moves his pointer finger in circular motions in front of his mouth to tell me he'll be done in a minute. He finally finishes his bite and takes a minute to wipe the corners of his lips.
"Was that cherry danish?" His lips are tinted from the cake.
"Maybe." I tuck my lips inside my mouth. I'm a bit embarrassed to say that it's my new favorite cake.
"Let's dance." The words just fall out of my mouth.
"Didn't know you danced." He takes my hand that I offer.
I snort, "I don't."
We both almost trip over each other's feet when our hands tangle together and spin into the middle of the living room. I leave him idle for a moment when I go to turn the music up. I barely noticed it was even on, it served as merely background music all this while. I pace back to him, allowing him to place his hands on my lower waist. I instinctively place my hands around the nape of his neck, he sinks into my fingers as soon as I do so.
"You of all people want to dance with me?" His wording is similar to mine before.
"Not really, but dancing is the best part of of being tipsy." I laugh through my nose.
He doesn't say anything, he just lightly smiles back and leans in closer. I can feel his smile on my cheeks and his breath on my arms. He looks a little more than decent today. His hair is growing out but it's not too long. He's left it in a middle part and has on a button down shirt as per usual. My eyes slip a little further down his chin, and I take a moment to stare at his tattoo.
"Staring isn't polite." His voice brings my eyes to shoot back to him.
"I'm sorry, I just—you have way too many tattoos." I sound almost bitter.
"I like them." He shrugs lightly as we continue to sway.
"I can tell."
My sentence almost swallows itself when he tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. He doesn't stop there, he trails his finger down to my chin for just half a second and then places his palm back on my upper back.
"You look somewhat decent tonight." He clears his throat as he twirls me.
"You're a little more than mediocre yourself." I grin.
The music slows down a little, and I find myself shrinking our proximity even further. He smells like strong oak amber cologne with woody notes. The kind you could spend hours smelling at a cologne store. But his hair is more like cedar wood and freshwater. His lips are perfectly tinted from my face cake, looking almost vulnerable. His eyes stay focused on the rim of my chest, just above my chest. I shift a little, feeling like I'm on display, and he's the only one here to watch. That feeling only lasts barely a moment, because he knows he's staring and his eyes fall back to my lips and eyes. The strand of hair he had tucked poorly behind my ear falls forward again, and he reaches to put it back, but I beat him to it. This feels almost enjoyable.
"Your birthday cake is putting me to sleep." He imitates his eyes shuttering closed.
"God, me too." I lean into him even closer. "Today was a good day."
He smiles, "Really? Or are you just saying that?"
"No, seriously. Today seems like a day to remember. I haven't had one of those in a long time."
"How long would you say it has been?" He asks a question I didn't expect. We continue swaying back and forth, our noses accidentally touching once or twice.
"A few years. Maybe four or five."
"Why is that?" He twirls me again.
"People."
"George?"
My head perks up from our feet. "Yes."
My 21st was a rollercoaster. George asked me to move in with him and I said no, then it turned into a whole thing because I was at dinner with Harlow, my mom, Mr Jane, and his parents. It was terrible. He got into his car and drove away, so his parents had to get a ride with me in my car. I loved them, I still do, but that was a very awkward drive back home.
"Harlow?" He stares directly at my chest. He isn't even trying to hide it anymore.
"Never. It was just an odd birthday." I snort.
"What happened with your dad?"
His question makes me breathe deeply through my nose and out my mouth. I really don't want to get into this. Not now. It's all old shit, I'm over it now.
"I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry. I'm just curious, you never talk about him." He tucks that persistent strand of hair behind my ear again.
"He just kind of disappeared. He didn't abandon me and mom, he just went missing one night and we never saw him again." My voice sounds shaky. I've had too much wine, this is not a good topic to be revisiting.
"Disappeared?"
"I don't really know all the details, nor does my mom. No one knows where he went, it's been 8 years. We gave up on searching for him after the fifth year." I soak in his breath that crashes against my neck.
"You're beautiful."
I feel my heart do a backflip against the wall of my chest. What the fuck. I look back down at our feet and chew on my lip. That's an odd thing for Harry to say. He's not supposed to say stuff like that.
"What?" I need to know if I'm losing my mind.
"Do you really want to hear it again?"
"Yes."
Our swaying slows down immensely and somehow I find myself inching closer to him. I observe his features as he concocts what he wants to say. His eyes continue falling between my chest and my eyes. He almost looks impatient. His shirt is unbuttoned a little too far, I can see everything through his shirt.
"You're," He leans down to my ear. I almost giggle when his air sneaks into my ear. "Hideous."
I raise my eyebrows and push him away, laughing. "I hate you."
"I don't speak lies, Noelle. It's a sin, ya know?" He raises his eyebrows and nods continuously as a smile spreads along his lips.
We're a few feet apart now. "Right, and since when are you so religious?"
"Since I met you."
"I'm not religious." My eyebrows furrow.
"I know. You make me want to be better." He comes closer and joins our hands.
I look at him with my eyebrows still in confusion and my lips displaying a misunderstood grin. Only God knows what this man is talking about sometimes. I unlink our fingers, stepping back. This is getting weird.
"I'm gonna head to bed. Thank you." I clear my throat, walking past him and picking up my phone from the kitchen counter.
"What are you thanking me for?" His voice sounds husky from behind me.
"For dancing with me." I turn only my head and give him a light smile.
He doesn't say anything after that, he just watches me make my way to the top of the stairs. The only sounds left in the room now are the clicks of my heels and a few deep breaths from him.
I reach my bedroom and immediately raise my eyebrows in confusion. More presents from Harlow on my nightstand. I huff, tossing my phone on my bed and crinkling the crimson wrapping paper as I attempt to open the gift box. The pit of the box reveals a few flowers and phone with a note taped to it.
I widen my eyes when I notice it's my phone that I gave to Harry a few days ago. My lips part and I immediately turn towards my bedroom door. Harry's standing there with his arms crossed, leaning against the doorframe. He pushes his hair back so it falls into his usual middle part. I gave this phone to him as a peace offering. I don't need or want it back.
"Why did you give me this?" I clutch the phone in my hand.
"I don't need this anymore." He speaks from a few feet away.
"I gave it as a peace offering. I don't need it either."
"Are you saying you trust me?" His words make me tuck my lips inside my mouth and give my response a little bit of thinking.
I wet my bottom lip, "Are you saying you trust me?"
He stays silent, pacing towards me in the dark. I forgot to turn on my lights, but I can still see every single detail on his face. He walks past me and reaches into the gift box, pulling out the few wilting hydrangeas.
"I don't think I'll ever trust you." He brings the flower to me and stands in his previous position. His voice is hushed now.
I let a partially offended expression paint my face. Gee thanks, Harry.
"And I think you won't ever be able to fully trust me either." He places the flower behind my ear.
"Right, 'cause we're not friends." I raise my eyebrows and pull my lips together into a line. My arms cross over each other and my fingertips are grazing my arm.
"Right." He keeps maintaining eye contact even though I'm staring at the floor.
"I thought we were even now."
"We are." He smells like everything good on Earth.
"Then why are you giving me this?" I lower my voice to a whisper.
"Because I don't want us to be even. I don't want us to be friends. I don't want us maintain any sort of trust. I want you to be just Noelle; The person I can't place into a category of human beings." His entire sentence makes me question every interaction I've ever had with him.
I scoff and barely smile at him. What does he want me to say to that? How am I supposed to live with myself if I keep this phone? I'm not worried about that shit anymore and he isn't either. We've moved past it and so should this god damn phone.
I grab his wrist and lead him towards my bedroom balcony. I twist the latch to unlock my window and launch my arm so far that I can't hear when my phone hits the ground. He lets his mouth open a little, only turning his head towards me. I catch him staring at my chest one more time before he speaks.
"Happy birthday Noelle." He wipes a bit of icing off my jawline and smudges it on his own chest.
//
a/n: hey lovies. i know it's been a little while, been super busy but i was so excited to share this chapter with you. i hope you're doing okay, i missed u guys. i'm going to try my level best to update often, especially because i'm ecstatic to write the next two chapters. i'll see u all soon. :)